Feb 28, 2013

While I was gone... [February 2013]

So it appears that childhood is indeed the best time of your life, if you are an Indian man, that is. You can rape, confine, pillage and plumb a rod up her vagina or down her throat and no one can throw the book at you. Ahh! that golden age of juvenile innocence so beautifully protected by the high-priests of our noble country. Why would any boy want to hurry through childhood anymore?
While there were lone screams to lower the juvenile age, by the time I'm writing this post, those voices were nothing more than a whimper.
The 'Delhi gang-rape' mega-serial started and the five bastards pleaded 'not guilty'. In the words of Judge Dread 'I knew you'd say that'.
Jyothi's male friend, who was attacked himself, testified against the 6 bastards.
If you ask me, I think 'Delhi gang rape' must be included in the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary for 'Any incident that creates an illusion of change and revolution but does absolutely nothing'.

But I wouldn't blame them for the sudden swing. We had our American Born Confused Desi, Ms Sunny Leone, the object of every Indian male's pride and titillation, tweet that rape was not a crime but just surprise sex. I am quite sure every person who read this tweet would have had images of Sunny buck naked, with her legs spread wide open, getting drilled in places I cannot mention here, while moaning 'Oh yeeeeah... c'mon... give it to me.... ahhh...yesssssss'. Too late to deny this, so wipe that drool off the corner of your mouth.

Waiting for some 'surprise sex'
Sunny didn't realize how we hung onto her (tweets) and deleted the statement but the damage was already done. Her former tweet was picked up and millions of people who had nothing else to write, re-tweeted it. She went about accusing and threatening everyone who accused her of having said this. Big mistake, sweet-cheeks. The rest as they say is history.
I can't imagine how any woman can say this. But then I can also imagine how happy Sunny will really be if she gets raped. That would be her darkest fantasies cumming true, so yes, when we see the statement from her perspective, we shouldn't really trouble her too much. What we must do is welcome her with open arms (and nothing else, mind you) and let her live a normal life in Delhi. Chances are, she will live a full-filled life then and we can continue to enjoy her movies.

In other rapes around the country that made us more blink, a 40 year old man raped his neighbor. Now, what's stopping the law from hanging the middle aged bastard? Oh yeah, he is Didi's land.
And while we are at it, can someone please tell our rapists that they are not supposed to sentence their victims to death?

In happier times...

We showed everyone the speed at which we can crawl when the government got a report out in top speed. And that is about all the good news I have for you today. The report didn't criminalize marital rapes. So that just about saved the asses of about 60% of the husbands who rape and otherwise brutalize their wives. Keeping with our traditions, we all got our multilingual, multicolored placards out and the opposition (well, they are supposed to oppose, aren't they?) opposed. The government defended the ordnance quote-unquote 'there was an urgent need for this law'. Really?! You just realized that now?? 

Our cities are so unsafe that not even Chinese women, who are otherwise used to the perverts in China, are unsafe. China gave a diplomatic tight slap when it demanded India ensure safety of their women. Can it get any worse? 
Let's hope this ordnance brings relief to former victims too. And there was some glimmer of hope  and an online campaign. Ironically, we don't seem to be the only country grappling with heinous crimes against women. South Africans mourned the deaths of a 17 year old girl who suffered at the hands of the same brand of bastards and the murder of Oscar 'the blade runner' Pistorius's girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp

We all forgot about the sinking economy, which the BJP was very kind enough to remind. Gee! Thank you, Mr BJP!
And suddenly everyone has started warming up to the PM-in-waiting. What a suck-up! But the Congress didn't really like it. Grow up, guys!

Talking about urgent need of laws, where was the long arm of the law when Muslim men threatened to rape the girls of 'Pragaash' if they don't stop singing? What the Eff is the problem with us? We profess the need to protect our women and we keep our fingers on our lips when they are threatened by a bunch of effing bastards, who in my opinion should really be hunted down and killed.

As if Bad News Bobby wasn't giving us enough to worry about, a top nuclear scientist from our estranged twin declared their nukes were unsafe. While this could have been really bad news, both of us can be happy that Indians are not as trigger happy as the Americans. And I guess it is also because the Pakis will have to first decipher their Chinese manuals before they can launch them.
But when Zardari and son moved into a bullet proof home, it's time the mere mortals begin to worry.

Shilpa Shetty, former B grade Bollywood wannabe and current hmm.. well, its hard to tell what she is good at. But that didn't deter the young at heart oldie Suresh Kalmadi, from the CWG fame and a guy who's got selective short-term memory, from having his wish fulfilled. Naughty boy!


Kingfisher Airlines posted 'yet' another loss. Duh! Its not like they were the Apple of the skies anyway.
Iran launched its own version of the 5th generation fighter. Commendable!
They managed to create one inspite of the incredible odds (read The entire West) against them and we have been trying to work on one for the past 20 years. Surely, it would have been easier if we would've just greased the palms of a few Italians/Indians, huh? Caught with its hand in the cookie jar, and even as the government has promised to cancel all tainted deals, foreign leaders are queuing up to make a fast buck. From one scam to another, our government looks like a drunk swaying through the corridors of power.

Eygpt! Again. Gosh! 

Syria, from a country that as picturesque as it was, it has now turned into a battlefield. The light at the end of the tunnel is as distant as it was 2 years ago but no-ones the wiser.

O continued to press for tougher gun laws. Keep up the good work, Mr Prez! Don't let this die like your other reforms.


While O was trying to save lives, our Prez seems to have found a penchant to hang. Afzal Guru was finally hung and India broke into a sweat. Perhaps it could have been the manner in which he was hung or perhaps it was way for the Congress to earn a quick brownie point before they are rooted out of power next year.

Wrestling was thrown out of the Olympics  and India and the World erupted. So that's six less medals for India.

Russia got a glimpse of how the End will come, when God decided to throw a short pitch. Half the world gasped in awe and fear. Indian politicians and businessmen barely flinched. Only a meteor strike over Switzerland can make them sweat.

Hyderabad had it bad. Couple of questions:

  • Why must people die to make a statement?
  • What the eff is the government doing?
And IIPM showed how it is a sore looser. 
It had the government block about 100 sites, included a few of its own, that spoke the truth about the fraud that is IIPM. Hey Arindam! I think IIPM is the biggest sign of corporate fraud that can happen in India. I dare you to block my post. Thankfully, our hackers returned the favor and hacked his site too. Score!

That's All, Folks!
Good Night and God Bless!
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