Showing posts with label Shobhaa De. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shobhaa De. Show all posts

Friday, August 19, 2016

An Open Letter to Shobhaa De

Dear Salacious Auntie,

Ok. It's been a while since I last wrote a scathing post and God knows I've resisted the temptation.
No More!

Shobhaa De! For a lady whose Wikipedia page describes as a columnist famous for writing juicy gossip about inane people and 'depicting sex in fiction', you do realise that you need to stay relevant and in the news, for any news is good news for you. Even ones that could paint a bulls-eye on your pale-skinned Indian bottom. 
And I appreciate the fact that you have been able to stay in the news. Bravo for that!
You did manage to get your name trending. Good Job! 
You are the shrivelled poster-auntie of SEO specialists. 
You are the dream of every C-grade 'actress' and 'have-beens' and 'well-trieds'.

Now, we know that you have taken on the mantle of the Great Indian Dream and declared yourself as the Saviour of Indian dignity, but your tweets are the literal equivalent of a half-digested, worm-filled turd that street dogs (sorry dogs, no offence) pass. 
When you said what you said in your now infamous tweet, you just expelled your half-digested, worm-infested turd onto yourself. 


Of course, you are partially correct. Not everyone makes a living like you do. 
Olympics is one of those sporting events that have retained its intent and glory. 
Olympics is the only arena that tests the best of the best. The only event where professionals compete with amateurs and only the best man or woman win. 
Olympics is the only sporting event which hosts more countries and their best athletes in more disciplines than you can possibly think of. 
Of course, I realise none of this matters to you, because if gossiping was an Olympic sport, you'd still not get past the heats. Pity!

Our athletes and sportspeople aren't going to get as many medals as the Chinese or the Americans. They probably will never get there in our lifetimes. And do you know why?
Its is because of people like you. 
It is because of people who hire people like you.
It is because of people who drool at your tweets.
It is because of people like you who would rather tweet about the problem than come up with meaningful solutions.

A couple of decades ago, there was a TV show on cable that showcased children who would train in a particular sport/discipline to compete professionally. 
While I can't remember the name anymore, I used to watch it religiously and marvel at the amount of training, dedication, the pain and the sacrifice they had to endure to become the best. While they were still children. I was astounded! 
Ofcourse, I was abroad at that time and my perception of how India was very similar to what yours is now. Childish, impish and immature. 
But having lived in India for the last 20 years, I've seen the struggles and the challenges, the fruit of victory and the pain of defeat closely.
As a college student, I've competed in swimming competitions and it was unscrupulously bureaucratic. 
Apart from the 1% of the athletes at the top, no one (and I repeat NO ONE) ever ever gets the respect they deserve, the support they need and the security they crave 
Indian sportspeople are a ridiculed lot. Correction: Barring cricketers, sportspeople from every other discipline are neglected and shunned. 
Read Arjun Chandur's answer to What if Michael Phelps was born in India? on Quora
Our bureaucracy and writers like you may not break bones, but you sure can break their spirit. 
And in case they do survive you and the bureaucracy, and make it to the Olympics, they will still suffer from our public apathy. Walk into any one of the SAI facilities in a city of your choice. You'll notice that they don't even have a decent working toilet. The facilities are less than international standards and the coaches, nevermind.

Don't be surprised if they can't make it to the quarterfinals. Be thankful if they do.
They have already surprised themselves by getting better than 50 other athletes who are the best in their country. 
If they do win a medal, any medal, celebrate them. Fete them for sure and when the party moves on, encourage them to grow and reach greater heights.  
If they don't win a medal, don't pounce on them because it wasn't their fault in the first place. They did give their best shot. Read Sportskeeda's answer to What is the "Vault of Death" and why is to so controversial? on Quora

We have never been a country who liked any other sport anyway. Olympics even less!
Heck, come to think of it, we are so confused about what sport to support. We think Hockey is our national game, but na. It isn't. Cricket is played by a handful of nations and we still manage to lose the World Cup!
Which leaves Kabbadi and well.. Chess. Neither of which are Olympic sports yet. 

See, Auntie, the problem is not them. The problem is clearly people like you. 
I challenge you to try a sport. Any sport. And excel in it. Get to the Olympics and get a medal. I dare you, double dare you. Nope. I know you won't. You can't.
It's far too easier for a lady who is long past her prime, to sit in that recliner and play thumb-wars with your tweet-happy fingers and ruffle people like me. 
It's easier to google for salacious pictures of Jwala Gutta and Sania Mirza than it is to go out and practice a sport 5 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Finally, to sum all this up, Auntie, in the words of The Rock 'It doesn't matter what you think... because you can take the batteries out of your smartphone, lube it up turn that sum bitch sideways and stick it strait up your candy ass!'.


Sunday, June 09, 2013

While I was away. June 2013 [Part 1 / 2]

Okay, so you might have heard this before - India is a land of quirks!

Carrying over from the previous month, Srinivasan gave his laundry list of demands and shuffled his feet long enough until we lost interest in what he and his cronies did and latched on to Raj Kundra.

Sreeshanth placed his bets with God and stopped shaving and Dhoni got an honorable mention. 

And I laughed when Shilpa started complaining about how the media is treating her husband and her. Oh really?! It is the media who made you a 'celebrity'. If it wasn't for the fiasco at 'The Big Brother', you would've have married Viveik Oberoi and changed your name to something equally atrocious.

We don't have to be told our politicians have the combined IQ of a comb. We know that already. But when one Mumbai politician banned the display of bikini-clad mannequins, some of us gasped. Have we become so sex-starved that we get the stiffy just by looking at mannequins now?!


We had some big budget masala movies hitting the theatres. And unless you've been buried, you couldn't have missed the promos of 'Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani'. While I am tempted to warn you, after reviewing a few tasteless Bollywood movies last year, I decided I'd stop torturing myself. So I still won't tell you how terrible this movie is, but let you make yet another poor choice in your life. 

Ah Aadhaar! India's answer to an unified Civil ID/Social Security number. You have to have one, even if you are just a dog, a chair or a plant. And if you are a lady who loves to walk around without the dupatta, you might have to wear one for the photoshoot. No, don't blame them, they just gave Aadhaar to a dog.

Like the prodigal son, Infosys limped back to its owner. Narayan Murthy and his son Rohan Murty (without the h) took over the reins of the IT bellwether. The rules were conveniently bent and they promised to take home just Re 1 as their annual salary. That's one video each on Airtel, Mr Infosys. While you are at it, why don't you surrender all that high-priced stock too?

After the Great Indian Circus that kept us occupied for the past 3 months, we are back to what our men do best - Rape and Kill.
A young lady died after being splashed acid, a couple of foreigners got raped and one even went missing. So its business as usual.

Another inane (Indian) government agency ruled that we shouldn't be tortured with a lot of ads on TV. Don't these guys have anything better to do


And talking about doing things better, here's a breakup like none other. Don't blame me, I'll simply do a Srinivasan on you.

Indian directory service, JustDial went public and did amazingly well. Poonam Pandhey found a news article in her name, alas it was a summons.


In similar weird news, a man trying to catch ghosts in his house instead caught his wife having sex with his son. Candid Camera!

Last month, we all spoke eloquently about how Angelina's 'selfless' act of emancipation would translate to better awareness. 
None of this will matter to the locals at Fukushima or Jharkhand. To quote a sentence from the movie 'Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift', we 'not just played with fire, but soaked the matches in gasoline'.

Indians love working in the Middle East. Building their monuments and readying their economies for a future when oil will run out. Tempted with fat currency conversion rates, plane-loads of Indians are shipped by unscrupulous travel agents to work as slaves. Their salaries are tax-free, not free. With much of the work completed, there wouldn't be a more painless way to do it than to deport them. This would also ensure they can never crawl their way back here. Swift and clean.

We are famous for titing our tats. We did plenty of that last year. So when China announced it was going to buy a 100 warships, our impotent leaders thought 'Arey yaar! Why don't we also buy a 100 of 'em'. 
There is a difference though - Their economy and industries have been growing phenomenally for the past couple of decades, unlike ours. In all of this, I am reminded of the Malayalam proverb- 'If the goat tries to shit like the elephant, the outcome isn't going to be pretty'.

When the Chinese weren't window shopping, they shoplifted. In elaborately orchestrated cyber attacks on American defense systems, the Chinese stole top secret defense and military documents.

An unwed Chinese mother flushed her new born baby boy down the toilet. My heart goes to the child and I hope that is the last time he sees the sewers in his life. Her mother's motivation to hide the pregnancy and the father's reluctance to care for the woman he impregnated is appalling but something most Indians would identify with.
If they would've done the 69, there wouldn't have been the Baby 59. Just saying.

Syria did a North Korea, when it announced a stockpile of weapons from Russia. Great! Just what we needed to tip the scales.
... and North Korea did an Aman Ki Asha. The South and the North decided to reopen the one legacy of peace and unity in the region. 


Putin upgraded. So did Modi. No Surprises, there.
Nawaz spoke and his army shot. Same story.

As I end another rumbustious post, let's have a moment of silence to mourn the tragic death of Jiah Khan, a promising actress and a beautiful woman. While we won't understand what pushed her over the edge, I hope faux celebrities like Shobhaa De would think twice before mutilating her reputation online. Shobhaaaa, that comment was despicable (even by your standards) but we'll return the favor when you die.

Adious!


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