Showing posts with label Deepika Padukone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Deepika Padukone. Show all posts

Saturday, April 04, 2015

As you liked it: Feb/Mar 2015

Over the last couple of months, the sheen has begun to fade off Mr Narendra 'Ironman' Modi. 

Rumblings of a defeat began when they lost Uttar Pradesh. Ofcourse, like the well-oiled PR machine that the BJP has metamorphosed into, the upper crust at BJP claimed the loss didn't really matter and the real test was J&K and Delhi. And so they got just about pass marks in J&K and snubbed so badly in Delhi that Modi is still smarting from his loss. And

what does Modi do when he is down? Well, the same thing that most of us do when we are depressed and need a break - Travel! And boy did he travel! He's spent close to ₹ 380 crores ($ 70 mil) in just 10 months. 

From promising to being a party with accountability and transparency, the swift and ruthless way he and loyalists within the party threw Bhushan and  Yadav is familiar territory for the Indian electorate. Arvind Kejriwal, has become the one-trick pony that most Indian politicians are. From Jayalalitha to Mamata B, feeding the electoral masses with lofty promises of free electricity, water and everything else has become the single best way to get to power and then remain there. And if you don't get to deliver them, you can always blame the opposition and dissidents for err.. well opposing. For Kejriwal (and Modi), life has come full circle. 


How dare Obama talk to us about religious tolerance? We are very tolerant towards Hindus and we love to flaunt that. Unlike in the US, where the government thinks it is against the law to even mention Jesus Christ or anything Christian or where Hindus and Muslims are discriminated against. 

Obama, the Holy Bible says 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Amen to that.

About a year ago, when we were still a Congress-run establishment, I had spoken of how a BJP win will embolden a bunch of idiots to saffronise or otherwise claim India is a Hindu nationPrediction fulfilled. I think we need to pay for some history lessons here. It is a

terrible terrible thing when politicians dip their fingers and draw lines based on religion and I can't think of a single instance of when dividing a country based on religion has turned out to be a great thing for its people.

But then, we do have some good news  - Like school principals who publish monthly lists of errant students who didn't pay fees, the BJP published yet another list of Indians (and their companies) who stashed away their billions into tax-havens abroad. Before you go checking if your name is on the list or not, relax. By the time you read this, the taxman would have already spoken to your over-paid Auditor and you can pay a nominal million or so to grease the government's palms and legalize this stash. Why the Congress didn't think of this before beats me! 

But if you don't want to pay this 'fine', fine! Allow me to point the sorry case of Mr Sahara to you. 

In other desi Defense news, let's cheer as we fit the newly designed Barak 8 long-range missiles to our destroyers (warships). Designed to track and destroy anti-ship missiles while it is still 70 kms away. As always, Pakistan and China aren't comfortable with this.


And the government ordered a probe against the Coast Guard DIG for claiming to have blown off the Pakistani boat that was intercepted a few weeks ago. #ShootTheMessenger


Our favorite Twiterrati and Mr United Nations guy, Shashi Tharoor got the midnight knock from the coppers. Big Effing Deal! Another palm to be greased and a few more news-reels later, he will walk out of this smelling like roses. Fast-forward a year and he will be walking down the aisle again. Incredible like that!

Goan minister told nurses who were taking part in a strike to be mindful of the darkening effects of the sun. Hell ya! Maybe he should be handing out Garnier sun blocks too.


As much as we love to ban stuff, we are equally allergic to admitting to our own failures. So while Modi has been promoting 'his' Gujarat to the world, perhaps he must also tell the world that there is an epidemic-like situation in the wake of rapid spread of swine flu. The 350+ who have died may have got their ₹ 5000 in compensation (aka the cost to buy their silence) but this is just the kind of apathy that we are famous for.


If you are one of those with deep pockets, a burning desire to see your name in the media and an itching urge to own the now 'infamous' suit that our benevolent 'outsider' PM wore on the Republic day parade, then you could bid and buy it. Being auctioned for charity, this gets our PM valuable brownie points and he will be hoping this will shut the mouth of his critics.


Our former Prime Minister Mr Manmohan 'Theek Hai' Singh got some reprieve when the Supreme Court stayed the government's summons to testify on a Coal Block allocation scam. I can't believe Mr Singh is innocent as much as I can believe he knows how to be assertive.


Modi accomplished yet another coup de maĆ®tre when Sri Lanka signed a nuke deal with India, snubbing China.


In an annual tradition of arresting and then releasing fishermen, Pakistan repatriated 173 Indian prisoners. Hey Pakistan! How about not arresting them in the first place?!

And so, we had 'India's Daughter'. A documentary that looks at how our men are raping women and the system that shields the wrong side.
We shouldn't really have banned the documentary. We should have shown it for free, heck we should have made it mandatory for all channels to show it. That way, we could have seen how shoddy the documentary really was. That way, we could have had a rare glimpse into the depraved mind of a rapist. But No!
We went ahead and banned it. Brilliant! The makers of the documentary couldn't have asked for a better way to advertise it. BBC laughed its way to the bank and millions saw the documentary anyway. Chutzpah!

But that didn't stop or deter our men from raping our daughters. 

Take the instance of a girl who was raped and killed in Rohtak. Her half-eaten corpse was found scavenged by nature after man satisfied his sexual urges.
Or the instance where an elderly nun was gang-raped by men within the confines of her convent.

The arm-chair activists and candle-wielding warriors did a retrospect and realised we failed our women. Gee, you think so?!

The others decided to take the law into their own hands. 

Example 1: A mob of thousands dragged an alleged rapist from his prison cell, beat the shit out of him and paraded his naked torn body through the street in Nagaland. Fist bump yeah! Let's all celebrate over champagne at our new found sense of outrage towards men who victimize the women in our country. This from the land where we saw a teenager whose clothes were ripped off her body under the lights of a dozen cellphones. #MisplacedRage
Example 2: A random group of women practice martial arts and self defense and armed with sticks and spirit will protect women in Delhi. Yes, this is exactly what we need. Desi 'Charlie's Angels' and women vigilante groups to protect the rest of us. 

Abroad, the ISIS continues to outsmart and outwit the smartbombs and unusually smart West. Be-headings and burning continue. Amidst all of this, the West's romance with naming random terrorists (and people it doesn't like) continue. We continue to obsess about 'Jihadi John' while thousands are being displaced and hundreds being killed. Which makes me wonder  - No one is really talking about how the West is producing more jihadis. Not so long time ago, the US (and its stooge across the Atlantic) were feeding us with tall tales of how countries like Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan are breeding grounds for terrorists.
Well, Uncle Sam, so is the Great Kingdom of The Queen and The United States of America! 
Dissent, it seems, starts closer home. 

Another round of plane crashes for you. It might seem like we are having a lot more plane crashes than a few years ago, but I think its just a sign of our times. We are better connected, yet less secure.
 

We had one Thai pilot who saves the lives of hundreds when he crashed his crippled TransAsia plane into a river and another who deliberately killed hundreds abroad when he crashed his Germanwings aircraft into the French Alps. Lufthansa won't have it easy in the months to come. 


In this month's Hypocrite Ahoy!
As is customary for armchair activists nowadays, they created online petitions and hashtags to 'fight for justice'. 

Thousands of people took to the streets and vandalized government property when a popular IAS officer was found hanging in his apartment complex in Bangalore. Noble! #DKRavi

An American policeman who brutally attacked and left an Indian man, who was visiting his son in the US, found kinship and we all raised our candles and voices against racism. Great!

Calling all hypocrites: Spare a hash-tag for Chandrabose too. The middle-aged security guard who was run over and brutally killed in broad daylight, details of which will make Salman Khan blush and Uday Hussein gush with pride. 
The culprit: Beedi tycoon and multi-millionaire Muhammed Nisham
The reason: The guard took a little longer to open the gates to let him in. Apparently, Mr Nisham is no stranger to breaking the law. He has a dozen or more cases against him in Kerala and Karnataka. His last high-profile brush with the law involved when he let his 9 year old son take the family Ferrari and Range Rover out for a spin. The foolhardy bastard and proud papa that he is, he shot and uploaded a video of this outing online and bang! All outrage and nothing else happened. This case is just another bug in the windshield that is Nisham's life. It's going to take a couple of lakhs but he (like most other Indians in his league) will come out of this smelling fresh, sporting a salt and pepper beard. Easy Queasy.

We, probably are the biggest hypocrites in the planet because we think our Muslims are 'Pakistanis', North East Indians are 'chinkies', South Indians 'Madrasis' and our North Indians 'Biharis'. But when a German professor thinks all Indian men are rapists, all I hear is 'How could they do this to us?'

In this month's DILLIGAF section,
  • A WhatsApp picture of a male student lying on the laps of 4 other girl students got the college and the students into hot sambar. Apparently, the moral brigade's spidey sense was sent tingling and they didn't leave a stone unturned in pounding sense into everyone around. 
  • Meanwhile a video of a nude woman dancing atop a desk in a police station in Paraguay sparked calls for an investigation. See, if this was in Bangalore / Kerala / Mumbai / Kolkata or Anywhere else in North India, the moral brigade would have burned that district out of the map
  • But if you are a woman in Saudi Arabia, here's another thing you should be careful about: Don't let your steam off on WhatsApp. It could land you trouble like this young lady discovered.
  • We had Rakhi Sawant declaring her undying love for Virat Kohli. This is called Optimism. I think she stands a better chance with Bobby Darling. Now that is a match made in heaven. She is a certified nut-job and Bobby Darling, well is,  Bobby Darling.
  • After winning yet another term into office, Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu got a stern yet sugar-coated threat from Uncle Sam. 
  • A hidden cam in a clothing store landed Fab India in fab trouble, after Union HRD minister Irani Smriti discovered the camera in a ladies trial room. Ms Smriti, we understand you are outraged but this isn't new. Google for hidden camera MMS and you'll be inundated with videos of women who have been recorded changing their clothes, having sex, answering nature's call and every possible act that a voyeur could ask for. If you really want to rid the society of this scourge, then delve into the reasons why men do this in millions of stores/homes and workplaces.  Or you could say DILLIGAF.
  • And if you are a Hindu mother, and you thought BJP MP Sakshi Maharaj was right when he said you should achieve your quota of producing 4 children each, then relax. RSS pipsqueak Mohan Bhagwat has rebuffed the order. You can continue to produce as many as you want. If you ask me, our Hindu leaders are secretly envious of Muslim families that believe in large families, but they won't be caught dead admitting it. Hypocrisy, anyone?
  • We want western tourists to come and spend their dollars and rubles here. But don't party. And if you party, we will pull out our camcorders and record you for our personal titillation. Incredible India!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the super-rich 'Crusaders of Christ'.

Saving the best for last, 

Indian Cricket - Ah yes, that one sport our quasi-sporting nation encourages, embraces and worships. With the Cricket World Cup that had about a dozen teams battled out. Yes, I'll call it a battle even though it resembled more like a bully storming through some scrawny kids in a playground.
The Indian team, decided to stay back in Australia after a disastrous tour there. Good point. No reason to come to India after a debacle like that, right? And so they went into the tournament as former Champions and current under-dogs (read Write-Offs). They play a few matches against low-rung teams like Pakistan and such and win! That's right! They won! They really did win! Hurray! And they reach the semi-finals and that's where they meet the only team that really mattered  - Australia. Well by now we, loyal Indian cricket fans, have all but forgotten the disastrous India Tour of Australia 2014-15 and decided to book the entire stadium in Sydney. Yes, because we are that forgiving! 
India stood still. Not a single patriotic Indian (except for the ones protecting our porous borders) stirred. And India went to the crease first. And the top order fell fast and frequent like dominos on speed. 
Maybe we had to remind them that this was the do or die match. 
Maybe we had to remind them that this was a one-dayer and not a test. 
Maybe we had to remind ourselves that they aren't as good as we are told to believe. 
Did you even see the scorecard? Barring the Captain, none of the others scored above 50 runs. Compare that to the Aussies and you'll begin to see why we are just a mediocre team with an exceptional PR team. 
Back home, next-gen fans began to console themselves and their cricketing idols that this is okay. 'You are allowed to lose', they said, 'after winning so many matches, we are okay with you losing'. How benevolent of us! 
Reminds me of how I used to score 100/100 in drawing, arts & craft, moral science and PT but if I didn't score 60 and above in Math, Science and other subjects, it didn't matter how I did in anything else, would it? Ditto. 
But we still got a scapegoat to blame  - Enter Anushka Sharma. Bad choice or Wrong timing or both? Maybe we lost because Poonam Pandhey didn't offer to strip this time. Thank God its over just in time for IPL.  

Indian Badminton - Saina climbed to the top of the Badminton world which was dominated by the nimble Chinese. She was ranked # 1 even though she lost to Carolina Marin in the All England Series. Climbing to the top of the rankings is no mean effort, and what we lack in consistency we make up in sheer numbers and good PR. Star Sports has been looping a series appropriately titled 'Saina's climb to the top'. Great! She'll use this to demand she be awarded the Bharat Ratna this year.


And in closing, here's a story (with some modifications) that has been doing the rounds since the last many years


Original Story:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool

and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.


NDTV, BBC, CNN , Asianet show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
  • Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
  • Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .
  • Mayawati states this as 'injustice' done on Minorities.
  • The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper
  • CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
  • Railway minister allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
  • Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act'[POTAGA] , with effect from the beginning of the winter..
  • Education minister makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services.
  • The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV, BBC, CNN.
  • Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
  • Railway minister calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
  • CPM calls it 'Revolutionary Resurgence of Downtrodden'
Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley, 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India.
And that's why India is still a developing country...!!

And finally, here's Deepika Padukone with yet another rant on behalf of women everywhere (yawn). Apparently, the lass is bent upon staying relevant whether she has movies or not. Can someone please tell her to STFU.



Wednesday, October 08, 2014

While I was away... 2014!

Have you ever wondered why seemingly smart people make rules that don't seem to be so smart?
This month our apex bank, Reserve Bank of India, passed a law that said you can only make limited number of free cash withdrawals from ATMs. Defeats the purpose of having such a convenience if you are going to get charged for every withdrawal. This reminds me of the charge fee that Bank of America charged on their credit card holders. Time for an online campaign that could save all of us tons of money.

Talking about banks, cops caught the president of a regional cooperative bank for a Rs100 crore fraud. Beat that!

Modi continued to be the flavor of the season this month. Apparently, vacation's over for the country's highest-paid lazy-bums. Lok Sabha attendance jumped 104%. Finally!

While I still am not his biggest fan and didn't vote for him, I still think he is the smartest and the most promising politician to head the country and it's grossly unfair to question his motives and promises for the Acche Din. We stood by and watched Sonia and her unholy batch of political misfits loot and plunder trillions of dollars of wealth in the last decade. But suddenly we all want instant results. Zapp! Just like thatIf we wanted progress why did we put up with those bunch of nincompoops for the last decade. 

The Gandhi clan are planning a well-deserved vacation after their infamous drubbing. The more I think about the quagmire that is Indian Politics, the more I am convinced we need a limit on the number of political terms a person can occupy the top seat a'la the US.
But not before accusing Modi of stealing their spotlight. I know what you mean. So that was the spotlight? 
And what is with Rahul and his obsession with women's empowerment

Modi on the other hand has been all over the place. Putting out fires at home and building bridges out in his first 100 days as the Prime Servant of India. Pride!

He gave what will be remembered as one of the best Independence Day and the most 'chest-swelling in pride Bharat Mata Ki Jai' speech at the UN.
At the I-Day speech, he scrapped a bunch of redundant laws  and ditched the Planning Commission (which wasn't planning much anyway). He also made quite an impression with his nation-wide televised address to children on Teacher's Day.

Arun Jaitley had a 'foot in mouth' moment as he mocked the now (in)famous December 16 rape. Its a pity and a travesty of justice that we still have politicians that can talk this way

Meanwhile, it was all sour grapes for his political opponents (read Sonia G and Co.). 
Modi made the right noises at Nepal, , Japan and the US. It all summed up pretty well when a Congressman in the US Senate asked an Indian Journalist 'So you had to hold an election to choose this guy over Rahul?!". Take notes, Sonia.
And oh yeah, he also managed to get summons from a little known councilman in the US. Reminds me of a proverb in Malayalam 'No matter how mighty you are, a scorpion sting can still hurt'. But alas, as the Prime Minister, he enjoys immunity. Pray what immunity the Congress has?

The neighbor's house is restless too! It almost appears like Imran Khan can't wait to get married

With local legislative elections in major North Indian States, BJP is back into 'Mode: Election'. Enthused by its recent (and unprecedented) success, BJP appeared confident. Perhaps a little too confident? Because it lost the plot in UP to an old foe. Allegations and accusations flew fast and thick. 

Talking about thick, Amma finally got the 'Go to Jail' card, after 18 long years. The ruffians in Tamil Nadu ran amok. I think she was (quite literally) just the biggest and dumbest fish in the pond. What I am waiting for is Sonia G and her mutant bunch of cronies to be arrested, jailed and forever disqualified from politics. Now that will be epic.

Moving on to World News, threats flew back and forth between Russia and the Rest of the WorldGaza continued to burn Uncle Sam decides to wear the sheriff's badge once again.  The US also determined that it was time to go back in and complete what it should have done decades ago - eliminate terrorism in the Middle East. Why you ask? Well, if there is anything movies like Iron Man has taught you, it is that someone has to buy arms and ammunition from America. Where would the US be if it weren't for all the problems in the Middle East? 

But if you thought the Americans truly wanted peace, you couldn't be more wrong. The US will make all the right noises, do all the posturing and promise us eternal peace but knowing how the Americans have always left things half-done, I doubt if this is the last we've heard about the ISIS. Made up of officers of the former Saddam regime, the ISIS has been on a beheading spree. For the muslim lunatics, everyday is a bakrid.
Like the LTTE and the Al Qaeda, the ISIS is a ruthlessly efficient multi-tiered organisation that is fueled by the same things that makes the Americans drool - Oil. 
Its not that the US can't do the job, but it's just that they don't have the will-power to see through it.  
So in the last fortnight, we've seen how patriot missiles have pounded much of the infrastructure to kingdom com and then there has been expensive gaffes as well. Rookie Iraqi pilots air-dropped arms and supplies meant for the rebels to the militants! Good show. Just what Uncle Sam wanted - More weapons sold! 

India promised the US a larger pie of its multi-billion dollar defence budget. Back home, we have been making huge strides in technology ourselves. We test-fired the Akash and even left one of our live missiles unguarded at a South Korean port for 10 whole months! Pakistan, please note.
And the US 'killed' a secret experimental hypersonic weapon that can reach targets anywhere in the world within 30 minutes. Gulp!

Meanwhile, a commuter plane crashed in an highway in Tehran and an Indigo aircraft caught fire while landing.
In more tidbits of news about the ill-fated Malaysian Airways MH370, recent findings suggests that the aircraft may have turned south-bound earlier than presumed, which now means the search areas will widen. Meanwhile, families of the victims have announced a massive reward for anybody with valuable information on this aircraft and its passengers & crew.
And we had an unidentified plane in Mumbai.
After coaxing and encouraging India's space agency to set higher goals and achieve better, ISRO made us all proud by being the first and only country to put a satellite in Martian orbit in its first attempt. Working on a shoe-string budget (which incidentally cost less than the Hollywood movie Gravity), we did the impossible. Now, the hypocrite among us will complain about the money we had to spend on an interplanetary mission when we still have to sort out the mess back home, here's the answer - a mission like this proves that we have the technology and the engineering capability to achieve excellence. Technology lessons learnt from space missions and Formula One and the 'God Particle' experiments have helped us make huge strides in inventing and improving everyday technology. Besides, to be the only country to be able to do this in its first attempt is simply awe-inspiring. 

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section, Hollywood lost 3 of its legends. 
Sir Richard Attenborough, who needs no description. 
Robin Williams, lost the his battle to depression and killed himself. And Lauren Bacall
May God give their loved ones the grace to find peace with this loss.

In home news, get ready to be scammed the next time you visit a local mall/grocer in Bangalore, because your wallet is about to get a lot lighter. 
And if you have trouble reaching the cops the old-fashioned way, try tweeting your troubles. It worked for this gentleman.

India's greatest symbol of non-cooperation after Gandhi, Irom Sharmila, was released from prison. The celebration was short-lived because she was arrested again. Decades after we won our freedom through peace non-cooperation in style, I am amazed at how petrified and paranoid we are about letting others practice it.

And much to the joy of Modi and the chagrin of Sonia G, Congress puppet and disgraced former Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit resigned as the Governor of Kerala. Saved us a whole lot of drama, if you ask me

With the holiday season upon us, and spurred by the insane discounts of it's deep-pocketed rivals in the last couple of months, Air India announced tickets at
Rs 100. And true to the reputation of most government websites, the AI website crashed soon after Rs100 offer: 

With the way his former colleagues have been writing 'tell-all' books, I doubt if Manmohan Singh is enjoying his quiet sunset years with books. 

Apple's mantra is 'If you can't outsell them, ban them'. Thankfully, the courts didn't agree with this. 

In 'Weird enough to be News' news,
Read about some hard love in Erotic Erosion
UP rapists to walk free.
After famously supporting Indian cricket, Poonam Pandhey cheered for FIFA and did the Ice Bucket challenge. I'd like to b*tchslap the idiot who nominated her in the first place.
Diageo Board appoints Malya as Chairman with one caveat: He must clear the wilful defaulter tag to stay in the position. Checkmate! I bet he didn't see this coming.
Pistoris (aka The Blade Runner) was convicted of culpable homicide and will be sentenced. And that's how the world lost an otherwise gifted athlete. 
Hundreds of coal blocks that were illegally auctioned by the previous Congress-led coalition government were cancelled because of gross violations of rules. And the plot just got thicker here..

The world had no shortage of smut this past month, when a hacker stole 1000s of (nude) selfies of Hollywood actresses from Apple's iCloud. Lessons learnt?
One of India's 'leading' national newspaper, Times of India rehashed a photograph of Deepika Padukone and ran looped video montages of her cleavage to reveal her 'inner strength' on Twitter. To saute insult to injury, TOI even complimented her cleavage.
What followed was pure anarchy. Hell hath no fury like a scorn of a Bollywood actress! 
Poonam Pandhey must be really upset everyone snubbed her ample and overflowing 'inner strength'.

In 'Things you need to watch out for' section, 
Modi put his weight behind the RuPay. Way to Go!
Watch out for ebola. With recent studies showing how the virus has already mutated atleast once, things are suddenly getting out of hand. Thousands have already died in the outbreak and with the way India's (and most of the developing countries') medical infrastructure is grossly under-prepared for a crisis like this, we cannot afford to slip. Do whatever it takes to spread the awareness and stop this epidemic.
We also got a first peep into what could be new traffic rules
Watch out for yet another over-hyped Indian blockbuster starring Rajnikanth. 
Pakistan arrested the gunmen who attacked Malala. Knowing how unstable the country is, I think the prisons are the safest places to be. 

I'd previously posted a video documentary on how young girls are trafficked from the impoverished North East. This news only proves that there are a lot of people who do the utterly thankless job of making sure women have the right to a dignified life. 

One of the greatest irony in India today is how our courts (and society) believes marital rape is okay but pre-marital consensual sex is rape. Today, 1000s of women use this legal sword to make sure the men they are having sex with, will marry them.
Case in point: Union Railway Minister and former Karnataka Chief Minister DV Sadanand's son was served with a lawsuit after his (ex) girlfriend accused him of raping her after promising to marry her. 

What I can't understand is, 
One- why would she wait this long before she files the case, and 
Two - What does she expect to achieve from this? Notoriety? Maybe. Does she expect him to marry her and live the life of the privileged political bahu? I don't think so.

In another instance of our double-standards, we all pounced on Swetha Basu when she was busted in a prostitution ring. While I can't support her for the decisions she's made, I applaud her for the courage she's shown to be honest and come clean. Bravo!

And then we have more brave-hearts than we'd like to admit. Enter Sarita Devi. Indian Boxer. Stung like a bee, yet took the high road. While the International boxing federation AIBA let her off with a slap in the wrist, I hope this doesn't snuff out the flame inside her. I admit I didn't know much about her until this happened, but when this did, I googled for and watched the recording of the match and saw how wrong the referee was. Nepotism in sport (or anything else for that matter) isn't new and as Indians we resign ourselves to this fact of living. We could all argue till we are blue around the gills about the right way to have fought this injustice. But the truth is - she did what she had to do, because it mattered to her. She sacrificed her time away from her new born and her family for her career. She lost the match. To us, she is just another medal statistic. For Sarita, this is the fruit of her toil snatched away. The metal on the medal doesn't matter. The validation does. 

In a few years from now, and in future matches, we will look out for Sarita. Because we know she is passionate about what she does.

Since my last post and now, the Scots have debated and finally decided to stay within the United Kingdom. The Brits let out a huge collective sigh of relief. It was a close call though. 

Saving the best for last, here's an interesting statistic: Between the time you woke up today and the time you drag your tired body (and mind) back to bed, 92 Indian women were raped.
Today it was some random lady/girl/child. You don't know her. You'll probably never cross paths with her. Today this is just a statistic for you. 
Tomorrow it could be your mother/sister/wife/daughter/girlfriend.
I'll let that sink in.

GoodBye.


Sunday, December 01, 2013

GuestSpeak : Romeo & Juliet : Ruined.

Project: A lousy adaptation of the Romeo and Juliet.

Title: Goliyon ki raasleela-Ramleela

Disclaimer: The character ‘Ram’ in the movie does in no way portray Lord Ram. No animals were hurt in the making, but we’ll show a dead peacock to tease Salman Khan’s taste buds. Evil Mojojo laugh.

No real women were raped or tortured but we’ll show damsels in distress just so we know that it’s India we are talking about and no Bollywood movie has scored well without a woman being irrationally exploited in public. Like, rapists will defile widows too, so there’s something new to watch.


My chores for the day:

  • Sign the most dead actress I’ve seen onscreen who gets ready to do absolutely anything that comes her way for a completely unrelated role in the movie for a dance. An item number. Have her dance to it and annoy my audience. She’s made Pitbull and satisfied him by sitting on his lap but that’s not enough, right?
  • Inane looking people with guns in their hands who shoot anyone who gets in their way. Even a little kid who just pees atop a terrace. “Just shoot at him now! Kill him! THROW YOUR EGO AROUND!”
  • Song.
  • Like every Bollywood movie, we will have a HUGE HOLI celebration! Lots and lots of people will dance in complete synchronization with each other and the air will be coloured in pink and yellow! My lead actress will enter wearing a bra-like something which barely covers anything and MAKE HER RUN. MAKE HER RUN LIKE THOSE BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN IN BAYWATCH! Let her rock that major-Cleave show going on there. She’s done enough by being a party girl in every movie she’s acted in, let me dress her up skimpy in this one too. And NO. Usage of combs is banned in the movie. No.One. Must.Use.Combs. Ram meets Leela, Leela meets Ram. They fall in love. Love at first sight, so romantic. More like LUST at first sight. She must practically seduce him by inhuman bodily gestures, so that at night when he’ll lurk around in her balcony, she can kiss him and almost make love to him.
  • Song.
  • Ah, my boy, Ranveer. Let’s give him a Greek sculpted body, lips that every woman wants to kiss, strong muscular arms and an oiled up chest FOR NOTHING. Just make him jump around like a monkey from terrace to terrace, hang out with his cheap,low-life friends and throw in some porn videos for him to watch to keep him engaged in his nuisances.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Yet another song, (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?)
  • In every, every damn scene must they almost make love. Just touch each other in places and arouse their audience but.must.not.make.love.
  • Must.not.make.love.
  • CONTROL.MY.BODILY.FLUIDS.
  • MUST.NOT.OGGLE.
  • Ooh Ooh! How could I forget!!! The two will run away, rent a sleazy, skeevy-looking hotel room and almost make love. They will get married and just when he puts sindoor in her scalp, they must kiss. Seal the deal with a long sensuous kiss. How about that? Am I not a genius?!
  • (Dramatic music in the background and temple bells ringing in the distance)
  • Evil Bitch mom strikes!! A loud pompous lady who has her widowed daughter in law take bullets out of husband’s chest with a knife. Every woman, every and every man in her household and under her tyrannous rule must carry weapons. They must show love, pain, sorrow, anger, depression, approval, denial BY SHOOTING THE AIR IN UNISON. Evil Bitch mom dresses up in black, wears heavy jewels, has dreadful bloodshot eyes and manly hands. She must in no way look like woman. Her weakness: Have a child hug her when she’s already caused a lot of collateral damage. Wait. Or I could get some guy to kiss her like Snow Whit was kissed. Way to go, I’m a whizkid with this shit.
  • THEY.MUST.SHOOT.RAM.BEFORE.RAAVAN.IS.BURNT. I am going to write a Ramayana of my own *Pretty Soon* and it’s going to be slick.. The UPites will go completely insane, my movie will gain publicity and Romeo can die.
  • The title can say an ADAPTATION OF THE ROMEO AND JULIET but not even one scene should really be an adaptation. It’s Bollywood. It’s way past Romeo and Juliet. We’ve come a far way. BUT LET’S FINISH IT THAT WAY. Have Leela lock her room, she has her bullet,he has his. Let them make have one last almost-love-making-session, and kill them off.
  • Woohoooooooo! 5 stars! I DID IT! This movie is going to be a sick production. It sure is going to disappoint millions of movie-goers.

The End.

SHOOT


This is a guest post by a budding blogger and avid movie buff - Suparna Havelia.
She describes herself as a very boring person who loves romantic books.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 1 of 3]

The past week, politicians felt foolish.
I said 'Go with the feeling'.

A 22 year old JNU student did a Freddy Krueger and killed himself. And that's how urban legends are born, thank you.

And it looks like one of my wishes came true! Smarting from the accounting frauds at Satyam a few years ago, the government finally signed into law The Companies Act, 2012, which makes it mandatory for companies among other things to be involved in Corporate CSR. Now, the real work should be in the details. The Act should specify who and what could be the benefactors of this largesse.

If you thought you've achieved everything in life after you've settled into that expensive new home that you will be slogging your butts off to pay the mortgages for the next 20 years, think again. This family left their home and returned to find a pile of rubble. No earthquake this. All in a day's work for land sharks and petty politicians.

Snowden settled into Russia. O said Snowden is no patriot and cancelled his meeting with Putin. How mature!
Okay, so he promised more transparency into such surveillance, but that was not what he originally said, was it? By defending his government's classified programs to monitor people and their communications, he has inadvertently eroded much of the goodwill and trust that his people and his allies had on his country. The truth could be that common Americans are either too terrified or too busy to bother. But let's face it - 20 years after the Cold War, Russia is still that speck in Uncle Sam's eye.

Iran got a new puppet. While Mr Rouhani has a lot on his plate, one thing is sure - Its all uphill from here.

Indians (the ones who didn't have much else to fight about) still fought over Durga like a bunch of hyenas. She got the support from her fellow bureaucrats.The SC spoke. Mrs G put in a word. But I think this is ironic on so many levels mainly because she is named after a Hindu goddess. Brush aside all the noise, it is clear to see how all of this is just a diversionary tactic, a sleight of hand that will cover up other scams  that happen. Khemka, anyone?

Doctors revolted. For a profession that promises to serve selflessly, I am surprised why we are even allowing them to protest.

A few years ago, when I was flying to Srilanka, a co-passenger next to me was filling up the transit form when he had to mention which port he was going to disembark at. He paused for a few seconds, and then wrote 'Airport'. Well, obviously he didn't expect to land at a seaport, or was he just referring to some of our Indian airports that become flooded? After Delhi, it was Kochi.

While some of Micromax's ads peddle the Canvas smartphones, the owners of the company are living the credo when they were caught bribing. Say it with me, folks - You Can Do Anything!

For better or worse, Yahoo has decided to shed its skin. Maybe they should set they inflated egos aside and sell themselves to Microsoft already.

And in the main byte of the week, Indian soldiers got ambushed and killed (yet again) by terrorists and men in Pakistani army clothes (WOW!).
India: 'This is unacceptable'. Pakistan shuddered.
Our Defense Minister suffered from verbal diarrhea and ended up with more spoiled fish-moilee curry than he could've imagined. The Opposition pounced on shortie like NFL players trying to block the touchdown. Antony ate humble pie. Apology accepted and everyone went home a happy man.
To the question- When are we going to grow some balls and retaliate, the answer is - When hell freezes over and decides to ban chicken tikka masala from its menu.

Our politicians are intellectually and politically impotent to strike when the iron is hot. And I have a theory (albeit a borrowed one) about why -
When a country like ours (nuclear armed yada yada) strikes first, it loses its morality and pity factor. Unlike the US, no matter how right we are we are too scared to be 'in the bad books'. Instead what we love doing is wait for our neighbors to strike us and strike us hard so that we can enjoy the outpouring of support, both financially and logistically, that our NRIs and the West are known for. Surely, a first strike will hurt but the rush of support that we will end up getting is something that our neighbors are wary of.
So as long as Pakistan fires a few thousand shells, kills a couple of soldiers here and there and doesn't wipe the Deccan Plateau clean, they know it will be okay with us.

But just in case you were wallowing in self-pity and remorse, Mr PM reminded us that we are one of 6 countries in the world that is capable of destroying other countries. Enter INS Arihant. Mr Singh finished his quota of words for the month of August and shall not speak until September. Theek Hai.

'Dawood Ibrahim is not in Pakistan'. Yeah, and I suck at English.
Hafiz Saeed wished India Eid Mubbarak in his special little way. We shuddered. Now, imagine if he actually comes marching towards Delhi.

Bad year for the Kardhashians? Actually not. Any news is good news for a lady (and siblings) whose only claim to fame is a 'leaked' sex tape and 'made for TV' marriage.

Buy your Samsung Galaxy phones while they are still around. Judging by the way, Apple has been hunting Samsung down, I think we are heading towards Armageddon. Or you could simply switch.

Chennai Express.
Couple of things are clear-
SRK is on his way out. And how!
Deepika really needed the money because I don't know why else she would still be acting.
And the makers of this movie might have really hated the pair. In the 2 plus hours that you are trapped in the theater, you are wondering what atrocity SRK and Deepika could have done to Rohit Shetty and Co. that he deliberately wanted to screw them both. And they actually smiled through the promotions?!
Deepika, let me give you the same sane advice I gave Ms Leone. Get into an acting class. Date a rising star and get married. Stop acting. It isn't working for us.
If we ever had anything like the Razzies, Chennai Express would sweep all the categories unanimously. Absolute and Total Trash. Avoid it like the bubonic plague.

Salman K became the most searched celebrity online. Take that, Poonam Pandhey.
Paying tribute to our ideals of beauty and wanton materialism, we crowned the best dressed celebrities. Take a bow!

And here's something else to chew on- Our national bird, CBI didn't break free and for good reason. Hindi is not our national language and Hockey is not our national game. Aren't we great!

'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro'  - Hunter S. Thompson.


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