Showing posts with label selfie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label selfie. Show all posts

Sunday, April 06, 2014

And that's the way the cookie crumbled ... until now [2014]

Well, that was some Q1, wasn't it!

Arvind Kejriwal came in with a bang, and left at the same speed he came. He cried hoarse and we all sympathized with him.
So what if he isn't in power, his stock has only gone north since. Armchair campaigners everywhere are sitting up and googling him to their heart's content. They say he will be the best PM India can ever have. Sigh! Thousands said the same thing about our beleaguered Singh a few years ago.

In other familiar news, a 28 year old Mumbai girl was raped and left for dead by Pramod Upadhyaya, the night watchman at her own apartment complex.
A couple of clicks away, a homemaker in Mumbai was raped and filmed. What followed will shock your senses - The rapist's wife saw the video and went back and blackmailed the victim. The victim promptly killed herself.
And finally, a 17 year old girl escaped on the way to her 6th wedding in Hydrabad, to an Arab sheikh. I'll leave you to google the sh*t out of these 3 stories.
And I am pretty sure our government is sipping the good stuff right from the pond, in statistics that will either make you proud, or cringe in pain (depending who you are), India has the lowest non-partner sexual violence in the world.
But if you are a female (of any age) and would like to avoid getting raped, please listen to our beloved Asha Mirge of the National Women's Commission and 'Check your body language...'.
I'll now let you marinate in these nuggets of wisdom.

But not all was lost, the Shakti Mills dual rape set a precedent and the rapists got the noose. No, don't celebrate. Not yet.

In tragedies normal yet avoidable, an overcrowded ferry sunk off the coast of the idyllic islands of Andamans. 21 were killed. Many of them honeymooners. It is a sheer atrocity that we are citizens of a country let tragedies like this repeat.

So what if the government thinks a large percentage of us are dispensable resources, the SC did a second guess and ruled that gay sex is illegal.
But if you think you'll need acid anytime in the future, better buy them in bulk now before the deadline allowing sale of acids over the counter comes into force. News is that acid is literally flowing over the counters these days and the suppliers are laughing all the way to the acid factory.


Our western arch-rival cum estranged twin went to the headmaster and complained that we are getting more golden stars than him. Now, repeat after me - AWWWWWW

Our MPs might have lost the red beacons but they sure are flying in style in the land of maharajas. The Committee of Privileges (they even have a committee for that?!!) decried that all private airlines must allow MPs and their coterie the dignity of a maharaja. You think?!

And Microsoft launched the Chastity bra. Great! I just hope it doesn't hang (no pun intended) and give you the BSOD. 

Talking about Microsoft, Indians' came one step closer to world domination. We got our boy 'elected' as the king and CEO of MS. And we couldn't stop talking about how proud we were that we didn't give him (and thousands like him) the creative and academic nourishment here in India, so that he ended up having to go abroad. Brain drain, anyone?

In another case of brain drain, Americans got fed up with Beiber. Finally! They got 50,000 signatures asking Beiber to be deported. Epic!

Our shy and reticent Defense Minister, AK Antony came back from vacation, answered all his emails and got to work. And how!

The land of a billion, sent 3 athletes and 4 officials to the Winter Olympics at Sochi, Russia. Go figure.

Malya, the king of good times, surely knows how to give the tough run too. It appears that banks won't recover even a third of what they lend to the beleaguered airline. Gee, I so like it when one of my predictions come true.

Srini Saar got ICC but lost the BCCI. So folks of the Western World, this is how we are. We just can't let go!

And if you thought we only discriminate against Pakistanis, you are wrong. We cannibalize our own too. Nido Tania became the latest statistic of our hatred towards people who don't look like the rest of us. Delhi went into 'Kill the Chinky' mode. Chaos!

Li Na, one of the only top seeded Tennis player from Asia who actually wins tournaments and is easy on the eye(pun intended at you, Sania) won another tournament. Saina did us proud too! Girl Power!

Yuvi sold himself for a prince's ransom - at Rs 14 crores, he is Bangalore's newest blue eyed boy in IPL 7. Who said Malya doesn't have money? In your face, Kingfisher staffers, In your face!

Bloodbath at IBM! So was at Thomson Reuters, and a dozen other companies that wanted to shed those extra calories.

Penguin stripped The Hindu. No, not in Gotham. The pen was traded for the greenbacks and the fanatics. Being the pacifist people that we writers are, the most we will do is - take a hike.

Selfies became all the rage. And poor Leonardo Di Caprio didn't even get himself into the most famous selfie. He is as jinxed as Sreeshanth!

So we know that India is a land of glorious opportunities. Who you know is what matters.
Let me present to you the story of 2 princes -
Tarun Tejpal, convicted of rape and packed off to jail.
Shashi Tharoor, thrice married and probably the luckiest widower alive! Wife #3 dies in mysterious circumstances. Autopsy revealed several injuries and a couple that proved fatal. The man has neither been jailed on circumstances nor being investigated. The staffer that discovered the body quit her job and has been unreachable. Is it just me or does this stink of a coverup? Whatever it is, Aarushi's parents would've loved to use the Shashi Tharoor privilege card.

In Europe, Crimea burned. Russia took back its prodigal son and turned the dial back 20 years.
And Facebook got Whatsapp. So now Zuckerberg is responsible for the 50% of the time we waste every day.
Saharashree Subrata ran out of his 'Get out of jail Free' cards and was thrown into jail. He now plans to ask his 'faithful-as-a-dog' employees to raise his bail money. Where do you get people like this?

And its election fever - every political scumbag worth their black money wants to become the next Prime Minister.

Malaysia Air, the airline that boasts of being the finest in Asia, lost one of its planes and all on-board. And if that wasn't bad enough, the Malaysian PM declared that the aircraft crashed with no survivors, offering no proof of the crash. WOW!
But wait, this just gets better. The authorities want the crisis to settle down so that it won't affect the Grand Prix. Malaysia is Truly Asia!
Back home in India, our $133 million C130 crashed. That's coming straight out of our pockets.
And a local bus was lost, and found. Because, we are that amazing?

The chief minister of Karnataka woke up from his slumber and declared that he would commission the world's tallest statue here in Bangalore. Great! The government may not have money to pay its civic agencies but has plenty to pour in a pissing match with Modi.
Both of you, take a page from these slum girls. They raised thousands of dollars to fund a free library of books for underprivileged children from the Dharavi slum. Take a bow, scumbags. Take a bow.

In other news, Blade Runner Pistorius is in sh*t deeper than his prosthetic can hold him up from.
The makers of RayBan will soon manufacture Google Glass.
Sunny Leone did some justice to Bollywood and did what she does best, In Ragini MMS 2. Cheers to Horrex!


Khushwant Singh (99) passed away. His humor will live longer..
Muthalik was in and out of BJP faster than his disciples could say Attack! No regrets, eh Old Man?!
Egypt sentences over 530 to death. There goes another democracy!
And if you are a girl studying in a school in UK, feel free to pick up a condom before you head home and a morning-after pill when you get back in the morning. The story of our times, eh?

Finally, we truly are a nation of people who are always thinking of saving money. Listen to this - an American boy of Indian origin has proposed to the American government to change the fonts on their documents and save $400 million. So this means they can now save more of the money they don't have.

So this is how the cookie crumbled this year. We had a pretty strong start to another glorious year. With the FIFA World Cup and the IPL round the corner, I could continue to keep you entertained.

See you all soon!


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

While you were gone: November / December 2013

Vanity of vanities.

Life is futile. Case in point - The last 'real' king of the erstwhile princely State of Mysore, art connoisseur and overall pompous guy, Srikanta Datta Wodeyar, passed away after suffering a massive cardiac arrest. This comes a week after he won a hard-fought election at the all powerful Karnataka Cricket Club. For a guy who had seemingly limitless wealth and power, the irony of his end amuses me.

And then when the time comes, we all have to go. Nelson Mandela, arguably the most loved human being on the planet after Mother Theresa, died . And we all mourned. Some in their unique ways. Obama took selfies and we all sat on our moral high horses and tut tuted. Aw c'mon! How many of us can honestly say we haven't done something similar at an inappropriate time?

As Indians, we are used to politicians who speak with their feet in their mouths. After many weeks of seeing Rahul Gandhi in action, we must now appoint him as the head chieftain of our village politics. You want change? You want progressive change? Rahul G is the man!
Don't make him PM, get Modi in power, and have G at the opposition and that could be the start of something good.

Our SC decided to undo any of the good deeds it did over the last year (maybe Santa didn't make it in time) did a double take and put our 'unwanted' back into the dark ages.
Lalu was freed and thanked all for the 'gross injustice that has been undone'. Rabri can now go back to her kitchen.
In one swipe, we have wiped away any sign that we are a free and progressive nation. Rahul might say otherwise, but I doubt if he has the gumption to take initiatives unless we protest.

In an absolute shocking (in a nice way, ofcourse) turn of events, Arvind Kejriwal won the elections at the national Capital and became its newest Chief Minister. That he ousted a chief minister who stayed in power for decades is not the highlight. That he achieved something that was virtually unimaginable just 365 days ago is what gives us the hope that we are not a nation of pushovers.
Kejriwal may not need a certificate from his blindsided rivals, but he got dumped by his former compatriot and that will hurt him for some time to come.
Voters have fought back after years of apathy and this is just the beginning. The torch has been lit and the bonfire is ready. For the first time in history, we are truly ready to be known as a nation of the young who can't wait to set right the wrongs our past has done to us.
We are ready!

But what we are not ready for is when we get stiffed abroad. Ever since 9/11, when Uncle Sam has been suspicious about our curious brown skin and curiouser names. Our celebrities have been fondled at various US airports and we have cried blue murder.
So when an Indian Diplomat was arrested, hand-cuffed and thrown into a cell with murderers, rapists and other white-skinned ruffians, we took offense. And how!

Quick flashback: Devyani Khobragade, acting Consul General and seriously hot PYT, committed visa fraud by misrepresenting facts while hiring a domestic maid from India. She underpaid the maid too and allegedly changed the terms of contract after hiring her.
Well, taken from an Indian context, this is not out of the ordinary. I can name atleast 5 people I know who treat their maids/man-servants worse.
What followed was diplomatic Armageddon. India retaliated so fast that it spun Uncle Sam's head. It was so rare, swift and profound that even our neighbors would've sat up.
What bothers me is how a diplomat from the land of Gandhi, decided to hire a nanny for her children and then treated her as a lesser mortal and how we take offense. See, what rankled our chains is that we are a nation of people where we cannot perceive our middle class being arrested and tried with impartiality. We are so used to being treated with kid-gloves, even when we know we have have done something wrong. Thus the 'anything goes' attitude we are renown for.

And then the skeletons came tumbling out of the cupboard. Apparently, with the way rules were bent during while she was training as a young IFS officer, Devyani is in the league of incredibly powerful Indian women.
Or perhaps we just wanted Uncle Sam to scratch our backs back.
So inspite of breaking the law of the land, and instead of penalizing her, we just moved her to a notch below God. We promoted her to the UN. Aren't we amazing?!

And while we exult our lawbreakers, Kim Jr executes them.
China asserted itself on international waters. Shouldn't come as a shock or a surprise to Americans who have been doing the same for decades since the last World War.

Hrithik Roshan did the split. Van Damme too.

About a year ago, when India was the epicenter of outrage against violence towards women, we all thought it would be the last time, we hear about heinous crimes. Not much has changed. In the months since, we saw grievous criminals go scot-free and others get the wink.

Singapore burned in slow flame. For a city country that seemed so perfect, the riots only proved that people can and will rise against even the most subtle forms of oppression.

For those who have everything in their lives, let's learn to give.

The past year we did have some advertisements that touched our chords, and some hard truths that we have conveniently glazed over..

If you thought education opened man's horizon of thought, think again.
True love? Here's one man's attempt to recreate the magic of his long lost wife
Have some time to kill? Here's the page to be.

Yo Yo Honey Singh, is clearly the flavor of the season. Good for him. And Beiber retired. What?! I know what you're thinking? When did he ever work? Even a semi-trained parakeet could croon better. 



 

For every blockbuster  Bollywood made, we had two duds (Read Dhoom 3).
For every well dressed celebrity, we had 3 nipple slips and convenient other peeps. 


I hope you all have a responsible New Year eve drinking responsibly, introspecting about your achievements and misses for the year that just passed, ready to accept a new year that is filled with the same hope and promise that every new morning brings.

And while you are at it, here's some food for thought -

Make all you can
Save all you can
Give all you can
Happy New Year, folks!


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