Showing posts with label Sania Mirza. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sania Mirza. Show all posts

Friday, August 01, 2014

And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in July Twenty14... [Part One]

It feels like December 2012 all over again. 
Bangalore - formerly Pensioner's Paradise, Garden City and the City where violent sexual crime used to be rare is now anything but a Paradise, has more over-flowing gutters than gardens and where young children and women are being raped almost everyday. 

And this has riled up the armchair activists like sharks on a feeding frenzy. Enough is Enough! Stop talking! 
Recently on Quora, I read a question which wondered why men in Bangalore are better towards women than the men in the North. You must be kidding me!
Will one-stop Crisis centers for rape victims help? Tough to say. Even as I write this, more than 50 women would have been raped and chances are none of the perpetrators will be punished. 

Them geniuses at the Women and Child's welfare committee decided that banning mobile phones in colleges will be enough to stop rapes. My advice to them: Don't breed, please!
But if you are breeding, please produce some girls. We are running short of girls and the dwindling numbers have now reached 'emergency proportions'. On the flip side, it isn't looking good for the survivors either

Moving on to matters that won't ruffle the manicured feathers of placard-holding pseudo activists, the Met. dept announced that Monsoons will be the lowest in 52 years and a private agency declared drought. No shit!! With the way we have been chopping down those trees, I'd be surprised if we didn't face the consequences. 
Our civic authorities helpfully pointed out that we have been wasting 42% of our drinking water. 

Remember the gigantic oath-taking ceremony that our honorable new PM took in May? Well, the government spent 17.60 lakhs for it. A small price to pay for the 'acche din'.

Talking about prices, Modi came out with his maiden 'pro-reform' budget and the industry swooned, politicians had a case of sour grapes and ordinary non-smokers cheered! Biggest gainers: ITC! 
For starters, you get to save more of the peanuts you'll earn under 80c and PPF (Public Provident Fund). and Indira Vikas Patrika makes a return now. 
Good News: Unlike the previous governments, there won't be any more loan waivers for farmers who can't and won't pay and a renewed focus on infrastructure. YAY!

Every other politician cried blue murder and the Congress said it was just a copy-paste job. Well, Mr Congressman, if it was an exact replica of your budget, then why are you complaining? Arvind Kejriwal managed to get his 10 seconds of glory too. 

The US has been cozying up to Modi under the blankets and by the time you read this, Obama has sent the Welcome wagon

But petrochemical major Reliance seems to be squirming with discomfort after the government refused to revise and hike prices of gas from the Krishna Godavari basin and when GAIL was told to not pay RIL Much gas was passed.

BJP seems to be cracking the whip and in this month's 'I'm the Boss' news, Modi has warned his MPs that they are not supposed to bunk parliament

While we have an extremely fickle-minded bunch of politicians, they sure do know how to unite when it's payback time

Politicians Beware!
Amit Shah - a close confidante of Modi and a guy who doesn't really get along with politicians on the other side of the fence got elevated to become Modi's right hand, and whistle-blower IAS officer Ashok Khemka is set to have a PMO role. Did someone say 'sweet revenge'?

Our favorite 'foot-in-mouth' former Supreme Court judge Markandey Katju stirred the hornet's nest by saying that politicians interfered with judicial appointments during the UPA regime. Now Mr Katju, tell us something we didn't know. 


And that's why Mr Natwar Singh, a former Sonia Gandhi confidante and 'chuddy-dost' wrote a book on Mrs G. This is what is called 'skeletons springing out of a cupboard'. Considering how the sales of these books are through the roof, I think this is just the tip of the ice-berg. 

Look out for more juice as Mrs G has announced that she will write a book too. Good year for Indian fiction.

A hop, skip and a jump away, Trinamool Congress MP Tapas Pal had a case of verbal diarrhea.  Well, see this is precisely the reason why I think everyone in the party has lost their marbles. They are on their way out a'la the UPA.

Meanwhile, the Scum of Maharasthra Shiv Shena got some reel-time this month when they were caught on camera force-feeding a Muslim caterer. Denial followed by an apology

In yet another aviation disaster, a Malaysian Airlines passenger jet MH-17 was shot down by Ukrainian rebels using Russian SAM. All hell broke loose
Putin flipped flopped and finally flapped.
Across the world, a small passenger plane making a second landing attempt in stormy weather crashed at an airport on a small Taiwanese island late Wednesday, killing 51 people and injuring seven

But in slightly more cheerful aviation news, Air India crash-landed safely in Newark, after it developed technical issues shortly after take-off. And it won't matter to us that he saved 100s of lives and he will be forgotten soon.
Meanwhile, a Chinese airline tested in-flight WiFi. They may be the butt of cheap jokes, but they are still way ahead in innovation. 

Hollywood may like to portray otherwise but after fighting marathon battles that they don't seem to be winning, the Americans are now frustrated and fatigued

In FIFA, Neymar got kicked out. Literally. And Germany trashed the bejesus out of Brazil.
Ultimately, Germany faced Argentina and walked away with the World Cup. Not because the better team won (clearly Messi can only do so much) but because the Germans never blinked. The lonely goal that gave the Cup away couldn't have been possible if the Argentinian goalkeeper wasn't distracted for that exact second. 

Facebook announced the launch of 'Mentions', an exclusive app for people in public spotlight. I can actually see how this is going to feed on the ego and flagging self-esteem of our many celebrities, but who cares. 

Maria Sharapova didn't know who the short curly-haired former cricketer was and Indians were shocked. This from a nation of idiots who let their kabbadi, hockey and football stars fend for themselves. Bastards!

Talking about Cricket, Dhoni was lampooned by the stiff-upper lipped British press after he stood by the allegations against James Anderson in the ongoing series in Britain. Gee!
So while we were getting our butts handed to us on a platter in England, across the border in Glasgow, with 15 Gold medals, we stood a proud 5th. Bolt stole the show with a gold at
4x100 mtr relay race. He could have raked up quite a controversy but his sportsmanship is something we could all learn from.

In this month's 'I wonder why?!' section
Having lobbied for more rights up until the last year, India awed and shocked everyone when she vetoed a landmark WTO agreement which could spell disaster for the regulatory organization.

The Americans saw another round of a mass shootout in Houston. Sometimes, I wonder why the Arabs spend billions of dollars training to kill Americans. Maybe they should just let them buy more guns and kill themselves. Why the government won't rein in the powerful gun industry is a simple question of economics and will-power.
Nuclear talks with the Iranians failed. AgainWe all know the Iranians have the nukes, why can't we just leave it that way?
Eventually, I have a feeling that it won't be humans who will kill us. Nature can do the Shift+DEL even better.
Until then, we'll have unscrupulous businesses sell expired meat to fast-food conglomerates like McDonalds and KFC in China and kill thousands. 

In more Beiber trouble, neighbors in the upscale Beverly Hills complained of excessive noise from the Canadian pop star. If only he remained the cute and adorable brat that was. Sigh!

IIT- Mumbai had a feline visitor who refused to leave. The students, ofcourse took to twitter for comic relief. Well, let's hope the big cat gets a 7 point something.
And a Rhino poacher in South Africa got 77 years in prison, in what could be the harshest sentence against a poacher anywhere. If you ask me, he needs to do 77 years of community service and not prison time.

Srilanka apologized for an embarrassing article that created an uproar in Tamil Nadu. 

Reliance India made its footprint count when it bought Network18, a media conglomerate that spans news and entertainment. With a history of suppressing or being biased, this could spell doom in a nation where freedom or speech is still a myth and channels sell endless montages about the mundane and mindless entertainment 24 hours a day.

For want of a better cause to fight, PETA launched another attack on Mrs Kardashian for swimming with the dolphins in Mexico. 

Israel has been pounding the falafel out of Gaza. Now, we all know whose side the US is on, but do we really know the truth behind this conflict? Israel has been following a rule of intentional disinformation and government-sponsored propaganda to stifle and throttle the Palestinians and control the way everyone outside of the Arabian peninsula see their conflict. Now, Israel is no saint and neither is Palestine. 
But to a question - Can it be so hard for a nation to live peaceably with their neighbors? The answer lies in the will of the its politicians to be peaceful. Historically Israel has portrayed itself as the wounded nation surrounded by enemies and as a Christian, I know how the scriptures are replete with God's promise to protect a nation that is hounded. But Israel's strategy of wounding the enemy but not killing them is what keeps the world (read US) entertained and sympathetic with the Israeli 'cause'. With over a 1000 killed in a fortnight, this is a travesty of justice no matter who is on your side. The Palestinians captured an Israeli soldier and knowing how capture of its soldier affects them, this is both an Israeli weakness and the Palestinian strength. 

In 'Interesting News of the month' section, a 17 year old turkish girl was declared as the 'World's tallest female' by the Guinness Records committee.
The NY Museum of Natural History, made famous by the Ben Stiller 'A Night at the Museum' movies will host an adult sleepover on the 1st of August. 

Outraged over ongoing allegations of unauthorized snooping, Germany expelled top US diplomats. See, now this is something that Indians and rest of the world will never have the balls to do. 

In this month's 'We have money to burn' section, 
India paid up her dues to Iran and decided to wean herself off the sweet stuff. 
Air India got a very expensive shot in the arm - Rs 6500 crore expensive and tied up with Star Alliance . Much brouhaha followed.

VIP Samadhis (glorified tombs) costs us Rs 8 crores/year to maintain. Much ado about nothing!

Mamata Di gave away Rs 8 lakhs as festival bonus to its civil servants and Telangana (the wealthier twin of Andhra) roped in Sania Mirza as its brand ambassador and we all took to the streets! It looks like we are still hurt that she went and married the neighbor's son when we had 10 eligible bachelors in the family. The fact that she still chooses to play for us is patriotic enough. I can name 50 politicians who aren't 1% as patriotic as this lady who plays every match even if she knows she will lose it. 


Dubai launched the world's largest shopping mall which will also have an indoor theme park.
Looks like Dubai is getting to be the place to be if you have the money to burn..

But if you have kids or a strange fetish for Harry Potter, be sure to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter which opened at Universal Studios, Osaka, Japan.

In a relief to millions of husbands who are harassed by unscrupulous wives, the Supreme Court ruled that the police cannot arrest husbands when a dowry case is filed. Seeing as how women would file the 498a and other frivolous cases at the drop of their marital tiara, this judgement rankled the Women's organizations but the men let out a collective sigh of relief. The apex court went one step ahead and declared that women who file a frivolous case against the husband will be criminally punished if found untrue. Now, that's called justice!

At times when we are trying to rein in runaway inflation and when tomatoes cost Rs 50/kilo, the government declared hoarding of essential food will be considered a non-bailable offense. This should strike the right amount of fear in the hearts of those unscrupulous businessmen. 

Bad guys, watch out! SEBI is on a prowl.
Byrraju Ramalinga Raju (aka The man who did the Enron to Satyam) and 4 others were fined Rs 1849 crores and banned from doing any business for terms ranging from 4 to 14 years by the market regulator.
The SEBI cracked the whip with Subrata Roy and told him to do business while in custody. Screwed!

Across the pond, Pistorious was diagnosed with split personality in the trial where he is accused of intentionally murdering his paralegal girlfriend in their tony villa last year. If convicted, the 'Blade-runner' could spent a substantial amount of his life behind bars. Whatever it is, this is the end of his running days. 

In similar news, the forensic pathologist who examined Sunanda Pushkar, wife of high-flying twitterati Shashi Tharoor, testified that her death was highly suspicious and that he has been coerced to fudge her death certificate. If you ask me, I'll always known it is Shashi. If we can pass judge Aarushi's parents the way we have because of the way they are, I think we can do the same to Shashi too. I think I've seen food stay fresh longer than Shashi's remorse at his 'dear' wife's death.

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section, 
Almost 10 years after it made a splash, Orkut will be given a quiet burial in September. 
Zohra Sehgal, the grand old lady of Bollywood, changed her earthly address. Respect!
21 people died in one of the worst metro accidents in Russian history. 
And Archie is dead too. RIP!


We Indians (me included) often complain at how inefficiently slow we are when it comes to developing a military equipment. And while we bask in the glory of the shame we heap on ourselves, Uncle Sam tells us how they are just as bad. The F35 Joint Strike fighter has been under development for over 20 years and will start limited trial flights soon. 
Projected to cost over $1 billion dollars a pop, I think they may have bitten off a little more than they can chew this time. 

In this month's 'Watch Out!' section, 
Be sure to watch Hercules, Dwyane The Rock Johnson sparkles and Irina Shayk strips.
... and for Part Two of And that's the cookie crumbled in July Twenty14.


Wednesday, October 03, 2012

The greener grass [277/365]

If there is one thing in common that we share with our western neighbor, it is our love for beautiful women.
Many years ago, they asked for Madhuri Dixit in exchange for J&K. We said 'No Way, Jose'.
Then we asked for Dawood Ibrahim. 'Take a hike' we were told.
The score was tied.
And then few months ago, we let them have Sania and they let us have Veena Malik. The Paki's thought they struck gold. Or bronze. We made them believe that we were loosing our national asset (no pun intended). But the joke was on them. Sania has actually never won any tournaments worth mentioning on her own, so we didn't really mind the barter.
By the time they realised they had a lemon in their hands, it was too late. Veena had already flashed her cleavage and won legions of Indian male fans. Sania flashed some of her thunder thighs in consolation. Goods once sold cannot be exchanged.  

Ha Ha!

Politically however, the game was tilted in their favor.
We have our uncouth Mamata Di and size 22 Amma and they had the luscious Hina Rabanni. Damn

We drooled uncontrollably every time Hina clicked her Jimmy Choos or adjusted her Gucci clutch during her maiden Indian visit.
She ramp-walked her way into our hearts and open arms. Suddenly many Indians regretted not having closer ties with Pakistan. We all swooned in unison.
A successful businesswoman, economist and capable diplomat Hina makes being a foreign minister look effortless and stylish. Secretly we all wished if we could swap our Mayawati and Didi for a Hina. We were in love.

So when rumors of Hina in love with Benazir's son broke out, Indian men everywhere gasped. We lapped up stories of her romance with Bilawal Bhutto Zardari. The cards and the secret meetings were stuff of Bollywood movies. She was the most (and probably the only) beautiful Pakistani politician and he was the handsome prince. She was both rich and successful and he the sole heir of Benazir's unaccounted loot. They plan to retire from politics and settle down in Switzerland, which would make sense since it would be closer to the banks where her late mother-in-law stashed her billions. I think that is a pretty sound plan for the future.

Her current husband is still in denial. As a matter of fact, someone should tell him that this is a process.
Her future father-in-law is furious. No surprise there!

So does this mean we will probably never get to see our beautiful Hina again? Actually, no. Seeing how wonderfully talented European paparazzo are in taking photographs of nude celebs, we should be seeing a lot more of Hina and in about 15 years, she will be back in Pakistan fighting elections. 


The moral of the story: There will be everlasting peace in the subcontinent if all Pakistani politicians would be women as hot as Hina and Veena.
In the meanwhile, we hear more Pakistanis are buying OralB toothbrushes now.


Saturday, June 30, 2012

Been there, June that [182/365]

exactly, my reaction too!
So another month has rolled past.
Another month on that much needed sabbatical..

It has been a wonderful month for the scribes and looking at the sheer volume of newsreel wasted on controversies, it looks like we are right in the eye of the storm.

Lee got his pound of flesh and Hesh, the spoils of war. Sania became bait. Predictably she complained, but well, what else did she expect?
Pinky got fingered. In every sense of the word. The Asiad gold medalist was accused by her live-in partner and everyone (for their 15 minutes of fame) of being a man. S(he) raped her. In a culture where we frown and snigger at transvestites, this was gold. She was paraded through half a dozen nursing homes, and hospitals, made to strip and subjected to every atrocity known to Indians. God bless her. For a individual to go through this and survive takes nerves of steel.

Not to be undone, Fitch lowered India's credit rating and a G20 poll listed India as the 'Worst place for a woman'. Duh!
Our cops decided to play moral teachers and went on a spree raiding night clubs and discotheques. Scantily clad, half naked bodies of PYTs covering just their faces were shown on prime time television and national media. Hot news!

Pascal  Mazurier, a french consulate official, was accused by his Indian wife of raping their 3 year old daughter. What followed was many days of sensationalism and then the anti-climax- the DNA didnt match the sample on the child's private area. The last we heard was that the wife praising the husband and seeking privacy and respect for the family during this time. Well, if you ask me, lady, when you went to the press throwing about allegations, you signed off your death warrant. If you ask me, I think you are a gold-digger and you simply wanted to make sure you got a good 'deal' (aka alimony). But again, I would love to be proved wrong and I wish the guilty be punished.
Talking about child abuse, the Supreme court ruled that any kind of abuse towards children be treated differently from abuse towards adults. What took us so long to realize this? Isn't it natural to punish those to abuse children in a way that will affect them for life? I so wish my mother listened to me when I told her that a man raped me when I was just 11. But again, this is the problem with Indian parents. They simply don't know when to listen, and how to react. I am neither supporting nor accusing Mrs Pascal. But I think when her daughter first complained, she should have paid attention and brought this to the notice of the authorities then and not waited for a full year. 

Bollywood celebrated. Period.
President Pratibha Patil in a final act of grace, pardoned a dead man. Thank God, the Indian prez is just a nominal figure of the constitution or we may have had to suffer the ignominy of having another 'Bush'.

And while still on the topic of elections, Eygpt got their first democratically elected president after about three decades- the Muslim Brotherhood elect -Morsi. As he steps into the shoes of Mubbarak, lets hope he leads the most populous African nation into prosperity.

Here's to a great July!
Hic Hic Hurray!


Thursday, October 28, 2010

My 15 minutes of fame/infamy/WTF

When I read the latest scandal/uproar that a quasi Celebrity, 'once' Booker prize winner and current tree Hugger: Ms Arundhati Roy proudly raised. My favorite pair of scissors went snip snip.
I love the Children of Controversies.
And India does not disappoint.

I stopped following her ages ago when she released a 10000 word essay on nuclear disarmament on Outlook.
I've always thought her 'God of Small Things' was like a Tata Safari: Over Rated, Over hyped! Thank God she didn't win a Nobel, or she would have nominated herself for the Presidency.
I guess she just makes it a point to wake up every morning, scan the news and does a google search for her name, to find out in how many ways she can ruffle feathers to be in the news while still being safe.
A friend of mine wondered why she was being charged with seduction?

I guess with Kashmir being as much a national past-time in India as Car chases are in the US of A, and with media not getting any more juicy stuff about CWG, it was time to move on.
Talking about the CWG, did India knock the socks off all our collective feet, huh?
It was pretty inspiring to watch Indian athletes compete in such diverse range of sports besides politics and cricket!

And oh which reminds me, Cricket's favorite Scapegoat and former Mascot; Lalit Modi must be muttering nasty nothings to himself. And to think it all began with a simple tweet.
Ahh, technology! Ignorance is bliss, my dear Modi.
Indians will forget this controversy as well, as they have successfully done for every other atrocity that grappled humanity.

The paradox of being an Indian is that even though you just one in a billion (quite literally), it is possible for you to get reams of news rolls. Its a brand that matters.
Any publicity is good publicity.

But what gets my goat is why make a mockery of our society?
3 frogs who got their 15 minutes of fame
Why do we have self appointed activists and leaders of our society holding us to ransom. Sure, Ms Roy might have to live in exile in some Western European country for the rest of her life, enjoying the royalties from her one book. Surely, she will talk fondly about India when she is there, while still enjoying all luxuries of life. Surely, she will live a life that will be much better than what she was 'fighting for' for her defendents.
This is good planning. I can almost see her doing a Salman Rushdie. A victim of her 'Patriotism'.

Perhaps the best way to treat these distractions would be to ignore them completely.
It worked for a former colleague of mine. A nasty fellow who would crack such tasteless jokes that even Rakhi Sawant would puke, all for the sake of some laughs. Ignored him. He quit.

Fed by constant controversies, our genes are conditioned to scandals, scams and corruption. Not to mention the almost involuntary drool when we hear about certain Bollywood actress and pornstars.
This year like any other year, has been a juicy good year with plenty of blockbusters already.


We've had every possible glitch except the terrorist variety so far.
Pakistan, are you listening? And no, exporting Sania does not count.
But wait, they are having all sorts of problems themselves. Funny that we don't have any terrorism when Pakistan is busy with its crippled self. Like a dog that is trying to rid itself of a flea does not bother to bite.

Wonder whats going to be the next big scandal of this year?

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