Showing posts with label Dawood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dawood. Show all posts

Thursday, August 07, 2014

And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in July Twenty14... [Part Two]

Guess who's getting lucky? Thats right, at Rs 8 lakhs a night, estranged wife of Hrithik
Roshan, designer Sussanne Khan demanded Rs 400 crores ($ 654 million) as alimony.
With the way vegetable prices have been soaring, I am pretty sure she needs that kind of money to survive.

iPhone wannabe Chinese smartphone Xioami stormed the Indian marketplace and took a flipkart. Sold Out!
From humble beginnings as a startup in Bangalore, Flipkart has come a long way. Now based out of Singapore, it got $ 1 billion in additional funding. The very next day, Amazon announced it is pumping in $ 2 billion into its etail business in India. Sure, etail is still in its infancy here but have they bitten off more than they can chew?

In more aviation news, there were some more close shaves and near misses. Good year for Nat Geo 'Air Crash Investigation'.
Call it superstition or a lame attempt to reinvent itself, after a spate of high profile disasters Malaysia Airlines will now rechristen itself and seek new investors. 
In other disaster news, a massive landslide buried an entire village and if it wasn't for an alert bus driver, we would have been digging out corpses by now. The culprit? Rampant deforestation and soil erosion. Sadly none of this will shock any of us any more.

Afghanistan accused Pakistan of stoking violence. Who knew?!
ISIS hoisted its flag in Kashmir. Great! Another butt to kick.
Boko Haram tied up with Dawood Ibrahim and made good logistics sense.
A Japanese girl in Tokyo was arrested after she killed and fed on her classmate. Brings more meaning to the term - Peer Bonding.

Jane Goodall, known for her decades long work amongst chimps and great apes, predicted the apes will go extinct if we continue to poach and encroach. 

On the heels of the 'emotional contagion' experiment FB did on its users, OKCupid tweaked it's users data and preferences to test how potential partners would react. There goes my faith in the system.
And cementing my belief in the obvious, a research showed that the longer you remain on FB, the more depressed you get. Finally!!!

'Vijay Malya is an accidental defaulter and not a willful defaulter' Sayeth UCO, one of the bank who lend his now-defunct airline 1000s of crores as loan. 
Air India had an eventful month this month, when it launched flights on the Delhi-Moscow route for the first time in 15 years. 

VR Bhat, a freelance writer and a self-proclaimed RSS worker was sued for slandering a woman on FB. Quote UnQuote 'Women against Sanatana Dharma must be raped', he is the kind of scum that we don't need.
Dozens of factories that dumped their sewage in to the Ganges were ordered to be shut down. The first step towards cleaning up Hinduism's holiest river.

The Costa Concordia was finally towed away for dismantling and further east, children who survived the South Korean ferry crash testified against the captain and crew of the ferry.

In 'Weird enough to be News' news, 
  • An uptown bar in London conducted a pheromone party where participants could find their partner by sniffing 3 day old sweaty tee-shirts. No big deal. Indians in India have the pheromone parties every morning and evening when they use public transportation.
  • A Brazilian artist made dresses out of unused condoms. Thank God he chose the unused condoms!
  • After killing off Archie, the upcoming 26th season of the animation series Simpsons will see a major character being 'killed off'.
  • Bill Clinton got punked! By Indian government officials. The officials masqueraded a student from a better school as a child of the government school in Uttar Pradesh that his foundation supports. 
  • An Austrian priest was furious after he found out his church was used as a location for a porn film. The things pastors have to go through for us!
  • Want to have a threesome? Download 3nder, an app that allows you to locate that eager beaver for your romp. 
  • After kicking out every major business in the last few years, Mamatadi has gone to Singapore to convince industrialists to open shop in Bengal. Ha Ha!
  • Sikh basketball players where thrown out of the FIBA championship in China. Somehow the Chinese still manage to rub us the wrong way every now and then, huh?
  • Locally known as 'End of the World', a giant crater in the middle of nowhere in Siberia baffled scientists. Maybe the Americans could search for oil there but I digress.
Papa Mulayam poured out some ancient wisdom. Rapes are no big deal, until it strikes a lady in your family.

Honda fresh after the box-office hits of its City and Amaze introduced the Mobilio. Considering how slick Honda has always been with their product promotions, this could give Toyota, Maruti and Tata a run for their money. 
On the other end of the price spectrum, Porsche announced the launch of their luxury SUV - the Macan at Rs 1.11 crores. Sussanne, you can buy it.

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section, 
South African writer and winner of the 1991 Nobel Prize for Literature Nadine Gordimer passed away. 

In truly incredible news of selfless love, a Muslim husband in Uttar Pradesh donated his kidney to his wife. Against the wishes of his parents. 

Guess who is giving the Pride of our Nation, Sunny Leone, sleepless nights? No, not who you thought, but I like the way you think
Its Dana Vana. Like a moth to a flame, phirangis are drawn to Bollywood. 

Watch out for Ebola. Without a vaccine or a cure in sight, this virus has always been the most potent immunodeficient viruses in the world now. With a mortality rate of almost 90%, this is one virus that can become a epidemic really fast. Read more about the virus here.


Ok ladies, have you ever envied how we men can pee standing up? Do you dread using those crusted discolored Indian toilets? Well, worry no more. Introducing Pee-buddy. An unique use  and throw contraption that will help women pee standing up. 
Next Week: How to fart like a man.

Meanwhile, Harley Davidson decided to outsource production of all its bikes to India. The last frontier!

And in good news to those who remember their vehicle's mileage better than their partner's birthdays, Petrol will be less dearer by Rs 1.09/litre.

India's Foreign Minister, Sushma Swaraj, told the US Secretary of State John Kerry that we won't tolerate any more snooping. Maybe we should ask Snowden for more help

Adieus Good People of the World! See you all next month.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 1 of 3]

The past week, politicians felt foolish.
I said 'Go with the feeling'.

A 22 year old JNU student did a Freddy Krueger and killed himself. And that's how urban legends are born, thank you.

And it looks like one of my wishes came true! Smarting from the accounting frauds at Satyam a few years ago, the government finally signed into law The Companies Act, 2012, which makes it mandatory for companies among other things to be involved in Corporate CSR. Now, the real work should be in the details. The Act should specify who and what could be the benefactors of this largesse.

If you thought you've achieved everything in life after you've settled into that expensive new home that you will be slogging your butts off to pay the mortgages for the next 20 years, think again. This family left their home and returned to find a pile of rubble. No earthquake this. All in a day's work for land sharks and petty politicians.

Snowden settled into Russia. O said Snowden is no patriot and cancelled his meeting with Putin. How mature!
Okay, so he promised more transparency into such surveillance, but that was not what he originally said, was it? By defending his government's classified programs to monitor people and their communications, he has inadvertently eroded much of the goodwill and trust that his people and his allies had on his country. The truth could be that common Americans are either too terrified or too busy to bother. But let's face it - 20 years after the Cold War, Russia is still that speck in Uncle Sam's eye.

Iran got a new puppet. While Mr Rouhani has a lot on his plate, one thing is sure - Its all uphill from here.

Indians (the ones who didn't have much else to fight about) still fought over Durga like a bunch of hyenas. She got the support from her fellow bureaucrats.The SC spoke. Mrs G put in a word. But I think this is ironic on so many levels mainly because she is named after a Hindu goddess. Brush aside all the noise, it is clear to see how all of this is just a diversionary tactic, a sleight of hand that will cover up other scams  that happen. Khemka, anyone?

Doctors revolted. For a profession that promises to serve selflessly, I am surprised why we are even allowing them to protest.

A few years ago, when I was flying to Srilanka, a co-passenger next to me was filling up the transit form when he had to mention which port he was going to disembark at. He paused for a few seconds, and then wrote 'Airport'. Well, obviously he didn't expect to land at a seaport, or was he just referring to some of our Indian airports that become flooded? After Delhi, it was Kochi.

While some of Micromax's ads peddle the Canvas smartphones, the owners of the company are living the credo when they were caught bribing. Say it with me, folks - You Can Do Anything!

For better or worse, Yahoo has decided to shed its skin. Maybe they should set they inflated egos aside and sell themselves to Microsoft already.

And in the main byte of the week, Indian soldiers got ambushed and killed (yet again) by terrorists and men in Pakistani army clothes (WOW!).
India: 'This is unacceptable'. Pakistan shuddered.
Our Defense Minister suffered from verbal diarrhea and ended up with more spoiled fish-moilee curry than he could've imagined. The Opposition pounced on shortie like NFL players trying to block the touchdown. Antony ate humble pie. Apology accepted and everyone went home a happy man.
To the question- When are we going to grow some balls and retaliate, the answer is - When hell freezes over and decides to ban chicken tikka masala from its menu.

Our politicians are intellectually and politically impotent to strike when the iron is hot. And I have a theory (albeit a borrowed one) about why -
When a country like ours (nuclear armed yada yada) strikes first, it loses its morality and pity factor. Unlike the US, no matter how right we are we are too scared to be 'in the bad books'. Instead what we love doing is wait for our neighbors to strike us and strike us hard so that we can enjoy the outpouring of support, both financially and logistically, that our NRIs and the West are known for. Surely, a first strike will hurt but the rush of support that we will end up getting is something that our neighbors are wary of.
So as long as Pakistan fires a few thousand shells, kills a couple of soldiers here and there and doesn't wipe the Deccan Plateau clean, they know it will be okay with us.

But just in case you were wallowing in self-pity and remorse, Mr PM reminded us that we are one of 6 countries in the world that is capable of destroying other countries. Enter INS Arihant. Mr Singh finished his quota of words for the month of August and shall not speak until September. Theek Hai.

'Dawood Ibrahim is not in Pakistan'. Yeah, and I suck at English.
Hafiz Saeed wished India Eid Mubbarak in his special little way. We shuddered. Now, imagine if he actually comes marching towards Delhi.

Bad year for the Kardhashians? Actually not. Any news is good news for a lady (and siblings) whose only claim to fame is a 'leaked' sex tape and 'made for TV' marriage.

Buy your Samsung Galaxy phones while they are still around. Judging by the way, Apple has been hunting Samsung down, I think we are heading towards Armageddon. Or you could simply switch.

Chennai Express.
Couple of things are clear-
SRK is on his way out. And how!
Deepika really needed the money because I don't know why else she would still be acting.
And the makers of this movie might have really hated the pair. In the 2 plus hours that you are trapped in the theater, you are wondering what atrocity SRK and Deepika could have done to Rohit Shetty and Co. that he deliberately wanted to screw them both. And they actually smiled through the promotions?!
Deepika, let me give you the same sane advice I gave Ms Leone. Get into an acting class. Date a rising star and get married. Stop acting. It isn't working for us.
If we ever had anything like the Razzies, Chennai Express would sweep all the categories unanimously. Absolute and Total Trash. Avoid it like the bubonic plague.

Salman K became the most searched celebrity online. Take that, Poonam Pandhey.
Paying tribute to our ideals of beauty and wanton materialism, we crowned the best dressed celebrities. Take a bow!

And here's something else to chew on- Our national bird, CBI didn't break free and for good reason. Hindi is not our national language and Hockey is not our national game. Aren't we great!

'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro'  - Hunter S. Thompson.


Wednesday, October 03, 2012

The greener grass [277/365]

If there is one thing in common that we share with our western neighbor, it is our love for beautiful women.
Many years ago, they asked for Madhuri Dixit in exchange for J&K. We said 'No Way, Jose'.
Then we asked for Dawood Ibrahim. 'Take a hike' we were told.
The score was tied.
And then few months ago, we let them have Sania and they let us have Veena Malik. The Paki's thought they struck gold. Or bronze. We made them believe that we were loosing our national asset (no pun intended). But the joke was on them. Sania has actually never won any tournaments worth mentioning on her own, so we didn't really mind the barter.
By the time they realised they had a lemon in their hands, it was too late. Veena had already flashed her cleavage and won legions of Indian male fans. Sania flashed some of her thunder thighs in consolation. Goods once sold cannot be exchanged.  

Ha Ha!

Politically however, the game was tilted in their favor.
We have our uncouth Mamata Di and size 22 Amma and they had the luscious Hina Rabanni. Damn

We drooled uncontrollably every time Hina clicked her Jimmy Choos or adjusted her Gucci clutch during her maiden Indian visit.
She ramp-walked her way into our hearts and open arms. Suddenly many Indians regretted not having closer ties with Pakistan. We all swooned in unison.
A successful businesswoman, economist and capable diplomat Hina makes being a foreign minister look effortless and stylish. Secretly we all wished if we could swap our Mayawati and Didi for a Hina. We were in love.

So when rumors of Hina in love with Benazir's son broke out, Indian men everywhere gasped. We lapped up stories of her romance with Bilawal Bhutto Zardari. The cards and the secret meetings were stuff of Bollywood movies. She was the most (and probably the only) beautiful Pakistani politician and he was the handsome prince. She was both rich and successful and he the sole heir of Benazir's unaccounted loot. They plan to retire from politics and settle down in Switzerland, which would make sense since it would be closer to the banks where her late mother-in-law stashed her billions. I think that is a pretty sound plan for the future.

Her current husband is still in denial. As a matter of fact, someone should tell him that this is a process.
Her future father-in-law is furious. No surprise there!

So does this mean we will probably never get to see our beautiful Hina again? Actually, no. Seeing how wonderfully talented European paparazzo are in taking photographs of nude celebs, we should be seeing a lot more of Hina and in about 15 years, she will be back in Pakistan fighting elections. 


The moral of the story: There will be everlasting peace in the subcontinent if all Pakistani politicians would be women as hot as Hina and Veena.
In the meanwhile, we hear more Pakistanis are buying OralB toothbrushes now.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Osama- the guy everyone loved to hate

It is said that you will remember where you were and what you'd been doing when you hear the news of an important event in your life.
Ten years ago, I was at a garage, with a friend of mine, when I first heard about the 9/11. He had a son who lived very close to the WTC in NY. I remember the grief when he couldn't reach him for many days after that.
I was still an undergraduate then. I then witnessed unparalleled aggression and then suddenly all everyone was ever talking about was Global Terrorism and Al Qaeda.
When I joined AOL, then an epitome of American capitalistic excellence, I was seething with anger over how America was policing the world. I remember asking my interviewer on what he thought of America now that it is trying to invade other countries. He didn't say much.

I've worked in four companies since, seen many anniversaries of the 9/11, we've heard the theories behind 9/11 and a change of guard at the Capitol Hill.
Last Sunday, I'll again remember where I was when Obama announced the death of Osama (aka Usama Bin Laden), or the Most Wanted man in the planet.
In what can be described as a pivotal moment in history, I can almost smell how this going to set the stage for a fresh spate of tragedy on people who 'deserved' it only because they were Americans or Arabs.

Dissecting the murder, death, kill of the guy the world grew to hate, the world will continue to ruminate over what led to the death of the man, and will chew over all the juicy details of everything like his sex life to what his servants ate for many months to come. 
The American president will have something to pat himself on his back and the American public; an unknown fear of reprisal.

Rumors abounded in the Internet that this was not the real Osama. Rumours that Obama and Al Qaeda laid to rest when they announced that the big O was indeed dead.
Hurray!
But it is wondrous how the most powerful country in the world spent $1.4 trillion in catching one man. And mind you, all this is money that you and I have contributed in some way or the other.
It is wondrous how the world's most wanted guy lived in relative peace and great health in a modestly furnished yet sprawling mansion securely guarded by the American watchdog.
It is wonderful how Obama went ahead with a decision that could've cost him his presidency.

While Pakistan has got itself a new sobriquet ; 'Terroristan', I pity the fate of ordinary hard working Pakistanis the world over. Already the unfortunate victim of most racist attacks in the many parts of the civilized world, I gather they will stand apart as a sore thumb for a very long time to come.
Even ordinary citizens who I've spoken with, now swear by the double standards and the sheer amount of lies that the government espoused. These are truly horrendous times for anyone from that country. I liken this situation to that of a dishonest teenager who is known to be a lier but is far too delicate to be bullied and tries hard to portray an image of honesty by supporting your cause, and then suddenly his cover is blown by irrefutable proof. Wham! I can't imagine living with the shame.
Though there is no good news in a country like Pakistan, this is certainly horrible news for its leaders. Hurtling as it is towards being a failed society, its time Pakistan or at-least the people in power come out of the cleaners and redeem itself. My parents have always taught me that of all the things you earn in your life, earn respect and a good name.
Respect, good name and integrity are things that once lost/broken are impossible to rebuilt.

But I guess with a generation that has a short attention span, Pakistan only needs to wait for a few weeks before the world latches on to its next big news/scandal/tragedy. Nuclear holocaust in Japan but whats breaking news about it, right?

Abbottabad can go back to its idyllic and peaceful living and Dawood can perhaps move back to his mansion in Pakistan.

Mr O, has propelled himself on the popularity charts, but must keep pulling out the rabbits from the hat, because the elections are still a year away and voter euphoria will soon die and their attention will fall on the thousand domestic issues that plague its cathartic economy.

But until then, controversies will reign on how much the Pakistanis knew.
They will deny everything that the US will pile on them, and will cry short of blue murder.
Pakistan and its rag tag bunch of crony countries will decry the American's unilateral Geronimo operation in a garrison city of Pakistan. They will even demand that the US apologise for having done what it did. The US will pooh pah all of the demands with a flourish.
Arab Extremists will accuse Pakistanis of the death of Bin Laden because of the fact that Americans were able to conduct such an operation only because it gave the US permission to use its bases and its airspace. Of course the Pakistanis will on their part deny this until their face is blue. But the fact remains that Pakistani leaders or whoever it is that controls its government deserves all that is coming to them, simply because of the complicity at which Bin Laden could stay in one of its cantonment towns, barely 60 miles from its capital. How can you not know who stays at the largest house in town?
Americans on their part have only inflicted wounds that will start paining in a few months, once the adrenalin rush is over. Little did they realize that they are the mirror image of they enemy they were professing to fight, when they celebrated the death of Bin Laden. Woe to America. Your celebrations should've been measured and sensitive.

Must American taxpayers still support Pakistan with billions in aid even after the pathological lier has been revealed? There will be dozen of debates on this but those who are emotional will always argue that it must stop, however the far sighted will agree that the US will need to maintain a close relationship with a country that cannot be dispensed with simply because of the amount of poison it can inject into the world. It after all pays to keep a close watch over the thief.

For the world, his death was the end of a saga that might have been a welcome relief to a person who could've lived a much better life but ended up as a virtual prisoner of his own ideology.
This could be the beginning of a new era in world history. One that will seek revenge in an endless cycle of bloodshed and unprecedented unrest.
The proverbial calm before the storm. I can almost sense the feverish pitch of succession within the Al Qaeda. Whoever comes next will have a god to worship, a death to avenge and his own agenda. Evil only begets evil.

But was he really that evil?
I don't think so. Sure, he did kill a lot of people. But so did a tyrant in Iraq. Not many remember him now. He was taken off the list a long while ago. His name is Saddam Hussein. He along with his psychotic sons captured, tortured and raped at will. Plundered two nations and several generations of people. What he did still affects me in more ways than one, just because I've lived through the Gulf War of 1990. The gruesome pictures and stories of how he took pleasure at torturing innocent civilians should have been enough for any person of conscience to hunt him down most brutally. But nay.
The US of A couldn't find him or hunt him down for over three decades only because he never killed a single American in America. Infact he served their purpose, in that the US was able to establish their unique brand of 'fear factor' politics on the oil rich countries of Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain and Dubai. I doubt if the Americans really had an agenda to kill Saddam or we would've been saved from so much trauma two decades ago.

But we are not talking about Saddam now, are we? He was just a pawn. Forgotten.
Hitting closer home, many argue India must strike and avenge Pakistan for 'sheltering' Dawood and like scum who has killed thousands like so many rats.
Fortunately, Pakistan has a neighbor who neither has the political will nor the military strategy to strike the way Uncle Sam has done. Pakistan should be grateful that we are inept and impotent.

The death of Mr O on the other hand is the end of an era of journalism that focused on him, and the awesome fear that a mere mention of his name held within the western world. He made a lot of writers really rich!
 
But what's really funny (bordering on the amusing) is the fact that Pakistan feels its modesty/sovereignty has been outraged.
It is so LOL funny that they have demanded that (or rather expected) the Americans to apologize for their unilateral action.
It is just beyond me on how they can even deliver an ultimatum warning that if Americans do an 'Abbottabad' again, they will 'review' ties and maybe even sever them.
And I was rolling on the floor laughing when Pakistan ordered Americans to reduce their troops in Pakistan.


"Listen Rascalas. You need us more than we need you, so you better behave or we're going to bomb you so bad that even Google won't find you"


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