Showing posts with label Sunny Leone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sunny Leone. Show all posts

Sunday, April 06, 2014

And that's the way the cookie crumbled ... until now [2014]

Well, that was some Q1, wasn't it!

Arvind Kejriwal came in with a bang, and left at the same speed he came. He cried hoarse and we all sympathized with him.
So what if he isn't in power, his stock has only gone north since. Armchair campaigners everywhere are sitting up and googling him to their heart's content. They say he will be the best PM India can ever have. Sigh! Thousands said the same thing about our beleaguered Singh a few years ago.

In other familiar news, a 28 year old Mumbai girl was raped and left for dead by Pramod Upadhyaya, the night watchman at her own apartment complex.
A couple of clicks away, a homemaker in Mumbai was raped and filmed. What followed will shock your senses - The rapist's wife saw the video and went back and blackmailed the victim. The victim promptly killed herself.
And finally, a 17 year old girl escaped on the way to her 6th wedding in Hydrabad, to an Arab sheikh. I'll leave you to google the sh*t out of these 3 stories.
And I am pretty sure our government is sipping the good stuff right from the pond, in statistics that will either make you proud, or cringe in pain (depending who you are), India has the lowest non-partner sexual violence in the world.
But if you are a female (of any age) and would like to avoid getting raped, please listen to our beloved Asha Mirge of the National Women's Commission and 'Check your body language...'.
I'll now let you marinate in these nuggets of wisdom.

But not all was lost, the Shakti Mills dual rape set a precedent and the rapists got the noose. No, don't celebrate. Not yet.

In tragedies normal yet avoidable, an overcrowded ferry sunk off the coast of the idyllic islands of Andamans. 21 were killed. Many of them honeymooners. It is a sheer atrocity that we are citizens of a country let tragedies like this repeat.

So what if the government thinks a large percentage of us are dispensable resources, the SC did a second guess and ruled that gay sex is illegal.
But if you think you'll need acid anytime in the future, better buy them in bulk now before the deadline allowing sale of acids over the counter comes into force. News is that acid is literally flowing over the counters these days and the suppliers are laughing all the way to the acid factory.


Our western arch-rival cum estranged twin went to the headmaster and complained that we are getting more golden stars than him. Now, repeat after me - AWWWWWW

Our MPs might have lost the red beacons but they sure are flying in style in the land of maharajas. The Committee of Privileges (they even have a committee for that?!!) decried that all private airlines must allow MPs and their coterie the dignity of a maharaja. You think?!

And Microsoft launched the Chastity bra. Great! I just hope it doesn't hang (no pun intended) and give you the BSOD. 

Talking about Microsoft, Indians' came one step closer to world domination. We got our boy 'elected' as the king and CEO of MS. And we couldn't stop talking about how proud we were that we didn't give him (and thousands like him) the creative and academic nourishment here in India, so that he ended up having to go abroad. Brain drain, anyone?

In another case of brain drain, Americans got fed up with Beiber. Finally! They got 50,000 signatures asking Beiber to be deported. Epic!

Our shy and reticent Defense Minister, AK Antony came back from vacation, answered all his emails and got to work. And how!

The land of a billion, sent 3 athletes and 4 officials to the Winter Olympics at Sochi, Russia. Go figure.

Malya, the king of good times, surely knows how to give the tough run too. It appears that banks won't recover even a third of what they lend to the beleaguered airline. Gee, I so like it when one of my predictions come true.

Srini Saar got ICC but lost the BCCI. So folks of the Western World, this is how we are. We just can't let go!

And if you thought we only discriminate against Pakistanis, you are wrong. We cannibalize our own too. Nido Tania became the latest statistic of our hatred towards people who don't look like the rest of us. Delhi went into 'Kill the Chinky' mode. Chaos!

Li Na, one of the only top seeded Tennis player from Asia who actually wins tournaments and is easy on the eye(pun intended at you, Sania) won another tournament. Saina did us proud too! Girl Power!

Yuvi sold himself for a prince's ransom - at Rs 14 crores, he is Bangalore's newest blue eyed boy in IPL 7. Who said Malya doesn't have money? In your face, Kingfisher staffers, In your face!

Bloodbath at IBM! So was at Thomson Reuters, and a dozen other companies that wanted to shed those extra calories.

Penguin stripped The Hindu. No, not in Gotham. The pen was traded for the greenbacks and the fanatics. Being the pacifist people that we writers are, the most we will do is - take a hike.

Selfies became all the rage. And poor Leonardo Di Caprio didn't even get himself into the most famous selfie. He is as jinxed as Sreeshanth!

So we know that India is a land of glorious opportunities. Who you know is what matters.
Let me present to you the story of 2 princes -
Tarun Tejpal, convicted of rape and packed off to jail.
Shashi Tharoor, thrice married and probably the luckiest widower alive! Wife #3 dies in mysterious circumstances. Autopsy revealed several injuries and a couple that proved fatal. The man has neither been jailed on circumstances nor being investigated. The staffer that discovered the body quit her job and has been unreachable. Is it just me or does this stink of a coverup? Whatever it is, Aarushi's parents would've loved to use the Shashi Tharoor privilege card.

In Europe, Crimea burned. Russia took back its prodigal son and turned the dial back 20 years.
And Facebook got Whatsapp. So now Zuckerberg is responsible for the 50% of the time we waste every day.
Saharashree Subrata ran out of his 'Get out of jail Free' cards and was thrown into jail. He now plans to ask his 'faithful-as-a-dog' employees to raise his bail money. Where do you get people like this?

And its election fever - every political scumbag worth their black money wants to become the next Prime Minister.

Malaysia Air, the airline that boasts of being the finest in Asia, lost one of its planes and all on-board. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Malaysian PM declared that the aircraft crashed with no survivors, offering no proof of the crash. WOW!
But wait, this just gets better. The authorities want the crisis to settle down so that it won't affect the Grand Prix. Malaysia is Truly Asia!
Back home in India, our $133 million C130 crashed. That's coming straight out of our pockets.
And a local bus was lost, and found. Because, we are that amazing?

The chief minister of Karnataka woke up from his slumber and declared that he would commission the world's tallest statue here in Bangalore. Great! The government may not have money to pay its civic agencies but has plenty to pour in a pissing match with Modi.
Both of you, take a page from these slum girls. They raised thousands of dollars to fund a free library of books for underprivileged children from the Dharavi slum. Take a bow, scumbags. Take a bow.

In other news, Blade Runner Pistorius is in sh*t deeper than his prosthetic can hold him up from.
The makers of RayBan will soon manufacture Google Glass.
Sunny Leone did some justice to Bollywood and did what she does best, In Ragini MMS 2. Cheers to Horrex!


Khushwant Singh (99) passed away. His humor will live longer..
Muthalik was in and out of BJP faster than his disciples could say Attack! No regrets, eh Old Man?!
Egypt sentences over 530 to death. There goes another democracy!
And if you are a girl studying in a school in UK, feel free to pick up a condom before you head home and a morning-after pill when you get back in the morning. The story of our times, eh?

Finally, we truly are a nation of people who are always thinking of saving money. Listen to this - an American boy of Indian origin has proposed to the American government to change the fonts on their documents and save $400 million. So this means they can now save more of the money they don't have.

So this is how the cookie crumbled this year. We had a pretty strong start to another glorious year. With the FIFA World Cup and the IPL round the corner, I could continue to keep you entertained.

See you all soon!


Tuesday, April 30, 2013

While I was gone... Part 3/3 [April 2013]

The human mind is a wonderful tool! 
There are some who use it to do wonderful things and then there are others who don't know what to do with it.
But there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't sell it for the right price. Shakuntala Devi, the 'human computer' and 'fortune teller of movie stars, kings and presidents' passed away the past fortnight.


While I won't doubt her genius, what used to bother me is how she would put out kitschy ads in the local newspapers offering to reveal your future with a prior appointment. The tiny advt used to have a photograph of her younger days. Much younger days. The advt would compel prospective fortune seekers to hurry because she would be here 'only for a few days'. 

I remember thinking 'Where is she always rushing to?'
She was always a child prodigy but all she really did was write a few books and read palms for a living. What a utter waste of such genius!

So while we are still mourning over the dead math genius/astrologer, Americans rolled their sleeves up for another dig at Michael Jackson. With billions at stake, this could be the 'trial of the year'. OJ Simpson, take notes.

Pooja Bhatt confirmed our most salacious suspicions - She is indeed responsible for Sunny Leone's foray into Bollywood. Speaking along the lines of how aghast she is with the way her countryman are raping women and young toddlers, she vented out her fury. Well, I believe when politicians and shallow people in the movie industry start paying lip service, and when we take them seriously, we sink to a new low. 

  And so Sunny seems to be flavor of young India and this blog because she has been replacing 'mainstream' actress faster than some of her 'moves'.

An anonymous Indian cow had to suffer the ignominy of being gang-raped and stabbed. I can only imagine the agony she went through in her last moments. The agony of being tied down in a compromising position with two men humping it. 

Peta! Where art thou
And this had to happen in a country that worships the ground cows walk/sit/idle/feed/poop/pee on! 

How did the cops decide Rs 2000 was just the right amount to buy the victim's silence? Ofcourse the cops have denied any attempts of hush-ups. Did any of you actually think they would say 'Yes, we are guilty of bribing'? 

But then there are cops with itchy palms and trigger-happy fingers, with a propensity to slap the shit out of unruly protestors. Must we suspend those cops or expect ourselves to behave in a way that befits us?  Watching the footage, which looped in an endless montage, I am reminded how Gandhi's brand of nonviolence no longer exists. 

Do you really think these protesters care about the 5 year old?
These protesters are there for their 15 minutes of fame. And she surely got her pound of flesh too.
They will go back to their jobs/colleges in a day or two. They will add this to their CVs when they apply to universities abroad. And that will be the last we will hear of these protesters.
The victims will go back to their homes and their families, struggle with poor health and low self-esteem for the rest of their natural lives. That is if they don't die/kill themselves already. The very society that 'fought' for them will shun them. No amount of dowry will convince a future groom to take a wife that has been 'dirtied'. Corporates will never hire them because of their 'baggage'. Eventually they will all die a silent shameful death.

In the meanwhile, we will 'honor' our victims with names like Nirbhaya and Gudiya. But none of this can mask our collective hatred against women. Right from the time we know its a girl until its time to 'sell her off'.

If you thought your daughter was safe attending her friend's birthday, think again!
If you thought sending your daughter to a school will help, how naive are you!

If you think your nightmare is over, maybe its just started. Your predator would have just filmed you for future reference.
In the past 2 weeks, half a dozen other toddlers got raped and one of them even had her throat slit.
I am beginning to wonder if it is some kind of a disease that is making our men rape women. While I've said it earlier how I think it is the deluge of violent porn that is available for free that could be 'giving ideas' to our young virile men, I doubt if this is the only reason. 
We shouldn't ban porn. Infact porn is healthy when consumed in the right measure. Would you ban Bollywood for the sheer amount of skin? That is like saying watching Rocky is going to make us take up boxing.

How can we fix the responsibility of the evils of our unpreparedness on showbiz?
But ofcourse you will need to ban Aishwarya for her highly questionable acting skills.


Occasional headlines like 'Man held for sexual assualt...' humors me.
Where was he held? I ask myself.
How long before the court acquits him because the cops refused to file a case or botched up the FIR/investigation?
Will the court suggest that he marry his victim? 


While the chorus to 'Hang the Bastards' have reached a crescendo, I wish all of us would just take a moment, sit down and think like matured adults and not with our entrails. I've said this once before and I'll say this again - Violence (verbal and physical) against women is bad. Equally bad is violence against men. That said, when a woman is violated, it degrades her. More than you and I can possibly imagine. Historically, women have always been placed several pedestals lower than men. Mothers ingrain the belief in their daughters that they are supposed to be nothing more than baby vending machines. Men- Sex machines.
When we hear about how a lady was raped, we take it lightly. We talk about it at forums where free lunch will be served, tea parties, office pantries and at dining rooms. A rape scene used to bring in the audience until a few movies ago.
In our self-righteous eagerness to inflict swift justice upon men who don't conform to our ideals, we want to hang the men who wander off unwritten lines of social propriety. We are right in wanting change. But let's not let the blood rush to our heads. Especially when we know how mob justice and public sentiment have sent the wrong people to the gallows. A classic example of how the wrong people were convicted is the gruesome rape and murder of Debbie Sue Carter. Let's allow the law and science to do what is right atleast now. Arm-twisting has never worked.

All this rhetoric is but empty noise when we choose to drive by an accident victim lying in a pool of blood as it happened in Jaipur. Our hypocrisy underlines how we have absolutely no humanity left in us.


Sushil Shinde, comic relief and overall foot-in-mouth politician delivered yet another gem - We cannot and should not expect our cops to take responsibility and resign.  

No, No, Sushil saab, why on earth would we want to expect anything from you?
Why we haven't prosecuted these SOBs yet boggles me.


Ambani became the butt of a million jokes when the government decided to provide Z plus security to the industrialist. Never-mind that the cops are not able to stop (or prosecute) the men from raping women and toddlers, never-mind we don't take terrorist threats against the country, we have to protect our billionaires. Sure, he could be paying for them, but then he could have got himself a private army if he really wanted to. Isn't that what 'normal' billionaires do?

In India, breast implants have always been a surreptitious cottage industry. Unlike our South Asian counterparts, our women are well endowed. Yet some of our flat-chested women are victims of sniggers and 'mosquito-bite' jokes. So when boob jobs go bust (no pun intended), it can truly be traumatic. 

In a race to catch the culprits or hang the ones they can lay their hands on, Bangalore cops arrested three individuals they suspect planned and executed the attack. This could be the start of a long and emotional trial that won't deter future attackers.

In the meanwhile, our sister from the other side of the pond managed to nab not only the suspects of the attack but also the body of a missing Indian who was the victim of overzealous armchair activists. For all those who complain how we are unprepared, the speed and efficiency at which the Boston police acted is amazing and something we need to learn from. The FBI wasn't unprepared. They did receive credible information about the suspects years before the attack. The brothers were put under surveillance and when nothing was found, the case was shelved. Yet when the attack did happen, Obama spoke what he meant and meant what he spoke. The way citizens and the law enforcement came together to 'hunt' down the suspects will surely make the next radical/loony fanatic think twice before they blow anything up. This is what we need. We need action. Definitive action.
 


Descendents of the Arakkal family, erstwhile rulers of the Malabar coast, laid a joint claim for Rs 5000 crores from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. That's a lot of coconut oil and Malabar fish fry, if you know what I mean.
 
If a picture speaks a thousand words, a billboard our army put up spoke many more. Armies around the world have never been known to be friendly to its civilians. Our army has been notorious of raping and killing innocent women and to think such an army would like you to join them just so that you may have a girl who may grow up to be a struggling Bollywood starlet, is not just preposterous but an insult to the victims and their families. But wait a minute, wasn't Gul Panag molested by a dozen men herself?!

And yes, after many years of selling cheap goods and cheaper labor, the Chinese finally invaded us. Our PM gulped. China has stationed her well-oiled fighting machine and we are sitting ducks. And what do we do? We hold flag meetings and send our foot-in-mouth foreign minister for a vacation there. We are very soft people, you see.


We can't win a war with China, won't fight with Pakistan, will sneak a vote against Sri Lanka , threaten the Mauritians and throw out the Bangladeshis. So that leaves us with the Nepalese and the Tibetans. Quite a coalition, I must say! 

I bet the Chinese know how our posturing will amount to naught. All they need to do is wait for our politicians to do the job.  Infact give the Congress/UPA another term in office and they will ensure their ministers cut India into 'fun-size' chunks for themselves.

Uncle Sam says Syria used chemical weapons. He wants to punish Syria. Really?! So what did the coalition use in the first Gulf War? Anyone who would have seen the scale of destruction that the first 'War made for the Networks' unleashed would have testified at the massacre their 'smart-bombs' and 'advanced weaponry' caused. Gulf War Syndrome, anybody?
So now when the Middle East is cautious about letting the Americans attack Syria, it is with much reason. Successive American governments have nurtured regimes when it suited them and cut them down to size when it didn't.

And in news from Pakistan, Sarabjit Singh, who has been lingering in their jails, was brutally attacked and left for dead


Our PM has condemned the attack.
If it is any consolation, Sarabjit's family has been able to see his final moments on earth. If it is any consolation, Pakistan has provided an entire ICU that has been guarded by a contingent of police. If it is any consolation, Pakistan has arrested the prisoners who did this to Sarabjit. If it is any consolation, this attack happened in the one place where he was supposed to be safe . The sad part is none of this can be any consolation to a country who spent a couple of crores feting and then hanging Kasab. Sarabjit may be brain dead but will it matter any more to Pakistan?
The culprits are already in prison. This is just double jeopardy.
India wants Pakistan to 'seriously' consider his immediate release. Right! Like they are going to shudder in their kurtas and give in to our 'demands'. Not happening!

India has been called the Asian Superpower. The only superpower that we have is the ability to plunder, rape and procreate.

Earlier this month, the earth shook and people died. This time however, our buildings fell apart by themselves. I bet none of those who visited the hospital in Bhopal would have thought they would die but that's the way things worked.
In Bangladesh, hundreds of workers at a factory that made cheap clothes for our western cousins died when the building collapsed like a house of cards. As I am writing this post, the building owner was arrested as he was trying to flee to India. Really?! Of all the places in this earth, to think he believed India could provide refuge to a Bangladeshi?

In other disasters, Sivakasi had their annual fire accident and a dozen people died. People started talking about worker safety. For a country that can't protect its children, how can we protect workers any better?
Fire broke out at a missile test range lab in Northern India. As I read the headline, I had visions of the chaos at Skynet ala Terminator.

In other inane news of the fortnight, Akhilesh refused to address Harvard to protest how one of his ministers were given the SRK treatment at the Logan International Airport. Seriously, Akhilesh refusing to speak at Harvard is like Rakhi Sawant refusing to attend the Oscars. Does it really matter?

Sonam Kapoor, daughter of Anil Kapoor and whose only claim to fame is her obscene collection of handbags, flashed much skin at one of those dime-a-dozen fashion shows. As the brand ambassador of LO'Real Paris, she showed off in minimal makeup and even less clothes.

Auto maker Bajaj, became the target of much ridicule and contempt when it announced its quadricycle project. Curiously, Tata was most vocal. Why not? After creating the world's cheapest car, competition is not something they want.


Adlabs Imagica, dubbed India's answer to Disneyland opened its doors to a nation that has every thing else.
 
Former American president Bush Jr inaugurated his library. So what kind of books would one of the dumbest American president have in his library?

Stating the obvious, our scientists finally concluded that God does play a role in restoring sanity to the mind. Its like one of those MasterCard advertisements-
Cost of hiring scientists that had nothing better to do - $ 500,000.
Cost of experiments to find out what can cure insanity - $ 6 million.
Realization that God does heal the body and mind - Priceless!

A fifteen year old study declared that the bra is a false necessity. Male scientists who had nothing better to do but to find a legitimate way to stare at breasts arrived at the conclusion that 'the breasts do not benefit from being deprived of gravity... and breasts would gain more tone and support themselves if no bra was used'. You don't say!

Age seems to have caught up with Facebook. With the declining numbers of people logging in or signing up, Facebook is going through an awkward puberty.

The world celebrated 20 years of the Internet (aka 'free porn') and here's a peep at the world's first website!

We'll have a proper monsoon, sayeth the weatherman. So this is supposed to be good news for farmers, atleast the ones that didn't kill themselves over the past many years. And it looks like even nature is happy that India is going to vote. Both Congress and the BJP will claim that the country got a good monsoon because of them.

IT/BT barons threw their weight behind 14 candidates in India's silicon valley. While I haven't decided who I'll vote for, I was surprised they didn't decide to support a friend who is in the fray - Sridhar Pabbishetty. I've worked with him for several years as part of an NGO and he is perhaps one who has my vote eyes shut. I'd let his actions and his past talk for him and I've always wished we had more people like him in active politics.
So when I read about the National Institute of Political Excellence, a school for Politicians, I am optimistic.


In other good news, cops threw the book at the father of the nine year old that stunned the world, who he drove his dad's million dollar Ferrari. Judging by the State Police's love for money and the fact that they have weak road transport laws, this dad would've weaseled his way out of this case by the time you've read this post.

Sheila of Delhi (not a jawani by any stretch of imagination) accepted protest letters signed by 10 lakh Delhiites against inflated bills and faulty meters. Well, what did you expect when our meters are 'Made in China'?

And in another ingenious way to rip us off, the government decided to take our money and give it back. I would love to meet the wizards who churn out these ideas!
While our national capital has been ripping off her citizens, we do have something to gloat about - we will be creating the largest, most heaviest machine in the planet.


LaLa Land - West Bengal - notched up another headline for the month. Didi found the drama surrounding the Saradha group chit fund too lukewarm for her liking. Solution: She is going to tax you so that she can pay you back. I hear the Nobel committee is considering her for  next year's Economics prize.

Such are the wonderful times that we live in!


Monday, April 22, 2013

While I was gone... Part 2/3 [April 2013]

Violence in prison is not a bedtime story. While there is no honor among thieves, prisoners live by an unspoken code of conduct. Politicians and Bollywood bad boys enjoy the premium cuts, rapists and mass murderers fall at the very bottom of the food chain here.

The past week saw another Delhi-16 rapist/animal experience the hospitality at Tihar. Fellow prisoners broke the arm of the bastard who starred in the most publicized gang rape in modern India. While I'll elect to send this bastard back to his misery, Indian women aren't celebrating yet. Any surprise why?
Men continued to abduct, rape and torture. Not necessarily in that order. Age no bar. Mental condition no bar. Bar no bar. Our women continued to be gang raped and depending on how many parts of their body needed to sewn up, our rapists would have raped atleast 2 children and 10 women by the time you've finished reading this post.

When we heard the gory details of December 16, we cringed. Misogynous men and certain women claimed it was because of the dress the women wear and the way they tempt. They theorized it is physically impossible to rape if the girl does not cooperate. Not so! We said. Technically, it would have made sense. But how can a girl keep her chastity safe when she is being spread apart by men with a singular mission to 'cover the face, f*ck the base and forget the case'. And so we cringe every time we read a lady is abducted and gang raped

But how do you explain when men rape children as young as 4 years old? What is the pleasure that these mother f*ckers get when they penetrate and destroy a defenseless child
How did that child tempt you?
Who do you trust your children with anymore?
More importantly, can the victims ever live a healthy life ever again?


Our politicians have the uncanny talent of churning out scams and scandals so fast that rapes and atrocities against women and children are mere commercial breaks before the next billion dollar scam. Indians in India might be forgiven for letting them off the hook but not our foreign minister

And in related rape news, Dharampal who raped and then mercilessly killed the victim and her family while on parole will be hanged. Way to go, Prez!
Another tourist was raped and killed. Thankfully, not by a lecherous, sex-starved, repressed Indian male but by another tourist who was caught fleeing. That's fodder for another episode of Banged Up Abroad!


And if you wondered why victims haven't been reporting crimes as often as they should, the ordeal a 10 year old faced when she approached the cops must convince you why we have such dismal numbers. 

Self defense doesn't work either. 

So while we are grappling with the sudden media spurt of gang rapes in India, in the good ol United States of America, girls as young as 12 will have access to 'morning-after' pills. Well, if they can't beat it, might as well celebrate it. While women's groups are hailing this landmark judgement, I can't fathom why young girls must be expected/allowed to have sex and why young boys/men must be expected/allowed to impregnate girls this young.
A recent survey revealed 60% of 8 - 12 year olds in the US have STDs. I am sure their parents are a proud lot.

An ex-Thomson Reuters employee sued his former employer over alleged discriminatory practices. Having worked in the company myself, I'd say this is not the only instance of discrimination that I've seen within. Corporate bullying, unethical managerial practices and undue favoritism are just some of the regular sins but I've said enough already. 


Tax evasion by major companies saw the Income Tax department breathing down their collars.

Death is all around us and strangely the DoT (Department of Telecom) just woke up to the realization that they should not be installing high-powered cell phone towers near residential areas. While this can be rude awakening to the risks it poses, I don't see anything changing. The DoT will continue to allow mobile operators with deep pockets to install towers in and around densely populated cities and town in India. Who cares?

It was a fortnight of famous deaths too. The Iron Lady passed away and United Kingdom was not so united after all. 

Robert Edwards, pioneer of IVF died after a long illness. Besides providing a way to procreate, he also made it possible for millions of Vicky donors around the world.

Savitha's inquest dug up a whole lot of muck and religious goo. At the end of it, I doubt if Ireland will change their laws for the sake of one dead pregnant Asian.

From car-chases, it appears that Americans have suddenly acquired a taste for guns.
In Georgia and Boston.

The United Axis of Evil delayed a missile test to avoid pushing the North Koreans over the edge. Gee! And they just realized that now?!
Thankfully, China - America's moneylender - has promised to talk to the lil Kim on a peaceful solution. Why the Americans didn't restrain themselves in the first place baffles me.



America is a funny nation.
They are neck deep in debt. Nine out of ten families live hand to mouth, millions don't have jobs or houses, nearly all of them live their entire lives on credit cards and yet they will spend trillions of dollars in military and financial aid. To add sauce to our kachori, they even increased the amount of aid they will provide to Pakistan. Yet inspite of all this, Pakistan will still remain one of the poorest countries in the planet.  Just incredible, I say!
So while your relative/friend is working their capitalist butt off in the US, you can be sure his/her tax dollars will end up fattening the next Pakistani ruler's wallet.

Talking about Pakistan, Mush came like a knight in shining armor, only to get stuck, caught and strung! The man clearly has the combined IQ of a hair comb.

Some unexpected money for Malya Senior, as he won a settlement of Rs 1.5 crore. For a man as wealthy as he is, this loose change would be enough to fuel his exotic car collection but not enough to restart his sick airline.

Hairy Baba cast his vote for the BJP. With the deluge of support for the BJP, the coming elections are looking more lopsided than any in recent history. While I don't support the countless good PR that Modi has been getting on facebook and else, if Modi is half as good as the millions say he is, then we are all in for the ride of our lives.

Some welcome news when our Pradan Mantri proposed to scrap the rule where judges get to pick their successors. Long overdue, this change I'll say. Because the recent plethora of inane and silly laws did point to a rot at its roots. 


A member of the SEAL team that captured and killed Osama was allowed to testify why he sent confidential documents to Wikileaks. His motive was simple- To expose the American military's "bloodlust" and disregard for human life in Iraq and Afghanistan. And I thought that fact was adequately established. How naive of me!

In the past many weeks and in many parts of India, thousands of people have lost their homes. No, its not because they defaulted on loans, but because the government knows it is more convenient to displace them than to disappoint construction moguls in search of prime land. Spare a few minutes and sign the petition.

No Sunny, no. We don't want vulgarity in our songs. We just want to see you gyrate and moan in absolute ecstasy. And so we were promised that there is nothing in any of her songs. Good



Didi came, she walked, she whimpered back. I've said this many times before and I'll say it again. She is the political equivalent of Rakhi Sawant - loud and uncouth. Maybe she should change track and take some lessons from Nitish.
It looks like the former CJI Katju forgot his medication, again. This time he wants the Prez to pardon Bhullar. Why the senile old man won't give up baffles millions. I have one word for you - Bengay!

Sreeshanth: Cry baby.
..and a baby who will make you cry.

I have friends and relatives working in Infosys. Until a couple of years ago, a job there would have meant you've arrived in your career. Settled. Time to get married, buy a house, sell your stocks and retire in peace.
Not any longer. Infosys's fall from glory is a lesson in corporate money management. Infosys lost much of its shine and so did Gold.

A Boeing 737 overshot the runway and landed at sea. Human error or equipment failure, what is appalling is how most of the passengers didn't remember how to deploy the life jackets during emergency. So much for those safety lessons after boarding.

So it's proven that we love lists. In the past fortnight, we had Mila Kunis top the list of the '10 most f*ckable celebrities'. But honestly, why would we need to know that?! Are any of those who voted going to get a chance at it? You wish!
And while Hollywood would love such tags, our desi actresses who gyrate half-naked wonder aloud why the sexy tag has stuck


Another politician got his ugly over-sized feet in his mouth. He repented. Welcome to the club!
After Katju helpfully pointed out how we vote like much cattle, Jairam Ramesh, added substance to what we've been suspecting for a long time - We don't choose our leaders for their intellect. Gee! You really think so!

Online, there was much excitement and argument.
Psy released his second video - Gentleman. It sounds (and looks) like a sequel that pokes fun at his country(wo)men. By the time, you've read this post, the video would've got another 100,000 likes. Personally, I think this video lacks the punch its predecessor had but hey! those pelvic thrusts are way easier to copy and spoof.


A video that did cause a lot of uproar was of a pair of (under-aged) Keralite kids whose over indulgent parents allowed to take their million dollar Ferrari and Land Rover Vogue out for a quick spin.
While you can clearly hear how the kids have made their parents mighty proud by their driving skills, I wonder why the cops have not made an example by arresting the kids and their wealthy parents. Obviously, they might have 'bought off' every minister and cop in a 100 km radius but it is parents like these that result in a nation where children don't know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. I shudder to think how many times and what else these parents have allowed their children to do what is wrong from any angle and every culture.

Natural disasters turned many parts of the world into a pile of rubble - Iran, China.

In all that has been happening in India over the past several months, this is clear - What nature left untouched, we succeeded in destroying. As news of how in-laws of a bride destroyed a two month old fetus because she didn't bring in enough dowry, the officials sprung into action. We all like to say how dowry is evil publicly, but behind closed doors the girl is sold pound for fair-skinned pound. 

About 2 years ago, when I was about to marry my then girlfriend, my mom and relatives lectured me on how it is suitable for me to expect and demand dowry from my 'to be' in-laws. On our engagement, I was again 'counseled' by my mom first and several of my 'aunts' on how dowry is necessary so that the girl's family will be held in high prestige because they gave a sizable dowry. Not that my family needed the money. I was appalled. I refused.
This is quite the predicament for any Indian man when he refuses to accept dowry for the right reasons.
You could be a political prisoner or a prisoner of your principles. Our human rights record is not something we can be proud of either.

The Sanjay Dutt mega serial continued. Why must we even negotiate anymore? Can't we see that Munnabhai actually has no intention of going without a fight? If you ask me, the Court should've just picked him up and thrown him into prison 3 weeks ago. What we got instead is 4 more weeks of this drama. Argh!

About a year ago, Samsung lost a high profile patent case in the US, it is back in the news again. For all the wrong reasons, apparently. Clearly, business ethics were given the smack-down.


Bangalore went Bang Galore!
When an IED exploded near the local office of the BJP, everybody ran like headless chicken. Foot-in-mouth politicians had their own colorful theories and we all had a good chuckle. Even as I write this post, there hasn't been a single arrest though there has been plenty of clues.
Boston -1. Bangalore - 0


And that's the way the cookie crumbles!


Thursday, March 28, 2013

While I was gone... Part 2/2 [March 2013]

Picking up from where we left, here's the second installment of that wonderfully hot month of March.
totally unrelated picture...

Kerala - God's Own Country. We might have the lowest school dropout rates, but forbidden sex is still our Achilles heel. The Suryanelli Sex Scandal, an unfortunate yet pertinent remainder of our countryman's sordid story of orgies and gang-rapes reared its ugly head again. But then this scandal is not new. We have such innovative names to our sex scandals. Our most popular jokes are centered around the breasts and nipples. Our best comedy shows show men ogling at the sweeper/maid when she is sweeping the floor wearing just a blouse with plunging necklines and cleavage in cinemascope. The land where male tutorial teachers often flirt and have sexual relationships with their girl students.
Many years after the abuse, the victim and her family is still trying to wake up from the nightmare. They have moved towns, sold nearly everything they had, tried to change identities and desperately start life afresh. But no! Only convicted felons are allowed to reinvent their lives. I am ashamed to think of people who still hound them for juicy tidbits of information. They want to know if she enjoyed the surprise sex. Neighbors revile them like the plague, and the rich and powerful have victimized them. What's surprising is how none of this surprised me. I expected my countrymen to do this to her. I expected our politicians to call her a prostitute. I expected the prime accused and the dozens of co-accused to go on the lam. I can never expect the lady or her family to get justice. 


Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what we do to our women. We peddle them and then react with utter shock and surprise when we are accused. Can it be a coincidence that some of our biggest politicians and a popular comedian have been accused in sex scandals themselves. Surely not.


Earlier this year, as the victim opened the Pandora's box, tongues wagged and heads started rolling. Let's hope this year brings closure to the young lady.


Another lady that celebrated a momentous year was Mrs G. After 15 years on top, she finally got nostalgic. Wonderful timing, I say. Considering how her party has fared under her watch, she does not have much to gloat about. Infact Mrs G talking about the party's success is like Queen Elizabeth celebrating how she has brought prosperity to the British Empire. Yet, this was a good time for the greatest show of sycophancy in a democracy as our media elevated her renunciation of power almost to the level of sainthood. Argh!
While Rahul might be the splitting image of his father, he might be running into rough seas with his 'corporate' style. While any person in their right unmediated mind will be able to see through this charade, I wonder how much longer we have to endure The Family.

Behind every woman is a man who wishes he married her

Uncle Sam wagged his tail and promised to stand guard against the Axis of Evil. I am curious to know how any of this expenditure can help with the fiscal cuts that were supposed to clip the wings of its out of control defense budget. This shortly after N. Korea trained its guns on Uncle Sam. Korea? Sure, bring it on. Italy? No way. Can we have Iron Man, please?

The castration placards came out as another lady was raped in a moving bus by 3 men. How's the victim doing? No Idea. Deja-vu.
And a British lady lept out of her hotel room to escape an attempt to rape. I don't think she is going to be a glowing ambassador for Incredible India after this. The hotel owner and an accomplice was rounded up.
The accused will have meals and accommodation paid for by our tax rupees and be out before her physical wounds heal.
The six bastards who raped the Swiss confessed. Gee! What else did you expect? Its either this or No Money, if you know what I mean.
The CJI lamented how public sentiment against the juvenile was unfortunate. I see! Do you have a daughter of rapeable age, Mr CJI?
While I won't campaign for death, I would definitely want to campaign for stronger enforcement of tougher anti-abuse laws. Is that too much to ask?

And in news that will make our rapists feel good, a victim of a date-rape in Ohio testified she didn't remember anything that happened to her. If you ask, this is not surprising. America's promiscuity is no longer a secret. Her children have consensual sex as young as 9 and rainbow parties and sorority date rapes are a weekend past-time. Just Google for College Group Sex and you'd be amazed at how many videos there are.

Not the real thing..

Our poly-ticks spoke out against their favorite scapegoat - Dr Manmohan Singh. I am pretty sure he will need a lifetime of counseling when he is booted out next year.
Talking about terms, the ruling government in our western twin (not Britain, but Pakistan) completed its five year term in full. Its been that long?
It seems like just yesterday when Musharraf came over, had tea with our PM and invaded Kashmir. Kudos to them for even making it this far, because honestly, if we went through all that they did, we would have personally made sure Mrs G and her government was thrown out of the country, like how the Pakistanis do to their out of flavor politicians.
Like a drunk rolling on a bed infested with bedbugs, the Congress cozied up to Didi. Touche`
Modi sharpened his pitchfork and we mustn't stop talking about 2002. Even if the EU does.

In an shining example of how totally irrelevant and of how much time our young virile journos have in their hands (not to be taken literally), we had to read and listen to hours of 'Breaking News' on whether SRK and Piggy Chops have taken that crucial next step in their relationship. Gosh!
SRK? Seriously?! He is married, has two kids, is hired to dance for jigs and has been making awful movies for a few years.
Piggy? She is young, oozes sensuality, unmarried (that we know of) and can make any Indian male go (moderately) weak in the knees.
Why Piggy? Why?
I'd understand how you want to marry like Aishwarya and retire rich. Throw a stone out the window and you'll get a dozen single, dashing, young and salaried men to marry you.  But please don't marry that old man.

Wiki sneezed and parodied Sir Ravindra Jadeja. Sir Sachin awaits his turn.
Talking about parodies, creative juices spilled and Ford fired.

Poonam bathing and praying..

In other 'major' news, apun Munnabhai is finally going back to prison. Off came the gloves and superficial faux celebrities, some Page 9'ers and even a former lawmaker engaged in the very Indian tradition of sycophancy campaigning for clemency.  Amidst all the brouhaha, Kalnayak agreed to go back to prison. Well, the boy sure has matured, hasn't he?


And here's a peep into the Madhouse called Tamil Nadu


Australia had a washout and we all forgot about Dhoni's sins.
More work for Sunny, dahlings! There is something to learn from all this. While porn-stars like Sunny are trying to make a mark in mainstream media, we have 'no-good' wannabes like Poonam trying to make a mark in mainstream pornography. Call it reverse brain drain or anything you want, but Sunny made it rich because she looks good. Women like Poonam and Sherlyn have the most hideous antisymmetric faces I've ever seen. Pity we still can't repair a face like that. 

See you all next month, folks!


Thursday, February 28, 2013

While I was gone... [February 2013]

So it appears that childhood is indeed the best time of your life, if you are an Indian man, that is. You can rape, confine, pillage and plumb a rod up her vagina or down her throat and no one can throw the book at you. Ahh! that golden age of juvenile innocence so beautifully protected by the high-priests of our noble country. Why would any boy want to hurry through childhood anymore?
While there were lone screams to lower the juvenile age, by the time I'm writing this post, those voices were nothing more than a whimper.
The 'Delhi gang-rape' mega-serial started and the five bastards pleaded 'not guilty'. In the words of Judge Dread 'I knew you'd say that'.
Jyothi's male friend, who was attacked himself, testified against the 6 bastards.
If you ask me, I think 'Delhi gang rape' must be included in the next edition of the Oxford Dictionary for 'Any incident that creates an illusion of change and revolution but does absolutely nothing'.

But I wouldn't blame them for the sudden swing. We had our American Born Confused Desi, Ms Sunny Leone, the object of every Indian male's pride and titillation, tweet that rape was not a crime but just surprise sex. I am quite sure every person who read this tweet would have had images of Sunny buck naked, with her legs spread wide open, getting drilled in places I cannot mention here, while moaning 'Oh yeeeeah... c'mon... give it to me.... ahhh...yesssssss'. Too late to deny this, so wipe that drool off the corner of your mouth.

Waiting for some 'surprise sex'
Sunny didn't realize how we hung onto her (tweets) and deleted the statement but the damage was already done. Her former tweet was picked up and millions of people who had nothing else to write, re-tweeted it. She went about accusing and threatening everyone who accused her of having said this. Big mistake, sweet-cheeks. The rest as they say is history.
I can't imagine how any woman can say this. But then I can also imagine how happy Sunny will really be if she gets raped. That would be her darkest fantasies cumming true, so yes, when we see the statement from her perspective, we shouldn't really trouble her too much. What we must do is welcome her with open arms (and nothing else, mind you) and let her live a normal life in Delhi. Chances are, she will live a full-filled life then and we can continue to enjoy her movies.

In other rapes around the country that made us more blink, a 40 year old man raped his neighbor. Now, what's stopping the law from hanging the middle aged bastard? Oh yeah, he is Didi's land.
And while we are at it, can someone please tell our rapists that they are not supposed to sentence their victims to death?

In happier times...

We showed everyone the speed at which we can crawl when the government got a report out in top speed. And that is about all the good news I have for you today. The report didn't criminalize marital rapes. So that just about saved the asses of about 60% of the husbands who rape and otherwise brutalize their wives. Keeping with our traditions, we all got our multilingual, multicolored placards out and the opposition (well, they are supposed to oppose, aren't they?) opposed. The government defended the ordnance quote-unquote 'there was an urgent need for this law'. Really?! You just realized that now?? 

Our cities are so unsafe that not even Chinese women, who are otherwise used to the perverts in China, are unsafe. China gave a diplomatic tight slap when it demanded India ensure safety of their women. Can it get any worse? 
Let's hope this ordnance brings relief to former victims too. And there was some glimmer of hope  and an online campaign. Ironically, we don't seem to be the only country grappling with heinous crimes against women. South Africans mourned the deaths of a 17 year old girl who suffered at the hands of the same brand of bastards and the murder of Oscar 'the blade runner' Pistorius's girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp

We all forgot about the sinking economy, which the BJP was very kind enough to remind. Gee! Thank you, Mr BJP!
And suddenly everyone has started warming up to the PM-in-waiting. What a suck-up! But the Congress didn't really like it. Grow up, guys!

Talking about urgent need of laws, where was the long arm of the law when Muslim men threatened to rape the girls of 'Pragaash' if they don't stop singing? What the Eff is the problem with us? We profess the need to protect our women and we keep our fingers on our lips when they are threatened by a bunch of effing bastards, who in my opinion should really be hunted down and killed.

As if Bad News Bobby wasn't giving us enough to worry about, a top nuclear scientist from our estranged twin declared their nukes were unsafe. While this could have been really bad news, both of us can be happy that Indians are not as trigger happy as the Americans. And I guess it is also because the Pakis will have to first decipher their Chinese manuals before they can launch them.
But when Zardari and son moved into a bullet proof home, it's time the mere mortals begin to worry.

Shilpa Shetty, former B grade Bollywood wannabe and current hmm.. well, its hard to tell what she is good at. But that didn't deter the young at heart oldie Suresh Kalmadi, from the CWG fame and a guy who's got selective short-term memory, from having his wish fulfilled. Naughty boy!


Kingfisher Airlines posted 'yet' another loss. Duh! Its not like they were the Apple of the skies anyway.
Iran launched its own version of the 5th generation fighter. Commendable!
They managed to create one inspite of the incredible odds (read The entire West) against them and we have been trying to work on one for the past 20 years. Surely, it would have been easier if we would've just greased the palms of a few Italians/Indians, huh? Caught with its hand in the cookie jar, and even as the government has promised to cancel all tainted deals, foreign leaders are queuing up to make a fast buck. From one scam to another, our government looks like a drunk swaying through the corridors of power.

Eygpt! Again. Gosh! 

Syria, from a country that as picturesque as it was, it has now turned into a battlefield. The light at the end of the tunnel is as distant as it was 2 years ago but no-ones the wiser.

O continued to press for tougher gun laws. Keep up the good work, Mr Prez! Don't let this die like your other reforms.


While O was trying to save lives, our Prez seems to have found a penchant to hang. Afzal Guru was finally hung and India broke into a sweat. Perhaps it could have been the manner in which he was hung or perhaps it was way for the Congress to earn a quick brownie point before they are rooted out of power next year.

Wrestling was thrown out of the Olympics  and India and the World erupted. So that's six less medals for India.

Russia got a glimpse of how the End will come, when God decided to throw a short pitch. Half the world gasped in awe and fear. Indian politicians and businessmen barely flinched. Only a meteor strike over Switzerland can make them sweat.

Hyderabad had it bad. Couple of questions:

  • Why must people die to make a statement?
  • What the eff is the government doing?
And IIPM showed how it is a sore looser. 
It had the government block about 100 sites, included a few of its own, that spoke the truth about the fraud that is IIPM. Hey Arindam! I think IIPM is the biggest sign of corporate fraud that can happen in India. I dare you to block my post. Thankfully, our hackers returned the favor and hacked his site too. Score!

That's All, Folks!
Good Night and God Bless!


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