May 11, 2014

While you were gone, that's how the cookie crumbled in April 2014 [Part 1]

Pause Life. The biggest political event in the planet is taking place.

Our politicians had their regular bout of verbal diarrhea. Mulayam Singh helpfully pointed out that rapists should not be hung because boys will be boys. Gee! I wish they'd just buy a car or something and not rape women, but whatever.

This was the season, many of our leaders got slapped, slippered and painted. 

Azam Khan forgot his insanity pills and determined that Kargil martyrs were Muslims. Next year, we'll pack him off to Biggg Brother. Let's see how he will handle all the racism there.

Bad news for those hard working Bangladeshis doing jobs that you and I won't touch with a barge pole - If Modi comes to the throne, they better start packing up. 

Manmohanji was in the news for all the wrong reasons. AgainThis time a former Media Adviser released a book 'The Accidental Prime Minister' that told us pretty much all that I've been telling you all along. 
His half brother (sounds like Harry Potter) joined the BJP. Can someone please tell me how effective an 'half-brother' will be? Will he be only half as silent? 

Finally, Vadra is the flavor of the season. My Advice, Vadraji: Get out of India, pronto.

AAP conveniently missed LGBT reforms in its manifesto. What gives Kejriwal?

With more stardust than before, this election was the perfect time to watch your favorite out of job movie stars in person. Loyal constituents decided to press themselves and Nagma got the touch.

As we make headlines and break records, let's choose the lesser evil and hope to God that we survive the next 10 years. 

But if you are one of the millions who didn't vote, then STFU and watch IPL. The only sports event where you'll see Russian and Croatian cheerleaders wearing leggings underneath gaudy skirts waving the shit out of pom poms. 

And while we are still talking about them, can someone please pay the Royal Challengers Bangalore cheerleaders a little extra? The way they have to do their odd pelvic gyrations every time Chris Gayle hits the ball into the next zipcode, they deserve the extra pay.

But the season didn't start as cheerfully. India lost the ICC Twenty20 championship to Srilanka rather meekly. 

The way Chennai SuperKings have been playing the league matches, it looks like Srini Saar has not been paying the players enough. What's up, Srini?
If you ask me, I'd say - legalize betting. All this hullabaloo about betting is like asking children not to copy in an open-book test. Not.Gonna.Happen.

Across the pond, studies showed 1700 American teens are becoming mothers every week. Durex clearly isn't doing its job. Maybe they need to conduct free hysterectomy procedures?

A bomb killed 23 in Islamabad and a knife wielding student stabbed 20 students in the US. Didn't even make it to the headlines here.
One dirty bomb kills 1 in Chennai. Suddenly everyone loses their mind.

The SC handed down the death penalty to the 3 bastards who partook of the rapes in Shakthi Mills, Mumbai last year. You want to know who else the SC doesn't want to live? The Rajiv Gandhi assassins. The Fat Lady proposed, SC disposed

Oh but there was a fair bit of sunshine too. Apparently, with the added incentive of polls round the corner, the SC ruled that the government must recognize the 'third gender'. Bobby Darling, I hear, is very happy.

The business conglomerate Sahara was asked to deposit Rs 10,000 cr as bail if they want their rags-to-riches boss out of prison. Last we heard, they have about Rs 5000 cr ready cash money and wanted time for the rest. Blah! The SC behaved like a truant warlord and said: 'No part payment. Get the 10k now or stay in prison'. 

Mush seems to be really lucky nowadays. What, after losing the elections, surviving a major heart attack, he seemed to have lived through yet another assassination attempt. Charmed Life, I say!

Talking about penny-wise, pound foolish, American car major GM decided to save $1 per car instead of changing the design of a critical car component that resulted in 13 deaths. See, this is why the Indians will always remain the kings (and queens) of thrift.

Heading to Brazil? Want to cheap place to stay? Try the 'Tower of David'.

Right on the heels of namma Microsoft CEO, we now have another local boy from Manipal become the Nokia CEO. So after Jaguar Land Rover, Microsoft and now Nokia, we are all set to take over the world.

Need ideas on home-improvement? Take cues from a local BJP minister who just spent Rs2 crore of our money decorating his ministerial bungalow with 15 split air conditioners, porcelain for the shit-pot and various other gadgets that will make Bill Gate's home look like a low cost garage.

Meanwhile, the Pakistani Electricity Board cracked the whips and even the Pakistani PM is sweating bullets. Moral: Pay your bills on time.

The IOC put up their hands in exasperation and declared how the Olympic preparations in Rio are the worst in history. Surely, they haven't seen Kalmadiji at work.

In other news, remember to change your passwords. A computer genius inadvertently released a bug (appropriately named #Heartburn) that created a trapdoor that made countless secure webpages vulnerable giving a hacker the chance to steal invaluable data. See, that's why you should tattoo all your passwords.

Ramesh Agrawal. Green Nobel prize winner and true Hero. No selfies. No one knows.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Indian LCA went supersonic. Bah!
Toyota made history by recalling 6.4 million vehicles globally. So much for Japanese quality

IT workers in France can not refuse to answer their boss's phone call and emails after 6 pm. Now, that's one rule I wish we had here in India

Literary epic 'To Kill a Mockingbird' went online and viral. 'Nuff said.


The legendary Sherpas boycotted Everest after several of their colleagues died in a mishap that could have been prevented. 
In similar news, Srilanka deported a Brit just because she had a tattoo of Buddha. 

The Google Car logged 1000 miles of safe driving. But give it to Salman Khan and he will still kill pedestrians. Its all about BeingHuman, after all.

If you thought its only Indian politicians who can't keep their mouths shut and their penises in place, take heart. Vladimir Zhironovsky, a Kremlin stooge and first-rate buffoon has been caught ordering his aides to violently rape a pregnant scribe. Mulayamji, please take note.

We all switched off the lights and made more babies on the World Earth Day on the 22nd April.
Talking about earth, if you have been hoping for a good monsoon this season, give it up. El Nino hereo

2 States, a movie based on a novel by the same name by Chetan Bhagat, hit the theaters and captured the hearts and the imagination of our young intercontinental lovers. Whilst the book has oodles of sex and sleaze, I think the movie was subtle, but can someone please tell me how we can launch into a well choreographed group dance in the middle of a geeky college? My Rating: 7. 

The US has its presidential libraries, we have the dilapidated MPLAD bus stops, Pakistan has the Lal Masjid's Osama Bin Laden library. Isn't our world perfect?

Meanwhile in Iran, a grief-stricken mother chose to slap his son's killer, forgive him and spare him the noose. RESPECT!
And it was revealed that the CIA uses excessive and unnecessary force on its prisoners. Who knew?

Over 200 Nigerian girls were kidnapped and later converted to Islam. OBL must be running out of virgins in paradise.

In other tragic news, a South Korean ferry that sunk while carrying school-children on a picnic. With over 284 missing and 4 dead, this tragedy of epic proportions could have been prevented. Shame!

In 'Google The Shit out of ..' section, Google the shit out of  *drum rolls, please* Vijay Seshadri. Pulitzer winning poet and namma boy. Fully Pride
In 'Folks you have to watch out for...!' section, look out for Jia Ruhan. Talented, young and QC'ed by Beijing, she is set to rock your world.

No, this was not all. I just ran out of time
Stay tuned for Part Duo. 
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