Friday, December 09, 2016

10 Golden Rules!

Ok, it's time to set things right now.
Men's room etiquette.
Sure, there are plenty of pointers online and I am sure you may have read atleast one meme about it by now (if you haven't, here's your chance to educate yourself)
So, in the interest of huMANity, here are some for the men out there -
  • Open that door gently. Don't storm in like you are rushing in for a meeting with Sunny Leonne. And perchance you have slammed someone in the process, Apologize. That
    poor guy (actually) didn't see what was coming.  
  • Last In, First Out. Once in, proceed to the furtherest urinal from the fellow company. Can't stress this enough. I don't want you to even look at my direction. Don't do the Indian nod at me. Stare ahead. Ahead is beautiful. Ahead is good. Stare and gaze at the intricate patterns of the tiles ahead of you. Count the number of pixels on that tile. I don't want you to greet me and say 'How's it going' when I am in the middle of business. And no, I don't want to talk about any of the following either:
    • Weather
    • traffic
    • my previous company
    • where I stay
    • the cafeteria food
    • debugging results 
    • documentation errors
    • vacation/weekend plans
    • release dates
    • that hot female coworker you're having a secret and unholy crush on and don't have the guts to propose to, and last but not least 
    • how smart the manager looks (that shit is just sick!)
  • I see your feet. Don't shuffle your feet. I've seen men communicate morse codes through their feet. And please, no footsie. I don't want the edges of our shoes even touching each other. And perchance it does meet, I expect you to withdraw. Immediately.
  • Wait until you get to your stall to unzip. My eyes have had the terrible displeasure of seeing men burst into the toilet and unzip and flip their giggle-stick out enroute to the stall. This is a big NO just because we can't unsee some things. Also, be sure to tuck your holy poker in before you turn to leave the stall. 
  • Objects in sight are shorter than they appear. No matter what those ads (and Russel Peters) say, your candy-stick isn't getting any longer. Step up and stand closer. The effing urinal isn't going to suck the pee out of you if you stand half a kilometer away.
  • No sing-song, please. We know emptying a full bladder is more pleasurable than sex. But No jiggling. Don't shake your bum, hop on your legs, hum, or do anything other than sigh (inaudibly). The rest of us don't want to hear you relieving. Heck, if there was a way we could mute out the sound of your tinkle on the porcelain, we would have done that. But until such time, please aim for the center of the bowl and pee in complete and deathly silence. 
  • No TLC, please. If you are shaking your dingwallace more than twice, you are just playing with yourself. Period. And please don't stand there scratching yourself in glory. There isn't an even more disgusting sight than the sight of pubic hair in public urinals/sinks. Gross! But if you absolutely have to pleasure yourself, please get a room.
  • Mirror, Mirror! Men are as vainglorious as the duo in 'Selfie'. I've seen men pout, pull their collars up and take selfies. Highly unrecommended place to click dick pics (ie - pictures of thyself).
  • Go easy on the tissue paper. It's not a bath towel. I've seen men pluck tissue paper out of the dispenser like they are trying to grab some pus*y. You aren't here to shower.#FuckTheRainforest
  • Wash! There is a very strong reason why toilets have water and soaps that can mask the smell of industrial sewage. I can't tell you how many men rush in, pee, spend a good 10 seconds fondling themselves, zip up and leave. EWWWW.  So if I've seen you giving the sink a miss, there is a really good chance I've already murdered you 5 times in 6 different ways in my head. I won't shake hands with you or enter a 5-meter radius of where you sit. EVER. You are just beyond redemption!
So there you have it. It's all so simple and I'm not a fussy person. 
Tinkle in Peace!

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