Showing posts with label Infidelity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infidelity. Show all posts

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Stalk 'em

Recently when a close friend of mine was relating to me how her ex was keeping a close tab on her. I was hardly surprised.

That's what most ex'es do.
Atleast the bitter ones.

Orkut was a wonderful thing. Sneaking a peek at the photo albums to see who's been dating who and hoping that they are having a miserable time, even if you are secretly envious about the good time they are really having. Browsing through the scraps to find out who he/she has been writing to and hearing from.

Then came Facebook. Darn those privacy levels. Now, he/she can't see those photo albums and or read those wall posts. So, now you have a stalker who is despicable enough to be rummaging through information (mostly pictures of you) on the internet. However, despite all the privacy online, and with the kind of footprint that we leave online, it is only a matter of time, that you can find some information. Even if it is as mundane as a note about a doctor's visit. "Finally, some new information!"
Well, congratulations, Shortie!

Statistics reveal cyber stalking is prevalent in developing countries like India, where there isn't strict enforcement of rules that protect privacy of an individual online. I know a person who left a malicious yet anonymous comment on google maps against me in the hope that I would toe his line. But being anonymous online is misnomer. A little digging yielded his computer's IP Address, name and postal address. But this is the cost we pay for freedom and free speech.

Relationships are tricky.
The first times are always so beautiful. The first date, the first look, the first shy smile, the first kiss and even the first fight (aka lover's spat). All immortalized. Or until you break up, whichever comes first.

Breakups are a tight rope walk. Long after you unceremoniously dumped him/her, you burn with the innate desire to still be a part of that one person you should have never hurt and cheated upon.
It could be infidelity or simply boredom. Love turns sour faster than you can say 'Sufferin' succotash'. And it's all downhill after this. If you are married, you're headed towards many painful months of counseling (if you are lucky) or a divorce (if you are unlucky). If you are just a couple, you'd still go through all the pangs of a 'divorce'. Mutual friends stop being that. Gifts get returned/donated/burned. The memories of all the places where the both of you went to and 'did' it and all the things you did together suddenly begin to trap you in a vicious cycle of denial, hate, depression and anger. For the lucky few, the transition is nice and easy and the wounds heal.

For as long as humans crave love and value lust, we'll always have partners who cheat and all the trauma that comes along with it. And lecherous men and unrepentant women would want to spy on their former better halves and secretly want them to suffer but I've got three words for you-  
Get a life!


Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Love and Loss..

Were you ever in a relationship where you felt like you gave up too soon?
Have you ever been in a relationship that you knew was a dead end but regretted breaking up?

We give up too soon and too easily.
Humans are driven by love. We are constantly looking for affection and acceptance from others. But we often deny that person who truly loves us in our selfish pursuit of love.

Infidelity in relationships doesn't happen because we love the other person any less, but because there is a new recipient of all that love. There is a new person that we have trained our eyes on.

Some relationships are convenient escapes from reality and act like vacation homes that you head to when you want a break from the mundane grid of daily life.
Yet some other meet your physical needs, while starving you emotionally and spiritually.
Some relationships start with a lot of odds against them, develop into a strange coexistence of logic and reason.
The luckier relationships start platonic, and develop into something really beautiful. Weddings happen.

Marriages however can be tough, for most this is where the honeymoon ends. Real life begins here. Graduating from the Lover-boy to a Family-man is uphill pedaling.
The Wife takes it easier, for her it's just a new surname.
He will need to earn for the family. He becomes a one woman man, like it or not.
Probably, nature programmed the homosapien man to be monogamous.

However the Wife now ends up living with a Lover that does not shower all the love that he once showered. She is stuck with making his house. She needs to cook and clean after the Husband. 'Where did I make the mistake?' .. 'Is he not in love with me anymore?' ... 'Did he ever love me?'
Questions that the husband will need to answer real quick. But unfortunately these are questions that a man does not know how to answer without being hurt. While he grapples with these potent questions, the Wife takes his visible confusion and trauma as answers that complicates their once beautiful marriage.

They marry the man they love, hoping that they would change and become that New and Improved Man of their Dreams.
Men marry the woman they love, hoping that the woman will never stop giving him the 'emotional orgasm' that he experienced when courting.

Disappointment awaits both of them
Women fantasize so much on the wedding that they forget they have a marriage to live.
Men don't improve. Correction, men do improve, but improvement in men ends with potty training.

All relationships are hard work.
All our lives, we are tied with that common cognitive bond of emotion and duty.
From the cradle to the grave, we carry a lifetime of bonding. Some that will bring us immense peace and satisfaction and some the exact opposite

I remember a couple who once lived in with each other. They had a relationship of convenience. The guy's sexual and culinary needs were met and the girl's shelter and clothing needs satisfied. Why would they ever need to break up? Most men fantasize about relationships like this, but somewhere down the line they broke up. The girl grew distant and the guy could not take much more of her cold shoulder. They split but years later, he is still pining for her. He only wishes that he should have shut his mouth although he knows that she would have never satisfied his emotional needs.

If only we could look inwards, deep inwards, and plug that 'God shaped hole' in our soul, would we be able to fathom the unfailing love of True Love.
While our society gently slides and shimmy its way to greater depravity and spiritual vacuum, are we forgetting how transient our lives on earth are?
All the arrogance, infidelity and sex in this world cannot save nor satisfy you when your time to go comes.
All the pretty flowers and glowing eulogy wouldn't make a difference to you in death, if you didn't bother to make a positive difference in your relationships when you were alive.

All love on earth is transient and expires, and no matter how much that girl or guy might have professed to have loved you.. the only love that is true and tested is the love that our God showers on us. Your lover may not know all about you, but the Lord who knows all about you, even the really dirty stuff, loves you with a passion that none can match.
While lovers talk the talk, its only our Lord who talks the talk and walks the walk.

Look Within, Love Heavenwards. You can never get disappointed because you know that no matter who you are with and regardless of how much he/she professes to love you, you will have The Love that lasts.. unto eternity.


Monday, February 22, 2010

Emotional Atyachar: The flip side

I didn't catch the movie (Dev D) and was too turned off by the song but when I first heard about Emotional Atyachar, a show on UTV Bindaas, piqued my interest.
This show bears a lot of resemblance with 'Cheaters', a show that used to come on 'Reality TV'.
'Emotional Atyachar' (which means Emotional Trauma, in Hindi) though a very new show, has managed to grab much attention. EA is right up there with 'X Files' on my list of must watch TV shows.

Voyeurism is such a carnal passion. Sensationalized, packaged with a good name and catchy tune you've got a Super hit series.
The concept though similar to 'Cheaters' in the US, is specially adapted for the Indian audiences. It involves one of the person in a active relationship wanting the EA team do a 'Loyalty test' on their significant other. The 'Suspect' is baited with an attractive model/actor ('Undercover Agent') who will test the loyalty of the suspect by feigning physical intimacy.In almost all the shows, the suspect falls for the bait and is finally confronted by the 'Lead'. All hell normally breaks loose. Though the level of violence is not as much as in 'Cheaters', the consequence is pretty much the same.

Sin has the charms of a seductress. This is as true now as it was a billion years ago as it will be in a million years from now. I have been cheated upon a couple of times, but what really lingers are the thoughts "Why is this happening to me?" and 'What went wrong?"
You figure out the answers to these and you've cracked an age old code for a joyful relationship.

Infidelity in relationships are so common yet, you never think this could happen to you. It is like one of those diseases (like AIDS) where you feel it would happen only to people of a certain demography or lifestyle. You could not be more wrong than a chimpanzee in an Alaskan ice berg. All it takes is one wrong step, one misplaced act, one thoughtless word and one ruthless lie. And if this happens in a marriage, then you are heading towards a divorce unless you overhaul your lives in a massive way. 

My Dad, as I was growing up, used to ask me to cut the grass when we were visiting our home in India so that I could go out and play with my friends. How I used to curse all the grass and weeds and wish I could just vacuum them up like the dust on the carpet. How I used to envy the other kids who didn't have to do all this to earn some play time. Now, I was clever (or I thought I was). I used to just cut the tall blades of the grass just till its roots. This was quicker. 'Man, I am a genius!!'
But come next morning, the damn grass has grown up again. 'Darn! What are they eating?'
Dad's play time condition stood. Unwavering, I went about 'pruning' it again. Day 3, same thing. I decided enough is enough and admitted defeat to my Dad. With all the loving and patient hug that only a Dad can give, he told me that every time I cut the grass, I am leaving the roots in there. 'As long as the roots are in there, you are not getting rid of the problem. Take the roots away, and you won't have a problem.' Why didn't he just say this before?, I thought. I haven't had a problem with the grass since.

Sin is very similar. In a fit of realization, we often cut the visible part of the sinful habit or behavior but leave the roots in us. Over time, we let it grow, eventually realizing that we are back in square one. Whatever be our sin of choice, over time we give up and resign to the thought that we are no good for God and that we might as well, enjoy the sin. Wrong again. God does love us. And He is giving us a chance to admit defeat to Him and ask him for guidance. I can hear Him tell me exactly what my Dad told me, 'Pull the sin by its roots and you will not have a problem again'.

I had my sin and I am sure all of you have yours. I had mine for over a decade and a half. I tried every possible method known to man to overcome it, but it was pointless. In a world which teaches you, 'If you can't fight it, join it', I joined forces with my sin and reveled in it. Contrary to the joy that I thought I would enjoy, I was raked by relentless thoughts of guilt, anger, frustration and utter hopelessness.
My latest relationship was an eye opener. I realized that I had to uproot my sins. A pilgrimage to the Divine Retreat Centre, Challakudy helped me exorcise my demons. 

As any addict would testify, you cannot change what you do not accept. The relief and the joy that I have to know that I am free from addictions is incredible. 
Every morning is a joy. Every hour away from the addiction is another hour spent in His Grace.

Unfortunately, I had to wade through a lot of emotional atyachar myself to get through to the other end. I lost several years of my life trying to grapple with the addiction and the many relationships that failed. All is not lost. The old age adage 'Better late than never..' ironically stands tested here. 

Been there, done that, worn the T Shirt.



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