Aug 24, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 2 of 3]

This past week, we all took a lungful of air, pinched our noses and took the deep dive. To the rest of the world at the surface, we told - 'Don't wait up, honey'.

First of all, to my Indian readers - Happy Independence day!
Now, could you please stop circulating those email chains that you forward every I-day asking to replace Jana Gana Mana with Vande Mataram? It ain't gonna happen.

It was all in a day's work for our reclusive, reticent Defence Minister. Launching submarines and battleships, then presiding over ones that sank mysteriously. Conspiracy theories flew thick and some played the blame game. But that didn't stop us from gloating, you see. Are we even supposed to believe China is impressed?! Might we remind ourselves how they are picnicking at Arunachal Pradesh? Or maybe we can just put up 'Made In India' posters of our battleships at the border and that will keep them off.
With ships that don't sail, subs that sink to the bottom, planes that won't take off and the ones that do regularly fall off the sky and an army that loves subsidized tipples and the neighbor's wife, it is but a marvel why we have not been wiped off by our neighbors yet.

And like the INS Sindhurakshak, the Rupee sank. Confirmed reports say it hasn't hit the rock bottom of the Marianna Trench, yet. We got thrown out of the trillion dollar club (!!!).
The flip side is, the next time some firang-returned Indian tells you we are just a developing country, you can slap the bejesus out of him/her and tell them 'STFU, we are in the billionaire club'.
The good news is Gold is back up, so you can finally sell all that gold you bought, make a profit and buy that overpriced apartment.


Amidst all the random bullcrap that gets spoken, our opposition did blurt out the inevitable truth- Our economy has taken a time travel and gone back to the future of 1991. Let's all take five and wait for our nation to catch up.

 
Modi was in the news, again. Blah! The guy is turning into the SRK of politics! First he trash-talks the Quiet Head of our Quiet Nation on the I-day and then heads to UK.
Modi is like that acid reflux after eating that roadside biriyani from that pushcart with questionable hygiene. Feel the Feeling!

But don't let the infighting fool you. They know how to unite as well. Against good. Funny thing is we let them unite against the lone sane voice in the wilderness. Is it because we know that they will get away with it or because deep inside we want the same thing as the politicians?

And like a bad smell that clings to you, we had more men raping fewer women. This is what happens when pornstars announce their retirement. Out came the 'Stop Rape Now' placards and part-time protesters. In exactly 2 days, we will have a new scam to talk about. Yay!

Abdul Karim Tunda got bagged, tagged and slapped. Welcome to India.
The annual prisoner release happened. Good! But could someone tell them to stop arresting innocent fishermen in the first place?
Kishtar and tell it. Omar took the bull by the horn. The 'mainlanders' (aka The Rest of Us) didn't like his guts. If you ask me, we need more politicians like Omar.
Andhra boiled. India Shining!

Across the pond, Middle East was on simmer.
First Egypt, then Syria. As thousands were killed in their sleep by chemical weapons, and as Uncle Sam stiffened, one thing is sure - This isn't going to end well.
While the world looks towards the UN (read US) another expensive US-led coalition war in the Middle East has doomsday written all over it.
Hosni is out. Mubbarak, Egypt!

A hop, skip and jump away, The Guardian got screwed. There goes all our perceptions of free speech, eh?!
Norwegian PM swapped clothes and went undercover. But don't let the critics bother you, Mr Manmohan Singh. You just enjoy the rest of your notice period.

Maybe if we agitated and protested as fiercely as Indian politicians fight in parliament, then maybe we will have laws that will stop our men from raping our women, deter misadventures from Pakistan and China won't invade us anymore. Alas, if wishes were candy.

But if you thought we are doomed, take a number and get in line. Japan is at the counter and cashing its chips in, and this might take a while. With a country full of geezers, politicians who don't know what to do (deja vu`) and the mother of all leaks, Japan is soon going to be the black hole that will suck the rest of us in.

Previously I said, Hell hath no fury like a spurned IAS officer.
Correction: Hell hath no fury like a spurned Oprah.
And if you didn't know this already, Area 51 exists. How shocking!
Next Week: We discover God.

In other weird news, surgeons removed a 4" fork from penis of a 70 year old geezer. I could give you 500 MB of funny euphemisms to this piece of gem, but I'll give it a rest.

In closing, Kurshid doesn't know what went wrong with Pakistan and China.
Shinde is shitting in his pants trying to figure out what's going wrong with the law and order in our country.
Anthony can't fix the forces.
Chiddu has no clue what's wrong with the Rupee.
Mr Singh has exhausted his quota of words at his last Independence Day speech.
Anna is away on an all-expenses paid vacation.
This is the story of our times. Mera Bharat Mahan!

But I hope you enjoyed the Perseids meteor shower.
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