Monday, September 30, 2013

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

In India, there are only a handful of things that you can do if you want to live the Indian dream - Movies, Politics and Cricket. Incidentally, none of them require a high school education.

Enter Vindoo Dara Singh. Description: A movie star (really?!) with deep connections with politicians and other cricketers (and their wives).
Act 2. Scene 2: Enter Gurunath Meiyappan. Outlawed son-in-law of god of (Indian) cricket - Srini. 
So while Srini has elected himself, none of us should really gasp in horror, because we should be accustomed to the nepotism and impropriety in public office. All Hail the dicktator.
Lalit Modi got his Life Ban. He intends to fight it, as soon as he logs on to twitter

Talking about dicktators, AK of UP did the predictable. He reinstated the fiery Durga Nagpal. Now, tell me folks, how many of you didn't see this coming? 

In Kenya, bunch of guys with guns and nothing else to do stormed a mall. All hell broke lose and 59 were killed. Apparently, this was in retaliation for Kenyan intervention in the Somalian crisis. So now, the Somalis can expect a Kenyan retaliation for the Somalian retaliation for the Kenyan intervention. 
They sure picked the wrong target. Hell hath no fury like the Israelis. 

..Or Rahul Gandhi, who ripped our poor, quiet-as-a-church-mouse PM Mr Manmohan Singh's ordinance against disqualifying corrupt (!!) politicians. Indian politics is beginning to resemble WWE 'feuds'. What was Rahul doing when his puppet premier was preparing the ordinance? Not picking daisies, I suppose. See, that is the problem with us. We hate it when he does not do anything and we hate it when he does something. Nonsense!

The Supreme Court instructed voters can choose 'None of the above' when they vote. Applause!!
Who will this benefit? How can this clean up the electoral system? For those who believe having the NOTA will rid the government of scum, good luck. 
Those who lose elections at the moment, lose not because their constituents did not believe in them. They lost because they distributed lesser (if any) largess than their competitors. Indian elections are no longer about meaningful debates, sensible and actionable manifestos or integrity of character. Financing an election is super-expensive and the ones who win will step into the league of extraordinarily wealthy gentlemen and the ones who lose, get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) ration card.

But don't even think about getting an Aadhaar card. Because the SC says so.

Meanwhile, our PM has been on the world tour. 
He spoke tough (!!) against Pakistan. Cherish the voice, dear people of India. This is one of those events in our lives when we hear the PM speak. The usual rhetoric - Stop terrorism, then talk. 
Nawaz, in return, told him to get rid of his 'womanly ways'. Hey! How dare you trash talk our PM, that's our birth-right and we don't intend on pawning it anytime soon. Thank you
Seeing as how this could be his last year as the puppet, he might as well enjoy the trip

Advani did his swan song. Nobody listened.
The US government shut down, as the House of Representatives refused to budge and tries to choke Obamacare. Why is the 'most' educated, industrialized, prosperous and the greatest nation on earth so scared about something as important as health insurance. So for as long as I live, I won't understand why people don't and won't take adequate insurance for themselves. 
In the meanwhile, while this shutdown will put 8 lakh people out of jobs, Republicans like Lee Terry needs his salary to pay for his 'Nice Home'. 
Now repeat after me, ladies and gentlemen: Gloom and Doom. 

Ever wondered why our rapists and murderers (and cricketers) have their faces covered when taken to court/cop-house? No, its not to prevent a sun tan, but to ensure they don't get their good selves trashed to kingdom Kom like these unlucky chaps.

Talking about jails, our Munnabhai got some bail. For 14 days. Looking every bit the part, with a salt and pepper beard and Nehru topi, I think he is ready for politics when he is done with his sentence. 
And oh yeah. So did Jagan. Talk about timing

One spurned lover threw acid on her flame. Where are the placards
A teenager working as a servant escapes. Its such a pity that juvenile victims are not as lucky as the juvenile accused. Irony of our times.

In other news, Tunisia is fighting sex jihadis (read 'hot, young women') who are traveling to Syria to 'comfort the militants'. Great!!
Another round of mass shooting, in Chicago. The less said, the better
An angry Tripura husband sent his estranged wife (his) severed thumb. I'd call this his ultimate sacrifice. He might have already pawned his balls away as alimony. 
All sorts of things were happening at Peshawar - churches getting burned, new islands sprouting from the sea... 

If you ever feel depressed at how inhumane humans have become, take a moment and read this.

Blackberry got juiced. 
Miss Philipines became the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Finally, Grand Masti hit the theaters, with a dull thud.
I watched it. And this is one act that I would like erased from my record
How do I put it?
Grand Masti can be compared to the green gooey shitty concoction that cannot be scrapped off from the business-end of a dog that ate the vomit of a drunk who masturbates to David Dhawan movies. 
That it grossed 100 crores grossed the aforementioned dog.

Good luck!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 2 of 3]

Sorry folks, no hyperlinks this time..

Better sense prevailed.

Obama spared all of us another war. Syria will spend $1 billion to dismantle its chemical weapons.
The courts punished the most famous rapists in the only way it knew - Death.
Rangarajan cut GDP forecasts.
Srini punished Sree in the swiftest way known to cricket - Life ban.

Our government cheated on 1024 promises it made. Nothing official about it, eh?
Modi: First denounced his desire to become the next prime minister, was later crowned the party's prime ministerial candidate. Advani gave in to popular demand (read Modi).
Former Olympian Rajyavardhan Rathore joined politics.
A 16 year old was abducted and gang-raped by cops in J&K and a 14 year old rape victim killed herself.

Well, I never said it was all good news.

If I've learned anything from all the wars we have ever fought, then it is how leaders of our nations have acted with unilateral hate. Sometimes, as self elected representatives of civilized countries that call themselves developed, they assume an air of pseudo importance and consider it their mortal purpose to save us from imagined sins. But in doing so, they only expose their own lack of morality.
I don't think the ordinary American worries about Assad crossing the red line of gassing his own constituents. The only line the West are crossing are the thin line of double standards in humanitarian intervention.
Ordinary Americans have far graver tragedies to deal with. They live a life of incredible unpredictability. They aren't sure if they will have a job tomorrow, will end up as unwitting victims of some raged gunman, or if they can hold on to their homes.
Indian-Americans will continue to fight racism. What surprises me is not how Nina Davuluri beat the competition, but how 'patriotic' Americans sit in their moral high horse and show the world how stupid they really are. So @Granvil_Colt, @jakeamick5, @jayres15, @NateBerard, @sarawhitton, @SHANN__Wow, @Blayne_MkltRain and the thousand others who couldn't believe a land of a billion plus could possibly produce another beauty queen fit to rule the world- Go f**k yourselves. Haven't you heard about the Muslimah World pageant?

Modi promised to put Pakistan in its place, if he is elected to power. I don't know how to react to this. This has doomsday written all over it.

Marissa Meyers fears being imprisoned if her company does not hand over their user's details, anytime it is 'requested'. As the head of a major search engine, this cannot be good news, can it?
For all you staunch Lance Armstrong fans, stay away from 'The Armstrong Lie', a documentary that promises to shred any tiny bit of the aura he's retained.

Voyager 1, the interplanetary probe has left the solar system.
We have been pretty busy too. Launching an ICBM and planning an unmanned probe to Mars. Why? Are we done screwing up earth already?

Paes and Radek brought (respective) home another Grand Slam championship. Three Cheers!
Closer home, communal violence ripped apart whatever semblance of secularism we portrayed.

Ranbaxy got banned, because they found human hair. Relax, we've found worse things in our food. Besides, all this just helps build immunity.

After fighting for what seemed like a millennium, Dell is going private. Finally!

That's all the time we have for the news, folks.
Go out and enjoy the world, while it's still bright and sunny.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 1 of 3]

'Good to have a goal'
Have you ever reminisced of simpler, happier times in the past? In the future, you will think these were wonderful times too.

Our senile little Home Minister Mr Shinde, bragged of how he is going to bring each of our terrorists back to India 'one by one'. How about getting all the money your colleagues have stashed away back, eh?

Serial rapist Jaishankar broke out of the Central Jail at Bangalore. By the time I'm writing this post, our cops have caught him and they are patting themselves on their backs. So that's fodder for another episode of Breakout.
On a more 'positive' note, our juvenile rapist will be a free man in about 25 months from now.
If you thought he got off easy, the monsters at Shakti Mills had previous experience in the field.
Ariel Castro hung himself. Another easy escape for a rapist who was sentenced to 1000 years without the chance of parole.

Along with everything else, biscuit sales took the deep dive too. Which means dogs won't get their daily doze of Parle`G biscuits anymore.

In a mad rush to fix things it screwed up in time for the elections next year, the UPA seems to be bringing all sorts of oddball bills. Correct me if I am wrong, but do we really need legislation that can barely fund itself?

Thought Europe is in the midst of a recession? Right! At € 100 million, Bale is laughing all the way to the bank.
And like clockwork, the government brushed Uttarakhand underneath the carpets of our mind. With wisdom that defies logic, the government decides to stop relief work and start preparing for the next batch of visitors. No lessons learned here.

Syria. Obama's renewed zeal to fight looks vaguely familiar. He told his people Syria won't be another Iraq or Afghanistan. I'd recommend O watches 'Green Zone' .
While the US Congress has set the stage for an limited airstrike with a long list of riders, if it is WMD that the American coalition of the willing is looking for, then they are probably barking up the wrong bark. Again.
There are a lot of things that is wrong about the American urge to set things right in the Middle East. Syria may not be the foe that can bring the US down, but with the Russians and the Chinese with them, is the US biting more than it can chew?
By launching an attack, the rebels and the loyalists will unite against the common enemy and with their loyalists' promise that not even the threat of a third World War will stop them from fighting the Americans, this is one war Obama must resist.

The Malawian government has promised to feed millions out of the proceeds of selling the private jet of its former president. If we were to sell off all the ill-gotten assets of our politicians, our poor can be fed for the next 1000 years. Food for thought.
While Microsoft got Nokia, we got the KitKat. Google signed up with Nestle to market the latest Android flavor. Drool!
Zubin Mehta enchanted the valley and in true nationalistic spirit, we cried coarse and sang praises.
The IOC kicked IOA in the nuts. Ouch! That had to hurt.
If you thought superstition has been stamped out, ask Akhilesh.
And for the first time, the NY Fashion Week will feature plus-sized models. More power to the cause.
Our PM opened his mouth and out fell another nugget of wisdom - He is not the custodian of documents. This I can believe.

And in this week's 'obscure to infamy' category, Ania Lisewska of Poland has won it legs apart (pun intended). All of 21, Ms Lisewska aims to have sex with 100,000 men in her life. So either this is a time-tested way to get famous, or we have an alien running around trying to copulate a'la 'Species'.
Moral of the story: Its always good to have goals.

Au revoir

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