Showing posts with label Bellicose Rhetoric. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bellicose Rhetoric. Show all posts

Sunday, May 19, 2013

While I was celebrating... May 2013 [1/2]

I'm nuts about May!!
I think it's because growing up, that was when my summer vacations started. And for a boy who loved getting covered in mud and the sheer thrill of adventure, May was the month.


This was also the month of some of the craziest and insaneiest things we did.
After marathons and walk-a-thons, some of us decided we needed to shag a lot and many of us used our hands and imaginations to good use in Philly. Now, to save you the trouble of searching, I've researched and found that the world record for the longest session is held by a Japanese guy who imagined his girlfriend, family, friends and co-workers to keep him stimulated for 9 hours and 58 minutes. Family?! Yew
And Porn got a healthy thumbs up too! Researchers in the Netherlands (?!) claim that porn is positive. Really?! Why don't we have studies like that in India?


In other weird news from across the planet, Jacko's problems simply refuse to die and a school in Washington closed today due to great weather.
The UN threw its weight on repealing the much maligned AFSPA in Kashmir and the North East. One of the reasons why our army will get away with this is because the huge majority of us are unaware of the atrocities the army commits in the name of peace.

Talking about peace, Americans want their government to keep their noses off Syria. The two-year long conflict has divided the Middle East and threatens the fragile peace in the region. So while most Americans are oblivious to the crisis in the Middle East, they still want to keep Modi out.



North Korea sentenced an American to 15 years hard labor, fired a few missiles and now everyone 'thinks' they could have long-range missiles that could eventually reach the great continent of North America. 

Meanwhile, America signed a deal with Australia to sell several squadrons of F-35s and modified versions of the Super Hornets. Sigh!
Now, tell me something - How can a country that fails on every infrastructure parameter manage to create nuclear submarines?


So while Uncle Sam is eager to layeth the smackdown on ruffians in their backyard, we are trying to sit pretty and pretend the Chinese incursion didn't happen. Oh, the irony! Our flag meetings and 'coercive diplomacy', or the lack of it, wasn't going to affect the Chinese outcome. They won a bloodless coup when they capitalized on the perfect time to pitch their tents in our lawn. Our paralyzed government sang its last swan song, our intelligence agencies tied itself in a knot and unlike the military leaders in countries around us, our armed forces are impotent and mere stooges of our corrupt politicians
The Chinese came, stayed for as long as they pleased and left when they wanted. All our bellicose rhetoric and empty posturing only made us look like utter buffoons. Not Mohammed Ali, Mr Foreign Minister.
Even their dailies lampooned our inaction.

The Supreme Court called the CBI, the government's parrot. While we all sighed in fake relief, the PM and his council of ministers took offense. Now, repeat after me- 'Oh Yeah!'

Israel struck out and the world looked the other way
Google touched a few raw nerves when it recognized Palestine as an independent nation and some of our text books gave Arunachal Pradesh to China. In your face, Rest of the World!

Down south, we made our political aspirants sweat it out . Eventually, we made sure we spoke (and got rewarded for it) and when the ballots were counted, the ruling party crumbled and the lesser evil rose to power. The celebrations lasted an entire week and the bubbly flowed freer than water. Alas, it is now time to walk the talk.


Meanwhile, our western neighbor got a new head and we all celebrated the novelty. Promises were made and will be broken.

It has been proven that elections can cause loose talk. The Congress-led UPA government have suddenly developed amnesia and appear to be talking utter trash. Well, seeing as how they have looted us for a decade, I think it is only fair they allow their compatriots from the other side of the fence to loot us for a few years too.


Some of us took the law into our hands when a 14 year old girl was gang-raped in LaLa Land. Not surprising because Didi wasn't really inspiring confidence in anyone with her brand of mickey mouse governance.


India isn't known for her choice of politicians, so when our honorable minister, Mr Manmohan Singh starting shuffling his feet in the mud, it was time for Mrs G to take control.


We did a Sarabjit when a Pakistani prisoner was brutally killed. India said all the right things, again. Our politicians gained political mileage and Pakistan issued a travel advisory to all its citizens traveling in India. And I thought to myself, 'so does that travel advisory also apply to their citizens who've come to kill innocent Indians too?'
Now, can we have the rest of Sarabjit, please?

While most celebrities in showbiz are reluctant to step away from the limelight, Leonardo DiCaprio announced he is taking a break while still at the top of his game. Admirable!

So it is an open secret that Apple and Samsung love to fight with each other, but Nokia said it. Switch


Like a hyena following the scent of rotting meat, Priya Rai is now set to titillate the world's largest democracy. Bring it on!


Johnson & Johnson's has struggled with many of their baby products in the US for a while, but it faced the authorities' wrath when it was using ethylene oxide - a substance used to produce industrial chemicals and to sterilize medical equipment - to kill bacteria in its baby powder and had not conducted mandatory tests to make sure there were no remaining traces in the powder. Shame!


In sporting news, Abhinav Bindra convinced the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to take its prodigal son back. And how!

The latest edition of IPL was spicier than a Chicken Tikka masala. Starting from Farah Khan's Jumpin' Japak to  the revelation of spot-fixing. Now, I bet Sreeshanth didn't see this coming when he did a Lalit Modi on twitter as IPL 6 began but I've always felt the KKR win last year was just a flash in the pan.

While Sreeshanth & Co is guilty beyond doubt, how many of you think he is just the fall guy? So that explains how he built a palatial bungalow even though he has played so little. Old man Katju, I hear is preparing his 'Pardon Sreeshanth' petition even as I write this post.

Apathy knew no bounds either. Doctors in the City of Oranges, Nagpur, refused to provide timely treatment to teenager who was 'brutally' raped by her stepdad.
Five deaf and mute orphans were raped and 2 jawans got 10 years hard labor. Simply great!

In the words of the 'Mask'.. Somebody stop me!


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

While I was gone... Part 1/3 [April 2013]

You've got to admit it - the last 10 days have been as colorful as India could be on Holi.
Journalism is a strange bed-fellow. Virile, youngish men and women burn their midnight oil to write utter garbage.
But this I say 'Journos, we are no longer shocked by anything that Indian men will and can do. Atleast not after the litany of "brutal" crimes against women since December 16, 2012. We know Indian men will do everything (in)humanly possible to any women they can lay their eyes on. We cried 'No More' and we got more'.

But I will make a difference. I will not talk about how a dozen young men forced themselves into the house of a 21 year old lady, and beat her family up. Nor will I talk about how 2 minors were confined and raped. or how a man raped his own aunt over a property issue.
But this I will say, for all you girls who were wooed by young men with raging hormones, don't break up with them or you may get kidnapped, raped, tortured and even splashed with some acid of choice. This advice is also for men who could get raped like this poor fellow.
There begins a lifetime of therapy.

While the victims are sentenced to a lifetime of shame and pain, the accused will be treated and feted by our tax rupees.
Isn't it strange how the accused always threatens the victim(s) of 'dire consequences' if reported to the police. Isn't getting abused and violated, dire consequences of being a women in itself?

More food for thought - What can men who throw acid on women possibly gain? While I won't fight for Death to rapists, I will definitely lobby death for acid-throwers. About 90% of the rapes in India happen at the spur of the moment. Not too many rapes are elaborately planned or premeditated. While this won't absolve them of their crime, killing them is far too easy a punishment. On the other hand, men who throw acid in retaliation plan their crimes in great detail. They are aware of what acid can do to human flesh and do it to put 'her in her place'. They want to destroy her. They want to 'teach her a lesson'. What lesson are we ready to teach the two unidentified men who threw acid on 4 sisters?
At the other end of the spectrum, a brave victim at Patna delivered justice to her rapist. While I laud her courage and determination to do this, I wouldn't want the people to take the law in their hands. An eye for an eye will only make the world blind. We need to resuscitate our justice system and we shouldn't rest until she is up.

Last year, couple of legislators with plenty of time on their hands decided to check out mankind's best reason to use the internet, and the nation erupted. While the country has been strangely bereft of any sex scandals (of the consensual, non-violent kind) one young BJP legislator in the southern State of Karnataka decided to end the drought of no sex. While I haven't seen the hidden sex video yet, I wouldn't hold my breath either. Naked hairy Indian men are no fun to watch.

Last month, it was Cadbury. This time, it was Nokia. Looks like our IT dept just put up the 'Hunting Season' boards.


In 'End of the World' news, North Korea rattled with rhetoric. Russia and China, one time allies of the war-torn economy, warned the West against pushing Korea's buttons. The strange thing about rhetoric like this neither the US nor the Koreans will survive a full blown nuclear war. Korea can move their missiles any bloody way they please, but the truth is no one likes the barrel of the gun pointing at them.

Over the course of the last 10 days, it has shut down its only link with the South and has forced foreign embassies out. Did someone say Chernobyl? Gee! You think so! 

The pattern is evident.
The Americans who are daring the Koreans to fire the first missile have themselves invaded and devastated economies when it profited them. Case in point- Iraq, Afghanistan. No one found any evidence of the 'weapons of mass destruction'. Instead what they left behind was an economy in tatters. Am amazed at how the Americans now think that only the Koreans are engaged in bellicose rhetoric yet have indulged in plenty of bellicose rhetoric themselves. No ones the wiser.
The North Koreans have, on the other hand, had cozy alliances with countries that have been selling nukes for the right price. For all that we know, the Koreans may have a missile that could wipe off South Korea, Japan and the East Coast but lets hope the 'experts' are right when they say 'the Koreans can't possibly have nukes or the weapon systems'.

Financially and otherwise, a war between the two could suck the whole world in. For the Americans, this could be Vietnam 2.0 and for the rest of us - the end of human civilization as we know it. The Koreans aren't exactly looking at winning this war, but to just prove a point. What surprises me is not how the North has been behaving but how US has been cornering them. Despite their treaties, the Americans and the South Koreans have been taunting them with war exercises in the years since. The war cries don't seem to die and I have the funny feeling that we are headed towards the plunging end of a waterfall. Any last wishes?

The Indian Army announced an 'ambitious' programme to upgrade its entire fleet of 2000 infantry combat vehicles plus equipment. Rough 'back of the envelope' calculations brings the cost of such a massive upgrade to a couple of trillion greenbacks. Russians, Europeans and the Americans can now wipe the drool of their chins. Here comes another gazillion dollar scandal.
Maybe we should have privatized our Army and let our companies equip them. Atleast that's how our young IT companies have been arming our Maoists. Do the people who run these companies have any conscience?

The desi version of CIA, NIA announced with much fanfare that it was going to probe and punish the Italian marines. Italy twitched. I can almost hear the phones ringing at #7 Race Course. Sonia, where's your patriotic duty?!

Cyprus is sinking, but in a glimmer of rare hope thousands of prisoners donated their savings to help keep a voluntary clinic open.

Our lawmakers can probably take a clue or two from Washington when it put 2 fifth graders on trial for a foiled attempt in raping and killing a female classmate. They stand trial as juveniles. No ugly marches, no candle-light vigils and no 'castrate/hang the bastards' placards. What divides us from US, is how they trust the law to take its course.

India switched itself to Poll Mode, with BJP and Congress announcing their lists of candidates. In the next couple of weeks and months, we will get to hear of liberal dollops of freebies in the Indian version of the 'Joy of Giving'.
After his hectic 'Free Sanju' campaign Katju, helpfully pointed out how 90% of Indians vote on caste lines, like cattle and sheep. Well, what's wrong with cattle and sheep? Don't we travel cattle-class already?

Kerala, God's Own Country, continued to be in the spotlight after one of its more colorful State Minister was charged of domestic abuse, adultery and everything that his wife could possibly think of. What followed provided fodder for an entire society that has been fed on sleazy soap opera dramas.

While we are allowed to watch Sex and the City, watch what you tweet. Your David Dhawanisque joke could land you on your butt.

Big blow for big Pharma. Indians can now afford to get cancer after the country's apex court struck down a lengthy patent battle for Novartis AG's cancer drug Glivec

Uncle Sam wasn't happy about this.
Pope washed the sinner's feet, and raised the eyebrows of conservatives and orthodox Catholics around the world. 
Malya came, he tried, he lost. The flamboyant liquor baron lost another battle to stop his creditors from selling his crown jewels.
While our economy is in doldrums, we can rest assured that our apex bank is secure. A Keralite was arrested and detained for trying to enter the Reserve Bank of India. All this for publicity. What a Loser! Doesn't he know Poonam at all?

Yesteryear actress and all-round hottie Manisha Koirala is still the really beautiful lady that she was. She is back! No catchphrases, no ads, no tacky wristbands. Only sheer grit and determination. You go girl!


So while Mrs Koirala has been finding work and doing better, another Bollywood actor has been bed-ridden and forgotten. May we beg of your largesse here, please?
In other Bollywood news, Sanjay Dutt had a change of mind after his tearful PR exercise and filed a review petition. Bollywood and even a former Supreme Court justice threw their collective weight around the 'Free Sanjay' circus trailer.

I want you all to take a good long look at this- This is what ails India.
In a country that has been plagued with terrorism since its Independence, when its highest legal authority passes a verdict that is beyond review, what makes influential people think they can campaign for freedom and arm-twist the government (and the court) to reverse it? Is the justice system different for the common man and for those in the limelight? Dutt deserves to go to prison if for what he has done. Lesser mortals are thrown into prison for lesser crimes. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse. Not for me, not for you, definitely not for Mr Dutt.

India's poster boy for Boxing faced the music and had to give some of his hair and blood samples.  People in sport denying doping allegations are becoming old. I think we need sportspeople who will dope and then admit it. That would be something new and refreshing. See, in about a few years from now, Vijender will fail a dope test and then admit taking drugs. So why not save us all the drama, confess and join Bollywood.

Bad news for criminals starting this year.. our President, Judge and Executioner in Chief Mr Pranab Mukherjee had a busy day signing, and we all got a new Criminal law. So, unless you really want to live in prison for a long time, either get into politics or get a new career. And oh yeah. Stop whipping your d*ck out because he also signed a new anti-rape law.

For Obama, From Australia. With Love.


So until I'm back with more wonderful news of the incredible times we live in, here's some pearls of wisdom:
Women- Please electrify your undies.
Indian Men- err.. Nevermind.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...