While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

In India, there are only a handful of things that you can do if you want to live the Indian dream - Movies, Politics and Cricket. Incidentally, none of them require a high school education.

Enter Vindoo Dara Singh. Description: A movie star (really?!) with deep connections with politicians and other cricketers (and their wives).
Act 2. Scene 2: Enter Gurunath Meiyappan. Outlawed son-in-law of god of (Indian) cricket - Srini. 
So while Srini has elected himself, none of us should really gasp in horror, because we should be accustomed to the nepotism and impropriety in public office. All Hail the dicktator.
Lalit Modi got his Life Ban. He intends to fight it, as soon as he logs on to twitter. 

Talking about dicktators, AK of UP did the predictable. He reinstated the fiery Durga Nagpal. Now, tell me folks, how many of you didn't see this coming? 

In Kenya, bunch of guys with guns and nothing else to do stormed a mall. All hell broke lose and 59 were killed. Apparently, this was in retaliation for Kenyan intervention in the Somalian crisis. So now, the Somalis can expect a Kenyan retaliation for the Somalian retaliation for the Kenyan intervention. 
They sure picked the wrong target. Hell hath no fury like the Israelis. 

..Or Rahul Gandhi, who ripped our poor, quiet-as-a-church-mouse PM Mr Manmohan Singh's ordinance against disqualifying corrupt (!!) politicians. Indian politics is beginning to resemble WWE 'feuds'. What was Rahul doing when his puppet premier was preparing the ordinance? Not picking daisies, I suppose. See, that is the problem with us. We hate it when he does not do anything and we hate it when he does something. Nonsense!

The Supreme Court instructed voters can choose 'None of the above' when they vote. Applause!!
Who will this benefit? How can this clean up the electoral system? For those who believe having the NOTA will rid the government of scum, good luck. 
Those who lose elections at the moment, lose not because their constituents did not believe in them. They lost because they distributed lesser (if any) largess than their competitors. Indian elections are no longer about meaningful debates, sensible and actionable manifestos or integrity of character. Financing an election is super-expensive and the ones who win will step into the league of extraordinarily wealthy gentlemen and the ones who lose, get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) ration card.

But don't even think about getting an Aadhaar card. Because the SC says so.

Meanwhile, our PM has been on the world tour. 
He spoke tough (!!) against Pakistan. Cherish the voice, dear people of India. This is one of those events in our lives when we hear the PM speak. The usual rhetoric - Stop terrorism, then talk. 
Nawaz, in return, told him to get rid of his 'womanly ways'. Hey! How dare you trash talk our PM, that's our birth-right and we don't intend on pawning it anytime soon. Thank you. 
Seeing as how this could be his last year as the puppet, he might as well enjoy the trip. 

Advani did his swan song. Nobody listened.
The US government shut down, as the House of Representatives refused to budge and tries to choke Obamacare. Why is the 'most' educated, industrialized, prosperous and the greatest nation on earth so scared about something as important as health insurance. So for as long as I live, I won't understand why people don't and won't take adequate insurance for themselves. 
In the meanwhile, while this shutdown will put 8 lakh people out of jobs, Republicans like Lee Terry needs his salary to pay for his 'Nice Home'. 
Now repeat after me, ladies and gentlemen: Gloom and Doom. 

Ever wondered why our rapists and murderers (and cricketers) have their faces covered when taken to court/cop-house? No, its not to prevent a sun tan, but to ensure they don't get their good selves trashed to kingdom Kom like these unlucky chaps.

Talking about jails, our Munnabhai got some bail. For 14 days. Looking every bit the part, with a salt and pepper beard and Nehru topi, I think he is ready for politics when he is done with his sentence. 
And oh yeah. So did Jagan. Talk about timing. 

One spurned lover threw acid on her flame. Where are the placards? 
A teenager working as a servant escapes. Its such a pity that juvenile victims are not as lucky as the juvenile accused. Irony of our times.

In other news, Tunisia is fighting sex jihadis (read 'hot, young women') who are traveling to Syria to 'comfort the militants'. Great!!
Another round of mass shooting, in Chicago. The less said, the better. 
An angry Tripura husband sent his estranged wife (his) severed thumb. I'd call this his ultimate sacrifice. He might have already pawned his balls away as alimony. 
All sorts of things were happening at Peshawar - churches getting burned, new islands sprouting from the sea... 

If you ever feel depressed at how inhumane humans have become, take a moment and read this.

Blackberry got juiced. 
Miss Philipines became the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Finally, Grand Masti hit the theaters, with a dull thud.
I watched it. And this is one act that I would like erased from my record. 
How do I put it?
Grand Masti can be compared to the green gooey shitty concoction that cannot be scrapped off from the business-end of a dog that ate the vomit of a drunk who masturbates to David Dhawan movies. 
That it grossed 100 crores grossed the aforementioned dog.

Good luck!

While I was away. June 2013 [Part 1 / 2]

Okay, so you might have heard this before - India is a land of quirks!

Carrying over from the previous month, Srinivasan gave his laundry list of demands and shuffled his feet long enough until we lost interest in what he and his cronies did and latched on to Raj Kundra.
Sreeshanth placed his bets with God and stopped shaving and Dhoni got an honorable mention. 

And I laughed when Shilpa started complaining about how the media is treating her husband and her. Oh really?! It is the media who made you a 'celebrity'. If it wasn't for the fiasco at 'The Big Brother', you would've have married Viveik Oberoi and changed your name to something equally atrocious.

We don't have to be told our politicians have the combined IQ of a comb. We know that already. But when one Mumbai politician banned the display of bikini-clad mannequins, some of us gasped. Have we become so sex-starved that we get the stiffy just by looking at mannequins now?!

We had some big budget masala movies hitting the theatres. And unless you've been buried, you couldn't have missed the promos of 'Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani'. While I am tempted to warn you, after reviewing a few tasteless Bollywood movies last year, I decided I'd stop torturing myself. So I still won't tell you how terrible this movie is, but let you make yet another poor choice in your life. 

Ah Aadhaar! India's answer to an unified Civil ID/Social Security number. You have to have one, even if you are just a dog, a chair or a plant. And if you are a lady who loves to walk around without the dupatta, you might have to wear one for the photoshoot. No, don't blame them, they just gave Aadhaar to a dog.

Like the prodigal son, Infosys limped back to its owner. Narayan Murthy and his son Rohan Murty (without the h) took over the reins of the IT bellwether. The rules were conveniently bent and they promised to take home just Re 1 as their annual salary. That's one video each on Airtel, Mr Infosys. While you are at it, why don't you surrender all that high-priced stock too?

After the Great Indian Circus that kept us occupied for the past 3 months, we are back to what our men do best - Rape and Kill.
A young lady died after being splashed acid, a couple of foreigners got raped and one even went missing. So its business as usual.

Another inane (Indian) government agency ruled that we shouldn't be tortured with a lot of ads on TV. Don't these guys have anything better to do? 

And talking about doing things better, here's a breakup like none other. Don't blame me, I'll simply do a Srinivasan on you.

Indian directory service, JustDial went public and did amazingly well. Poonam Pandhey found a news article in her name, alas it was a summons.

In similar weird news, a man trying to catch ghosts in his house instead caught his wife having sex with his son. Candid Camera!

Last month, we all spoke eloquently about how Angelina's 'selfless' act of emancipation would translate to better awareness. 

None of this will matter to the locals at Fukushima or Jharkhand. To quote a sentence from the movie 'Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift', we 'not just played with fire, but soaked the matches in gasoline'.

Indians love working in the Middle East. Building their monuments and readying their economies for a future when oil will run out. Tempted with fat currency conversion rates, plane-loads of Indians are shipped by unscrupulous travel agents to work as slaves. Their salaries are tax-free, not free. With much of the work completed, there wouldn't be a more painless way to do it than to deport them. This would also ensure they can never crawl their way back here. Swift and clean.

We are famous for titing our tats. We did plenty of that last year. So when China announced it was going to buy a 100 warships, our impotent leaders thought 'Arey yaar! Why don't we also buy a 100 of 'em'. 
There is a difference though - Their economy and industries have been growing phenomenally for the past couple of decades, unlike ours. In all of this, I am reminded of the Malayalam proverb- 'If the goat tries to shit like the elephant, the outcome isn't going to be pretty'.

When the Chinese weren't window shopping, they shoplifted. In elaborately orchestrated cyber attacks on American defense systems, the Chinese stole top secret defense and military documents.

An unwed Chinese mother flushed her new born baby boy down the toilet. My heart goes to the child and I hope that is the last time he sees the sewers in his life. Her mother's motivation to hide the pregnancy and the father's reluctance to care for the woman he impregnated is appalling but something most Indians would identify with.
If they would've done the 69, there wouldn't have been the Baby 59. Just saying.

Syria did a North Korea, when it announced a stockpile of weapons from Russia. Great! Just what we needed to tip the scales.
... and North Korea did an Aman Ki Asha. The South and the North decided to reopen the one legacy of peace and unity in the region. 

Putin upgraded. So did Modi. No Surprises, there.
Nawaz spoke and his army shot. Same story.

As I end another rumbustious post, let's have a moment of silence to mourn the tragic death of Jiah Khan, a promising actress and a beautiful woman. While we won't understand what pushed her over the edge, I hope faux celebrities like Shobhaa De would think twice before mutilating her reputation online. Shobhaaaa, that comment was despicable (even by your standards) but we'll return the favor when you die.

Adious!