Monday, February 29, 2016

My Biggest Regret | Manna for your Soul

Let's see.

I regret not spending more time with my family growing up.
I regret having the fear of failing.
I regret not doing my engineering.
I regret not saying No to people/relationships when I should've I said it.
I regret not standing up for myself.
I regret believing people when they said I was no good.
I regret staying within my comfort zone for too long.
I regret not being a better friend to some people.
I regret not accepting myself for what I am, for too long.
'My Biggest Regrets' list is quite long..

As we strive to make our lives performance-based, we forget that quality and not quantity is what matters.
We rush to fill our days with travails and memories while living paycheck to paycheck, without ever stopping to realize the people in our lives are there not because of what we earn, but inspite it. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've had an epiphany of sorts. 
Its difficult and socially unacceptable to talk about your regrets, insecurities and weaknesses. 
Many people I've spoken to told me they shared the same list of regrets in their lives too. 
Like me, I know people who have allowed a past relationship traumatize them for far too long. I know people who have not healed past their wounds of betrayal even after years of being apart. I know how it feels because I've allowed people to live on in my heart long after they exited. 

Almost everyone I know archived their regrets until it was too late to undo them.
My dad was one of them. 
He had dreams of traveling to Cyprus, Israel and other places with my mom after his retirement. 
He dreamt of fishing in the backwaters behind our home in Kerala.
He dreamt of having a dog and many more.
He achieved none of them. 
You might know someone who died with regrets in their hearts too. 

How would you feel if you were given a chance to 'Delete' and 'Restart'?
I know I want to. 

I want to say I'm Sorry to everyone I hurt and I want to forgive everyone who hurt me. I just don't want to continue to live with the realization that either of us are hurt. If we can start over, I'd love to.
I want to pursue my dreams and my goals, even when they look like a pipe-dream now.
I want to love the people who care enough to be with me even when I wasn't loving them enough.
I want to start all over again and live a life with people who love me and care for me and who I care about. 
I want to learn how to get out of my comfort zone and say what I need to say when I need to say it. 

Because the death bed will be too uncomfortable to undo everything. 

Sunday, February 07, 2016

The demise of a heart | Manna for your Soul

This is the month of love!

What happens when people fall in love?
Colors are brighter, smells are stronger, fragrances are arousing, mountains become molehills, you get the drift right..

But here's a question most people don't want to ask themselves - What happens when a relationship breaks?
Suddenly you feel a vacuum in your life. Your phone don't feel the same anymore. Its almost like you've died inside. 
You fall back onto habits that comforted you, but realise that nothing is the same again. 
Every bone in your body feels disjointed. Every muscle like a over-stretched rubber-band. 
You want to curl up in the darkest corner of the dankest room in your house and stay there.
You cry out to God asking for peace. Sometimes you just cry.
You want to be alone yet with company just so that you can hear voices other than your own. 
You have chores to do but any effort is simply futile.
You desperately cling onto fading memories of a dead relationship... hoping it would come alive again.
You dissect and analyse every minute of what happened and wish you could undo it. Even if you know that only means sacrificing the reason why you did it in the first place.

You want to cure that throbbing pain somewhere in the nether regions of your heart and intestines. 
Some people would want to drown their pain but like corpses that float back up, memories buoy. 
Most believe time will heal your pain and maybe it will. But what can heal your pain right now?
Prayer can. But like everything else, God cannot be rushed.

Why do relationships break?
People are attracted to each other because of things they share.
In the rare chance that you actually find that someone who fits you like that carefully-knit customized glove, don't let go. If you have found a person so alike you, you'd even have the same tattoo and the same temperaments, pawn away your ego and stay.  
The perspectives are varied, and the journey to the now was different. The dreams could be the same, but the paper to those blueprints are different. 
Your expectations out of each other grow. You expect the other person to be reasonable, patient, forgiving and loving. We want our love to be like in Corinthians 13: 4-8. We earnestly want a love that is perfect. 
Yet how many of us are really patient and hopeful? 
How many of us can claim to not be angered, boastful and trusting?

But the truth is - Human relationships are imperfect. Very few people can claim to be everything we are told to be in Corinthians 13. The only perfect relationship you can ever have is one with God. 
The fact that you are alive and reading this is proof that God loves you more than he/she loved you. 

Pray, even if all you can ask is for yourself. Because He knows you are hurting. 
Pray, even if you are angry at God for what happened. Because He isn't going to be mad at you for being pissed off at Him.
Pray, even if sobs intersperse your sentences. Because He knows the hurt behind those tears.
Pray, for him/her. Ask that they find happiness and peace in their souls. Because no matter why the relationship failed, they are going through every painful ache that you are going through as well. Because they need healing too. Because if you were with them, you wouldn't bear to see their tears, how could you let them grieve when you are not with them? 
Pray for both of yourselves. Because you both need the peace that surpasses all understanding. Because you need to heal.
Pray, because you can't be vengeful. Because it's much more satisfying when you let the person you loved the most go.

Personally, I've always believed in - 'If you love a person, let them go. If they come back, they were yours. If they don't. They never were.' 
My pastor would add - 'Sometimes, you just have to keep the doors to your heart open for a little while longer. And if they don't come back, atleast you know you tried and didn't give up so easily.' 

You could hold yourself back to shield the pain of a future heartbreak, but when the relationship breaks, you will be shattered. 
You may not want to feel exposed, but the truth is - when you are in love, you have already made yourself vulnerable. Because when you are in love, you are letting that person choose to love you as much as they can hurt you. 

My advice: Don't break up. Better still, don't fall in love. 
Romantic relationships are not for people who can feel pain, articulate it and write about it.

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