Showing posts with label Olympics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Olympics. Show all posts

Friday, August 19, 2016

An Open Letter to Shobhaa De

Dear Salacious Auntie,

Ok. It's been a while since I last wrote a scathing post and God knows I've resisted the temptation.
No More!

Shobhaa De! For a lady whose Wikipedia page describes as a columnist famous for writing juicy gossip about inane people and 'depicting sex in fiction', you do realise that you need to stay relevant and in the news, for any news is good news for you. Even ones that could paint a bulls-eye on your pale-skinned Indian bottom. 
And I appreciate the fact that you have been able to stay in the news. Bravo for that!
You did manage to get your name trending. Good Job! 
You are the shrivelled poster-auntie of SEO specialists. 
You are the dream of every C-grade 'actress' and 'have-beens' and 'well-trieds'.

Now, we know that you have taken on the mantle of the Great Indian Dream and declared yourself as the Saviour of Indian dignity, but your tweets are the literal equivalent of a half-digested, worm-filled turd that street dogs (sorry dogs, no offence) pass. 
When you said what you said in your now infamous tweet, you just expelled your half-digested, worm-infested turd onto yourself. 


Of course, you are partially correct. Not everyone makes a living like you do. 
Olympics is one of those sporting events that have retained its intent and glory. 
Olympics is the only arena that tests the best of the best. The only event where professionals compete with amateurs and only the best man or woman win. 
Olympics is the only sporting event which hosts more countries and their best athletes in more disciplines than you can possibly think of. 
Of course, I realise none of this matters to you, because if gossiping was an Olympic sport, you'd still not get past the heats. Pity!

Our athletes and sportspeople aren't going to get as many medals as the Chinese or the Americans. They probably will never get there in our lifetimes. And do you know why?
Its is because of people like you. 
It is because of people who hire people like you.
It is because of people who drool at your tweets.
It is because of people like you who would rather tweet about the problem than come up with meaningful solutions.

A couple of decades ago, there was a TV show on cable that showcased children who would train in a particular sport/discipline to compete professionally. 
While I can't remember the name anymore, I used to watch it religiously and marvel at the amount of training, dedication, the pain and the sacrifice they had to endure to become the best. While they were still children. I was astounded! 
Ofcourse, I was abroad at that time and my perception of how India was very similar to what yours is now. Childish, impish and immature. 
But having lived in India for the last 20 years, I've seen the struggles and the challenges, the fruit of victory and the pain of defeat closely.
As a college student, I've competed in swimming competitions and it was unscrupulously bureaucratic. 
Apart from the 1% of the athletes at the top, no one (and I repeat NO ONE) ever ever gets the respect they deserve, the support they need and the security they crave 
Indian sportspeople are a ridiculed lot. Correction: Barring cricketers, sportspeople from every other discipline are neglected and shunned. 
Read Arjun Chandur's answer to What if Michael Phelps was born in India? on Quora
Our bureaucracy and writers like you may not break bones, but you sure can break their spirit. 
And in case they do survive you and the bureaucracy, and make it to the Olympics, they will still suffer from our public apathy. Walk into any one of the SAI facilities in a city of your choice. You'll notice that they don't even have a decent working toilet. The facilities are less than international standards and the coaches, nevermind.

Don't be surprised if they can't make it to the quarterfinals. Be thankful if they do.
They have already surprised themselves by getting better than 50 other athletes who are the best in their country. 
If they do win a medal, any medal, celebrate them. Fete them for sure and when the party moves on, encourage them to grow and reach greater heights.  
If they don't win a medal, don't pounce on them because it wasn't their fault in the first place. They did give their best shot. Read Sportskeeda's answer to What is the "Vault of Death" and why is to so controversial? on Quora

We have never been a country who liked any other sport anyway. Olympics even less!
Heck, come to think of it, we are so confused about what sport to support. We think Hockey is our national game, but na. It isn't. Cricket is played by a handful of nations and we still manage to lose the World Cup!
Which leaves Kabbadi and well.. Chess. Neither of which are Olympic sports yet. 

See, Auntie, the problem is not them. The problem is clearly people like you. 
I challenge you to try a sport. Any sport. And excel in it. Get to the Olympics and get a medal. I dare you, double dare you. Nope. I know you won't. You can't.
It's far too easier for a lady who is long past her prime, to sit in that recliner and play thumb-wars with your tweet-happy fingers and ruffle people like me. 
It's easier to google for salacious pictures of Jwala Gutta and Sania Mirza than it is to go out and practice a sport 5 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Finally, to sum all this up, Auntie, in the words of The Rock 'It doesn't matter what you think... because you can take the batteries out of your smartphone, lube it up turn that sum bitch sideways and stick it strait up your candy ass!'.


Sunday, April 06, 2014

And that's the way the cookie crumbled ... until now [2014]

Well, that was some Q1, wasn't it!

Arvind Kejriwal came in with a bang, and left at the same speed he came. He cried hoarse and we all sympathized with him.
So what if he isn't in power, his stock has only gone north since. Armchair campaigners everywhere are sitting up and googling him to their heart's content. They say he will be the best PM India can ever have. Sigh! Thousands said the same thing about our beleaguered Singh a few years ago.

In other familiar news, a 28 year old Mumbai girl was raped and left for dead by Pramod Upadhyaya, the night watchman at her own apartment complex.
A couple of clicks away, a homemaker in Mumbai was raped and filmed. What followed will shock your senses - The rapist's wife saw the video and went back and blackmailed the victim. The victim promptly killed herself.
And finally, a 17 year old girl escaped on the way to her 6th wedding in Hydrabad, to an Arab sheikh. I'll leave you to google the sh*t out of these 3 stories.
And I am pretty sure our government is sipping the good stuff right from the pond, in statistics that will either make you proud, or cringe in pain (depending who you are), India has the lowest non-partner sexual violence in the world.
But if you are a female (of any age) and would like to avoid getting raped, please listen to our beloved Asha Mirge of the National Women's Commission and 'Check your body language...'.
I'll now let you marinate in these nuggets of wisdom.

But not all was lost, the Shakti Mills dual rape set a precedent and the rapists got the noose. No, don't celebrate. Not yet.

In tragedies normal yet avoidable, an overcrowded ferry sunk off the coast of the idyllic islands of Andamans. 21 were killed. Many of them honeymooners. It is a sheer atrocity that we are citizens of a country let tragedies like this repeat.

So what if the government thinks a large percentage of us are dispensable resources, the SC did a second guess and ruled that gay sex is illegal.
But if you think you'll need acid anytime in the future, better buy them in bulk now before the deadline allowing sale of acids over the counter comes into force. News is that acid is literally flowing over the counters these days and the suppliers are laughing all the way to the acid factory.


Our western arch-rival cum estranged twin went to the headmaster and complained that we are getting more golden stars than him. Now, repeat after me - AWWWWWW

Our MPs might have lost the red beacons but they sure are flying in style in the land of maharajas. The Committee of Privileges (they even have a committee for that?!!) decried that all private airlines must allow MPs and their coterie the dignity of a maharaja. You think?!

And Microsoft launched the Chastity bra. Great! I just hope it doesn't hang (no pun intended) and give you the BSOD. 

Talking about Microsoft, Indians' came one step closer to world domination. We got our boy 'elected' as the king and CEO of MS. And we couldn't stop talking about how proud we were that we didn't give him (and thousands like him) the creative and academic nourishment here in India, so that he ended up having to go abroad. Brain drain, anyone?

In another case of brain drain, Americans got fed up with Beiber. Finally! They got 50,000 signatures asking Beiber to be deported. Epic!

Our shy and reticent Defense Minister, AK Antony came back from vacation, answered all his emails and got to work. And how!

The land of a billion, sent 3 athletes and 4 officials to the Winter Olympics at Sochi, Russia. Go figure.

Malya, the king of good times, surely knows how to give the tough run too. It appears that banks won't recover even a third of what they lend to the beleaguered airline. Gee, I so like it when one of my predictions come true.

Srini Saar got ICC but lost the BCCI. So folks of the Western World, this is how we are. We just can't let go!

And if you thought we only discriminate against Pakistanis, you are wrong. We cannibalize our own too. Nido Tania became the latest statistic of our hatred towards people who don't look like the rest of us. Delhi went into 'Kill the Chinky' mode. Chaos!

Li Na, one of the only top seeded Tennis player from Asia who actually wins tournaments and is easy on the eye(pun intended at you, Sania) won another tournament. Saina did us proud too! Girl Power!

Yuvi sold himself for a prince's ransom - at Rs 14 crores, he is Bangalore's newest blue eyed boy in IPL 7. Who said Malya doesn't have money? In your face, Kingfisher staffers, In your face!

Bloodbath at IBM! So was at Thomson Reuters, and a dozen other companies that wanted to shed those extra calories.

Penguin stripped The Hindu. No, not in Gotham. The pen was traded for the greenbacks and the fanatics. Being the pacifist people that we writers are, the most we will do is - take a hike.

Selfies became all the rage. And poor Leonardo Di Caprio didn't even get himself into the most famous selfie. He is as jinxed as Sreeshanth!

So we know that India is a land of glorious opportunities. Who you know is what matters.
Let me present to you the story of 2 princes -
Tarun Tejpal, convicted of rape and packed off to jail.
Shashi Tharoor, thrice married and probably the luckiest widower alive! Wife #3 dies in mysterious circumstances. Autopsy revealed several injuries and a couple that proved fatal. The man has neither been jailed on circumstances nor being investigated. The staffer that discovered the body quit her job and has been unreachable. Is it just me or does this stink of a coverup? Whatever it is, Aarushi's parents would've loved to use the Shashi Tharoor privilege card.

In Europe, Crimea burned. Russia took back its prodigal son and turned the dial back 20 years.
And Facebook got Whatsapp. So now Zuckerberg is responsible for the 50% of the time we waste every day.
Saharashree Subrata ran out of his 'Get out of jail Free' cards and was thrown into jail. He now plans to ask his 'faithful-as-a-dog' employees to raise his bail money. Where do you get people like this?

And its election fever - every political scumbag worth their black money wants to become the next Prime Minister.

Malaysia Air, the airline that boasts of being the finest in Asia, lost one of its planes and all on-board. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Malaysian PM declared that the aircraft crashed with no survivors, offering no proof of the crash. WOW!
But wait, this just gets better. The authorities want the crisis to settle down so that it won't affect the Grand Prix. Malaysia is Truly Asia!
Back home in India, our $133 million C130 crashed. That's coming straight out of our pockets.
And a local bus was lost, and found. Because, we are that amazing?

The chief minister of Karnataka woke up from his slumber and declared that he would commission the world's tallest statue here in Bangalore. Great! The government may not have money to pay its civic agencies but has plenty to pour in a pissing match with Modi.
Both of you, take a page from these slum girls. They raised thousands of dollars to fund a free library of books for underprivileged children from the Dharavi slum. Take a bow, scumbags. Take a bow.

In other news, Blade Runner Pistorius is in sh*t deeper than his prosthetic can hold him up from.
The makers of RayBan will soon manufacture Google Glass.
Sunny Leone did some justice to Bollywood and did what she does best, In Ragini MMS 2. Cheers to Horrex!


Khushwant Singh (99) passed away. His humor will live longer..
Muthalik was in and out of BJP faster than his disciples could say Attack! No regrets, eh Old Man?!
Egypt sentences over 530 to death. There goes another democracy!
And if you are a girl studying in a school in UK, feel free to pick up a condom before you head home and a morning-after pill when you get back in the morning. The story of our times, eh?

Finally, we truly are a nation of people who are always thinking of saving money. Listen to this - an American boy of Indian origin has proposed to the American government to change the fonts on their documents and save $400 million. So this means they can now save more of the money they don't have.

So this is how the cookie crumbled this year. We had a pretty strong start to another glorious year. With the FIFA World Cup and the IPL round the corner, I could continue to keep you entertained.

See you all soon!


Thursday, February 28, 2013

While I was gone... [February 2013]

So it appears that childhood is indeed the best time of your life, if you are an Indian man, that is. You can rape, confine, pillage and plumb a rod up her vagina or down her throat and no one can throw the book at you. Ahh! that golden age of juvenile innocence so beautifully protected by the high-priests of our noble country. Why would any boy want to hurry through childhood anymore?
While there were lone screams to lower the juvenile age, by the time I'm writing this post, those voices were nothing more than a whimper.
The 'Delhi gang-rape' mega-serial started and the five bastards pleaded 'not guilty'. In the words of Judge Dread 'I knew you'd say that'.
Jyothi's male friend, who was attacked himself, testified against the 6 bastards.
If you ask me, I think 'Delhi gang rape' must be included in the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary for 'Any incident that creates an illusion of change and revolution but does absolutely nothing'.

But I wouldn't blame them for the sudden swing. We had our American Born Confused Desi, Ms Sunny Leone, the object of every Indian male's pride and titillation, tweet that rape was not a crime but just surprise sex. I am quite sure every person who read this tweet would have had images of Sunny buck naked, with her legs spread wide open, getting drilled in places I cannot mention here, while moaning 'Oh yeeeeah... c'mon... give it to me.... ahhh...yesssssss'. Too late to deny this, so wipe that drool off the corner of your mouth.

Waiting for some 'surprise sex'
Sunny didn't realize how we hung onto her (tweets) and deleted the statement but the damage was already done. Her former tweet was picked up and millions of people who had nothing else to write, re-tweeted it. She went about accusing and threatening everyone who accused her of having said this. Big mistake, sweet-cheeks. The rest as they say is history.
I can't imagine how any woman can say this. But then I can also imagine how happy Sunny will really be if she gets raped. That would be her darkest fantasies cumming true, so yes, when we see the statement from her perspective, we shouldn't really trouble her too much. What we must do is welcome her with open arms (and nothing else, mind you) and let her live a normal life in Delhi. Chances are, she will live a full-filled life then and we can continue to enjoy her movies.

In other rapes around the country that made us more blink, a 40 year old man raped his neighbor. Now, what's stopping the law from hanging the middle aged bastard? Oh yeah, he is Didi's land.
And while we are at it, can someone please tell our rapists that they are not supposed to sentence their victims to death?

In happier times...

We showed everyone the speed at which we can crawl when the government got a report out in top speed. And that is about all the good news I have for you today. The report didn't criminalize marital rapes. So that just about saved the asses of about 60% of the husbands who rape and otherwise brutalize their wives. Keeping with our traditions, we all got our multilingual, multicolored placards out and the opposition (well, they are supposed to oppose, aren't they?) opposed. The government defended the ordnance quote-unquote 'there was an urgent need for this law'. Really?! You just realized that now?? 

Our cities are so unsafe that not even Chinese women, who are otherwise used to the perverts in China, are unsafe. China gave a diplomatic tight slap when it demanded India ensure safety of their women. Can it get any worse? 
Let's hope this ordnance brings relief to former victims too. And there was some glimmer of hope  and an online campaign. Ironically, we don't seem to be the only country grappling with heinous crimes against women. South Africans mourned the deaths of a 17 year old girl who suffered at the hands of the same brand of bastards and the murder of Oscar 'the blade runner' Pistorius's girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp

We all forgot about the sinking economy, which the BJP was very kind enough to remind. Gee! Thank you, Mr BJP!
And suddenly everyone has started warming up to the PM-in-waiting. What a suck-up! But the Congress didn't really like it. Grow up, guys!

Talking about urgent need of laws, where was the long arm of the law when Muslim men threatened to rape the girls of 'Pragaash' if they don't stop singing? What the Eff is the problem with us? We profess the need to protect our women and we keep our fingers on our lips when they are threatened by a bunch of effing bastards, who in my opinion should really be hunted down and killed.

As if Bad News Bobby wasn't giving us enough to worry about, a top nuclear scientist from our estranged twin declared their nukes were unsafe. While this could have been really bad news, both of us can be happy that Indians are not as trigger happy as the Americans. And I guess it is also because the Pakis will have to first decipher their Chinese manuals before they can launch them.
But when Zardari and son moved into a bullet proof home, it's time the mere mortals begin to worry.

Shilpa Shetty, former B grade Bollywood wannabe and current hmm.. well, its hard to tell what she is good at. But that didn't deter the young at heart oldie Suresh Kalmadi, from the CWG fame and a guy who's got selective short-term memory, from having his wish fulfilled. Naughty boy!


Kingfisher Airlines posted 'yet' another loss. Duh! Its not like they were the Apple of the skies anyway.
Iran launched its own version of the 5th generation fighter. Commendable!
They managed to create one inspite of the incredible odds (read The entire West) against them and we have been trying to work on one for the past 20 years. Surely, it would have been easier if we would've just greased the palms of a few Italians/Indians, huh? Caught with its hand in the cookie jar, and even as the government has promised to cancel all tainted deals, foreign leaders are queuing up to make a fast buck. From one scam to another, our government looks like a drunk swaying through the corridors of power.

Eygpt! Again. Gosh! 

Syria, from a country that as picturesque as it was, it has now turned into a battlefield. The light at the end of the tunnel is as distant as it was 2 years ago but no-ones the wiser.

O continued to press for tougher gun laws. Keep up the good work, Mr Prez! Don't let this die like your other reforms.


While O was trying to save lives, our Prez seems to have found a penchant to hang. Afzal Guru was finally hung and India broke into a sweat. Perhaps it could have been the manner in which he was hung or perhaps it was way for the Congress to earn a quick brownie point before they are rooted out of power next year.

Wrestling was thrown out of the Olympics  and India and the World erupted. So that's six less medals for India.

Russia got a glimpse of how the End will come, when God decided to throw a short pitch. Half the world gasped in awe and fear. Indian politicians and businessmen barely flinched. Only a meteor strike over Switzerland can make them sweat.

Hyderabad had it bad. Couple of questions:

  • Why must people die to make a statement?
  • What the eff is the government doing?
And IIPM showed how it is a sore looser. 
It had the government block about 100 sites, included a few of its own, that spoke the truth about the fraud that is IIPM. Hey Arindam! I think IIPM is the biggest sign of corporate fraud that can happen in India. I dare you to block my post. Thankfully, our hackers returned the favor and hacked his site too. Score!

That's All, Folks!
Good Night and God Bless!


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