Showing posts with label Utter Waste of Time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Utter Waste of Time. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Dont try this at home

Please don’t commit these hideous Facebook crimes. If you are currently guilty, stop now before the whole world becomes aware of your apparent lack of Facebook etiquette.
Remember, these aren’t mere suggestions, they are warnings. Stop now or be judged later by the Facebook Gods – they are fierce, unforgiving and may sentence you to eternity on MYSPACE!!!
Facebook Don’t:

1. Couples, DON’T put cutesy “No, I love you more!” posts on each other’s walls. ESPECIALLY when you live together. It screams desperate and just makes others jealous…like me. Cuz I can’t even get my boyfriend to put ‘In a Relationship’ on his profile. But I’m totally fine with it. I mean we’ve only been dating 7 years so it’s like totally NOT a big deal. Okay, moving on…

2. Don’t send notices out for ALL CAUSES. Be selective. Pick and choose. If you are already a part of the cause to stop animal cruelty, stop crimes against children, eat vegetarian and adopt a fugly person to date – that’s enough. Stop there. If you’re for all the causes – you’re really for none of the causes and everyone will nickname you FAKEY McFakerson with a capital F!

3. Learn how to flip your pics. Nothing says “I’m a total internet granny” like posting pics that are sideways or upside down. Seriously, you can do it. There is a flipping option under the pic after you upload it.  It’s just plain unfair because we all know that everyone looks hotter sideways and/or upside down. Show us your TRUE SELF~

4. TMI! There is a such thing as TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Your Facebook friends don’t need to know about your last bowel movement, what it looked like, smelled like or what it took to create it.

5. Depressing status updates. Quit bumming us out with depressing status updates where you say “my life sucks” or “this is the worst day EVER” or “I’ll be dead by the morning.” Seriously! At first I liked this because it made me feel better about my life, but after seeing people post these depressors daily – Facebook friends no longer want to empathize with you. Instead, they want you to start lying. Facebook is not your therapist or BFF. It’s time to face the reality that some of your friends got stuck befriending you in hopes that this would deter you from stabbing them one day.

6. OVERLY HAPPY STATUS UPDATES WITH TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS THAT ARE IN ALL CAPS!!!!! Okay, so you may think you have the best husband, boyfriend,wife, mistress, kid, cat, or disease EVER, but guess what, you don’t and no one agrees with you. Our selfish minds won’t let us because all we think when you proclaim your “bests” is  - “Ours are better!”

7. Excessive status updates about how much good stuff you do like volunteer, work out, eat
vegetables and feed the elderly.  GOOD FOR YOU! Now keep that stuff to yourself, FACEBRAGGER!

8. Taking more than 2 quizzes a day is UNACCEPTABLE. Get a life! Not like I have one, but I know others that do have a life and it doesn’t involve finding out what Hoggwarts character you are and when you are going to get married. It’s just nonsense, especially when guess what, you are already married!

9. If you receive event invitations the WORST reply is ‘Maybe.’ This is okay if you really are on the fence and plan on making up your mind and posting yes or no before the event. However, always being the ‘Maybe’ person doesn’t go unnoticed and infuriates the Facebook Gods. You don’t want your FaceRights taken away from you now, do you?

10. If you beat my Farkle score, under no circumstance is it okay for you to post your win to my wall. Since I play Farkle obsessivelyoften, I already know. Braggers don’t make for good FB friends and sometimes Farkle just feels bad for people and gives them a really high score, which coincidently puts them ahead of me on the scoreboard. So it’s not about talent or good luck, it’s just about pity, but not when it happens to me.
Now get a sense of humor and follow these tips AND you will have the best social networking life EVER!

Passing the Poop

What is the deal with email forwards?
I receive like 500 email forwards a day. Each forward seems to be as lame as the next. Why do people waste their time sending this stuff? If it’s supposed to be entertaining, guess what? It’s not! The themes of these forwards are always highly offensive and often times just plain scary.
Common themes of email forwards include:
Forwards including pictures of cuddly newborn animals with a giant sign that reads: I LOVE YOU or YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. These forwards are pointless and insincere since they are also sent to 97 of your other “best friends.” How special am I supposed to feel when I’m included in a giant list from your Hotmail contacts (some of whom I know you don’t even like)? The bottom line is that If you were really my friend and wanted to show me that you care, you wouldn’t send me a mass forward. Instead you would give me money, call me, inquire about my life, braid my hair or maybe read one of my blogs.
Forwards including an imperfect mixture of Christian/Patriotic sentiments about the importance of prayer in public schools, the destruction of brown-skinned people, how life begins at the make-out session and/or how God will save me if I join your cult church. When I get these forwards all I can think is – do you even know me? And, it may be time to add your email address to my BLOCKED list. No thanks Jim Jones. I’m not drinking your Flavor-Aid no matter how many crazy forwards you send me.
Forwards including some type of “funny” joke about race, size, and economic status. Were you wearing a large white hood over your head when you sent this? Is that why you were unable to read the “joke” that you just sent me?  You’re definitely no Chris Rock, but you could pass for Strom Thurmond. And you may right now be thinking – who the eff is Strom Thurmond? And you know why you’re thinking that? Because you spend too much time sending these dumb forwards! I blame Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy for your lapse in comedic judgement. Forget you might be a redneck because you are a racist! And please DON’T get’ er done!
Forwards including chain letters. These may be the worst thing ever invented. At the end of each of these forwards it usually reads: PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO AT LEAST 1, 568 PEOPLE IN THE NEXT 2 SECONDS OR YOUR DOG WILL BE DROWNED IN A BLOOD-FILLED BATHTUB BY ATHEIST VAMPIRES WHO ARE VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA! Are you serious!?! I never waste my time forwarding this crap because chain letters are just another way of filling our time with useless tasks that keep us enslaved to ignorance and repetition. In the time it took you to send that forward to all of your friends, you could have done something worthwhile like brush an old person’s hair; dust off your Precious Moments figurines; and/or finish the crossword puzzle in your latest issue of Soap Opera Digest. I mean where are you priorities people!?!

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