Mar 28, 2013

While I was gone... Part 2/2 [March 2013]

Picking up from where we left, here's the second installment of that wonderfully hot month of March.
totally unrelated picture...

Kerala - God's Own Country. We might have the lowest school dropout rates, but forbidden sex is still our Achilles heel. The Suryanelli Sex Scandal, an unfortunate yet pertinent remainder of our countryman's sordid story of orgies and gang-rapes reared its ugly head again. But then this scandal is not new. We have such innovative names to our sex scandals. Our most popular jokes are centered around the breasts and nipples. Our best comedy shows show men ogling at the sweeper/maid when she is sweeping the floor wearing just a blouse with plunging necklines and cleavage in cinemascope. The land where male tutorial teachers often flirt and have sexual relationships with their girl students.
Many years after the abuse, the victim and her family is still trying to wake up from the nightmare. They have moved towns, sold nearly everything they had, tried to change identities and desperately start life afresh. But no! Only convicted felons are allowed to reinvent their lives. I am ashamed to think of people who still hound them for juicy tidbits of information. They want to know if she enjoyed the surprise sex. Neighbors revile them like the plague, and the rich and powerful have victimized them. What's surprising is how none of this surprised me. I expected my countrymen to do this to her. I expected our politicians to call her a prostitute. I expected the prime accused and the dozens of co-accused to go on the lam. I can never expect the lady or her family to get justice. 


Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what we do to our women. We peddle them and then react with utter shock and surprise when we are accused. Can it be a coincidence that some of our biggest politicians and a popular comedian have been accused in sex scandals themselves. Surely not.


Earlier this year, as the victim opened the Pandora's box, tongues wagged and heads started rolling. Let's hope this year brings closure to the young lady.


Another lady that celebrated a momentous year was Mrs G. After 15 years on top, she finally got nostalgic. Wonderful timing, I say. Considering how her party has fared under her watch, she does not have much to gloat about. Infact Mrs G talking about the party's success is like Queen Elizabeth celebrating how she has brought prosperity to the British Empire. Yet, this was a good time for the greatest show of sycophancy in a democracy as our media elevated her renunciation of power almost to the level of sainthood. Argh!
While Rahul might be the splitting image of his father, he might be running into rough seas with his 'corporate' style. While any person in their right unmediated mind will be able to see through this charade, I wonder how much longer we have to endure The Family.

Behind every woman is a man who wishes he married her

Uncle Sam wagged his tail and promised to stand guard against the Axis of Evil. I am curious to know how any of this expenditure can help with the fiscal cuts that were supposed to clip the wings of its out of control defense budget. This shortly after N. Korea trained its guns on Uncle Sam. Korea? Sure, bring it on. Italy? No way. Can we have Iron Man, please?

The castration placards came out as another lady was raped in a moving bus by 3 men. How's the victim doing? No Idea. Deja-vu.
And a British lady lept out of her hotel room to escape an attempt to rape. I don't think she is going to be a glowing ambassador for Incredible India after this. The hotel owner and an accomplice was rounded up.
The accused will have meals and accommodation paid for by our tax rupees and be out before her physical wounds heal.
The six bastards who raped the Swiss confessed. Gee! What else did you expect? Its either this or No Money, if you know what I mean.
The CJI lamented how public sentiment against the juvenile was unfortunate. I see! Do you have a daughter of rapeable age, Mr CJI?
While I won't campaign for death, I would definitely want to campaign for stronger enforcement of tougher anti-abuse laws. Is that too much to ask?

And in news that will make our rapists feel good, a victim of a date-rape in Ohio testified she didn't remember anything that happened to her. If you ask, this is not surprising. America's promiscuity is no longer a secret. Her children have consensual sex as young as 9 and rainbow parties and sorority date rapes are a weekend past-time. Just Google for College Group Sex and you'd be amazed at how many videos there are.

Not the real thing..

Our poly-ticks spoke out against their favorite scapegoat - Dr Manmohan Singh. I am pretty sure he will need a lifetime of counseling when he is booted out next year.
Talking about terms, the ruling government in our western twin (not Britain, but Pakistan) completed its five year term in full. Its been that long?
It seems like just yesterday when Musharraf came over, had tea with our PM and invaded Kashmir. Kudos to them for even making it this far, because honestly, if we went through all that they did, we would have personally made sure Mrs G and her government was thrown out of the country, like how the Pakistanis do to their out of flavor politicians.
Like a drunk rolling on a bed infested with bedbugs, the Congress cozied up to Didi. Touche`
Modi sharpened his pitchfork and we mustn't stop talking about 2002. Even if the EU does.

In an shining example of how totally irrelevant and of how much time our young virile journos have in their hands (not to be taken literally), we had to read and listen to hours of 'Breaking News' on whether SRK and Piggy Chops have taken that crucial next step in their relationship. Gosh!
SRK? Seriously?! He is married, has two kids, is hired to dance for jigs and has been making awful movies for a few years.
Piggy? She is young, oozes sensuality, unmarried (that we know of) and can make any Indian male go (moderately) weak in the knees.
Why Piggy? Why?
I'd understand how you want to marry like Aishwarya and retire rich. Throw a stone out the window and you'll get a dozen single, dashing, young and salaried men to marry you.  But please don't marry that old man.

Wiki sneezed and parodied Sir Ravindra Jadeja. Sir Sachin awaits his turn.
Talking about parodies, creative juices spilled and Ford fired.

Poonam bathing and praying..

In other 'major' news, apun Munnabhai is finally going back to prison. Off came the gloves and superficial faux celebrities, some Page 9'ers and even a former lawmaker engaged in the very Indian tradition of sycophancy campaigning for clemency.  Amidst all the brouhaha, Kalnayak agreed to go back to prison. Well, the boy sure has matured, hasn't he?


And here's a peep into the Madhouse called Tamil Nadu


Australia had a washout and we all forgot about Dhoni's sins.
More work for Sunny, dahlings! There is something to learn from all this. While porn-stars like Sunny are trying to make a mark in mainstream media, we have 'no-good' wannabes like Poonam trying to make a mark in mainstream pornography. Call it reverse brain drain or anything you want, but Sunny made it rich because she looks good. Women like Poonam and Sherlyn have the most hideous antisymmetric faces I've ever seen. Pity we still can't repair a face like that. 

See you all next month, folks!

Mar 24, 2013

When I was gone: Part 1/2 [March 2013]



The first half of March saw a torrent of 'Breaking News'. So much that I'm doing overtime just to get my head around this.
Here's Part 1 of what you missed.

As domestic airlines sold millions of cheap air tickets (with fine print), another MNC came under the scanner for alleged malpractices. Cadbury was found to be using an 'nonexistent factory' to avoid about $46 billion in taxes. While it has already been under investigation over its $19 billion takeover of Cadbury, this couldn't have come at a worse time. As India tries to rein in its yawning fiscal deficit and a last chance for the ruling party to fatten some of their own wallets, this may not be the last of such news.

Talking about news, Manmohan roared. Yes, you read that right! Delayed as it is, Manmohan 'the bonecrusher' Singh took a bite off the leader of the main opposition party, LK 'the lamb' Advani by pointing out how the Congress is still in power and the BJP is not. Well, seeing as how Modi is sharpening his pitchfork, Manmohan roared so late and too soon.

The world celebrated another Women's day and sticking with 'tradition', Indian men gang-raped women like it was going out of style. Handicapped or not, any vagina is fair game. So we raped women who were going through troubled marriages and touristy villages. There was some brouhaha and seeing how the cops rounded up the dicks who raped the Swiss tourist, I am positively certain the Swiss may have threatened to not return any of the money that our politicians have in their banks.
Women who were not raped where killed. Right in their mother's wombs. It was the same shame story of female infanticide and we are talking about just one Indian state. What happens in Maharashtra stays in Maharashtra.
India as a society is simply incapable of keeping its promise to end violence against women.
The problem is within our psyche. A few years ago, an email that did the rounds spoke about how emotionally strong Indian women are. While I won't deny our women are made of sterner and nobler stuff, I wonder why we are hell bent on 'taming' them.

Over the past couple of months, I can sense a collective pall of gloom, fear and loathe that has fallen over our women. Violence and abuse is not the stuff of raunchy Bollywood movies anymore. They are real, with every women. Every day.
The sheer magnitude of abuse will shame even the most holiest of us. If every victim were to register a complaint against every instance of abuse, I doubt if our justice system can wrap their heads around it. Our crocodile tears, our phony marches and empty promises must stop. Our customary banal celebrations of Womanhood and our wild accusations must cease. And we need to act soon because inspite of our best advertisements, our nascent tourism industry is about to die a premature death.
Official statistics from any Indian State is a mere fraction of what the real body count is. It is however a clear indication of how lawless our administration really is and how our country is littered with individuals with vested interests and contradictions.
As a signatory to the CEDAW - Convention of Elimination of All forms of violence Against Women, all the violence that has been allowed to happen in India, sounds like a cruel joke. So is when self-appointed guardians of the society decide to lend their weight towards the worthy cause of the guilty. 


Whilst the country was still haggling, one of the men who has been accused of raping Jyothi in the now infamous 'Delhi gang rape' was found hanging. My guess is that he decided to save all of us some drama (and show the way to the other five) by hanging himself. The country erupted. Most national newspapers spent reams of newsreel on him and autopsied his life in glorious public view. His former neighhours and villagers got their 15 minutes of fame and everyone forgot about the agony that Jyothi faced. While his lawyers said he was happy in jail, his family members helpfully pointed out that he was handicapped and hence incapable of hanging himself. Raping a defenseless girl? Yes. Hanging? No way! Ofcourse, we all know that his fellow prisoners could have raped him but then I doubt if he was unhappy about having the favor returned.

Korea's evil twin flexed its muscles, again. Fired a few missiles and got on the last nerve of Uncle Sam. My questions are:
1) Why do countries that say they have nothing to fear, still do things out of fear? Aren't they reaping what they sow?
2) How do countries like Korea and India have so much money to spend on arms and ammo that won't do jackshit in feeding their hungry millions? And how is it that their missiles 'fail' miserably when tested?



SRK was in the news again. In a convoluted show of misogyny, he declared that women in all his movies will have their names appear first. The problem is not the order of names in the credits of the film. Credits merely show the pecking order.
If he really wants to show respect to the women in his films, he will give her a meatier role in his movies. Ofcourse, directors like Srinivasan in the South have produced, directed and acted in movies where the female protagonist has a much more powerful role then the male. Does SRK have it within his over-inflated ego to make and act alongside a woman who has a better role than himself? I highly doubt if he would have been happy acting as Vidya Balan's onscreen husband in Kahaani.

Bitti, the Rapist, was found safe and secure working in a nationalized bank. After being on the lam for six years, an anonymous tip-off blew his cover. The story of how he raped, jumped bail, reinvented his life with a new identity, and landed a cushy job in God's Own Country will someday be the plot of a blockbuster Bollywood movie. Moral of the story- Well, there is none.

She may have never acted in a single movie yet, but that could not stop Poonam from celebrating her 22nd birthday by taking another well publicized bath, this time in the Ganges. Well, Americans have their Kim Kardhashian and we have our Poonam.

So talking about the much married Kardashian, she stayed in the news by expressing her indignation at accusations made by her former 'Made for TV' quickie-husband Kris Humphreys. For those who came in late, Kim and Kris were like two peas of the same pod. I am surprised they didn't have a love-child together. 

Worry not, for she has quickly and effectively corrected that mistake by having a baby with her current squeeze Kanye West. Touche`

India showed rare resilience and bravado when Italy announced it was not going to send its marines back to India to be tried. Dr MS bared his fangs and so did his puppet mistress Mrs G . Both of which surprised and humored us. Our courts followed with an encore and Pakistan might have felt good that we don't go through all this theatrics every-time they kill a few of our javans. The most India was known to do is cancel cricket matches. Call it the Italian Connection. Howwzat!
But don't let any of this make you believe that we are kind or caring towards any of our foreign guests


Congress washed its hands, both literally and otherwise, off its famous son-in-law and that was that. And the US of A saw another Bush rising


Our Catholic cousins got a new Pope. And online journal Cobra Post caught our banks with their gloved hands deep inside the cookie jar in what is arguably the most organized network of money laundering in the world. Our newspapers barely gave it any coverage. And as I write this post, RBI has already given the banks a clean chit.

So all in all, this was a really exciting month! Hurray!

Mar 2, 2013

When the ground opened up

A few years ago, I remember saying 'If what I am saying is a lie, let the earth swallow me...'.
It's a powerful statement and one that does not have a better comeback line. After all, its not like that the other person will retort 'Oh yeah?!'
While the earth didn't swallow me (yet), the past week saw an man sleeping in his Florida home getting swallowed when the ground opened up.

I can only imagine his agony - buried alive. I bet scenes from 'Drag me to Hell' might have flashed in the few seconds he could have been conscious.
I can only imagine the agony of his family. One minute they were all settling down for the night and the next minute, there is a 'widening chasm' that swallowed up their beloved brother. I pretty sure they aren't going to be fans of the ground-shattering kinds.

While civic agencies rushed to save life and property in this instance, I think this points to a larger picture where we continue to show scant regard to how we build our lives. In a recent 'Lifestyle award', the presenter was talking eloquently about how 'amazing our purchases are'. Gee!
In a shallow consumerist society, its not what we are but what we have that defines us. We want the LED TV in our bedrooms, the double-door refrigerator in our modular kitchens, Persian rugs and designer sofas in our living rooms and an European SUV in the garage.
I've said this once before but I'll repeat it - We love the things we are supposed to use and Use the people that we are supposed to love.

I am poor. And I am fine about it. I may not have a car, or a home of my own or a ginormous bank balance. Heck, I don't even want my dad's inheritance. Yet, I are happy. I know that I can pack up and move in a few days. I know I won't starve because of my faith in Him. Like many people I know, the recession was particularly harsh on me but when I look back, I am amazed at how I survived so remarkably.

You might be going through a harsh phase in your life- You might be struggling in studies, or you may be struggling to get a job or even in the job. You might be in a stiffing relationship, or you could be in a relationship that is based on lust or greed. You might be battling for life or might know someone who is. Life isn't fair and any religion that tells you so, is fake.

Ask yourself - If today was your last day, what would you do?

Mar 1, 2013

The Cry Baby

Humans are a funny species.
As young ones, we cry for everything. Laugh for some. We want milk, we cry. We want attention, we cry. Theory is the kids cry because they are not able to talk or express their thoughts/feelings in words.
As we grow up, besides the importance of lacrimation, we also learn the fine art of lying through our teeth. While many of us will eventually know what battles we should fight and what we must let go, there are the incorrigible few who simply can't be reformed.
They are the meaningless people who will throw a tantrum, who can't take a feedback, and won't tolerate criticism. Some people might call them irreparably arrogant and I would agree.

Today's post is about one such person who will probably go down in the history, as the single most megalomaniac entrepreneur/con artist ever.
No, it's not Raja. It's Arindam Chaudhuri.
Wikipedia calls him an 'economist, author and director of IIPM Think Tank'. Recipient of 3 national film awards and self-professed 'management guru'.
I'd call him an overgrown cry baby.
IIPM - his daddy's convoluted idea to milk the ingrained urge of an Indian to earn a degree, get a free laptop and maybe even meet Shah Rukh Khan. IIPM's tagline reminds me of sleazy below-the-belt sales pitches of many second-hand car dealerships in the US.

So while Arindam and his cronies have been busy battling cases of cheating and misrepresentation, one smart chap decided to go a step ahead and have every website that spoke critical of Arindam (read IIPM) blocked. Masterstroke or 'Missed the bus', you decide.
That the court decided to agree with the genius baffled India's millions.
The damage was done. Most major newspapers barely gave this blatant attack on free speech any space. I wouldn't blame them. They need Arindam's full-page advt revenues after all.

So the DOT very magnanimously blocked about 78 links, including several of its own links that said how IIPM is not an university. Gee!
Hackers Of India, UNITE! And what followed was a particularly embarrassing lesson of how not to mess with hot-blooded Indians with plenty of computer skills.
And like a phoenix, the much of the content within websites that were blocked were back online. I don't think they realized that we could re-host the content. Hmm!

Today, a superior court over-ruled the lower court's ruling and while the bench did agree that blocking content (critical and otherwise) is against constitutional rights of free speech, most of the web links that were blocked still remain off-limits.

So while IIPM did earn the wrath of free speech activists, the fact that one of our country's court did manage to block dozens of sites with the impunity it did is shocking. Is this a sign of how things will be?
Will this embolden our entrepreneurs to shut mouths of their competitors in the future?
Are we headed the Chinese way?

More importantly, will the court block my blog for talking about Madamji the way I did?
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