Showing posts with label Mediocrity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mediocrity. Show all posts

Sunday, December 01, 2013

GuestSpeak : Romeo & Juliet : Ruined.

Project: A lousy adaptation of the Romeo and Juliet.

Title: Goliyon ki raasleela-Ramleela

Disclaimer: The character ‘Ram’ in the movie does in no way portray Lord Ram. No animals were hurt in the making, but we’ll show a dead peacock to tease Salman Khan’s taste buds. Evil Mojojo laugh.

No real women were raped or tortured but we’ll show damsels in distress just so we know that it’s India we are talking about and no Bollywood movie has scored well without a woman being irrationally exploited in public. Like, rapists will defile widows too, so there’s something new to watch.


My chores for the day:

  • Sign the most dead actress I’ve seen onscreen who gets ready to do absolutely anything that comes her way for a completely unrelated role in the movie for a dance. An item number. Have her dance to it and annoy my audience. She’s made Pitbull and satisfied him by sitting on his lap but that’s not enough, right?
  • Inane looking people with guns in their hands who shoot anyone who gets in their way. Even a little kid who just pees atop a terrace. “Just shoot at him now! Kill him! THROW YOUR EGO AROUND!”
  • Song.
  • Like every Bollywood movie, we will have a HUGE HOLI celebration! Lots and lots of people will dance in complete synchronization with each other and the air will be coloured in pink and yellow! My lead actress will enter wearing a bra-like something which barely covers anything and MAKE HER RUN. MAKE HER RUN LIKE THOSE BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN IN BAYWATCH! Let her rock that major-Cleave show going on there. She’s done enough by being a party girl in every movie she’s acted in, let me dress her up skimpy in this one too. And NO. Usage of combs is banned in the movie. No.One. Must.Use.Combs. Ram meets Leela, Leela meets Ram. They fall in love. Love at first sight, so romantic. More like LUST at first sight. She must practically seduce him by inhuman bodily gestures, so that at night when he’ll lurk around in her balcony, she can kiss him and almost make love to him.
  • Song.
  • Ah, my boy, Ranveer. Let’s give him a Greek sculpted body, lips that every woman wants to kiss, strong muscular arms and an oiled up chest FOR NOTHING. Just make him jump around like a monkey from terrace to terrace, hang out with his cheap,low-life friends and throw in some porn videos for him to watch to keep him engaged in his nuisances.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Yet another song, (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?)
  • In every, every damn scene must they almost make love. Just touch each other in places and arouse their audience but.must.not.make.love.
  • Must.not.make.love.
  • CONTROL.MY.BODILY.FLUIDS.
  • MUST.NOT.OGGLE.
  • Ooh Ooh! How could I forget!!! The two will run away, rent a sleazy, skeevy-looking hotel room and almost make love. They will get married and just when he puts sindoor in her scalp, they must kiss. Seal the deal with a long sensuous kiss. How about that? Am I not a genius?!
  • (Dramatic music in the background and temple bells ringing in the distance)
  • Evil Bitch mom strikes!! A loud pompous lady who has her widowed daughter in law take bullets out of husband’s chest with a knife. Every woman, every and every man in her household and under her tyrannous rule must carry weapons. They must show love, pain, sorrow, anger, depression, approval, denial BY SHOOTING THE AIR IN UNISON. Evil Bitch mom dresses up in black, wears heavy jewels, has dreadful bloodshot eyes and manly hands. She must in no way look like woman. Her weakness: Have a child hug her when she’s already caused a lot of collateral damage. Wait. Or I could get some guy to kiss her like Snow Whit was kissed. Way to go, I’m a whizkid with this shit.
  • THEY.MUST.SHOOT.RAM.BEFORE.RAAVAN.IS.BURNT. I am going to write a Ramayana of my own *Pretty Soon* and it’s going to be slick.. The UPites will go completely insane, my movie will gain publicity and Romeo can die.
  • The title can say an ADAPTATION OF THE ROMEO AND JULIET but not even one scene should really be an adaptation. It’s Bollywood. It’s way past Romeo and Juliet. We’ve come a far way. BUT LET’S FINISH IT THAT WAY. Have Leela lock her room, she has her bullet,he has his. Let them make have one last almost-love-making-session, and kill them off.
  • Woohoooooooo! 5 stars! I DID IT! This movie is going to be a sick production. It sure is going to disappoint millions of movie-goers.

The End.

SHOOT


This is a guest post by a budding blogger and avid movie buff - Suparna Havelia.
She describes herself as a very boring person who loves romantic books.


Friday, September 07, 2012

Review: Raaz. Na Raaz [251/365]

What do you do this weekend?

If you are a Bollywood movie buff, stay clear of Raaz 3.
Filmed in 3D, this movie violates your senses. A typical Bhatt movie, it is replete with creaking doors, women who are haunted, cheesy special effects, atrocious background score and lots of cleavage. And ofcourse, where Emraan Hashmi is there, can a lip-lock be far away?

Mr Bhatt follows his formulae like an aged chemistry teacher pouring his solutions into a test-tube, but fails to create the magic that has escaped him by now.
The acting is ridiculous. Bips sleepwalks through the movie that she obviously did only for the money.
While I can sense the existence of a scriptwriter,  any semblance of a plot is lost by half-time.
The costumes are hideous and the special effects amateurism.
The one with the attack of the flying roaches will barely titillate a 12 year old year old.
There's just too much cliche`and way too much noise in the movie to make it even mildly horrifying.

Raaz 3 is nothing more than a Bollywoodisque version of the Good versus Evil. The scriptwriters and the director apparently forgot to take that and make it into a meaningful movie that could have scared and titillated.
Raaz 3 needs a spine but its too late.

Would I recommend this movie?
Only if you are really into stupid movies or feeling adventurous.
The Bhatts have a penchant for making provocative statements about their movies. In this one, we were told that Bips will take on Vidya Balan with the kind of role she did in this movie. 30 minutes into the movie, you'll want to give a call to Vidya and tell her that she has nothing to worry about.

With Raaz 3, this would be the second time in as many months that I've molested my senses with atrocious Bollywood movies.

My Rating: 3.0

What does the ratings mean?
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Nothing else matters...

Over the past several weeks, I've seen how people treat you when you get ahead in life.
Failures, that's fine. They will console and comfort you. But it is when you get ahead of them in life that you begin to see the knives coming at you. Some of them even believe you've betrayed them! What you get is a lot of cold shoulders and malicious back-room gossip. All this just because you got a promotion.
We, Indians are not known to be sore losers. I mean, take for instance the way we react when our (mediocre) cricket team loses. While we are swift to kick their collective asses when they win, we love to rub it in when the team wins too.
As a nation, we love to think that we strive for excellence and pride ourselves on being hard working people. But are we really?
While we are taught to aim for everything good in life, very few know how to get there or to be patient while we get there.

Having worked for almost 8 years now, when I achieved my first career milestone earlier this month, I first thanked Jesus. It wasn't a moment too soon or too late. It was perfect! For all the interviews that I failed, and for all the life lessons I've learned over the past couple of years, I knew there was a purpose behind all the pain. While I've seen 'staunch' Christians flocking to God only when they are in pain and in times of good fortune, I've rarely seen any of them surrendering themselves when they hit rock bottom and remaining with Him when they rise. Most people assume a promotion, a good job, a child after a long wait and such milestones are because of their merit. Because they deserved it. Because they worked for it.
I think otherwise. While it is true that Jesus abhors a lazy person, He has also said, I'll never leave you nor forsake you. Not of my merit but of His grace.

What a wonderful promise!
Maybe, we forget to remember this promise.
Or maybe, we use this promise as a crutch rather than a ladder.
Many fair-weather Christians that I know of think they are automatically blessed by virtue of their faith.
If having a stethoscope makes you a doctor, going to a church and swearing by His name makes you christian. But definitely not citizens of His Kingdom.

Myth: When you grow up, people will respect and honor you.
Fact: You get what you give.

Over the past couple of years, I've learned the importance of interceding for the many who are lost.
If you are filled with hatred, remorse and you are unwilling to wait on the Lord, you aren't going to get much further from where you started. It's a vicious cycle. 
Truth is you only reap what you sow.
Too many people, especially Christians think they are blessed if they get a plum promotion or if they get a good job/wife/car/lottery.
But I've learned that none of this really matters at the end of the day. When your time to go comes, it really does not matter if you are a CEO or a lowly student. It does not matter how many Bentley you've owned or the debts that you had. Are you ready to meet your Creator without any of the urges of the world?
Learn to be patient with those who test you. Even on those who cut in front of you in a queue or skip lanes on the road.
Give thanks for the many blessings and life lessons you've learned. Yes, even the bitter ones. Pray for those who've hurt you, and ask for their forgiveness. You will need forgiveness too.

Pray. Praise the Lord. Even with you hit rock bottom.
Love. Even your enemies.
Forgive. Even when they have done the gravest sin against you. Trust me. You will feel a whole lot better when you let go of all that hatred.
While I still consider myself a toddler when it comes to Christianity, I know that with Jesus 
by my side, I'd need nothing else.

Read this note on the internet:
I have a relationship with Jesus.......Not a Religion.
I have a relationship with Jesus.......Not a Ritual.
I have a relationship with my Sisters and Brothers.......Not a Race.


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