Showing posts with label Rahul Gandhi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rahul Gandhi. Show all posts

Saturday, June 06, 2015

As you liked it Mar/Apr/May 2015

This past month showed us the power of PR. So if you want to change the world one news reel a time, get into PR. Not into IIPM 2.0. Whatever that means..

Modi is probably the only Indian politician who has mastered PR that works. Last year, with 3D hologram projections, he won the hearts and imaginations of a billion people. 


A year later, his government is a monumental disappointment. His fans will insist he is 'getting there', yet we see industrial output shrinking and the economy in animated suspense. But wait! He is still not done with all the travel. 100 more countries to go. Maybe he could check-in to the newest luxury hotel in the Middle East.


The PM who wanted us to Make In India, ended up buying fighter planes from France and saving their industries from shutting down. Incredible just like that!


So what if he trash-talked his opponents (read Congress) while visiting other countries he did manage to mend some fences back home with Didi and later... Amma. Well, he should. Because he wasn't getting any of his bills through the parliament the way things were.




Salman Khan, Bollywood's Enfact Terrible and 'Philanthropist', got convicted in a lawsuit that appeared to take forever. But hey, like most Bollywood blockbusters, there was the happy ending  - the High Court over-turned the verdict and set him free! All because he is a good man. What kinda 'good man' throws his driver under the bus? Oh the irony!


Now if that wasn't terrible enough, we had nuggets of pure gold from Bollywood 'celebrities'. Some of who you'd not like to caught dead following online. Now, I am all for free speech and shit, but shouldn't we really punish people for their public bouts of verbal diarrhea?


Oh and Farah Khan Ali, please disconnect your internet connection and throw your phone and computer into the fucking Arabian Sea. You are nothing but a slightly more better looking version of Rakhi Sawant. Dumb as a door-knob, not a blush more, not a gloss less


Fat Lady Jayalalitha got her clean chit. Sure, when you have a platoon of over-priced lawyers fighting for you, I'd be surprised if she didn't get the acquittal she did

But hey, if she didn't get away this time, she was ready to hire Harish Salve, the man who 'saved' Salman Khan. Move over Ram Jethmalani, there is a new black-coat in town. Strangely, the Old Man is quiet too. Not surprising though considering how his daughter and son(s) have been up to their sambar-savored throats in lawsuits, it would be like the pot calling the kettle black.

But all this should sound like music to Dawood Ibrahim. Isn't our judiciary wonderful!


Look what the cat dragged in -  Rahul Gandhi. All fresh, rejuvenated and brimming with life juice. After a much needed vacation, he hit the road running. Went for the jugular and gave some sterling speeches. That's enough work for one year. 

India is perhaps the only democracy in the history of the world where we can have celebrity legislators and part-time politicians who mooch around doing everything else but what they are paid to do.

Hey Rahul, you had your chance. You blew it. You could have done the same things that Modi is doing years ago when the BJP were nothing but a squabbling bunch of senile old men. 

Modi, what in the world were you (and your party) doing all these years when you were in the opposition? Being in the opposition doesn't mean you can't still push for reforms, does it? So both of you, shut the fuck up and get down to business.
Screaming blue murder and labeling each-other makes us look like babbling seal lions fighting over a grape. 

India's First Son-in-Law Mr Robert Vadra spoke. Let's just say that much, because what he says really doesn't matter. It's nearly always 24 carat crap.


So what if we cannot give our farmers a proper livelihood, or protect our citizens from Maoists, we still had to have that billion dollar fancy war boat.


Indian Railways recently celebrated 162 years of servitude. Just about time to reveal its biggest scam. Let's raise a toast to that!


Ramalinga Raju, Hyderabad's poster boy for IT got 7 years. For someone who ran India's biggest corporate scam, this judgement is a mockery, but who cares.


Delhi entered another state of suspended animation. No Surprise. We have Mr Kejriwal back as the Chief of the Toon (er Goon) Squad. The self-proclaimed anarchist and papa of corrupt daughter probably wants to govern for a little longer than he did the last time, but looking at the way things have been going I don't think he'll make it to full term this time either.. Who cares about the farmers, anyway?



And you know what else is wonderful, Obama lied to us. Apparently, Osama was 'sold' to the Americans for the bounty on his head. All this and more if investigative journalist Seymour Hersh is to be believed. Predictably, the White House has denied this. Why wouldn't they?! That is probably one of the handful of things O can claim to have achieved during his presidency. With a shade of a year and half left, things seems to be unraveling for Nobel Peace Prize winner and America's first black president.


Locally in many parts of Bangalore, thousands of people lost their homes and offices when the local municipal authority bull-dozed structures that were illegally built on tank and lake beds. I can imagine the plight of those who lost their homes, but bull-dozing them can't fix our ecological mistakes. The government must be proactive to relocate those who have been evicted because none of this would've happened if governmental officials didn't connive with builders who developed and sold this land in the first place. Besides, leaving piles of rubble won't revive the lakes and the job is only half done now. Ironically, the government isn't doing enough to save lakes that are still there. Displacing citizens when elections are still far away isn't a risky move because chances are, we will all forget about this by then.


Talking about elections, the United Kingdom went to polls and Cameron did a 'Modi'. He swept the parliament lock, stock and Scottish barrel. 


A Chinese CEO gave his entire staff of 6400 women employees an all-expenses paid trip to France. Good for them! Here are other large-hearted employers who treated their employees out. And then there is this Chinese  employer who offered a night with Japanese pornstar Julia Kyoko. Now, who wouldn't want to work their asses out for that?


So while we have CEOs tripping over themselves trying to keep their employees happy, can someone give our farmers some TLC too? Driven to suicide because of bad weather (duh!), a vicious credit system and a brutal economy that believes in rewarding the rich, it appears like the larger population has become insensitivity to their plight. After all, we can't really identify with our farmers anymore. We don't mind it when farmers kill themselves in their fields, their homes or from trees. Sure, it is an inconvenient sight, but something we can get over with. It isn't enough to jolt us from our recliners. Self-immolation maybe. But this ain't 1980. We have other Breaking News on news channels now.


A Delhi teen brutally bludgeoned a bus driver to death because of road rage. Egged on by his mother who wanted her son to teach the driver a lesson. Most Indians aren't shocked because nearly everyone of us would have either egged someone on, or seen someone egg someone else on. The driver's family has demanded a compensation of ? 1 crore and a permanent job for the son. Let the negotiations begin.
Next story please.

Its said that the Mona Lisa might be hiding a picture of an alien high-priest. Why do we have to see something supernatural in everything extraordinary? 

Right after this, they will be studying why men need to shake it twice. 

Pakistan: How do I put it gently?

Former Twin/Estranged Indian Brother/Failed State/Great People  Awful Politicians/Safe Haven for Terrorist Scum/Benefactor to aid from 'Developed Nations' to get rid of said Scum/host of RANDI
Oh yeah. That's what happens when you have the Chinese doing stuff with you. We made such a fuss when the Chinese promised $46 billion but when Modiji went got some of the Chinese moolah, we said - In your face, Pakistan Bbbbuuuurnnnnn

Nepal: A lesson in PR disaster. 

Every ounch of goodwill we gained in speed and effort, we lost when we started patting ourselves on our backs. Yes, we couldn't stop gloating at how Modi convened an emergency meeting, sent plane-loads of relief and manpower and moved heaven and earth to help wipe the tears of our Nepali brothers and sisters.
And then we went overboard. Waay overboard. And we wouldn't stop, until they told us to get the hell out. 
From pat on the back to the swift kick in the butt, making friends everywhere we go.

Marital Rape. We still can't decide which side we are on. Decisiveness has never been our strengths.


And talking about rape, one of India's original Nirbhay died for the final time after living like a vegetable for 42 years. Aruna Shanbaug, didn't deserve to live a life that her colleagues wanted. She died for the first time 42 years ago when a hospital janitor sodomized her. Her colleagues kept her alive to prove that they can be as defiant as defiant can be. India may have legalized euthanasia since but ironically, we didn't think she deserved mercy anymore. We needed a memorial - Aruna Shanbaug. She finally is in a much better place.

Meanwhile, her rapist has gone on to live a life less ordinary. If you ask me what an ideal punishment would be - Make him watch his wife and every single person in his family lobotomized. 

Many young nouveau riche, fully educated, completely fucked-up Indians have been circulating emails and posting statistics on FB comparing rapes in India versus The World. So do you need a medal for that


So you think we should be sensitized towards women by now? Nah. Rapes whether you are in Washington or Warangal, Oxford or Palakkad, when we violate a woman, it is probably the worst kind of crime we can commit and get away. 

A student in Oxford wrote about her rape
Back in India, we still love to stare at those luscious cleavages of our tourists while flogging the dolphin.

Silk Road creator, Ross Ulbricht was sentenced to life in prison for creating and running an illegal online empire of drugs and guns. If you ask me, I think we need to have geniuses like him serving humanity with forced community service until death. Life is too precious to rot away in prison.

Snapdeal, take notes and thank God you are in India.

In news that can inspire you to move beyond your armchair, read about Arunima Sinha. The former athlete, victim of government apathy and first female amputee to climb the Everest. Bravo!


Yemen went to the dogs the Syria way. Ironically, Saudi Arabia fought back. Not to free the country, but because they hate Iran. Tom never got Jerry after all those years, if you know what I mean.


In this month's DILLIGAF section,



  • We have a 94 year old American man who became the world's oldest person to graduate. If he was an Indian, hmmm... nevermind.
  • An Arab mother, probably in a refugee camp, was caught mothering her baby. And a father who sold his daughter for Rs 25000/-. Child Services, anyone?
  • A french company managed to manufactured human sperm in a petri-dish. And that's how men will become irrelevant in the future.
  • An Uber driver was accused of forcibly trying to kiss his female passenger and the world got to know this from an FB post. Looks like some of the drivers didn't get the memo.
  • A former Pakistani diplomat, Hussain Haqqani, revealed how Pakistan uses its weapons against India. Tell us something new, Mr Pakistani Politician.
  • Some of you might remember Telangana. Oh yes, the State who had a float that had 'tourists' on it in the last Republic day parade. Yes, that glorious State that Sonia created before her party was booted off. Well, there are a lot of 'Progressive farmers' in the government and they love traveling too! Why not?! We might as well learn something about farming and babies for sale from European countries. 
  • You want to read up on ISIS, RTFM
  • Morari Bapu. Fuck You!
  • Shobha De. Ditto.
  • Maggi. 'nuf said.

FB is a wonderful place to spend your day. Its a little piece of humanity online - Strangers cussing at eachother, some of them flirting with anything that looks like a woman (or have a pussy), and the others trying to sell anything they can lay their hands on.

I am mighty proud of myself. Correction: I am told that I should be proud of being an Indian. Why, you ask? Well, because a Sikh boy beat the crap out of a white boy who shoved him. Great! This is exactly the kind of violent reputation we need. Ofcourse, you can't see the much circulated video anymore because it has been taken down since. Thank You, Youtube.


Say salaam alaikum to Mia Khalifa. Our Arab cousins got all riled up and banned her and him! Just curious how they 'discovered' her. So ladies and gentlemen, I'll save you all a google search...


The Greenpeace got banned and so did the Ford Foundation. So much for being business-friendly


Talking about bans, in case you think you can get away eating beef at home. Think again. The great State of Maharasthra now authorizes its policemen to enter your home and investigate you if they suspect you. That escalated fast


And finally, if you thought that deo/damn cold soda/music CD/club glasses/energy drink/car/dirty off-roader/puny scooter/all-powerful bike could get you laid or that women were just waiting to have hot steamy sex with you, you need to stop watching Splitsvilla and watch this before its banned. 


All hail the power of PR!


Thursday, May 15, 2014

24 hours!

In less than 24 hours from now, India will pass her leash over to her new master. 
Expect an anti-climax because we already know who our new master will be. But let's pretend we didn't know and examine the usual suspects.

Candidate Number 1 - Rahul Gandhi (aka RaGa, The Dim Wit, Women's Empowerment, Scion of the Dynasty) 

Surely, he was the late bloomer but hey, don't pile all the muck on him. He's not as stupid as he puts himself out to be. He's just inherited none of the political sauciness of his dead relatives or his mom. How many of you remember how we showered Sonia G with eloquent praises when she turned down the top seat about 10 years ago? She was the epitome of Sati Savitri.
While we have lost much of that emotion towards her in the decade because of the way she dragged her lame Italian feet, RaGa should have won our hearts with his dimples and village idiot speeches. 

So where did it all go wrong for the C Company?
I think we all know the answers. What excites and worries me is how the Dynasty knew this was coming but chose to live in denial. The government sleepwalked through much of the last 3 years. Our PM was the mute spectator in the back seat of a taxi where the drunk driver is fumbling for the keys. For lack of a better word, let's just say Manmohan was the scapegoat of nearly every frustrated insult and anguished complaint we had toward Sonia and her unique brand of divide and rule. 
RaGa doesn't stand a chance and only a sympathetic wave (if you know what I mean) can bring the Congress back to the seat of power anytime in the foreseeable future. And Rahul, please shave the beard off. It's concealing those cute dimples.

Candidate Number 2 - Arvind Kejriwal (aka The Giant Slayer, The Muffler Man)

Now, be honest and tell me - How many of you thought he would become the Delhi Chief Minister (even if it was for a brief period)? Exactly. 
He came, He Slayed, He Left.
No other party in the history of modern India has captured the imagination of a billion people the way his party of 18 months has. Ofcourse, he must give all credit to Anna Hazare who came like a whirlwind and vanished like a breeze. He struck oil by planting the impossible. The impossible thought that some day we can rout out corruption if only we have a new set of leaders. 
So while we are all celebrating the dawn of a new India, I think its wise to say Arvind has a lot to learn and governing a country is far easier than just writing an essay. 
Will he win any seats? He will. 
Not enough to make a government at the center but enough to nip at the heels of the Dynasty. 
We may be disgruntled enough to throw Sonia G and her bunch of cronies out, but not disillusioned enough to vote for the right ideals.

Candidate Number 3 - The Third Front (made up of the Fat Lady from Tamil Nadu, Fat Man from UP and other assorted misfits)

So these are the folks who didn't get called to play in either of the teams during recess and decided to create their own team. Just to humor ourselves, I would like to see them win. Because the gameplan is interesting - If elected to power, they want to rotate the PM's chair between themselves. I can't think of a bigger nightmare than this. 
But the truth is, and if you'd like to believe the exit polls, they might get enough seats to nip at the other heel of the Dynasty. 

Candidate Number 4 - Saving the best for last, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the Knight in Shining Armor, former Mass Murderer of Muslims and the only Indian Politician the US and the UK loved to hate until recently - Narendra Modi (aka NaMo, Former Tea Shop owner).

Reluctant as he was until a year ago, we all knew he always had the top post in the cross-hairs. So yes, like it or not, he is going to be our next Prime Minister and we are hoping he will do to India what he did with Gujarat. No, not the killing part hopefully but make us all prosperous and wealthy and happy and shining. 
Oh, like make India Shining like the Congress promised to do long back, but this time we are hoping he actually does it. 

Lessons the Congress can learn (wishful thinking)
  • Communicate. Honestly.
  • You screw us. We will screw you back.
  • Policy Paralysis. Google it. It will have a picture of the UPA.
  • Be consistent. Don't burn the midnight oil 3 months before the polls.
  • Go solo. Your alliances with regional parties with absolutely no vision was the last nail in your coffin.
  • Don't effing loot and plunder us. We will eventually kick your corrupt ass out so fast so far, your head will spin. 
  • Spare no expense in hiring the best spin doctors because you will need them.
Finally, now that the grand exercise of electing our next master is almost over, let's take stock of all the schit that flew, the bullets we dodged, selfies we shot and give ourselves a massive pat on the back. 

This is after all one of the rare instances when we show we can do something as massive and organised as this was with minimal bloodshed or embarrassment (no pun intended) in a peaceful way. I can't think of another democracy that can boast of this.


Monday, September 30, 2013

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

In India, there are only a handful of things that you can do if you want to live the Indian dream - Movies, Politics and Cricket. Incidentally, none of them require a high school education.

Enter Vindoo Dara Singh. Description: A movie star (really?!) with deep connections with politicians and other cricketers (and their wives).
Act 2. Scene 2: Enter Gurunath Meiyappan. Outlawed son-in-law of god of (Indian) cricket - Srini. 
So while Srini has elected himself, none of us should really gasp in horror, because we should be accustomed to the nepotism and impropriety in public office. All Hail the dicktator.
Lalit Modi got his Life Ban. He intends to fight it, as soon as he logs on to twitter

Talking about dicktators, AK of UP did the predictable. He reinstated the fiery Durga Nagpal. Now, tell me folks, how many of you didn't see this coming? 

In Kenya, bunch of guys with guns and nothing else to do stormed a mall. All hell broke lose and 59 were killed. Apparently, this was in retaliation for Kenyan intervention in the Somalian crisis. So now, the Somalis can expect a Kenyan retaliation for the Somalian retaliation for the Kenyan intervention. 
They sure picked the wrong target. Hell hath no fury like the Israelis. 

..Or Rahul Gandhi, who ripped our poor, quiet-as-a-church-mouse PM Mr Manmohan Singh's ordinance against disqualifying corrupt (!!) politicians. Indian politics is beginning to resemble WWE 'feuds'. What was Rahul doing when his puppet premier was preparing the ordinance? Not picking daisies, I suppose. See, that is the problem with us. We hate it when he does not do anything and we hate it when he does something. Nonsense!

The Supreme Court instructed voters can choose 'None of the above' when they vote. Applause!!
Who will this benefit? How can this clean up the electoral system? For those who believe having the NOTA will rid the government of scum, good luck. 
Those who lose elections at the moment, lose not because their constituents did not believe in them. They lost because they distributed lesser (if any) largess than their competitors. Indian elections are no longer about meaningful debates, sensible and actionable manifestos or integrity of character. Financing an election is super-expensive and the ones who win will step into the league of extraordinarily wealthy gentlemen and the ones who lose, get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) ration card.

But don't even think about getting an Aadhaar card. Because the SC says so.

Meanwhile, our PM has been on the world tour. 
He spoke tough (!!) against Pakistan. Cherish the voice, dear people of India. This is one of those events in our lives when we hear the PM speak. The usual rhetoric - Stop terrorism, then talk. 
Nawaz, in return, told him to get rid of his 'womanly ways'. Hey! How dare you trash talk our PM, that's our birth-right and we don't intend on pawning it anytime soon. Thank you
Seeing as how this could be his last year as the puppet, he might as well enjoy the trip

Advani did his swan song. Nobody listened.
The US government shut down, as the House of Representatives refused to budge and tries to choke Obamacare. Why is the 'most' educated, industrialized, prosperous and the greatest nation on earth so scared about something as important as health insurance. So for as long as I live, I won't understand why people don't and won't take adequate insurance for themselves. 
In the meanwhile, while this shutdown will put 8 lakh people out of jobs, Republicans like Lee Terry needs his salary to pay for his 'Nice Home'. 
Now repeat after me, ladies and gentlemen: Gloom and Doom. 

Ever wondered why our rapists and murderers (and cricketers) have their faces covered when taken to court/cop-house? No, its not to prevent a sun tan, but to ensure they don't get their good selves trashed to kingdom Kom like these unlucky chaps.

Talking about jails, our Munnabhai got some bail. For 14 days. Looking every bit the part, with a salt and pepper beard and Nehru topi, I think he is ready for politics when he is done with his sentence. 
And oh yeah. So did Jagan. Talk about timing

One spurned lover threw acid on her flame. Where are the placards
A teenager working as a servant escapes. Its such a pity that juvenile victims are not as lucky as the juvenile accused. Irony of our times.

In other news, Tunisia is fighting sex jihadis (read 'hot, young women') who are traveling to Syria to 'comfort the militants'. Great!!
Another round of mass shooting, in Chicago. The less said, the better
An angry Tripura husband sent his estranged wife (his) severed thumb. I'd call this his ultimate sacrifice. He might have already pawned his balls away as alimony. 
All sorts of things were happening at Peshawar - churches getting burned, new islands sprouting from the sea... 

If you ever feel depressed at how inhumane humans have become, take a moment and read this.

Blackberry got juiced. 
Miss Philipines became the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Finally, Grand Masti hit the theaters, with a dull thud.
I watched it. And this is one act that I would like erased from my record
How do I put it?
Grand Masti can be compared to the green gooey shitty concoction that cannot be scrapped off from the business-end of a dog that ate the vomit of a drunk who masturbates to David Dhawan movies. 
That it grossed 100 crores grossed the aforementioned dog.

Good luck!


Monday, October 29, 2012

Hog Wash [303/365]

Unless you've been buried 6ft under, you wouldn't have missed all the hype and hooplah about the Great Indian Shake. And no, I am not talking about Deepika's shake but about the much planned yet delayed rejig in the central government.

It was widely rumored that the most powerful Indian son, Rahul Gandhi would have a right of say in picking his playmates (seriously, no pun intended). Like a bad SRK movie, after months of frenzied hype the changes that happened on Sunday was an anti-climax. Everyone yawned.

So what did we really expect? We expected Rahul to move up and take charge of the old man's club so that we can see some eye candy in the near future. Besides, after what he had done for the boy scouts er... Youth Congress, the expectations were quite high.
What happened instead was a bunch of oldies where shifted like pawns in a bad game of chess. I never even realized we had such interesting portfolios in the government.

Which brings to me an interesting question- Why did some of the ministers quit?
The version we were told is that they wanted to make way for the younger brigade and work for the party. I don't know what they meant by young but I bet they would be beating themselves in private seeing how 'young' the new replacements are.
Thank God, we still don't have the life expectancy of the Japanese.

At first glance, this is surely as populist a move as there could be. Can bringing in ministers who have absolutely no idea really help our cause?

Maybe, there should be a way where we could select and recall our ministers in the future so that we don't leave it to people who are compelled to play casteist and regional politics.

In the mayhem that followed, it was announced that there would be more changes in the week ahead. It is rumored (again) that Rahul will be made General Secretary. And everyone's looking excited again. Yes, we are easy to please.

RG Jr does look adorable and he fumbles every bit like his dad. His famous mommy is firmly in control and the top seat is almost within his grasp.
So, maybe in the distant future when the water is calmer, Rahul will finally become the PM.
...and history will repeat itself.


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