May 4, 2010

Passing the Poop

What is the deal with email forwards?
I receive like 500 email forwards a day. Each forward seems to be as lame as the next. Why do people waste their time sending this stuff? If it’s supposed to be entertaining, guess what? It’s not! The themes of these forwards are always highly offensive and often times just plain scary.
Common themes of email forwards include:
Forwards including pictures of cuddly newborn animals with a giant sign that reads: I LOVE YOU or YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. These forwards are pointless and insincere since they are also sent to 97 of your other “best friends.” How special am I supposed to feel when I’m included in a giant list from your Hotmail contacts (some of whom I know you don’t even like)? The bottom line is that If you were really my friend and wanted to show me that you care, you wouldn’t send me a mass forward. Instead you would give me money, call me, inquire about my life, braid my hair or maybe read one of my blogs.
Forwards including an imperfect mixture of Christian/Patriotic sentiments about the importance of prayer in public schools, the destruction of brown-skinned people, how life begins at the make-out session and/or how God will save me if I join your cult church. When I get these forwards all I can think is – do you even know me? And, it may be time to add your email address to my BLOCKED list. No thanks Jim Jones. I’m not drinking your Flavor-Aid no matter how many crazy forwards you send me.
Forwards including some type of “funny” joke about race, size, and economic status. Were you wearing a large white hood over your head when you sent this? Is that why you were unable to read the “joke” that you just sent me?  You’re definitely no Chris Rock, but you could pass for Strom Thurmond. And you may right now be thinking – who the eff is Strom Thurmond? And you know why you’re thinking that? Because you spend too much time sending these dumb forwards! I blame Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy for your lapse in comedic judgement. Forget you might be a redneck because you are a racist! And please DON’T get’ er done!
Forwards including chain letters. These may be the worst thing ever invented. At the end of each of these forwards it usually reads: PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO AT LEAST 1, 568 PEOPLE IN THE NEXT 2 SECONDS OR YOUR DOG WILL BE DROWNED IN A BLOOD-FILLED BATHTUB BY ATHEIST VAMPIRES WHO ARE VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA! Are you serious!?! I never waste my time forwarding this crap because chain letters are just another way of filling our time with useless tasks that keep us enslaved to ignorance and repetition. In the time it took you to send that forward to all of your friends, you could have done something worthwhile like brush an old person’s hair; dust off your Precious Moments figurines; and/or finish the crossword puzzle in your latest issue of Soap Opera Digest. I mean where are you priorities people!?!
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