Showing posts with label Pakistan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pakistan. Show all posts

Sunday, July 07, 2013

While I was away : June 2013 [Part 2 / 2]

Spoiler Alert: You are being watched!

The world has changed much since my last post, so let's get started on the wonderful times of our lives.

Let's start by saying Obama is the most powerful man on Earth.

Who said Indians are not tech-savvy? We raise our kids, and they have kids who hack into our computer systems. What do I say?! Heaven must be missing some angels.

Paris, Wacko Jackson's beautiful daughter attempted to kill herself. Whoever said money can buy everything should be dunk in puke.

PRISM. Finally, we know Hollywood is not all fiction.
Our protagonist ran like a headless chicken. Right into the unwelcome hands of unwilling nations. What is ironic are the double standards. Uncle Sam, of freedom and equality; The Rest of the World, of the same. If the US didnt have anything to fear (or hide) why would they hunt down the former NSA contractor like he was a common hacker that he is! What is troubling is how the agency that certified Snowden and the company that hired him failed to do the right levels of background verifications and checks and missed the red flags.

Assange, if you thought India was the safest place for you. We think you lost your marbles after being on the run for so long. Ditto with Snowden.
Ladies, gents or any self-respecting individual will stay the hell out of Bengal as we watch Ms Motormouth run the State (which is already in doldrums) right into the drain.

Another 'celebrity' that ran straight into trouble and out of luck was Mush. He came down to rule and ended up with a headlock from hell. One thing's clear- He aint going anywhere, soon.

Amazon reached India. And somewhere down the line, American businesses felt we were not playing fair. Gee! They went crying to papa.
Maruti shut down their factories, in the face of piling inventories. Touche`.

Kalmadi. You gotta give it up to him. Like Poonam Pandhey, he managed to stay relevant too. If only he had a pair of boobs and some cleavage, he would have never ended this way.

The Kundras got thrown out of the IPL. Srini complained in the uniquely Indian way that we are known for. India won the Champions trophy and we all forgave the Sins of BCCI.
Sreeshanth got bail and lost his wicket. Atleast marriage might straighten the boy out.

Ambani promised to pull another rabbit out of his hat.
And we got to read more letters from Jiah. Great! Poor Poor Suraj.

Pharmas swallowed bitter pills

Mr Singh raked up quite the bill traveling cattle class.

While we won't let our childless couples adopt a child, we could let a pedophile adopt one.
Women were raped (again) in a moving car. Ringing any bells here, SC?

Advani put his foot down and threw a spanner into the spokes. BJP got on their knees and he finally relented.

Nature rewrote some of the mistakes we did in Uttarakhand. What's amazing is how our politicians fought for a piece of the pie. It was angelic to see politicians beat each other up with words and (mis)deeds.In all these, they proved that Indian politicians are both gaseous sycophants and rumbling baboons.

Can we learn some lessons from our tragedies and not repeat disasters?
Maybe we can all take a lesson from the outgoing emir of Qatar.

The Indian economy did the tizzy into the bottomless pit of worries and gold jewelry shops are packing 22 to the dozen.
Oh and the government does not want you to watch any more porn either*.
The message is clear - We are screwed.

We really need to learn to take a hint, when immigration rules tighten, it is time to scrap those plans to go West.

In weirdo world, we'll get to taste breast milk-flavored lollipops soon.
Passengers traveling the domestic airline GoAir will have more eye candy in the future.

Kanye got lampooned as he compared himself to Steve Jobs. Well, I am sure Steve is turning in his iGrave.
Gallivanting across Europe after leaving his heavily pregnant wife, Kim took it like a pro. And then gave birth. Good for her.

While Delhi got a sea port, Dubai is all set to become the city of architectural wonders as it added another feather to its cap with the Cayan Tower.

In the end, this is true - Obama is not the most powerful man in the world. It is the anonymous (wo)man.
It is the men and women who dared-
to tell the truth, to do the most unselfish act, to be the change.

For all those who think America is the most powerful country in the world, they are looking at the wrong continent all together.
China is the new America.

*This rule, like many, is not applicable to politicians.


Sunday, May 19, 2013

While I was celebrating... May 2013 [1/2]

I'm nuts about May!!
I think it's because growing up, that was when my summer vacations started. And for a boy who loved getting covered in mud and the sheer thrill of adventure, May was the month.


This was also the month of some of the craziest and insaneiest things we did.
After marathons and walk-a-thons, some of us decided we needed to shag a lot and many of us used our hands and imaginations to good use in Philly. Now, to save you the trouble of searching, I've researched and found that the world record for the longest session is held by a Japanese guy who imagined his girlfriend, family, friends and co-workers to keep him stimulated for 9 hours and 58 minutes. Family?! Yew
And Porn got a healthy thumbs up too! Researchers in the Netherlands (?!) claim that porn is positive. Really?! Why don't we have studies like that in India?


In other weird news from across the planet, Jacko's problems simply refuse to die and a school in Washington closed today due to great weather.
The UN threw its weight on repealing the much maligned AFSPA in Kashmir and the North East. One of the reasons why our army will get away with this is because the huge majority of us are unaware of the atrocities the army commits in the name of peace.

Talking about peace, Americans want their government to keep their noses off Syria. The two-year long conflict has divided the Middle East and threatens the fragile peace in the region. So while most Americans are oblivious to the crisis in the Middle East, they still want to keep Modi out.



North Korea sentenced an American to 15 years hard labor, fired a few missiles and now everyone 'thinks' they could have long-range missiles that could eventually reach the great continent of North America. 

Meanwhile, America signed a deal with Australia to sell several squadrons of F-35s and modified versions of the Super Hornets. Sigh!
Now, tell me something - How can a country that fails on every infrastructure parameter manage to create nuclear submarines?


So while Uncle Sam is eager to layeth the smackdown on ruffians in their backyard, we are trying to sit pretty and pretend the Chinese incursion didn't happen. Oh, the irony! Our flag meetings and 'coercive diplomacy', or the lack of it, wasn't going to affect the Chinese outcome. They won a bloodless coup when they capitalized on the perfect time to pitch their tents in our lawn. Our paralyzed government sang its last swan song, our intelligence agencies tied itself in a knot and unlike the military leaders in countries around us, our armed forces are impotent and mere stooges of our corrupt politicians
The Chinese came, stayed for as long as they pleased and left when they wanted. All our bellicose rhetoric and empty posturing only made us look like utter buffoons. Not Mohammed Ali, Mr Foreign Minister.
Even their dailies lampooned our inaction.

The Supreme Court called the CBI, the government's parrot. While we all sighed in fake relief, the PM and his council of ministers took offense. Now, repeat after me- 'Oh Yeah!'

Israel struck out and the world looked the other way
Google touched a few raw nerves when it recognized Palestine as an independent nation and some of our text books gave Arunachal Pradesh to China. In your face, Rest of the World!

Down south, we made our political aspirants sweat it out . Eventually, we made sure we spoke (and got rewarded for it) and when the ballots were counted, the ruling party crumbled and the lesser evil rose to power. The celebrations lasted an entire week and the bubbly flowed freer than water. Alas, it is now time to walk the talk.


Meanwhile, our western neighbor got a new head and we all celebrated the novelty. Promises were made and will be broken.

It has been proven that elections can cause loose talk. The Congress-led UPA government have suddenly developed amnesia and appear to be talking utter trash. Well, seeing as how they have looted us for a decade, I think it is only fair they allow their compatriots from the other side of the fence to loot us for a few years too.


Some of us took the law into our hands when a 14 year old girl was gang-raped in LaLa Land. Not surprising because Didi wasn't really inspiring confidence in anyone with her brand of mickey mouse governance.


India isn't known for her choice of politicians, so when our honorable minister, Mr Manmohan Singh starting shuffling his feet in the mud, it was time for Mrs G to take control.


We did a Sarabjit when a Pakistani prisoner was brutally killed. India said all the right things, again. Our politicians gained political mileage and Pakistan issued a travel advisory to all its citizens traveling in India. And I thought to myself, 'so does that travel advisory also apply to their citizens who've come to kill innocent Indians too?'
Now, can we have the rest of Sarabjit, please?

While most celebrities in showbiz are reluctant to step away from the limelight, Leonardo DiCaprio announced he is taking a break while still at the top of his game. Admirable!

So it is an open secret that Apple and Samsung love to fight with each other, but Nokia said it. Switch


Like a hyena following the scent of rotting meat, Priya Rai is now set to titillate the world's largest democracy. Bring it on!


Johnson & Johnson's has struggled with many of their baby products in the US for a while, but it faced the authorities' wrath when it was using ethylene oxide - a substance used to produce industrial chemicals and to sterilize medical equipment - to kill bacteria in its baby powder and had not conducted mandatory tests to make sure there were no remaining traces in the powder. Shame!


In sporting news, Abhinav Bindra convinced the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to take its prodigal son back. And how!

The latest edition of IPL was spicier than a Chicken Tikka masala. Starting from Farah Khan's Jumpin' Japak to  the revelation of spot-fixing. Now, I bet Sreeshanth didn't see this coming when he did a Lalit Modi on twitter as IPL 6 began but I've always felt the KKR win last year was just a flash in the pan.

While Sreeshanth & Co is guilty beyond doubt, how many of you think he is just the fall guy? So that explains how he built a palatial bungalow even though he has played so little. Old man Katju, I hear is preparing his 'Pardon Sreeshanth' petition even as I write this post.

Apathy knew no bounds either. Doctors in the City of Oranges, Nagpur, refused to provide timely treatment to teenager who was 'brutally' raped by her stepdad.
Five deaf and mute orphans were raped and 2 jawans got 10 years hard labor. Simply great!

In the words of the 'Mask'.. Somebody stop me!


Thursday, February 28, 2013

While I was gone... [February 2013]

So it appears that childhood is indeed the best time of your life, if you are an Indian man, that is. You can rape, confine, pillage and plumb a rod up her vagina or down her throat and no one can throw the book at you. Ahh! that golden age of juvenile innocence so beautifully protected by the high-priests of our noble country. Why would any boy want to hurry through childhood anymore?
While there were lone screams to lower the juvenile age, by the time I'm writing this post, those voices were nothing more than a whimper.
The 'Delhi gang-rape' mega-serial started and the five bastards pleaded 'not guilty'. In the words of Judge Dread 'I knew you'd say that'.
Jyothi's male friend, who was attacked himself, testified against the 6 bastards.
If you ask me, I think 'Delhi gang rape' must be included in the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary for 'Any incident that creates an illusion of change and revolution but does absolutely nothing'.

But I wouldn't blame them for the sudden swing. We had our American Born Confused Desi, Ms Sunny Leone, the object of every Indian male's pride and titillation, tweet that rape was not a crime but just surprise sex. I am quite sure every person who read this tweet would have had images of Sunny buck naked, with her legs spread wide open, getting drilled in places I cannot mention here, while moaning 'Oh yeeeeah... c'mon... give it to me.... ahhh...yesssssss'. Too late to deny this, so wipe that drool off the corner of your mouth.

Waiting for some 'surprise sex'
Sunny didn't realize how we hung onto her (tweets) and deleted the statement but the damage was already done. Her former tweet was picked up and millions of people who had nothing else to write, re-tweeted it. She went about accusing and threatening everyone who accused her of having said this. Big mistake, sweet-cheeks. The rest as they say is history.
I can't imagine how any woman can say this. But then I can also imagine how happy Sunny will really be if she gets raped. That would be her darkest fantasies cumming true, so yes, when we see the statement from her perspective, we shouldn't really trouble her too much. What we must do is welcome her with open arms (and nothing else, mind you) and let her live a normal life in Delhi. Chances are, she will live a full-filled life then and we can continue to enjoy her movies.

In other rapes around the country that made us more blink, a 40 year old man raped his neighbor. Now, what's stopping the law from hanging the middle aged bastard? Oh yeah, he is Didi's land.
And while we are at it, can someone please tell our rapists that they are not supposed to sentence their victims to death?

In happier times...

We showed everyone the speed at which we can crawl when the government got a report out in top speed. And that is about all the good news I have for you today. The report didn't criminalize marital rapes. So that just about saved the asses of about 60% of the husbands who rape and otherwise brutalize their wives. Keeping with our traditions, we all got our multilingual, multicolored placards out and the opposition (well, they are supposed to oppose, aren't they?) opposed. The government defended the ordnance quote-unquote 'there was an urgent need for this law'. Really?! You just realized that now?? 

Our cities are so unsafe that not even Chinese women, who are otherwise used to the perverts in China, are unsafe. China gave a diplomatic tight slap when it demanded India ensure safety of their women. Can it get any worse? 
Let's hope this ordnance brings relief to former victims too. And there was some glimmer of hope  and an online campaign. Ironically, we don't seem to be the only country grappling with heinous crimes against women. South Africans mourned the deaths of a 17 year old girl who suffered at the hands of the same brand of bastards and the murder of Oscar 'the blade runner' Pistorius's girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp

We all forgot about the sinking economy, which the BJP was very kind enough to remind. Gee! Thank you, Mr BJP!
And suddenly everyone has started warming up to the PM-in-waiting. What a suck-up! But the Congress didn't really like it. Grow up, guys!

Talking about urgent need of laws, where was the long arm of the law when Muslim men threatened to rape the girls of 'Pragaash' if they don't stop singing? What the Eff is the problem with us? We profess the need to protect our women and we keep our fingers on our lips when they are threatened by a bunch of effing bastards, who in my opinion should really be hunted down and killed.

As if Bad News Bobby wasn't giving us enough to worry about, a top nuclear scientist from our estranged twin declared their nukes were unsafe. While this could have been really bad news, both of us can be happy that Indians are not as trigger happy as the Americans. And I guess it is also because the Pakis will have to first decipher their Chinese manuals before they can launch them.
But when Zardari and son moved into a bullet proof home, it's time the mere mortals begin to worry.

Shilpa Shetty, former B grade Bollywood wannabe and current hmm.. well, its hard to tell what she is good at. But that didn't deter the young at heart oldie Suresh Kalmadi, from the CWG fame and a guy who's got selective short-term memory, from having his wish fulfilled. Naughty boy!


Kingfisher Airlines posted 'yet' another loss. Duh! Its not like they were the Apple of the skies anyway.
Iran launched its own version of the 5th generation fighter. Commendable!
They managed to create one inspite of the incredible odds (read The entire West) against them and we have been trying to work on one for the past 20 years. Surely, it would have been easier if we would've just greased the palms of a few Italians/Indians, huh? Caught with its hand in the cookie jar, and even as the government has promised to cancel all tainted deals, foreign leaders are queuing up to make a fast buck. From one scam to another, our government looks like a drunk swaying through the corridors of power.

Eygpt! Again. Gosh! 

Syria, from a country that as picturesque as it was, it has now turned into a battlefield. The light at the end of the tunnel is as distant as it was 2 years ago but no-ones the wiser.

O continued to press for tougher gun laws. Keep up the good work, Mr Prez! Don't let this die like your other reforms.


While O was trying to save lives, our Prez seems to have found a penchant to hang. Afzal Guru was finally hung and India broke into a sweat. Perhaps it could have been the manner in which he was hung or perhaps it was way for the Congress to earn a quick brownie point before they are rooted out of power next year.

Wrestling was thrown out of the Olympics  and India and the World erupted. So that's six less medals for India.

Russia got a glimpse of how the End will come, when God decided to throw a short pitch. Half the world gasped in awe and fear. Indian politicians and businessmen barely flinched. Only a meteor strike over Switzerland can make them sweat.

Hyderabad had it bad. Couple of questions:

  • Why must people die to make a statement?
  • What the eff is the government doing?
And IIPM showed how it is a sore looser. 
It had the government block about 100 sites, included a few of its own, that spoke the truth about the fraud that is IIPM. Hey Arindam! I think IIPM is the biggest sign of corporate fraud that can happen in India. I dare you to block my post. Thankfully, our hackers returned the favor and hacked his site too. Score!

That's All, Folks!
Good Night and God Bless!


Thursday, January 31, 2013

While I was away.... [January 2013]

After two fabulous months of hibernation, I finally managed to dust the cobwebs off my home laptop. Plenty has happened and much of it did hit the sweet spot on the fan.

For those who came in (late), here's a round-up of all that made news and was quietly and promptly swept under our over-priced fake Indian rug.

We indulged in our national pastime - Rape. Number of the bastards who were caught, castrated and chopped in mini sizes - Zilch!
But let that piece of bad news not deter the patriot in you. In consolation prizes, men were arrested and her story was (re)told for global consumption and facebook 'Likes'.
Some of them even got some unwelcome fame.
Some women were spared the agony of living in an apathetic society when their rapists did them a favor and killed them.
The deafening sounds of silence barely a month after Jyothi was 'brutally' raped suddenly reminded us of why India will always remain just another 'developing' country. When the time came the shameless bastards, some of who wanted to be hanged because of their guilt, now wanted a trial outside Delhi to prove their innocence. APPLAUSE!


Now, you may ask where is all the titillation for so much rape? Well, some of our Indian couples were glad to provide the source. While I haven't seen the video yet, I am sure that is the last time they are going to be excited about having sex! But then not all men wanted free sex from the street, some of them actually paid (serious) money to rape. Which got me wondering, couldn't he just have visited a sex worker instead?

While we didn't have much luck chopping our rapists, some women were (un)lucky enough to be served the benefit. I wonder if this will lead to our suitcase-wallahs loosing out on precious business!


Our neighbor snuck in, fired a few shots to test our defenses and left. Some with a little more baggage than we could tolerate. The usual rhetoric from Delhi, our netas flexed their biceps (or the lack of it) and The Sardar put in a word or two as well.
And talking about politicians talking with their over-sized feet in their paan-streaked mouth, we had the 'oldie in chuddi' RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat trying to put the bar back in Bharat. Bravo! Can we have him extradited to hmm... Mexico or something?
And joining him will be the Motormouth from the East - Ms Mamata B. She made investors dance to her tunes and then ate humblecrappie.

Locally, KissAsser er.. Kingfisher Airlines tried to spread its wings. So while Didi was making investors dance to her tunes, the only dance Mallya will be doing is the tightrope variety. With the large group of investors growing impatient, it is just a matter of months when Kingfisher will be a distant memory. Thank God I kept those sparkling Kingfisher-branded spoons and forks they used to serve inflight as souvenirs.
In other national news, Anna (Hazare) changed the name of his mo(ve)ment. Let's hope the change of name leads to change of fortunes too.

Onto our International news segment, O aimed his gun at the ... er gun lobby.
And that was that. While American politicians are not really that different from the politicians we breed here, this could be the start of something big in the distant future. Reeling as they have been with a spate of gun-related violence, Americans have suddenly realized that shooting is not as much fun as watching it on screen.

The world's biggest liar, Lance Armstrong apologized and finally confessed. And we got to watch Oprah tear apart the former cycling champion like a rag caught in a derailleur. In technicolor


Oprah laughed her way to the bank as her ratings soared and Lance wished he could dig a hole as massive as his lie and curl and die in it.

The world's biggest passenger jet was grounded when the smallest of its component malfunctioned and the suddenly the airline industry was left wondering if size did matter.

And if you were wondering what Lady Justice and our elected representatives are doing when they are not passing silly bans and pillaging our country, they are checking out the latest movies. Why they even managed to get Kamal Hassan lots of free publicity when they banned his movie Vishwaroopam. Eventually everyone got a little of what they wanted and he joined Oprah at the bank.

Phew! And that was just the first month!
Happy New Year to me!


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Kasab's last Kabab [326/365]

After four years of deliberations and a couple of millions bucks feeding him and curing him of his illnesses, Kasab was hanged in a Pune prison.
In this four years, he was paraded like a prized cattle er ... thief.
The crime was proven the moment he was caught, but our politicians didn't want to loose this wonderful opportunity to rub salt into Pakistan's wounds and prove that we are just at the same time. He was after all caught on candid camera gunning down innocent travelers with an AK47 much to the chagrin of his Pakistani handlers. In the minds of billions of patriotic Indians, he was already sentenced to death but we toyed with him. Gave him a glimmer of hope that we might free him on humanitarian grounds. Our tax rupees paid for his counsel, years of biriyani, kababs and world-class healthcare. We pleaded, cajoled, threatened Pakistan to hand over Kasab's masters.

Predictably, they didn't and we went ahead and hanged him. The fools amongst us celebrated.
While some human-loving peace nicks campaigned for clemency and raised 300-odd signatures (what's 300 in a country of a billion-plus), Kasab had his time run out and we lost our favorite Pakistani scapegoat to the hangman's noose early this morning.
We didn't have to do what we did. Kasab should have been parceled to the bottom of the Indian Ocean ala Osama but no. We had to parade him to feel vindicated.

I wonder what Kasab went through. Did he curse his luck that he stayed alive. Did he repent killing so many people? Was he enjoying the enemy's hospitality? Was he angry that his family, his village and his country disowned him? Given a chance would he have reformed? Could we have turned him against Pakistan? Was there a chance he thought he would be pardoned? Was he happy with the biriyani and kababs?

So while we all slept, Kasab had his last kabab and bid adieu in the most ironic and painful way he could. In the same way he snuck into India under the cloak of darkness and with the same stealth that he killed, he was killed.

We like to think we are children of our destiny, inevitable results of our circumstances. Kasab had a choice. He could have grown up and worked hard like the hundreds and thousands of people that he and his compatriots mercilessly killed.
Instead like hardened spies, he held fort and took his secrets to the grave.

Can we atleast ask Pakistan for a refund?


Monday, October 15, 2012

All about Malala [290/365]

Last week, the EU got the Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts in stabilizing the world economy by bailing out the lazy south.
In the meanwhile, a young 14 year old girl in Swat, Pakistan got shot in the head and neck working for the cause of girl children in her country.
So what is wrong with this picture here?

While the Nobel Foundation have been in the spotlight in the past couple of years for their choices of awardees, their choice for the peace prize this year will definitely be the most controversial. Malala Yousafzai, a political activist and educational rights activist, had been writing a blog for BBC under a pseudonym. At a time when the Taliban imposed their radical version of conservative Islam and ordered that girls should not be educated, Malala's blogs were bone-chilling. They spoke of the first-hand terror and fear that women and young girls go through every moment.

Her activism is the stuff of Bollywood blockbusters and mythical warrior princesses. Inspite of open threats, Malala encouraged by her dad, Ziauddin Yousafzai, trudged on. She inspired hundreds of girls to fight for their right to education and eventually paid for it when Taliban gunmen shot her in her school bus. 


What followed was worldwide outrage, and surprisingly most of it from within Pakistan. While the government spoke in veiled tones, Muslim clerics and ordinary Pakistanis were outraged. The Taliban were mighty proud that they shot the young defenseless girl but with support and encouragement that this incident has caused, I doubt if they really achieved their goal. On the contrary, they may have alienated clerics who would have otherwise helped them turn Pakistan into the dark-ages.

Ironically, we have been really silent over this. I haven't seen any candle light vigils or solidarity marches for our stricken neighbor. But that could be because we have our hands full committing heinous crimes against our own women. Our men are one blowjob short of an orgasm and going by the rate that we have been raping our women, with female infanticide and mortality being what it is, with dowry deaths increasing and our strange penchant for the male child, I estimate that we will run out of fresh women to rape in about five - ten years. Rapists please note


Malala, I hear is slowly recovering but I wonder how this will change her life for ever. Will she be a vegetable for the rest of her life or will she have to live in fear until she dies? Whatever the outcome, I hope the fear that she has experienced, the forces that she fought and the pain that she will go through will open the eyes of ruthless tyrants everywhere. I hope the effort that she put finally bears fruit.

We're sorry we didn't think you deserved the Nobel Peace Prize.


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Hang that bastard [242/365]

Kasab got the noose. Finally!

After spending much of our tax payer Rupees, 53 crore to be exact, we can be proud that we are hanging our most favorite and only Pakistani scapegoat. While the world (read Pakistan) wont say we abused him while in custody, today's ruling looked like some of those promotions that happen in the corporate world. It was decided a long while ago.

Why we spent all those crores on him when we were going to hang him anyway is beyond me. Surely we wanted to prove that we are different from our trigger-happy cousins in the West, but there is some wisdom in their insanity too. Case in point, Saddam and Osama.
While Bush did the foolish thing of allowing Saddam to be tried, his death brought about unnecessary rumors. Lesson learned, Osama was tetra packed to the sea floor with no fuss or drama. See, India could've have done the same too, but our politicians are too vainglorious to miss on their one chance to strut.

So then, by parading Kasab like a prized Himalayan bear, we showed that we could set aside our urge to strangle him and give him a taste of our legendary Indian hospitality.
I would love to get inside the head of Kasab. I would love to know what he is thinking- of his motherland, who did wrote him off and of India, who fed him Biriyani and protected him round the clock.  Kasab, please don't mind the wild celebrations we had when we heard you are going to be hung.

Just one question, Kasab: Why didn't you walk into the Ecuadorian embassy? Blah!


Sunday, August 19, 2012

Letters from the other side [232/365]

The past couple of weeks have been the hardest on Indian minorities.
First the carnage in Assam and now the North eastern community in Karnataka.

My previous post on what I thought about this carnage got me a lot of responses via email. Most of them were angry at what was happening, but nearly all of them agreed that this was possible only because we are a society that is too weak to punish.

Today, as our newspapers declared how the hateful messages and videos originated at Pakistan. I thought 'How convenient!'
Why should we believe the politicians when they say the material is from Pakistan?
Could it not have originated from any of our other neighbor(s)?

Politicians, on either side, have always prodded us to fight each-other. Like a bloodied pair of fighting cocks, we have always been told to fight each-other to death.

I would like the government to release irrefutable proof that the material originated in Pakistan. And then I would like our country to demand our neighbor to extradite them or else. But knowing how our netas are a bunch of lily-levered oldies, I doubt if the perpetrators will feel the Indian noose.
On the other hand, let's assume that the material didn't originate from Pakistan. Where else could it come from? Assuming how China has been fighting for our land and knowing how good they are with copying stuff, I wouldn't be surprised if they had a role in this.

But then, it would not have been extraterrestrial at all. We have enough scumbags available locally with know-how to copy and morph a bunch of videos.
Blaming the Pakistanis has become far too easy now.


Friday, August 17, 2012

Brotha' from da same motha' [230/365]

Taliban terrorists stormed a Pakistani airbase that houses nukes and fighter planes. Great! Just what we need. 
Nearly every country in the world today thinks Pakistanis and Indians are a difficult bunch to handle. While our western neighbor battles the Taliban, we have our own brand of home grown terrorists and corrupt politicians to worry about.

We really are a bunch of funny people.
Living abroad, I've had many Pakistani friends. Most of them were like Gujarati Muslims-  very social, friendly and great hosts. I remember this particular friend of mine who lived in a moderately large villa with his large extended family. They made the most incredible food.

Back in the subcontinent, there is some kind of a hostility that creeps inside you against your neighbor. I don't think it is the people who are bad in either of our countries. I believe most of the hatred and enmity that surrounds us just because of some really effective political propaganda. Which is the only way I can explain how we get along like a house on fire when we are outside the subcontinent.

Growing up, I had a lot of sibling rivalry with my sister. I hated her with all my life. The rivalry reached such proportions that nearly everyone in our families knew our conflicts. But as I reached adulthood, I passed the phase where I couldn't stand my sister and I began to yearn for her. I'd realized how much I really missed my sister and of all the years I wasted fighting.
We bonded again.
It is unfortunate how much we are loosing out on each others love just because we refuse to talk to each other. It is unfortunate how we are letting our enemies bleed us just because we refuse to work with each other. If only we could set aside our differences, we would be a formidable force that can help each other. After all, we do have the same problems, the same language and  the same strengths. We are truly twins from the same mother.

For decades, we sat on our moral high horse shaking our heads with disgust at how Pakistan is ruled by terrorists and looted by tyrants. Surprise, Surprise! We are not any better off, actually.

The sooner we get back with each other, the better for us.
66 years is just too long to nurse a grudge. 


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Freeze! [115/365]

source: The Telegraph
It's just April and we've got a full deck of exciting things happening.
While it appears like we'll have a full show at the Olympics which is just 100 days away, we are already having a race of another kind happening. An Arms race.

So, India decided to go ahead with a missile that can reach any part of China.
China, being the cry baby it is, first declares the missile is nothing compared to the ones it has but later declares the missile could actually go further than it was announced.
Predictably Pakistan, not used to being ignored by both India and China, has test fired it's own 'India missile', a modified version of the Shaheen. (Read the explosive news here)

If the threat of a nuclear war was not frightening, this would have been the stuff of standup comedians.
Pakistan was the target of our fear and hate psychosis until a few years ago. And then we tested our nukes, intimidating our western neighbor. All we wanted, was to scare the Pakis just enough to keep them on the edge but not push them over that they attack us. But they did and when the world reacted in aghast against Pakistan, we achieved our first moral victory. Our victory at the battlefield mattered less. Gradually, we lost our interest in Pakistan and trained our bofors at another troublesome neighbor - China.
For many years, and since the latest Indo Sino war, China has been restructuring itself. She has been quietly yet consistently growing. Organically and otherwise. Into an economy that the world cannot live without. Today, over 80% of everything manufactured or processed is Made In China. They build 15 fully equipped cities in a year while we struggle with a over-bridge for 10. I know I sound cynic but the proof is in the pudding.
Our government fumbles with every single infrastructure project and corruption is so deep rooted that it's slowly desensitized us.

So if you can't reach them, scare them.
Enter Agni 5. (Read my earlier post commemorating death)

But here's what I'm thinking.
Why do we need to annihilate a country that we can stand to gain a lot, if only we are friendly.
We needed 5 versions of a missile before we could build one that could reach all of China?! What did the first four versions reach? Srilanka? Andamans?

If you ask me, I think the Pakis had the missile a long while now. It's just taken them some time to translate the Chinese manuals.
Why Pakistan still finds India a threat is something I find disconcerting. With all the thaw that has been happening between the nations, a missile test like this puts a freeze on our bonhomie. Maybe we could test our 'Pakistan missile' again. Just to remind them that we already have a missile that can reach any spot in Pakistan.

What are we trying to achieve with all these missiles?
Intimidation is one of them.
While both the countries have showed how they can push each other's buttons really well, I think it's time we stop all this posturing.
Deep down, we desire to live together.
When we are the same culturally, geographically and ethnically, why can't we learn to live together as well?
We may not be able to beat China alone, but together we can achieve a super- economy that is unbeatable.

Perhaps our political fathers have been frightened at the prospect of having us work in harmony. Maybe they just want to keep our twin away.
And a missile is a wonderful way to do that.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Ton [100/365]

100th post!
Never thought this day will come. If I was Sachin, I would have called the media, signed on a couple more corporations and declared that I have no intention of retiring any time soon. How dare you ask me to retire?

But I am not Sachin. So I'll let this achievement fade away.
How hard is it to write one post a day?
Pretty hard, if you ask my Wife. She had to suffer many many hours away from me, because I simply can't write with so much distraction. And if you're going to ask if I meant my lovely wife was a distraction, I'll deny I said any of that. I'll do a Pakistan on you and ask you for a dossier to substantiate your allegation.
Source: baby-birdie.blogspot.in/

That said, I love writing. Given a day, an entire day that is, with easily accessible food and plenty of water and a clean bathroom, and maybe a laptop charger and TV with some good shows, I'd be as happy as a puppy. Not the ones that are new born, but the ones that are a few months old.

So I've managed to write one post a day for the past 100 days.
And I'd like to thank all the poops er, peeps who stopped by to read. And I know of a few who had their hands inside their pants when they were in my blog too. I've got your IP Addresses and I'll be sending you a 'care package' very soon.

But for the others who didn't entertain themselves but let me do it for you, thank you.
I owe you. Not too much but just enough.
I'd also like to thank all my high school teachers, for making me literate. It was not a wasted effort. Thank you.
I'd like to thank my parents. The roots are really deep.
I'd like to thank spell check for working the way it did. God bless you.
I'd like to thank the porn industry. We couldn't have been entertained any better if it there wasn't porn. Trust me.
I'd like to thank our poly-tick-sons. You give me fodder for thought.
I'd like to thank... er. actually, I am all out of people to thank.

Thank you for coming. Now, get lost.


Thursday, April 05, 2012

Will the real Saeed please stand up? [95/365]

Oh Shit! 
Source: pakistankakhudahafiz.com
The FBI recently announced a bounty on the head of Hafiz Saeed, founder of Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT). A $10 million bounty. That's a lot of rupees, you see.

Predictably, the Pakis have already issued their standard issue rebuttal and expressed their indignation at being told that a terrorist is living on their soils. How dare the western infidels think we are harboring terrorists? Funny people, don't you say?!

But the timing of such an announcement is simply perfect. Coming just a few days before the Pakistani Prez visits India, it's arch enemy and bitter sweet neighbor, this was the best way the US could have stepped up the pressure. (Read the non funny story here)
Seeing as how the rivalry between the neighbors have been counter-productive, Pakistan needs the peace with India more than ever before. With an announcement that put a bounty on a guy who India has got within her cross-hairs for a long time, it is a fool's guess what is going to be the topic of heated discussion on Sunday.

Besides the timing, an announcement like this corners Pakistan, who does not seem to have much credibility especially after OBL was found right under the nose hairs of the Pakistani military. The US and Pakistanis have never been great allies and probably never will.
But they need each other more than they would like to admit it.
The Americans need the Pakistanis mainly because of the strategic reach that the country has with radicals.
And the Pakistanis need Uncle Sam to fund its economy. And to buy Chinese nukes.
In the midst of all this, Indians are having a big chuckle.

Of course, now that Saeed is officially one among the most wanted men in the world, it should be easy to catch him, right?
Wrong!  
Because here is how things will go-
  • Pakistan will vehemently protest the insinuation that Saeed (or any terrorist scum) is in Pakistani soil. Growling.
  • The Americans will barely let a sigh out.
  • The Indians will say 'Ha, see we told you that the Pakistanis are hiding all the scum in this world'. Feeling vindicated.
  • The Pakistanis will ask for evidence (aka dossiers) that Saeed is in their country.
  • Uncle Sam: "Thought you'll never ask". Here you go.
  • Pakistanis get satellite photos and all kinds of incriminating evidence including the postal zip code of the Mr S.  Damn!
  • By now, you're thinking the Pakistanis will give up? Heck no. Pakistanis: "Not enough evidence". Whimpering.
  • Wikileaks steps in. (And you know how that'll go)
  • Indians will stand cowering and posturing by the side, sniggering. With a smug smile.
  • Tired, the Americans will send in their drones with a 'care package' for Mr S.
End of Story.

Repeat above cycle until Pakistan is clean of all of the scum of the world or until the end of the world, whichever comes early.


Thursday, January 05, 2012

Bad Day [4/365]

Some days are simply a bad day to wake up. Or for breakfast.

Looking at the news today I had more than my daily dose of bad news, aka bloodshed, violence and death.
It was news of the enchanting Syrian conflict, ongoing descent into anarchy in Iraq and it was business as usual in Pakistan

While it is true that we can live in harmony (history has shown that we did, once upon a time) it is greed and ego that divides us. But many a times, it's not the people who really fight among each other, but the politicians who instigate them. Why? Because it is always better to divide and rule

When egos are bruised and tempers fuse, what billions of dollars in arms and ammunition can't do, a simple word and an heart-felt gesture can.

But until we are able to eliminate the middlemen to peace (read 'politicians'), we will continue to spar like unwitting gladiators in the giant theater of politics.


Loving people is hard work, indeed!


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