Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts

Saturday, January 31, 2015

As you liked it - January 2015

Wheee!! So that was the first month of the second half of the second decade of the 'twenty-tens'.

We carried over all the 'Obamania' from the last year because, having Obama and his wife over to witness our Soviet-era military parade and carnival-style floats is the breakthrough of the century. Having the 'most powerful man in the world' as chief guest at our Republic Day parade is the sign of our power. Really?!

Nevermind that Obama lost control of the Senate back home, or that he is now seen as a(nother) lame duck president. When Modi called, he came. We rubbed it into Pakistan's and China's face. We wore our hearts on our sleeves and drooled over his gadgets. And typical of us, we bent over backwards to please our guest. Modi's PDA (Public Display of Affection for the uninitiated), his attire and his speeches only made it look hilariously over-the-top.


Mr O came with his 300 bodyguards, chewed his executive gum, drank his Starbucks and promised us $4 billion in aid (read pre-approved loan). I wonder what the fine print is. And I am pretty sure the crooks at the top have already spent most of it in their minds. 

What can the US give us that we don't have already? How can the US help us with something that they themselves have failed in?

But we did make a huge deal about the civilian nuclear deal. Why? Because the Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America used his executive powers to do that. WOW! How we love the pomp and glory of titles!
And now since Uncle Sam is giving us nuclear power, we are saved!
We can finally breath easy.
How lucky are we!


Meanwhile, Pradhan Mantri Modiji launched a nationwide online programme to check whether people are using toilets as part of his cleanliness drive. Oh and did I say this already, our streets are still far away from any semblance of cleanliness.
Mr Modi's report card so far has been all fluff and not much else. If you want us to vote for you again, here's how your year ahead should look like. Just saying.

But since the good Mr Modi is still on 'Mode Election', like Alexander the Great, he is still out conquering hearts and votes. This time its Delhi. And who else to fight but Arvind
Kejriwal with Kiran Bedi er.. Kiran Didi. At first glance, it is a lop-sided fight. No prizes for guessing, but the battle is long and the stakes are high and it could turn either way. 

An anti-terror mock drill by Surat Police on Wednesday sparked a controversy after a person posing as a terrorist wore a skull cap suggesting that the terrorists belonged to a particular community. Terrific! Just the motivation the goons at ISI needed.

So Pakistan stepped up its post-Christmas/pre-Eid/any-time-of-the-year cross border shelling. And unlike previous years, we gave it back. Yeah!
Because our defence minister told our troops to return fire with fire. Excellent Advice! We will never learn our lessons.


Talking about terrorism, the Information and Broadcasting ministry banned live coverage of anti-terror operations. Saves us the interruption from the inane sitcoms and prime-time reality (drama) shows. 

We went into hyper-paranoia mode after our 'intelligence agencies' got 'reliable intel' that (Pakistani) terrorists will attack us. 

But we 'caught' a Pakistani boat off the Mumbai coast and gave it a proper American-style chase. Until they destroyed themselves and the boat. The BJP and the Congress got into a fistcuff of words. Get a room, guys!

Iranian president Hassan Rouhani decided it was time to come out of detention. After years of economic sanctions and trade embargoes, he appealed to the world (read US) to forgive and forget. And seeing how Uncle Sam is in a forgiving mood, things could get better for the Iranians.

Our desi fighter jet, Tejas, moved another step closer to being inducted when it passed the altitude test trials. Good show!

And things started getting hotter under the collar for the First Son-In-Law of India - Robert Vadra, after the Government of Rajasthan canceled several of his land deals in Bikaner. 

Indian Women: You can kill them when they are unborn, molest and rape them after they are born, try and discourage them from living their potential and even disfigure them. But our women are still the strongest when it comes to steely resolve to live

Over a year after Sunanda Pushkar was found dead (in mysterious circumstances!), her famous husband faced the spotlight. After months of (exhaustive!) analysis, it was found that she was killed. Duh! You didn't need all that investigation to say that, I told you that right at the beginning. In India, we are presumed innocent (forever) until proven guilty only when the accused is a powerful person in power. 

I can't believe everyone finds Shashi Tharoor's 'remorse' acceptable while we condemned Dr Talwar and his wife because they couldn't express themselves to our satisfaction. Ofcourse, he has promised full cooperation. Why not?! Shashi is guilty but his clout will ensure he will never ever see the insides of a prison. 

Saina Nehwal lost my respect when she demanded that she be given the Padma Bhushan. I would understand if she said she needed an award for winning the Olympic gold, but all she has done is compete in professional tournaments where she gets to keep the money she wins and now she needs one of India's highest civilian awards for that? The fact that many sympathized with her 'predicament' doesn't make this any more acceptable.

I wonder why we are still wasting precious public money trying to prosecute the two Italian marines for shooting and killing Indian fishermen off the Indian coast when we can simply ask Mrs G to mediate and strike a deal? Womano e Mano.

And Uber looked set for a heap of trouble after an Indian court said it would put the case on fast-track and the victim hired Douglas Wigdor, who is listed as one of the Top 100 lawyers in the US, to fight her case. If the company figured (and rightly so) that we will forget all about this over time, then this is a rude awakening that we won't give up that easily

Cheers to the brave lady who stood up for herself. But I am beginning to think all this rage is not going to heal her. Sure, this is a crime that deserves the most severe punishment, and I am glad she had the wherewithal to confront the system head-on. I am glad we are all talking about it. But that's all we are ever doing. We forget that for every victim we fete and publicize, there are 49 other women who will be raped and won't get to see a glimmer of justice. 
Maybe you can rape-proof yourself?! 
Or is it because our women are sending out these invisible invites to rape them?

And right this moment, a dozen MMS clips are being uploaded to sleazy newsboards online. Yet, this social experiment proves that not everyone will do enough to stop this from happening. 

After the lunatics at RSS cooked up 'Ghar Wapsi', now we have a muslim freako declaring that Islam is the real religion of all human beings. Something tells me we should not let these people breed.

Across the border, a quaint Chinese town of Harbin hosted the International Ice and Snow Festival. Held annually, crowds throng to see an entire theme park made of ice and snow. 

In precisely 15 days, India and the rest of the subcontinent will face East and pray that we get the World Cup. Yes, it's that time of the year when husbands will pawn their unmentionables away to their wives for a chance to watch their country fight tooth and nail for glory at the ICC World Cup. 

So, tell me this - Why do they call it the World Cup when only 16 countries play it? Gah! 
But if you think India is going to win it, you must not be watching the way we have been playing lately. Who are my favorites? Australia and South Africa.
Maybe Poonam Pandey can open the show this time, er Poonam?

If you are one of the millions who hate Yo Yo Honey Singh, take a number and get in line. Cheers to the poetry.

Or if you are one the millions who is addicted to fb, then here's some reason to rejoice: Very soon facebook will launch a work-friendly version where you will be able to network with people within your company. If WhatsApp and mobile facebook wasn't enough..

The All India Bakchod laughed its way into troubled concoction after airing 'The Roast'. Bad move in a country full of miserable, repressed bastards, who will rather watch the effing shit out of a Sunny Leone movie and enjoy the crass below-the-belt, between-the-crouch'comedy' of Kapil Sharma. Sigh! 

Surviving cancer can be a daunting experience. One of the best adverts I've seen lately. Kudos for capturing the emotions so succinctly.

After an amazing stint at the helm of affairs, ISRO Chairman K Radhakrishnan retired. He leaves behind a legacy that can't be forgotten and as Dr Shailesh Nayak takes over, he has his task cut out. 

Further down South, trouble brewed after embattled former Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapaksa's country home was raided after a humiliating loss in recent elections. 
Same story, Different zip code.

My prayers go out to the family and friends of the 36 who died in the New Year eve stampede at Shanghai.
Unfortunately, the Chinese authorities' callous approach to the incident only underscores China's poor human rights track record.

Farewell, RK Laxman. One of my favorite cartoonist and illustrator, India won't be the same without your humor. In his honor, all of my posts this year will be titled 'As you liked it..'

A moment of silence to the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo. 
While I don't condone the violence, I think we are all being very hypocritical. No one has the right to discriminate or mock anyone else's religion. For years now, the West have poked fun at Islam. Sure, it's all fun and games until it hits closer home. Try mocking Jesus or the Pope and the shit will get real. The Muslims are only doing what the Christians did back in the medieval times. What happened in Paris happens in Pakistan and Afghanistan and Iraq and Israel and Syria every day. I don't see people marching in their millions. 


I see Muslims (in India) being discriminated and looked at with contempt and suspicion everyday. Yet they live their lives with as much dignity and pride as they can. 
Everyone should really calm down now.

Some cartoons that you should be seeing.

And finally, here's some eye-candy
Until we meet again..


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

While you were gone: November / December 2013

Vanity of vanities.

Life is futile. Case in point - The last 'real' king of the erstwhile princely State of Mysore, art connoisseur and overall pompous guy, Srikanta Datta Wodeyar, passed away after suffering a massive cardiac arrest. This comes a week after he won a hard-fought election at the all powerful Karnataka Cricket Club. For a guy who had seemingly limitless wealth and power, the irony of his end amuses me.

And then when the time comes, we all have to go. Nelson Mandela, arguably the most loved human being on the planet after Mother Theresa, died . And we all mourned. Some in their unique ways. Obama took selfies and we all sat on our moral high horses and tut tuted. Aw c'mon! How many of us can honestly say we haven't done something similar at an inappropriate time?

As Indians, we are used to politicians who speak with their feet in their mouths. After many weeks of seeing Rahul Gandhi in action, we must now appoint him as the head chieftain of our village politics. You want change? You want progressive change? Rahul G is the man!
Don't make him PM, get Modi in power, and have G at the opposition and that could be the start of something good.

Our SC decided to undo any of the good deeds it did over the last year (maybe Santa didn't make it in time) did a double take and put our 'unwanted' back into the dark ages.
Lalu was freed and thanked all for the 'gross injustice that has been undone'. Rabri can now go back to her kitchen.
In one swipe, we have wiped away any sign that we are a free and progressive nation. Rahul might say otherwise, but I doubt if he has the gumption to take initiatives unless we protest.

In an absolute shocking (in a nice way, ofcourse) turn of events, Arvind Kejriwal won the elections at the national Capital and became its newest Chief Minister. That he ousted a chief minister who stayed in power for decades is not the highlight. That he achieved something that was virtually unimaginable just 365 days ago is what gives us the hope that we are not a nation of pushovers.
Kejriwal may not need a certificate from his blindsided rivals, but he got dumped by his former compatriot and that will hurt him for some time to come.
Voters have fought back after years of apathy and this is just the beginning. The torch has been lit and the bonfire is ready. For the first time in history, we are truly ready to be known as a nation of the young who can't wait to set right the wrongs our past has done to us.
We are ready!

But what we are not ready for is when we get stiffed abroad. Ever since 9/11, when Uncle Sam has been suspicious about our curious brown skin and curiouser names. Our celebrities have been fondled at various US airports and we have cried blue murder.
So when an Indian Diplomat was arrested, hand-cuffed and thrown into a cell with murderers, rapists and other white-skinned ruffians, we took offense. And how!

Quick flashback: Devyani Khobragade, acting Consul General and seriously hot PYT, committed visa fraud by misrepresenting facts while hiring a domestic maid from India. She underpaid the maid too and allegedly changed the terms of contract after hiring her.
Well, taken from an Indian context, this is not out of the ordinary. I can name atleast 5 people I know who treat their maids/man-servants worse.
What followed was diplomatic Armageddon. India retaliated so fast that it spun Uncle Sam's head. It was so rare, swift and profound that even our neighbors would've sat up.
What bothers me is how a diplomat from the land of Gandhi, decided to hire a nanny for her children and then treated her as a lesser mortal and how we take offense. See, what rankled our chains is that we are a nation of people where we cannot perceive our middle class being arrested and tried with impartiality. We are so used to being treated with kid-gloves, even when we know we have have done something wrong. Thus the 'anything goes' attitude we are renown for.

And then the skeletons came tumbling out of the cupboard. Apparently, with the way rules were bent during while she was training as a young IFS officer, Devyani is in the league of incredibly powerful Indian women.
Or perhaps we just wanted Uncle Sam to scratch our backs back.
So inspite of breaking the law of the land, and instead of penalizing her, we just moved her to a notch below God. We promoted her to the UN. Aren't we amazing?!

And while we exult our lawbreakers, Kim Jr executes them.
China asserted itself on international waters. Shouldn't come as a shock or a surprise to Americans who have been doing the same for decades since the last World War.

Hrithik Roshan did the split. Van Damme too.

About a year ago, when India was the epicenter of outrage against violence towards women, we all thought it would be the last time, we hear about heinous crimes. Not much has changed. In the months since, we saw grievous criminals go scot-free and others get the wink.

Singapore burned in slow flame. For a city country that seemed so perfect, the riots only proved that people can and will rise against even the most subtle forms of oppression.

For those who have everything in their lives, let's learn to give.

The past year we did have some advertisements that touched our chords, and some hard truths that we have conveniently glazed over..

If you thought education opened man's horizon of thought, think again.
True love? Here's one man's attempt to recreate the magic of his long lost wife
Have some time to kill? Here's the page to be.

Yo Yo Honey Singh, is clearly the flavor of the season. Good for him. And Beiber retired. What?! I know what you're thinking? When did he ever work? Even a semi-trained parakeet could croon better. 



 

For every blockbuster  Bollywood made, we had two duds (Read Dhoom 3).
For every well dressed celebrity, we had 3 nipple slips and convenient other peeps. 


I hope you all have a responsible New Year eve drinking responsibly, introspecting about your achievements and misses for the year that just passed, ready to accept a new year that is filled with the same hope and promise that every new morning brings.

And while you are at it, here's some food for thought -

Make all you can
Save all you can
Give all you can
Happy New Year, folks!


Monday, December 09, 2013

While you were gone: November / December 2013

'Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country' - JFK.
RIP Madiba

After years of unabated corruption and an economy that is going south faster than Obama's ratings, our unemployed but immensely talented youngsters are finally taking things into their hands.

ATM heists are passe. We now have our youngsters preying on people using the ATM. Earlier this month, a 'well-built young man..' attacked a bank manager when she was using her bank's ATM. She sustained severe head trauma when he attacked her with a machete. He later robbed her and escaped. Last heard, he is still at large. What surprises me are the following -

  1. How is it that CCTV cameras are not monitored real-time?
  2. How is it that we can't nab the culprit? Are we that incompetent? Or are we that impotent?
At the wake of this atrocity, the cops in Bangalore did what they normally do when they have a situation they have no idea how to grapple - Shut Down. Thousands of ATMs across the city shuttered and if you wanted to withdraw money, you were screwed.
But then, unlike bars and discos, ATMs are not something you can keep shuttered. So they opened. And we are none the wiser. ATMs still don't have guards and the ones that have, are senile old men on the wrong side of 60 and can't wield a gun, let alone fire one.
Happy International Men's day, anyone?

Israel was in the cross-hairs again. When will we all accept the fact that blaming Israel isn't going to change anything?
But what changed was - We cancelled the VIP helicopter deal. Big Effing Deal!
O knew that his healthcare website would crash. So tell me this. Is there ANYTHING that he hasn't been briefed on?

And if you were in the Subcontinent, you wouldn't have missed the All India All Hail Sachin bhajjan. And in the great Indian tradition of sycophancy, we tripped over eachother to award Sachin the Bharat Ratna. Seriously!
Next year, the Nobel prize.
But wait, Vishwanath Anand lost to Carlson in a rather tame match. Maybe we must stone his house and ask him to retire.

In our 'Crime This Month' section, we have Jyothi's parents raised a petition to have the juve tried under harsher laws. The SC appears to relent too. Don't hold your breath, though.
Tehelka honcho Tarun Tejpal did a Phaneesh Murthy. Epic mistake.
And out tumbled the skeletons. Some really old. How can we condone 'victims' who make a complaint years after the incident?
Across the Atlantic, Rajat Gupta challenged his $13.9 million fine.
Back home, the Talwars paid the ultimate prize for being what they were - Persistent and unrelenting. Never mind the fact that the CBI once told them they were not even suspects, the SC sentenced them to life in prison. Read 'em and weep, fellas.
And Oh! In a few years, we can also watch their ordeal in 30 mm. And why not. It has all the ingredients for a potboiler - Murder, mystery, sex, incompetent authorities, determined (stone-faced) protagonists and a trial by the people.

Pratibha Patel, arguably the worst excuse for a President, returned all official gifts that she got during her infamous tenure at the Rastrapathi Bhavan. What took her so long?

CobraPost did another sting and this time, unearthed an ugly network of IT companies willing to cultivate the social network for the right price. So that explains a lot of things now.
Bitcoin prices surged past the $1000 mark. Yay!
An enterprising Chinese thief sent 11 handwritten pages of phone numbers from an iPhone that he stole to its owner. Respect!
Scotland will finally be an independent country.
And talking about scot-free, Assange may not face any charges in America. If you ask me, Snowden looks more attractive now.
Uncle Sam, the international moral cop, flexed its muscles against China.
Everytime I think about America's diplomacy with the Orient, I remember 'Beijing 2008', a provocative painting which has been the subject of much discussion.


And the people of 'by-two coffee' went gaga when Starbucks opened its signature store in Bangalore. Okay, can we all settle down, please? Blah!
Delhi and 3 other States went to the polls and the AAP and the BJP packed off the Congress in a reply fitting a stray dog waiting to be euthanized. No offense, Priyanka.

In Bollywood news, Sanjay Leela Bhansali proved that even he can make puke colorful.
Ram Leela is the most expensive (and the longest) anti-dandruff/soft-porn/anti-gun propaganda that struggles to sell the Romeo Juliet story. That the couple kill eachother in the end is the only semblance to the 'adaptation'.
The 'romance' resembles lust, carnal lust. Surely, SLB wanted to capitalize on the real-life chemistry and he sure did. But knowing how Deepika is a gold-digger, this is one (more) on-screen chemistry she will regret in the future.
And Priyanka? She really needed the cash, I guess.
Ranveer, you've got potential. Take our advice and don't waste it!
So SLB, I'd give your 'magnum opus' a generous 1 out of 10 and that's only because you've obviously spent millions on sets. Read a more detailed review of Ram Leela by our guest blogger and movie buff Suparna here.

And so its December! The month of lists.
Stay tuned for 'Ze List 3.0'


Sunday, November 17, 2013

While you were gone: October / November 2013

Sonia is retiring. Boo Yaa! 

Okay, so Obama is the flavor of the year.

Not only did he spare us World War 3 but also saved the billions around the world from financial gloom and doom. The Senate voted to raise the debt ceiling and all is fine and dandy again. Until next year. But now, let's drink to O who's shown the initiative to clean up the mess that his white masters created!
The pure genuineness that is America - the nation of consumers. No credit please?!

Obamacare went live. Why shouldn't it?
NSA - Proof that Uncle Sam loves to read your emails. Well, atleast someone should read those awful Nigerian spams.

Beckham and Malala lost out on the Nobel. What baffles me is the choice.
One is a self-centered celebrity who is well past his sell-by date and the other - a girl whose larger than life persona and courage defies fear. The choice must have been clear but obviously, the Nobel committee couldn't care less.

Our politicians are known for their brain farts, but Kejriwal misses Anna. Aww!!
Somehow Anna reminds me of how Stone Cold Steve Austin came and fought McMahon and then vanished in the good ol' days of WWE.

Sushil Sharma, the star of such shows like 'Haan, Mein hu Congress leader'  and 'Honey, I want to tandoor you' got his life back.
The SC in its infinite wisdom decided that Sushil deserves to live. Next!
Lalu was thrown into prison and into 'relative comfort'. Now, this is how your tax rupees get spent.

So if you can't beat it, ban it. Congress moved to ban opinion polls, because they are unscientific. I agree. There never was anything scientific about the Congress.

Andra continued to cook on slow flame but nature poured cold water and then just like that, we didn't care who got what. We all ran with whatever we had and politicians had a field day bragging. O Shaddup!

A tsunami of a smaller scale hit Japan, just off the Miyagi Perfecture. Perfect!
And when nature isn't killing us, we ran amok anyway. Toll: 89.
Nature - 0. Us - 1

And as the CBI continues to drag the Talwars through the drain-pipes and sewers of the justice system, I wonder if Aarushi would've ever wanted her parents to suffer as much as they already have. The more I read, the stronger I believe they are innocent. They just need Jethmalani.

In God's Own Country, Kerala, political activists stoned, nay threw a stone that found its way to the forehead of its Chief Minister. Witty as they are, the opposition quickly announced the fact that the CM didn't require much medical attention proves that he is thick-skinned. Indeed.
And while we are still talking about skin, Malayalam TV celebrity and movie actress Swetha Menon stirred the hornets nest when she filed allegations of sexual harassment against a sitting MP. Endless montages, live debates and sarcastic innuendos later none's the wiser. Just another day in the life of an Indian woman.

Yes, we are an enchanting land. We are safe as long as you're built like a wrestler, well versed in karate, isn't too fussy about your ablations and carry all your money and valuables inside you and don't mind getting gropped everyday.
For westerners who still think Indians travel by elephants and work as professional snake charmers, do attend the Assam Rape festival.
Here's your visa on arrival.
Next on the calendar
- The Great Indian Incest fair.


And while we are working on getting more tourists, we also got an arms-laden ship from the US. So someone missed the memo there.

Air India's Dreamliner lost a belly plate enroute. I read the news and I cracked up laughing. How we haven't had a major disaster yet reinforces my belief in the supernatural, given our dismal safety and maintenance records.
But two gruesome accidents in inter-State Volvo buses and suddenly we are blaming Volvo for our human error and greed. We are like this only.
Talking about greed, no we didn't find any gold. But we got punked real nice!

If you thought spiking a drink was criminal, this young lover forced acid down his [former] girlfriend's throat.
Scene Two. A girl paid the ultimate sacrifice for love.
Back at the Capital, a BSP MP's wife was arrested for torturing and killing her maid servant.
Another State, another rape. Where's the honor in raping your own daughter? Congratulations! We are finally insensitive.

And we are many things, but rational? No, being the emotional idiots that we are now famous for, the last fortnight or so has been one big bhajjan for the god of cricket, who famously said he will not retire any time soon just a few months ago.
And thus a nation of foolhardy fools dove head first into the heady pool of sycophancy and our retailers, wholesalers and every swine in between decided to partake of this mind-numbingly boggling event in world history.
That Viswanath Anand loses to Magnus Carlsen or whether Dipika breaks into the top 3 will never matter to us.

Iran appears to be finding favor with the US. And this could be good or bad news, depending on who you ask. Personally, I think their peace is important because that means cheaper fuel bills for us.
Syria, on the other hand, is a gone case.


In this month's 'I have billions to spend' moments,
ISRO notched another brownie point after launching MOM. Your uncle couldn't have done it cheaper.
INS Sunayna
was commissioned. Won't change a thing with Pakistan. Doesn't matter to the Chinese. Now can you stop wasting my tax rupees, please?
Modi is going to build the world's largest statue of Sardar Patel. Note to all those cynical Indians who mocked Ambani for building Antila with his own money: Please protest.


And as I draw to the fag end of yet another post, here are some nuggets of wisdom:
Keep the thumping interesting with these golden rules

And our actresses do say the darnedest things


And the Bollywood cash registers had iffy month. Besharam was an embarrassment and don't even get me started on Krissh 3. Can someone please tell them that they suck.
I've never been a fan of either but I think Krissh 3 is the most atrocious non-porn, non-SRK movie that is running in theaters today.


Story of our times. 
Keep those mails coming. See you all next month!


Saturday, September 21, 2013

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 2 of 3]

Sorry folks, no hyperlinks this time..

Better sense prevailed.

Obama spared all of us another war. Syria will spend $1 billion to dismantle its chemical weapons.
The courts punished the most famous rapists in the only way it knew - Death.
Rangarajan cut GDP forecasts.
Srini punished Sree in the swiftest way known to cricket - Life ban.

Our government cheated on 1024 promises it made. Nothing official about it, eh?
Modi: First denounced his desire to become the next prime minister, was later crowned the party's prime ministerial candidate. Advani gave in to popular demand (read Modi).
Former Olympian Rajyavardhan Rathore joined politics.
A 16 year old was abducted and gang-raped by cops in J&K and a 14 year old rape victim killed herself.

Well, I never said it was all good news.

If I've learned anything from all the wars we have ever fought, then it is how leaders of our nations have acted with unilateral hate. Sometimes, as self elected representatives of civilized countries that call themselves developed, they assume an air of pseudo importance and consider it their mortal purpose to save us from imagined sins. But in doing so, they only expose their own lack of morality.
I don't think the ordinary American worries about Assad crossing the red line of gassing his own constituents. The only line the West are crossing are the thin line of double standards in humanitarian intervention.
Ordinary Americans have far graver tragedies to deal with. They live a life of incredible unpredictability. They aren't sure if they will have a job tomorrow, will end up as unwitting victims of some raged gunman, or if they can hold on to their homes.
Indian-Americans will continue to fight racism. What surprises me is not how Nina Davuluri beat the competition, but how 'patriotic' Americans sit in their moral high horse and show the world how stupid they really are. So @Granvil_Colt, @jakeamick5, @jayres15, @NateBerard, @sarawhitton, @SHANN__Wow, @Blayne_MkltRain and the thousand others who couldn't believe a land of a billion plus could possibly produce another beauty queen fit to rule the world- Go f**k yourselves. Haven't you heard about the Muslimah World pageant?

Modi promised to put Pakistan in its place, if he is elected to power. I don't know how to react to this. This has doomsday written all over it.

Marissa Meyers fears being imprisoned if her company does not hand over their user's details, anytime it is 'requested'. As the head of a major search engine, this cannot be good news, can it?
For all you staunch Lance Armstrong fans, stay away from 'The Armstrong Lie', a documentary that promises to shred any tiny bit of the aura he's retained.

Voyager 1, the interplanetary probe has left the solar system.
We have been pretty busy too. Launching an ICBM and planning an unmanned probe to Mars. Why? Are we done screwing up earth already?

Paes and Radek brought (respective) home another Grand Slam championship. Three Cheers!
Closer home, communal violence ripped apart whatever semblance of secularism we portrayed.

Ranbaxy got banned, because they found human hair. Relax, we've found worse things in our food. Besides, all this just helps build immunity.

After fighting for what seemed like a millennium, Dell is going private. Finally!

That's all the time we have for the news, folks.
Go out and enjoy the world, while it's still bright and sunny.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 1 of 3]

'Good to have a goal'
Have you ever reminisced of simpler, happier times in the past? In the future, you will think these were wonderful times too.

Our senile little Home Minister Mr Shinde, bragged of how he is going to bring each of our terrorists back to India 'one by one'. How about getting all the money your colleagues have stashed away back, eh?

Serial rapist Jaishankar broke out of the Central Jail at Bangalore. By the time I'm writing this post, our cops have caught him and they are patting themselves on their backs. So that's fodder for another episode of Breakout.
On a more 'positive' note, our juvenile rapist will be a free man in about 25 months from now.
If you thought he got off easy, the monsters at Shakti Mills had previous experience in the field.
Ariel Castro hung himself. Another easy escape for a rapist who was sentenced to 1000 years without the chance of parole.

Along with everything else, biscuit sales took the deep dive too. Which means dogs won't get their daily doze of Parle`G biscuits anymore.

In a mad rush to fix things it screwed up in time for the elections next year, the UPA seems to be bringing all sorts of oddball bills. Correct me if I am wrong, but do we really need legislation that can barely fund itself?

Thought Europe is in the midst of a recession? Right! At € 100 million, Bale is laughing all the way to the bank.
And like clockwork, the government brushed Uttarakhand underneath the carpets of our mind. With wisdom that defies logic, the government decides to stop relief work and start preparing for the next batch of visitors. No lessons learned here.

Syria. Obama's renewed zeal to fight looks vaguely familiar. He told his people Syria won't be another Iraq or Afghanistan. I'd recommend O watches 'Green Zone' .
While the US Congress has set the stage for an limited airstrike with a long list of riders, if it is WMD that the American coalition of the willing is looking for, then they are probably barking up the wrong bark. Again.
There are a lot of things that is wrong about the American urge to set things right in the Middle East. Syria may not be the foe that can bring the US down, but with the Russians and the Chinese with them, is the US biting more than it can chew?
By launching an attack, the rebels and the loyalists will unite against the common enemy and with their loyalists' promise that not even the threat of a third World War will stop them from fighting the Americans, this is one war Obama must resist.

The Malawian government has promised to feed millions out of the proceeds of selling the private jet of its former president. If we were to sell off all the ill-gotten assets of our politicians, our poor can be fed for the next 1000 years. Food for thought.
While Microsoft got Nokia, we got the KitKat. Google signed up with Nestle to market the latest Android flavor. Drool!
Zubin Mehta enchanted the valley and in true nationalistic spirit, we cried coarse and sang praises.
The IOC kicked IOA in the nuts. Ouch! That had to hurt.
If you thought superstition has been stamped out, ask Akhilesh.
And for the first time, the NY Fashion Week will feature plus-sized models. More power to the cause.
Our PM opened his mouth and out fell another nugget of wisdom - He is not the custodian of documents. This I can believe.

And in this week's 'obscure to infamy' category, Ania Lisewska of Poland has won it legs apart (pun intended). All of 21, Ms Lisewska aims to have sex with 100,000 men in her life. So either this is a time-tested way to get famous, or we have an alien running around trying to copulate a'la 'Species'.
Moral of the story: Its always good to have goals.

Au revoir


Saturday, August 31, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

Okay, folks. Stock up on food and water and say your prayers. This could be it.

We love gossip, correction - We love listening to those juicy bits. Towards that effort, we read news of how our most recently famous rapists spent their day after violating the photo-journalist and her male co-worker. One thing is sure, none of the rapists will be punished in a way that deserves their crime

While I've said this countless times before, our justice system needs an overhaul.
By sentencing the lone juve in the now infamous Delhi gang-rape for a paltry 3 years, I wonder how this will deter future rapists. Oh and by the way, our government has no more money for the Nirbhaya fund. How 'bout that!

Over the past couple of months, I've come to believe that we can't punish a person enough for his/her crimes committed here on earth or can we?

But as the cry for sterner punishment gathers momentum, I hope the SC will find it within themselves to ensure punishment is proportional to crimes. The only hurdle though is the government. Seeing as how the government does not want to let the judiciary grow to bite it in its balls, allowing the SC to link punishment with quorum of the crime will mean out-of-favor politicians get screwed too. But I digress.


While I do want the guilty punished,
I don't want the death penalty for any of the rapists. Hear me out.
I don't think hanging him/her will ever work. Death is too swift and too short for these monsters. I want a justice system that will put the guilty through the exact measure of trauma that the victims suffered. In the US, judges are allowed to decide the method and quorum of punishment, which has resulted in many curious verdicts that have both satisfied the victim and reformed the culprit, sometimes. I want rapists to suffer the shame, emotional and physical trauma and the untold agony of their victims. Why do we cover the faces of the guilty, when we love sharing the pictures (and names) of our victims? To rape is a horrible thing to do. And by sentencing them to the noose, aren't we letting them go easy?
So this is what I propose - The guilty and his/her family must suffer the fullest extent of shame, their faces publicized, their financial credit ruined, their careers destroyed and be listed as a sex criminal and predator for the rest of their natural lives. Human rights? Unless you've been raped, you won't remotely understand why victims feel their predators don't deserve leniency.

Juvenile Justice? I recently read a poll that listed Melbourne at the top of the most liveable city in the world. Its citizens felt safe, secure and happy.
And then a couple of days later, I read about a 10 year old girl who raped a 6 year old boy. The girl was promptly packed off to jail for 3 days and is now standing trial. I'll let those who oppose juvenile justice marinate in this for a while.

Over to politics, Jagan - Hero of the masses, closet Billionaire, went on indefinite strike over Telangana. Once upon a time, Anna went on an indefinite fast too. Now, he just visits touristy places in the US.

SC spoke 'No more beacons for VIPs', yet we had to sacrifice on the Whistle-blower Act. Atleast we got Bhatkal, eh? Some victory.

Several years ago, when I lost my driver's license, I visited the issuing RTO. After 3 hours of 'searching', I was told my file is missing. Not one to let go, I slipped Rs 50 to the attendant and they found my file in 5 minutes flat. Just like that!
So when our government reported several files were missing, that is the same shit as 'the dog ate my homework'.

In other inane political news, Sonia and her cronies passed the Food Security Bill and the Land Acquisition Bill. Sonia fainted in parliament (could be a sign from the heavens), Vadra become a 'small' farmer and politicians in Karnataka are working up the mayonnaise while at office.

With fingers on their triggers, Syria is on a tag team match with the US and its allies of the willing. And oh, if you wondered what they meant by that, then its countries that prostrate themselves before Uncle Sam.
On the Syrian side, we have Iran, Russia and China. Heavyweights that can pin America down on any given day.
Uncle Sam said - 'They've used chemical weapons'. Gee! Haven't you heard that before?! But hey! For countries that don't learn shit from earlier misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan, and from movies like Black Hawk Down, history will (in the words of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson) layeth the smacketh down.

So maybe, now could an excellent time for Obama to listen to his people. The same people who voted him to power on a wafer thin margin, believing in his many promises.
Americans: Do you actually think there is anything like a limited strike? If anything you shouldn't let your president make you believe you can come out of this smelling like roses.
Iran and Russia will not take this lightly. As Uncle Sam steps into much camel-shit, another conflict in the Middle East will be the beginning of the End.

Balmer announced his retirement. Wall St. jumped like an eager pup. Curb your enthusiasm, guys!

Google is building its own cars. But we'll need the Mars rover for our roads.

A bunch of Hindu pilgrims thought they could just flag down a train by standing in the track. This would have been roadrunner cartoon funny if it weren't for the sheer human tragedy.

Loved one died recently? Don't hurry with the funeral.

Bradley wants to become a woman. See! This is what happens when you leak secrets. Snowden, you might want to clarify your stand on this.

'Ass'aram Babu
has been accused of raping a minor. Wait! This shit happening again?! I just hope he doesn't say he is sterile like some of those other yogis regularly do.

Watching cartoons is bad. Bugs Bunny will be filing a lawsuit soon.

Anil Ambani suffered from selective memory loss. Why he doesn't forget the PIN codes for his ATM cards baffles me.

And tomorrow is payday? Cherish every rupee you get. It isn't going to last long.

And Poonam. Personally, I am amazed how you beat millions of other sperms to the egg. You are without a shadow of a doubt, the most shallow, stupid 'sell-a-brity' India has known. I highly recommend you sign up for Mars One and get the hell out of here.

Saving the best for last, Miley Cyrus grew up, and how! On second thoughts, I'm not so surprised, because she lost it when she put up a song announcing her exit from Twitter. As if!


Sunday, August 11, 2013

While you were gone: August 2013 [Part 1 of 3]

The past week, politicians felt foolish.
I said 'Go with the feeling'.

A 22 year old JNU student did a Freddy Krueger and killed himself. And that's how urban legends are born, thank you.

And it looks like one of my wishes came true! Smarting from the accounting frauds at Satyam a few years ago, the government finally signed into law The Companies Act, 2012, which makes it mandatory for companies among other things to be involved in Corporate CSR. Now, the real work should be in the details. The Act should specify who and what could be the benefactors of this largesse.

If you thought you've achieved everything in life after you've settled into that expensive new home that you will be slogging your butts off to pay the mortgages for the next 20 years, think again. This family left their home and returned to find a pile of rubble. No earthquake this. All in a day's work for land sharks and petty politicians.

Snowden settled into Russia. O said Snowden is no patriot and cancelled his meeting with Putin. How mature!
Okay, so he promised more transparency into such surveillance, but that was not what he originally said, was it? By defending his government's classified programs to monitor people and their communications, he has inadvertently eroded much of the goodwill and trust that his people and his allies had on his country. The truth could be that common Americans are either too terrified or too busy to bother. But let's face it - 20 years after the Cold War, Russia is still that speck in Uncle Sam's eye.

Iran got a new puppet. While Mr Rouhani has a lot on his plate, one thing is sure - Its all uphill from here.

Indians (the ones who didn't have much else to fight about) still fought over Durga like a bunch of hyenas. She got the support from her fellow bureaucrats.The SC spoke. Mrs G put in a word. But I think this is ironic on so many levels mainly because she is named after a Hindu goddess. Brush aside all the noise, it is clear to see how all of this is just a diversionary tactic, a sleight of hand that will cover up other scams  that happen. Khemka, anyone?

Doctors revolted. For a profession that promises to serve selflessly, I am surprised why we are even allowing them to protest.

A few years ago, when I was flying to Srilanka, a co-passenger next to me was filling up the transit form when he had to mention which port he was going to disembark at. He paused for a few seconds, and then wrote 'Airport'. Well, obviously he didn't expect to land at a seaport, or was he just referring to some of our Indian airports that become flooded? After Delhi, it was Kochi.

While some of Micromax's ads peddle the Canvas smartphones, the owners of the company are living the credo when they were caught bribing. Say it with me, folks - You Can Do Anything!

For better or worse, Yahoo has decided to shed its skin. Maybe they should set they inflated egos aside and sell themselves to Microsoft already.

And in the main byte of the week, Indian soldiers got ambushed and killed (yet again) by terrorists and men in Pakistani army clothes (WOW!).
India: 'This is unacceptable'. Pakistan shuddered.
Our Defense Minister suffered from verbal diarrhea and ended up with more spoiled fish-moilee curry than he could've imagined. The Opposition pounced on shortie like NFL players trying to block the touchdown. Antony ate humble pie. Apology accepted and everyone went home a happy man.
To the question- When are we going to grow some balls and retaliate, the answer is - When hell freezes over and decides to ban chicken tikka masala from its menu.

Our politicians are intellectually and politically impotent to strike when the iron is hot. And I have a theory (albeit a borrowed one) about why -
When a country like ours (nuclear armed yada yada) strikes first, it loses its morality and pity factor. Unlike the US, no matter how right we are we are too scared to be 'in the bad books'. Instead what we love doing is wait for our neighbors to strike us and strike us hard so that we can enjoy the outpouring of support, both financially and logistically, that our NRIs and the West are known for. Surely, a first strike will hurt but the rush of support that we will end up getting is something that our neighbors are wary of.
So as long as Pakistan fires a few thousand shells, kills a couple of soldiers here and there and doesn't wipe the Deccan Plateau clean, they know it will be okay with us.

But just in case you were wallowing in self-pity and remorse, Mr PM reminded us that we are one of 6 countries in the world that is capable of destroying other countries. Enter INS Arihant. Mr Singh finished his quota of words for the month of August and shall not speak until September. Theek Hai.

'Dawood Ibrahim is not in Pakistan'. Yeah, and I suck at English.
Hafiz Saeed wished India Eid Mubbarak in his special little way. We shuddered. Now, imagine if he actually comes marching towards Delhi.

Bad year for the Kardhashians? Actually not. Any news is good news for a lady (and siblings) whose only claim to fame is a 'leaked' sex tape and 'made for TV' marriage.

Buy your Samsung Galaxy phones while they are still around. Judging by the way, Apple has been hunting Samsung down, I think we are heading towards Armageddon. Or you could simply switch.

Chennai Express.
Couple of things are clear-
SRK is on his way out. And how!
Deepika really needed the money because I don't know why else she would still be acting.
And the makers of this movie might have really hated the pair. In the 2 plus hours that you are trapped in the theater, you are wondering what atrocity SRK and Deepika could have done to Rohit Shetty and Co. that he deliberately wanted to screw them both. And they actually smiled through the promotions?!
Deepika, let me give you the same sane advice I gave Ms Leone. Get into an acting class. Date a rising star and get married. Stop acting. It isn't working for us.
If we ever had anything like the Razzies, Chennai Express would sweep all the categories unanimously. Absolute and Total Trash. Avoid it like the bubonic plague.

Salman K became the most searched celebrity online. Take that, Poonam Pandhey.
Paying tribute to our ideals of beauty and wanton materialism, we crowned the best dressed celebrities. Take a bow!

And here's something else to chew on- Our national bird, CBI didn't break free and for good reason. Hindi is not our national language and Hockey is not our national game. Aren't we great!

'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro'  - Hunter S. Thompson.


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

While you were away: July 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

When politicians provide us much self-deprecating humor, bloggers like me can't ask for more. I had to wipe the drool off.

China, got a little taste of Pakistan. Unfortunately, the Chinese aren't as great with bombs as their trigger-happy neighbors are. Or he just wanted to screw his life up.
Talking about being trigger-happy, our army decided to unload their ammo at some civilians in the God-forsaken country of J&K. All.Hell.Broke.Lose.

Meanwhile, couple of timezones away, O urged resilience and introspection. The verdict just proves how divided the United States of America really is. While I can definitely say the country has a lot of spirituality, what the community lacks is the togetherness that some of the greater civilizations had. They may have great churches that hold a lot of influence but deep down, they are really not that different from the rest of us.

Obama is visibly struggling to hold the fabric together, but back home, we just got a new State- Telangana.
At the wrong end of 60, India looks older than she really is. Politicians have peddled her like a prized prostitute to the highest bidder over and over again, and then used her to cover up their sins. Telangana can best be compared to impregnating the grandma just so that the husband's affair with the maid servant won't be discovered.. We have no excuse, no reason, no logic. We however have millions of illiterate, gullible people following politicians who are really smart about all the wrong things.
But on the brighter side. we will soon have 50 States. And then we will be known as the United States Of India.

If you thought kids said the zaniest things, you're wrong. Our politicians and businessmen hold that title here.


In what can be categorized as incredibly swift, 6 men who raped a Swiss tourist in March this year, were tried and jailed. None of the other desi victims will see justice. 

Moral of the story: It pays to be Swiss.
A few clicks away, Dubai made a mockery of rape. Who won?!

Shashi Tharoor, former UN diplomat and politician known to suffer from verbal diarrhea spoke: "English has been an asset for India. It is perhaps the only worthwhile thing we gained from the colonial experience. And in a country that is as vast and diverse as ours, it is very good to have a language like English to link us together, to link all parts of the country together where no part feels disadvantaged,". I don't think he knew Telangana was going to happen


In one of the biggest bubbles that popped, the Motor City of America - Detroit, went kaput! Indians felt the ripples and seeing as how have been eyebrow-deep shit for quite a while now, Bangalore isn't too far behind.


Someone must ask the Supreme Court to stop creating laws it can't enforce. Another victim succumbed to an acid attack by a man who was smitten by her. I won't ask that he be killed. I rather have him suffer a slow painful life. I'm inviting email suggestions on ideas I can add to how I will lead India.


China showed off her horsepower. India held another meeting. Great!
A bunch of Paki lunatics aka Clerics banned women from shopping alone. Wonderful! I am beginning to think the clerics actually want to punish men who hate shopping.


Bihar has always been the hillbilly of India. But no more. It's raining gold in Bihar!
While jewelry shops are still making hay while the gold shines, RBI tightened its grip. ARGH!
The most over-rated royal family got a new heir to the throne. Epic Yawn!
All hail the royal pain in the arse- future King George. So when are we going to tell him about Jacintha?

And in news that would prompt an exodus of men, Japanese advertisers decided to advertise their brands on the thighs of women who wore mini-skirts. And here's the immigration guidelines

As our 'underweight' economy continues its downward spiral, our government called on its NRIs to bail the rest of us out. No Strings Attached. How noble! But hey, you can still get a full meal for Rs 12/- plus tips. Politicians tripped over eachother and the rest of us ranted about how out of touch with reality Raj Baboon er.. Babbar is, I think he was just talking about paying $12 for a meal. Honest mistake, you see.
But that's okay. Iran stood up.

Yesteryear hottie and former B-grade Bollywood actress, Mamata Kulkarni showed the rest of us how you'll end up if you don't shape those brows and use that age-defying skin creams. Monster mono-brow alert!

Someone once told - 'It's good when people hate you. It shows they are obsessed about you'. O got 65  letters urging him to not let M in. As if!

And for anyone who said Indians don't have a iota of humor, a Mumbai restaurant showed it off in style. More power to satirists, I say.


You have to love Ireland! They hate abortions. But Godless marriages? Sure, mate!
Meanwhile, Modi and Rahul are turning into the Obama and Romney of India. Only worse. While it is almost sure one of the two demons will get to rule us (and probably ban this blog) in the future, that is where the similarities end. Neither of them have credentials worthy of being called a Statesman. They are both corrupt beyond comparison, have the unmistakeable scent of blood on their hands and lack the IQ or the imagination to guide us.

Almost on cue, India saw another disaster - Thousands of impoverished school children died after eating mid-day meals that were poisoned. Politicians pointed fingers at each other and eventually found a scapegoat. A week into the tragedy, everyone's forgotten about the plight of thousands of parents who lost the apple of their eyes.

And we latched on to Amartya Sen. Poor chap bit off more than he could chew. Whats a Nobel Laurette gotta do to be respected in his own country, huh? Our dirty-as-the-sewer-rat politicians flicked their forked tongues and Amartya regretted the day he woke up and decided to say all that he said.

Durga Shakti Nagpal, lifted the skirts of ugly Indian politicians. Hell hath no fury like the scorn of the spurned IAS officer.

Dell didn't get the deal. What bothers me is why Micheal Dell would want to take it private to restructure?

Snowden did a cameo and it looks like it might be a long rough Russian winter for the former NSA hacker. Merry Christmas, Snow(den)!

Poonam Pandhey got her first movie. Finally! Take my advice and spare yourself the torture. There is much better porn online. Don't google for it either or she might even say that she is the most googled actress in the world. Epic Fail!


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