Aug 31, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

Okay, folks. Stock up on food and water and say your prayers. This could be it.

We love gossip, correction - We love listening to those juicy bits. Towards that effort, we read news of how our most recently famous rapists spent their day after violating the photo-journalist and her male co-worker. One thing is sure, none of the rapists will be punished in a way that deserves their crime

While I've said this countless times before, our justice system needs an overhaul.
By sentencing the lone juve in the now infamous Delhi gang-rape for a paltry 3 years, I wonder how this will deter future rapists. Oh and by the way, our government has no more money for the Nirbhaya fund. How 'bout that!

Over the past couple of months, I've come to believe that we can't punish a person enough for his/her crimes committed here on earth or can we?

But as the cry for sterner punishment gathers momentum, I hope the SC will find it within themselves to ensure punishment is proportional to crimes. The only hurdle though is the government. Seeing as how the government does not want to let the judiciary grow to bite it in its balls, allowing the SC to link punishment with quorum of the crime will mean out-of-favor politicians get screwed too. But I digress.


While I do want the guilty punished,
I don't want the death penalty for any of the rapists. Hear me out.
I don't think hanging him/her will ever work. Death is too swift and too short for these monsters. I want a justice system that will put the guilty through the exact measure of trauma that the victims suffered. In the US, judges are allowed to decide the method and quorum of punishment, which has resulted in many curious verdicts that have both satisfied the victim and reformed the culprit, sometimes. I want rapists to suffer the shame, emotional and physical trauma and the untold agony of their victims. Why do we cover the faces of the guilty, when we love sharing the pictures (and names) of our victims? To rape is a horrible thing to do. And by sentencing them to the noose, aren't we letting them go easy?
So this is what I propose - The guilty and his/her family must suffer the fullest extent of shame, their faces publicized, their financial credit ruined, their careers destroyed and be listed as a sex criminal and predator for the rest of their natural lives. Human rights? Unless you've been raped, you won't remotely understand why victims feel their predators don't deserve leniency.

Juvenile Justice? I recently read a poll that listed Melbourne at the top of the most liveable city in the world. Its citizens felt safe, secure and happy.
And then a couple of days later, I read about a 10 year old girl who raped a 6 year old boy. The girl was promptly packed off to jail for 3 days and is now standing trial. I'll let those who oppose juvenile justice marinate in this for a while.

Over to politics, Jagan - Hero of the masses, closet Billionaire, went on indefinite strike over Telangana. Once upon a time, Anna went on an indefinite fast too. Now, he just visits touristy places in the US.

SC spoke 'No more beacons for VIPs', yet we had to sacrifice on the Whistle-blower Act. Atleast we got Bhatkal, eh? Some victory.

Several years ago, when I lost my driver's license, I visited the issuing RTO. After 3 hours of 'searching', I was told my file is missing. Not one to let go, I slipped Rs 50 to the attendant and they found my file in 5 minutes flat. Just like that!
So when our government reported several files were missing, that is the same shit as 'the dog ate my homework'.

In other inane political news, Sonia and her cronies passed the Food Security Bill and the Land Acquisition Bill. Sonia fainted in parliament (could be a sign from the heavens), Vadra become a 'small' farmer and politicians in Karnataka are working up the mayonnaise while at office.

With fingers on their triggers, Syria is on a tag team match with the US and its allies of the willing. And oh, if you wondered what they meant by that, then its countries that prostrate themselves before Uncle Sam.
On the Syrian side, we have Iran, Russia and China. Heavyweights that can pin America down on any given day.
Uncle Sam said - 'They've used chemical weapons'. Gee! Haven't you heard that before?! But hey! For countries that don't learn shit from earlier misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan, and from movies like Black Hawk Down, history will (in the words of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson) layeth the smacketh down.

So maybe, now could an excellent time for Obama to listen to his people. The same people who voted him to power on a wafer thin margin, believing in his many promises.
Americans: Do you actually think there is anything like a limited strike? If anything you shouldn't let your president make you believe you can come out of this smelling like roses.
Iran and Russia will not take this lightly. As Uncle Sam steps into much camel-shit, another conflict in the Middle East will be the beginning of the End.

Balmer announced his retirement. Wall St. jumped like an eager pup. Curb your enthusiasm, guys!

Google is building its own cars. But we'll need the Mars rover for our roads.

A bunch of Hindu pilgrims thought they could just flag down a train by standing in the track. This would have been roadrunner cartoon funny if it weren't for the sheer human tragedy.

Loved one died recently? Don't hurry with the funeral.

Bradley wants to become a woman. See! This is what happens when you leak secrets. Snowden, you might want to clarify your stand on this.

'Ass'aram Babu
has been accused of raping a minor. Wait! This shit happening again?! I just hope he doesn't say he is sterile like some of those other yogis regularly do.

Watching cartoons is bad. Bugs Bunny will be filing a lawsuit soon.

Anil Ambani suffered from selective memory loss. Why he doesn't forget the PIN codes for his ATM cards baffles me.

And tomorrow is payday? Cherish every rupee you get. It isn't going to last long.

And Poonam. Personally, I am amazed how you beat millions of other sperms to the egg. You are without a shadow of a doubt, the most shallow, stupid 'sell-a-brity' India has known. I highly recommend you sign up for Mars One and get the hell out of here.

Saving the best for last, Miley Cyrus grew up, and how! On second thoughts, I'm not so surprised, because she lost it when she put up a song announcing her exit from Twitter. As if!

Aug 24, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 2 of 3]

This past week, we all took a lungful of air, pinched our noses and took the deep dive. To the rest of the world at the surface, we told - 'Don't wait up, honey'.

First of all, to my Indian readers - Happy Independence day!
Now, could you please stop circulating those email chains that you forward every I-day asking to replace Jana Gana Mana with Vande Mataram? It ain't gonna happen.

It was all in a day's work for our reclusive, reticent Defence Minister. Launching submarines and battleships, then presiding over ones that sank mysteriously. Conspiracy theories flew thick and some played the blame game. But that didn't stop us from gloating, you see. Are we even supposed to believe China is impressed?! Might we remind ourselves how they are picnicking at Arunachal Pradesh? Or maybe we can just put up 'Made In India' posters of our battleships at the border and that will keep them off.
With ships that don't sail, subs that sink to the bottom, planes that won't take off and the ones that do regularly fall off the sky and an army that loves subsidized tipples and the neighbor's wife, it is but a marvel why we have not been wiped off by our neighbors yet.

And like the INS Sindhurakshak, the Rupee sank. Confirmed reports say it hasn't hit the rock bottom of the Marianna Trench, yet. We got thrown out of the trillion dollar club (!!!).
The flip side is, the next time some firang-returned Indian tells you we are just a developing country, you can slap the bejesus out of him/her and tell them 'STFU, we are in the billionaire club'.
The good news is Gold is back up, so you can finally sell all that gold you bought, make a profit and buy that overpriced apartment.


Amidst all the random bullcrap that gets spoken, our opposition did blurt out the inevitable truth- Our economy has taken a time travel and gone back to the future of 1991. Let's all take five and wait for our nation to catch up.

 
Modi was in the news, again. Blah! The guy is turning into the SRK of politics! First he trash-talks the Quiet Head of our Quiet Nation on the I-day and then heads to UK.
Modi is like that acid reflux after eating that roadside biriyani from that pushcart with questionable hygiene. Feel the Feeling!

But don't let the infighting fool you. They know how to unite as well. Against good. Funny thing is we let them unite against the lone sane voice in the wilderness. Is it because we know that they will get away with it or because deep inside we want the same thing as the politicians?

And like a bad smell that clings to you, we had more men raping fewer women. This is what happens when pornstars announce their retirement. Out came the 'Stop Rape Now' placards and part-time protesters. In exactly 2 days, we will have a new scam to talk about. Yay!

Abdul Karim Tunda got bagged, tagged and slapped. Welcome to India.
The annual prisoner release happened. Good! But could someone tell them to stop arresting innocent fishermen in the first place?
Kishtar and tell it. Omar took the bull by the horn. The 'mainlanders' (aka The Rest of Us) didn't like his guts. If you ask me, we need more politicians like Omar.
Andhra boiled. India Shining!

Across the pond, Middle East was on simmer.
First Egypt, then Syria. As thousands were killed in their sleep by chemical weapons, and as Uncle Sam stiffened, one thing is sure - This isn't going to end well.
While the world looks towards the UN (read US) another expensive US-led coalition war in the Middle East has doomsday written all over it.
Hosni is out. Mubbarak, Egypt!

A hop, skip and jump away, The Guardian got screwed. There goes all our perceptions of free speech, eh?!
Norwegian PM swapped clothes and went undercover. But don't let the critics bother you, Mr Manmohan Singh. You just enjoy the rest of your notice period.

Maybe if we agitated and protested as fiercely as Indian politicians fight in parliament, then maybe we will have laws that will stop our men from raping our women, deter misadventures from Pakistan and China won't invade us anymore. Alas, if wishes were candy.

But if you thought we are doomed, take a number and get in line. Japan is at the counter and cashing its chips in, and this might take a while. With a country full of geezers, politicians who don't know what to do (deja vu`) and the mother of all leaks, Japan is soon going to be the black hole that will suck the rest of us in.

Previously I said, Hell hath no fury like a spurned IAS officer.
Correction: Hell hath no fury like a spurned Oprah.
And if you didn't know this already, Area 51 exists. How shocking!
Next Week: We discover God.

In other weird news, surgeons removed a 4" fork from penis of a 70 year old geezer. I could give you 500 MB of funny euphemisms to this piece of gem, but I'll give it a rest.

In closing, Kurshid doesn't know what went wrong with Pakistan and China.
Shinde is shitting in his pants trying to figure out what's going wrong with the law and order in our country.
Anthony can't fix the forces.
Chiddu has no clue what's wrong with the Rupee.
Mr Singh has exhausted his quota of words at his last Independence Day speech.
Anna is away on an all-expenses paid vacation.
This is the story of our times. Mera Bharat Mahan!

But I hope you enjoyed the Perseids meteor shower.

Aug 11, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 1 of 3]

The past week, politicians felt foolish.
I said 'Go with the feeling'.

A 22 year old JNU student did a Freddy Krueger and killed himself. And that's how urban legends are born, thank you.

And it looks like one of my wishes came true! Smarting from the accounting frauds at Satyam a few years ago, the government finally signed into law The Companies Act, 2012, which makes it mandatory for companies among other things to be involved in Corporate CSR. Now, the real work should be in the details. The Act should specify who and what could be the benefactors of this largesse.

If you thought you've achieved everything in life after you've settled into that expensive new home that you will be slogging your butts off to pay the mortgages for the next 20 years, think again. This family left their home and returned to find a pile of rubble. No earthquake this. All in a day's work for land sharks and petty politicians.

Snowden settled into Russia. O said Snowden is no patriot and cancelled his meeting with Putin. How mature!
Okay, so he promised more transparency into such surveillance, but that was not what he originally said, was it? By defending his government's classified programs to monitor people and their communications, he has inadvertently eroded much of the goodwill and trust that his people and his allies had on his country. The truth could be that common Americans are either too terrified or too busy to bother. But let's face it - 20 years after the Cold War, Russia is still that speck in Uncle Sam's eye.

Iran got a new puppet. While Mr Rouhani has a lot on his plate, one thing is sure - Its all uphill from here.

Indians (the ones who didn't have much else to fight about) still fought over Durga like a bunch of hyenas. She got the support from her fellow bureaucrats.The SC spoke. Mrs G put in a word. But I think this is ironic on so many levels mainly because she is named after a Hindu goddess. Brush aside all the noise, it is clear to see how all of this is just a diversionary tactic, a sleight of hand that will cover up other scams  that happen. Khemka, anyone?

Doctors revolted. For a profession that promises to serve selflessly, I am surprised why we are even allowing them to protest.

A few years ago, when I was flying to Srilanka, a co-passenger next to me was filling up the transit form when he had to mention which port he was going to disembark at. He paused for a few seconds, and then wrote 'Airport'. Well, obviously he didn't expect to land at a seaport, or was he just referring to some of our Indian airports that become flooded? After Delhi, it was Kochi.

While some of Micromax's ads peddle the Canvas smartphones, the owners of the company are living the credo when they were caught bribing. Say it with me, folks - You Can Do Anything!

For better or worse, Yahoo has decided to shed its skin. Maybe they should set they inflated egos aside and sell themselves to Microsoft already.

And in the main byte of the week, Indian soldiers got ambushed and killed (yet again) by terrorists and men in Pakistani army clothes (WOW!).
India: 'This is unacceptable'. Pakistan shuddered.
Our Defense Minister suffered from verbal diarrhea and ended up with more spoiled fish-moilee curry than he could've imagined. The Opposition pounced on shortie like NFL players trying to block the touchdown. Antony ate humble pie. Apology accepted and everyone went home a happy man.
To the question- When are we going to grow some balls and retaliate, the answer is - When hell freezes over and decides to ban chicken tikka masala from its menu.

Our politicians are intellectually and politically impotent to strike when the iron is hot. And I have a theory (albeit a borrowed one) about why -
When a country like ours (nuclear armed yada yada) strikes first, it loses its morality and pity factor. Unlike the US, no matter how right we are we are too scared to be 'in the bad books'. Instead what we love doing is wait for our neighbors to strike us and strike us hard so that we can enjoy the outpouring of support, both financially and logistically, that our NRIs and the West are known for. Surely, a first strike will hurt but the rush of support that we will end up getting is something that our neighbors are wary of.
So as long as Pakistan fires a few thousand shells, kills a couple of soldiers here and there and doesn't wipe the Deccan Plateau clean, they know it will be okay with us.

But just in case you were wallowing in self-pity and remorse, Mr PM reminded us that we are one of 6 countries in the world that is capable of destroying other countries. Enter INS Arihant. Mr Singh finished his quota of words for the month of August and shall not speak until September. Theek Hai.

'Dawood Ibrahim is not in Pakistan'. Yeah, and I suck at English.
Hafiz Saeed wished India Eid Mubbarak in his special little way. We shuddered. Now, imagine if he actually comes marching towards Delhi.

Bad year for the Kardhashians? Actually not. Any news is good news for a lady (and siblings) whose only claim to fame is a 'leaked' sex tape and 'made for TV' marriage.

Buy your Samsung Galaxy phones while they are still around. Judging by the way, Apple has been hunting Samsung down, I think we are heading towards Armageddon. Or you could simply switch.

Chennai Express.
Couple of things are clear-
SRK is on his way out. And how!
Deepika really needed the money because I don't know why else she would still be acting.
And the makers of this movie might have really hated the pair. In the 2 plus hours that you are trapped in the theater, you are wondering what atrocity SRK and Deepika could have done to Rohit Shetty and Co. that he deliberately wanted to screw them both. And they actually smiled through the promotions?!
Deepika, let me give you the same sane advice I gave Ms Leone. Get into an acting class. Date a rising star and get married. Stop acting. It isn't working for us.
If we ever had anything like the Razzies, Chennai Express would sweep all the categories unanimously. Absolute and Total Trash. Avoid it like the bubonic plague.

Salman K became the most searched celebrity online. Take that, Poonam Pandhey.
Paying tribute to our ideals of beauty and wanton materialism, we crowned the best dressed celebrities. Take a bow!

And here's something else to chew on- Our national bird, CBI didn't break free and for good reason. Hindi is not our national language and Hockey is not our national game. Aren't we great!

'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro'  - Hunter S. Thompson.
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