Rustom | The corny movie review by Navin

Rustom - A movie whose sole premise revolves around salacious details of a crime and the way justice was maliciously subverted a few decades ago.

Akshay Kumar stars as Rustom Pavri, a highly decorated Indian Navy officer, who returns home to realise his young and gorgeous wife Cynthia Pavri (performed by Ileana D'Cruz) is in love with Vikram Makhija (Arjan Bajwa). 
Rustom goes on to kill Vikram and the plot start coagulating thereon. 

Akshay has always been prone to typecast. Until a decade ago, he used to play the almighty kung fu action hero. Perhaps age has forced him to choose movies that are factually incorrect, dramatised for maximum effect (aka Bollywoodised). He is the righteous protagonist, fighting for his ideals, is flawed but can't do any wrong, sleepwalks through much of this movie.

I found the movie painfully slow, with the scene where Rustom leaves Cynthia for London at the port being repeated at least 6 times (okay, we get it!), the subplot of the scam, the off-the-cuff insinuation that the Navy is corrupted all the way up, and adding the 36 minutes of songs in a 2 hour 30 minute movie, you tune out after the 3rd song. 
I thought the twists weren't masterly rendered. 
So while there has been considerable attention to detail which I liked, I found the errors in Akshay's uniform unpardonable. For a 'prop' that was used throughout the movie, did the movie-makers assume no one else would recognise the mistakes? A cursory google search will tell you about the many glaring technical, and factual errors in this movie.  So I'll spare you the litany here.
I think Illeana did a decent job. She played the remorse-filled, bored Navy wife sufficiently well.
Esha Gupta is eye-candy. She should probably take meatier roles so that she is not typecast in the future.
The courtroom drama was too predictable at times. 

Would I recommend it?
This is a celluloid version of The Blitz, the actual tabloid that created and swayed public opinion, at the time of K. M. Nanavati v. State of Maharashtra.
Like his previous movie - Airlift, many cinematic liberties have been taken. 
Prepare to unlearn facts you've read about KM Nanavati if you want to watch this movie. 

My rating: 5

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

Sultan | The corny movie review by Navin

Sultan : Salman Khan has yet another reason to wear lesser clothes than his female co-workers (or Deepika Padukone in her movies) this year.

This movie is about how Salman Khan's character Sultan Ali Khan becomes a wrestler to win the heart, love and respect of the only hot belle in his village - Anushka Sharma's character Aarfa (who incidentally has her make-up always on and no bad hair-days and not a single pimple/grime from all that mud wrestling) and the story takes you through some twists and turns of the egotistical yet emotional Haryani village lad former Greco-Roman wrestler turned MMA wrestler.

Let's call the movie for what it really is - 'Sultan' is a crowd-pleaser and will definitely earn its makers and star several 100x of what it cost to make. It caters to his legions of female fans who will drool at the mere mention of his name. 

There is nothing new about this movie that you haven't already seen in a dozen other 'underdog' movies before. Off the top of my head, I can quote the 'Never Back Down' & 'Rocky' series, 'Karate Kid', 'Cars' (!) and a bunch of others. 
Salman Khan has probably reached that elusive 'Sunny Leonne' point in his career where his performance doesn't matter as much. No matter how trashy the plot is, people will flock to their movies. Women can't wait to see him in spandex and six packs. The movie-watching populace, fed on tales of his philanthropy and bad-boy/'virgin at 40' image, will propel this movie to the ₹500 crore club. 

For starters, Salman should be allowed to play his age. Dating and marrying a lady roughly half his age, even onscreen, is a major turn-off. 
There are a few extremely sexist jokes his character makes ('women are born to be hotheads' etc) but that will probably slide off the backs of our feminists. 
What the heck was Randeep Hooda doing in this movie? He is either munching something or mouthing something foul. 

I found the script very kitschy and the acting (bar a couple of rare instances) even worse. 
Starting a blood bank?! Yes, that is exactly what the village needed. 
I doubt if MMA fighters could be taken down by a slam, and the movie glosses over a lot of other technicalities. 
There is a flashback within a flashback and you see Sultan grinning like a love-struck idiot every time he glances upon Aarfa. Sure. That look might have sold Maine Pyaar Kiya a million years ago. At the wrong side of 40, I found this look on his face so brilliantly retarded, I now believe him when he says he is a virgin. No lady worth her pasty white skin would fall for that look.

Would I recommend it?
This is a movie that would have been hailed 'inspirational' if it was made 20 years ago. 
Today, movie-goers are exposed to better 'underdog' movies where their characters are truly inspirational. This isn't a Forrest Gump for sure. This is a 'Houseful' masala movie, catered to feed masses. 
In a matter of speaking, Salman and SRK make movies that are beneficial to our psychology. They encourage you to practice 'Suspension of belief' every time you watch their movies. 

My Rating: 2 (and I'm being generous here)

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

Udta Punjab | The corny movie review by Navin

Udta Punjab: Yet another proof that any publicity (even unwelcome publicity from senile old uncles and aunties at the Censor Board) is good publicity.

Put simply, Udta Punjab is about how ingrained drugs are in Punjab. This is old (cheap) wine repackaged in new plastic bottles. There are a couple of songs and Alia running and braying (aka crying) and then Shahid Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor. You'd be forgiven if you see similarities between Jab We Met and Udta Punjab. 
While I'll give brownie points for even making a movie like this, I think there is a lot of reasons why this will be a movie that you can wait to watch when it comes on the 'Worldwide Television Premiere' on Hindi cable TV. 

The most important of them is - they have got the technicalities so wrong, anyone who has worked even remotely with deaddiction and rehab centers will cringe at how drug addiction is portrayed. Heroin/cocaine and its sister drugs are extremely potent and evil. Getting addicted to these will affect the way you appear, speak, think and basically function. Withdrawal is even worse. Alia's character is shown to be addicted to the drug but when she is 'hunting' for it, there isn't the craving and the 'urgent insanity' that addicts will go through. She looks disheveled and bruised and that's about it. Shahid looks dapper and fit and while he does the part of the raving drug addict well, where he fails miserably is the post-jail/rehab. For a guy who couldn't perform if he wasn't coked up to his cock, one night at the slammer does what years at a rehab cannot do - Kick the habit. His 'clean' act fails so bad, I feel pity at the guy for even trying. 
This movie has so many other glaring inconsistencies, continuity issues, and factual errors, I doubt if they even tried to edit. 
Kareena Kapoor was only there to add some glamor to the movie. For an actress who could carry a movie on her shoulders, Udta Punjab was definitely the wrong choice.

Infact I felt the makers confused drug addiction with alcoholism because none of the people who are seen taking drugs in the movie resemble what an actual drug addict would do, say or think. 
I found the part where Kareena's and Diljit's character go snooping around in the godown in the middle of the night unbelievably amateur and without any foresight. I find it unbelievable drug lords would let their godowns unsecured the way it is being portrayed. I found the many songs and the hint of romance between Kareena's character and Diljit Dosanjh's character distracting. 

Would I recommend it?
Udta Punjab is a wonderful example of what happens when its makers (and actors) don't do their homework. 
Apart from growing a mane and working up a leaner body, Shahid doesn't seem to be getting inside the skin of his character. Apart from Prabhjyot Singh, who plays Diljit's brother, none of the other actors appear committed to the cause. Diljit appears authentic but gets watered down with too much gooey stuff 40 minutes into the movie. Some of the metaphors are deep, like the one where Alia is falling and then swimming towards a light. Technically, this movie is a bust and didn't deserve one bit of the publicity it got.
Udta Punjab doesn't tell you anything different that other movies of the same genre haven't told better. Any premise of promise is diluted to the point where you can guess the climax of the movie right by the time you are packed off for popcorn at the interval. 
This is a bad waste of good money but hey, you get free air-conditioning and an eyeful of Shahid's abs, so the girls won't be complaining. 

My Rating: 2

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

Te3n | The corny movie review by Navin

Amitabh Bachchan is a fantastic actor. Fact.
Proof: Te3n

DISCLAIMER:
If you've already watched Wazir, you might start yawning about 40 minutes into the movie.

This is a movie about how 3 people's persistence in solving a crime that happened almost a decade ago pays off. 
Amitabh revels as the persistent grandfather living with the guilt of a crime that hasn't been able to wrap his head around. I particularly love the way he portrays the guilt physically. 
Nawazuddin Siddiqui brings an other-worldly intrigue to the entire plot. His mannerisms are down to the wire.

Vidya Balan is mostly frowning, whizzing past or barking out orders. She is an excellent actor and if any of her previous work can testify, it is that she can hold the fort all by herself. Yet, Te3n isn't a Vidya Balan movie. It is an Amitabh Bachchan/Nawazuddin Siddiqui movie. I wish she had a meatier role but that's the way it is.

A remake of the South Korean movie Montage, Te3n is almost exquisite, if it weren't for the pace. 
Upto the half-way mark, Te3n is as gripping as Kahaani and Wazir. Once you are back with a fresh bucket of popcorn, things start plateauing. The intrigue is still there, but I thought Bachchan's gruff low tones was a little too low, Balan looked perpetually pregnant and Siddiqui looked like he was the out of touch detective. How a church pastor can get so much time to solve a crime is a lesson in time management our pastors must learn. 

Would I recommend it?
Hell ya!
This is one of the best whodunnits Indian cinema has and deserves to be watched twice. 
The makers couldn't have chosen a better city and the casting was spot on. 
I won't reveal the plot but Te3n is one of those movies where you will be at the edge of your seat and one where you will kill anyone who causes an interruption during the climax. 
Over the last few movies starting from Piku, Wazir and now Te3n, Amitabh has proven why he is the best grumpy old man Indian Cinema can ever have. Like fine wine that has been aged in the right conditions, Bachchan brings Te3n alive.

My rating: 8

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

Airlift | The corny movie review by Navin

Airlift
Akshay Kumar does what he has learned to do best since the last couple of years - Play the savior of the masses. 

Airlift is about the (plight and) evacuation of the Indian diaspora when the Iraqis invaded Kuwait in the morning of 2nd August 1990. 

As a person who was personally affected by what happened during this period in Kuwait, I can tell you this movie is 30% fact, 70% fluff/fiction. 

Of course, Airlift wasn't made as a documentary nor is it going to win any awards for authenticity, yet the shameless and inaccurate way historical facts were omitted/edited does a lot of disservice, especially to the memories of all those made the exodus and those who couldn't. 
Here are some realities that the movie conveniently omitted - 

• Iraqis didn't go about looting individual homes.  There were some sections of elite streets that were protected by well-trained armed guards and many of these homes were not touched by looters. Infact, I know lots of Indians (who were stranded there simply because they couldn't afford the journey back to India) who looted unguarded homes of people who left Kuwait once the Iraqi armed forces' were engaged by the coalition during Operation Desert Storm/Sheild.
• Iraqis didn't have the patience to interrogate you. The way the Iraqi soldiers rough up Akshay's character in the beginning of the movie is very tame considering the reality. They will kick the sputum out of you and you will be lucky to walk upright if you don't end up dead. If you were a Kuwaiti, you would either be raped (if female) or shot in cold blood (if male). Period. A general exception to the rule was if you were an Indian, some in the higher ranks were genuinely curious and polite to you. 
• Iraqis did rape and torture a lot of men, women and children. Thousands of Kuwaitis were taken POWs and the 'Save the POWs' movement after the war was a national effort that paid off many years later.
• Hotels, museums and other public places were looted and vandalised beyond belief. Priceless Picassos and the finest Italian marble floors were stripped and trucked to Baghdad within the first week of the invasion. So were exotic and expensive cars and other treasures. You could not imagine driving around in anything beyond a Toyota and if you were driving in a Rolls Royce, you'd be really lucky if you didn't die while being 'relieved' of your car. 
• Torture camps were set up at local football grounds where Kuwaiti men were 'treated' to Iraqi 'hospitality'.
• Many people (read Indians) took this opportunity to make a quick buck. Gullible expats were extorted off their valuables for a safe passage out of Kuwait. 
• The ruling family (The Al Sabah family) fled the country minutes before the first tanks rolled into the city. One of the brothers of the royal family was killed and his 'martyrdom' was celebrated after the Iraqis retreated.
• The country's infrastructure was completely wrecked and devastated and beaches and deserts remained out of bounds for many months after the invasion because of mines. 
• Fuel was a premium and many people would abandon their vehicles simply because they couldn't get fueled up. How a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce and the many buses managed to tank up in that crisis is a work of pure fiction. 
• Checkpoints were ruthlessly guarded and unless you were part of the Iraqi army, you weren't going to get through those check posts without getting shot at by a tank. 
• Iraqis didn't speak English or Hindi. Most were just illiterate, young men forced into the army.
• After the first month, Iraqis were getting ambushed by the local resistance in Kuwait. So there were a lot of Iraqi soldiers who were getting killed and living in fear.
• Iraqis would never address Saddam Hussein the way the General did in the movie. And for the same reason, Iraqis would never even think (let alone utter) something or say something against the 'Knight of the Arab nation' or a member of the Baathist party. Mere rumor of such a thought was enough for Uday or Qusay Hussein to kidnap, torture and execute the originator of such a thought and his/her entire families. 
• The roads leading out of Kuwait were not as smooth and obstacle-free as it appeared in the movie. There were human body parts, abandoned cars, mines, burned out trucks, fire from oil fields, ominous presence of Iraqi patrols, and absolute anarchy. The Highway of Death wasn't fiction and the roads leading out of Kuwait was bad much before the coalition rained on the Iraqi parade.
• Nothing is mentioned about their passage through Baghdad (which itself was a very modern city at that time) into Jordan. 
• And finally, why isn't IK Gujral ever mentioned as being pivotal to this exodus? Perhaps, pandering to the fragile whims of the current regime. I'll let you decide.

And the list of inaccuracies could go on.

Would I recommend?
Airlift is yet another proof of how Bollywood doesn't have the maturity to recreate historical facts with accuracy, and this could because they don't have the money to do it or the willingness to say the vanilla truth. Airlift clearly isn't a Green Zone or even a Argo.
The Director lacks the technical finesse to tell a story like this and it shows. Who hires an actor who has a very thick South Indian accent to play an Iraqi General?!!!

Airlift is Bollywoodised and the many songs and a totally inappropriate dance (that never happened) compromised the integrity of what could have been a great movie.
Stay away if you know what really happened during those dark months in Kuwait. Watching this movie made my blood boil with outrage at how facts were misrepresented. 

My rating: 1 (and I'm being really generous here..)

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

Wazir | The corny movie review by Navin

Wazir
Farhan Akhtar and the Big B have come together to create a movie about vengeance  - served fresh and masterly cooked.

The movie is about the grief and retribution, first of Farhan's character (Danish) when his young daughter is killed in a shoot-out and then about Big B's character (Omkar) who has been stewing in the grief of having lost his beloved daughter in a mysterious way.
If you have a critical eye, you'll notice that there are countless silly mistakes, glaring continuity and technical errors peppered in the movie. For instance, for anyone who has been drenched in torrential rain can vouch, a wallet won't stand a chance and you will have to dry-clean the contents before you are even capable of folding it, but Omkar's wallet appears to fall to the ground still folded and even when Danish finds it, the wallet is perfectly dry and limber. Ditto for the John Abraham's bit role, where he provides a sniper backup to Farhan in the climax. A professional sniper will never scope from a window opening. How a movie as meticulous as this misses a finer detail (which is also the point where the plot thickens) is what will make this movie just another try at being the best.

However, if you are willing to oversee these mistakes, the movie is a gripping tale and easily one of those movies you can watch to whittle-away 2 hours. 
Farhan appears to have a perpetual angry frown and looks every bit the cop who is out to get vengeance. That said, I doubt if our police and intel agencies have protocols that are as fluid as was portrayed in the movie. 
Big B looks devious and plays the treacherous villain disguised as the hapless pawn in the movie. 
No one else gives a performance worth a mention. 

In case the title/poster hasn't given it away already, Wazir is an amateur chess-lover's movie. 
Like any other movie of this genre, many loose ends are tied by the time the movie ends and Farhan's character gives a very tepid smile and an equally lackluster hug that Aditi Rao Hydari's character (who plays Ruhana, Danish's wife) gives him.

Would I recommend it?
This isn't a Jason Bourne movie. It isn't even close to that.
It doesn't have the technical and story-telling finesse of a Hollywood thriller. 
Songs! It has 27 minutes of songs in a 107 minute movie! Songs have been used as a movie tool to fast-forward through the movie. 
Wazir definitely is an above-average movie. It doesn't get the 'Just Pass' grade, but makes it through to 'First Class', but this movie doesn't deserve the acclaim and pomp it got. For audiences who have been fed on scripts that are a lot tighter and gripping, Wazir is like a balloon that deflates even before you get to the car.

My rating: 4

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.

8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience.

Kapoor & Sons | The corny movie review by Navin

Kapoor & Sons is standard Bollywood Karan Johar fare. There is some amount of bonhomie, drama, and a fair share of out-of-place songs and dances. Meh!

What Karan Johar outing is complete without Alia Bhatt and where Alia Bhatt is, there you'll find Sidharth Malhotra. Karan surely knows how to cast the right amount of eye-candy in his movies. There is a certain amount of realism in Kapoor & Sons with the standard dose of simmering resentment, hidden angst and this movie is all about how everyone in the big Indian dysfunctional family discovers and then deals with each of their flaws. 

There are moments in the movie where you are right there among the characters. Feeling their frustration and their anger. And then there are moments when you are done with the movie because the plot is too predictable. 
Kapoor & Sons is every bit an emotional rollercoaster ride and be sure to bring your tissues along.  
The car crash is quite evidently the point where things boil over and where the drama peaks. 
I can understand why the other characters were cast (stereotypical grumpy grand-dad included), but what the hell is Alia doing in this movie? Probably to sell the posters.

Would I recommend it? Hmm, I am on the fence here. If you are craving for a good old-fashioned tear-jerker from Bollywood, you have to watch Kapoor & Sons. You won't be disappointed. I felt the movie had a consistent pace and there are parts of this movie where the acting was pure gold. 
Don't expect to have an epiphany and you can leave your logical brain at the parking lot. 
I am not a fan of Bollywood family dramas, yet I enjoyed the way the story unraveled. But would I watch it again? No. 

My rating: 7

What does the rating mean? 
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

Neerja | The corny movie review by Navin

Neerja.

By now, this name evokes a strong sense of national pride for an ordinary person who rose to an extraordinary challenge that saved hundreds of 
people. Yes, there are countless other brave people who have done far more courageous acts away from the spotlight but we'll let all that pass and 
focus on Neerja.

Neerja isn't a documentary (like its disclaimer says) but a Bollywoodisque-version of what transpired onboard the Pan Am flight 73 in September 1986. Sonam Kapoor, otherwise known as one of the most over-rated 'actress' of our times, plays the young and effervescent Neerja, a loving daughter, a dutiful wife who endured emotional abuse, kind friend to total strangers, budding model and a passionate air-hostess.

This biopic begins with a lot of promise. As viewers who already know what happens later, there is a special sense of dread and foreboding.
The characters are as real as it gets. The violence, the emotions, the panic and the trauma is real without any of the drama that most other hijack movies feed us. 

Where the movie excels is its storytelling and its ensemble. 
Individually, every actor in the movie were the perfect choice for the character they played. Together, they made this movie come alive. 
Neerja is one of those movies you watch before you read the Wikipedia article. 

I would have wished the movie didn't have as many songs as it had or if the ending wasn't as it was but that's Bollywood for you. Neerja dies a good 20 minutes before the movie ends, but the story of how the Bhanot family copes with the tragedy is poignant. 

Would I recommend it? Definitely. Neerja is Bollywood fare that shows you the cinematic magic that only Indians movie makers can weave. 
Watch it for the stellar performances, even if you aren't into weepies. 
While the plot is thin on the actual hijack but the story of Neerja, the person, resonates with today's middle-class and shows how human we all are, yet in that moment of pain, we are capable of great courage and selflessness. 
'Life isn't about how long you live, but about how wonderfully you live it'. The real-life Neerja may not have said it, but the reel life Neerja surely embodied it. 

My rating: 9

What does the rating mean?
0-4  : Not worth your presence in the same zip code as the TV/Theater.
5-7  : Err... the movie is pretty, but it's definitely missing something. A storyline, that is.
8-10: 'Drop-the-dishes, stop-the-sex, jaw-dropping, that-is-incredible' 2 hours of movie experience

While you were gone: November / December 2013

Vanity of vanities.

Life is futile. Case in point - The last 'real' king of the erstwhile princely State of Mysore, art connoisseur and overall pompous guy, Srikanta Datta Wodeyar, passed away after suffering a massive cardiac arrest. This comes a week after he won a hard-fought election at the all powerful Karnataka Cricket Club. For a guy who had seemingly limitless wealth and power, the irony of his end amuses me.

And then when the time comes, we all have to go. Nelson Mandela, arguably the most loved human being on the planet after Mother Theresa, died . And we all mourned. Some in their unique ways. Obama took selfies and we all sat on our moral high horses and tut tuted. Aw c'mon! How many of us can honestly say we haven't done something similar at an inappropriate time?

As Indians, we are used to politicians who speak with their feet in their mouths. After many weeks of seeing Rahul Gandhi in action, we must now appoint him as the head chieftain of our village politics. You want change? You want progressive change? Rahul G is the man!
Don't make him PM, get Modi in power, and have G at the opposition and that could be the start of something good.

Our SC decided to undo any of the good deeds it did over the last year (maybe Santa didn't make it in time) did a double take and put our 'unwanted' back into the dark ages.
Lalu was freed and thanked all for the 'gross injustice that has been undone'. Rabri can now go back to her kitchen.
In one swipe, we have wiped away any sign that we are a free and progressive nation. Rahul might say otherwise, but I doubt if he has the gumption to take initiatives unless we protest.

In an absolute shocking (in a nice way, ofcourse) turn of events, Arvind Kejriwal won the elections at the national Capital and became its newest Chief Minister. That he ousted a chief minister who stayed in power for decades is not the highlight. That he achieved something that was virtually unimaginable just 365 days ago is what gives us the hope that we are not a nation of pushovers.
Kejriwal may not need a certificate from his blindsided rivals, but he got dumped by his former compatriot and that will hurt him for some time to come.
Voters have fought back after years of apathy and this is just the beginning. The torch has been lit and the bonfire is ready. For the first time in history, we are truly ready to be known as a nation of the young who can't wait to set right the wrongs our past has done to us.
We are ready!

But what we are not ready for is when we get stiffed abroad. Ever since 9/11, when Uncle Sam has been suspicious about our curious brown skin and curiouser names. Our celebrities have been fondled at various US airports and we have cried blue murder.
So when an Indian Diplomat was arrested, hand-cuffed and thrown into a cell with murderers, rapists and other white-skinned ruffians, we took offense. And how!

Quick flashback: Devyani Khobragade, acting Consul General and seriously hot PYT, committed visa fraud by misrepresenting facts while hiring a domestic maid from India. She underpaid the maid too and allegedly changed the terms of contract after hiring her.
Well, taken from an Indian context, this is not out of the ordinary. I can name atleast 5 people I know who treat their maids/man-servants worse.
What followed was diplomatic Armageddon. India retaliated so fast that it spun Uncle Sam's head. It was so rare, swift and profound that even our neighbors would've sat up.
What bothers me is how a diplomat from the land of Gandhi, decided to hire a nanny for her children and then treated her as a lesser mortal and how we take offense. See, what rankled our chains is that we are a nation of people where we cannot perceive our middle class being arrested and tried with impartiality. We are so used to being treated with kid-gloves, even when we know we have have done something wrong. Thus the 'anything goes' attitude we are renown for.

And then the skeletons came tumbling out of the cupboard. Apparently, with the way rules were bent during while she was training as a young IFS officer, Devyani is in the league of incredibly powerful Indian women.
Or perhaps we just wanted Uncle Sam to scratch our backs back.
So inspite of breaking the law of the land, and instead of penalizing her, we just moved her to a notch below God. We promoted her to the UN. Aren't we amazing?!

And while we exult our lawbreakers, Kim Jr executes them.
China asserted itself on international waters. Shouldn't come as a shock or a surprise to Americans who have been doing the same for decades since the last World War.

Hrithik Roshan did the split. Van Damme too.

About a year ago, when India was the epicenter of outrage against violence towards women, we all thought it would be the last time, we hear about heinous crimes. Not much has changed. In the months since, we saw grievous criminals go scot-free and others get the wink.

Singapore burned in slow flame. For a city country that seemed so perfect, the riots only proved that people can and will rise against even the most subtle forms of oppression.

For those who have everything in their lives, let's learn to give.

The past year we did have some advertisements that touched our chords, and some hard truths that we have conveniently glazed over..

If you thought education opened man's horizon of thought, think again.
True love? Here's one man's attempt to recreate the magic of his long lost wife
Have some time to kill? Here's the page to be.

Yo Yo Honey Singh, is clearly the flavor of the season. Good for him. And Beiber retired. What?! I know what you're thinking? When did he ever work? Even a semi-trained parakeet could croon better. 


 
For every blockbuster  Bollywood made, we had two duds (Read Dhoom 3).
For every well dressed celebrity, we had 3 nipple slips and convenient other peeps. 

I hope you all have a responsible New Year eve drinking responsibly, introspecting about your achievements and misses for the year that just passed, ready to accept a new year that is filled with the same hope and promise that every new morning brings.

And while you are at it, here's some food for thought -

Make all you can
Save all you can
Give all you can

Happy New Year, folks!

While you were gone: November / December 2013

'Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country' - JFK.

RIP Madiba

After years of unabated corruption and an economy that is going south faster than Obama's ratings, our unemployed but immensely talented youngsters are finally taking things into their hands.

ATM heists are passe. We now have our youngsters preying on people using the ATM. Earlier this month, a 'well-built young man..' attacked a bank manager when she was using her bank's ATM. She sustained severe head trauma when he attacked her with a machete. He later robbed her and escaped. Last heard, he is still at large. What surprises me are the following -

1. How is it that CCTV cameras are not monitored real-time?
2. How is it that we can't nab the culprit? Are we that incompetent? Or are we that impotent?

At the wake of this atrocity, the cops in Bangalore did what they normally do when they have a situation they have no idea how to grapple - Shut Down. Thousands of ATMs across the city shuttered and if you wanted to withdraw money, you were screwed.
But then, unlike bars and discos, ATMs are not something you can keep shuttered. So they opened. And we are none the wiser. ATMs still don't have guards and the ones that have, are senile old men on the wrong side of 60 and can't wield a gun, let alone fire one.
Happy International Men's day, anyone?

Israel was in the cross-hairs again. When will we all accept the fact that blaming Israel isn't going to change anything?
But what changed was - We cancelled the VIP helicopter deal. Big Effing Deal!
O knew that his healthcare website would crash. So tell me this. Is there ANYTHING that he hasn't been briefed on?

And if you were in the Subcontinent, you wouldn't have missed the All India All Hail Sachin bhajjan. And in the great Indian tradition of sycophancy, we tripped over eachother to award Sachin the Bharat Ratna. Seriously!
Next year, the Nobel prize.
But wait, Vishwanath Anand lost to Carlson in a rather tame match. Maybe we must stone his house and ask him to retire.

In our 'Crime This Month' section, we have Jyothi's parents raised a petition to have the juve tried under harsher laws. The SC appears to relent too. Don't hold your breath, though.
Tehelka honcho Tarun Tejpal did a Phaneesh Murthy. Epic mistake.
And out tumbled the skeletons. Some really old. How can we condone 'victims' who make a complaint years after the incident?
Across the Atlantic, Rajat Gupta challenged his $13.9 million fine.
Back home, the Talwars paid the ultimate prize for being what they were - Persistent and unrelenting. Never mind the fact that the CBI once told them they were not even suspects, the SC sentenced them to life in prison. Read 'em and weep, fellas.
And Oh! In a few years, we can also watch their ordeal in 30 mm. And why not. It has all the ingredients for a potboiler - Murder, mystery, sex, incompetent authorities, determined (stone-faced) protagonists and a trial by the people.

Pratibha Patel, arguably the worst excuse for a President, returned all official gifts that she got during her infamous tenure at the Rastrapathi Bhavan. What took her so long?

CobraPost did another sting and this time, unearthed an ugly network of IT companies willing to cultivate the social network for the right price. So that explains a lot of things now.
Bitcoin prices surged past the $1000 mark. Yay!
An enterprising Chinese thief sent 11 handwritten pages of phone numbers from an iPhone that he stole to its owner. Respect!
Scotland will finally be an independent country.
And talking about scot-free, Assange may not face any charges in America. If you ask me, Snowden looks more attractive now.
Uncle Sam, the international moral cop, flexed its muscles against China.
Everytime I think about America's diplomacy with the Orient, I remember 'Beijing 2008', a provocative painting which has been the subject of much discussion.

And the people of 'by-two coffee' went gaga when Starbucks opened its signature store in Bangalore. Okay, can we all settle down, please? Blah!
Delhi and 3 other States went to the polls and the AAP and the BJP packed off the Congress in a reply fitting a stray dog waiting to be euthanized. No offense, Priyanka.

In Bollywood news, Sanjay Leela Bhansali proved that even he can make puke colorful.
Ram Leela is the most expensive (and the longest) anti-dandruff/soft-porn/anti-gun propaganda that struggles to sell the Romeo Juliet story. That the couple kill eachother in the end is the only semblance to the 'adaptation'.
The 'romance' resembles lust, carnal lust. Surely, SLB wanted to capitalize on the real-life chemistry and he sure did. But knowing how Deepika is a gold-digger, this is one (more) on-screen chemistry she will regret in the future.
And Priyanka? She really needed the cash, I guess.
Ranveer, you've got potential. Take our advice and don't waste it!
So SLB, I'd give your 'magnum opus' a generous 1 out of 10 and that's only because you've obviously spent millions on sets. Read a more detailed review of Ram Leela by our guest blogger and movie buff Suparna here.

And so its December! The month of lists.
Stay tuned for 'Ze List 3.0'

GuestSpeak : Romeo & Juliet : Ruined.

Project: A lousy adaptation of the Romeo and Juliet.

Title: Goliyon ki raasleela-Ramleela

Disclaimer: The character ‘Ram’ in the movie does in no way portray Lord Ram. No animals were hurt in the making, but we’ll show a dead peacock to tease Salman Khan’s taste buds. Evil Mojojo laugh.

No real women were raped or tortured but we’ll show damsels in distress just so we know that it’s India we are talking about and no Bollywood movie has scored well without a woman being irrationally exploited in public. Like, rapists will defile widows too, so there’s something new to watch.

My chores for the day:

• Sign the most dead actress I’ve seen onscreen who gets ready to do absolutely anything that comes her way for a completely unrelated role in the movie for a dance. An item number. Have her dance to it and annoy my audience. She’s made Pitbull and satisfied him by sitting on his lap but that’s not enough, right?
• Inane looking people with guns in their hands who shoot anyone who gets in their way. Even a little kid who just pees atop a terrace. “Just shoot at him now! Kill him! THROW YOUR EGO AROUND!”
• Song.
• Like every Bollywood movie, we will have a HUGE HOLI celebration! Lots and lots of people will dance in complete synchronization with each other and the air will be coloured in pink and yellow! My lead actress will enter wearing a bra-like something which barely covers anything and MAKE HER RUN. MAKE HER RUN LIKE THOSE BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN IN BAYWATCH! Let her rock that major-Cleave show going on there. She’s done enough by being a party girl in every movie she’s acted in, let me dress her up skimpy in this one too. And NO. Usage of combs is banned in the movie. No.One. Must.Use.Combs. Ram meets Leela, Leela meets Ram. They fall in love. Love at first sight, so romantic. More like LUST at first sight. She must practically seduce him by inhuman bodily gestures, so that at night when he’ll lurk around in her balcony, she can kiss him and almost make love to him.
• Song.
• Ah, my boy, Ranveer. Let’s give him a Greek sculpted body, lips that every woman wants to kiss, strong muscular arms and an oiled up chest FOR NOTHING. Just make him jump around like a monkey from terrace to terrace, hang out with his cheap,low-life friends and throw in some porn videos for him to watch to keep him engaged in his nuisances.
• Song.
• Song.
• Song.
• Song.
• Yet another song, (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?)
• In every, every damn scene must they almost make love. Just touch each other in places and arouse their audience but.must.not.make.love.
• Must.not.make.love.
• CONTROL.MY.BODILY.FLUIDS.
• MUST.NOT.OGGLE.
• Ooh Ooh! How could I forget!!! The two will run away, rent a sleazy, skeevy-looking hotel room and almost make love. They will get married and just when he puts sindoor in her scalp, they must kiss. Seal the deal with a long sensuous kiss. How about that? Am I not a genius?!
• (Dramatic music in the background and temple bells ringing in the distance)
• Evil Bitch mom strikes!! A loud pompous lady who has her widowed daughter in law take bullets out of husband’s chest with a knife. Every woman, every and every man in her household and under her tyrannous rule must carry weapons. They must show love, pain, sorrow, anger, depression, approval, denial BY SHOOTING THE AIR IN UNISON. Evil Bitch mom dresses up in black, wears heavy jewels, has dreadful bloodshot eyes and manly hands. She must in no way look like woman. Her weakness: Have a child hug her when she’s already caused a lot of collateral damage. Wait. Or I could get some guy to kiss her like Snow Whit was kissed. Way to go, I’m a whizkid with this shit.
• THEY.MUST.SHOOT.RAM.BEFORE.RAAVAN.IS.BURNT. I am going to write a Ramayana of my own *Pretty Soon* and it’s going to be slick.. The UPites will go completely insane, my movie will gain publicity and Romeo can die.
• The title can say an ADAPTATION OF THE ROMEO AND JULIET but not even one scene should really be an adaptation. It’s Bollywood. It’s way past Romeo and Juliet. We’ve come a far way. BUT LET’S FINISH IT THAT WAY. Have Leela lock her room, she has her bullet,he has his. Let them make have one last almost-love-making-session, and kill them off.
• Woohoooooooo! 5 stars! I DID IT! This movie is going to be a sick production. It sure is going to disappoint millions of movie-goers.

The End.

SHOOT

This is a guest post by a budding blogger and avid movie buff - Suparna Havelia.
She describes herself as a very boring person who loves romantic books.

While I was away. June 2013 [Part 1 / 2]

Okay, so you might have heard this before - India is a land of quirks!

Carrying over from the previous month, Srinivasan gave his laundry list of demands and shuffled his feet long enough until we lost interest in what he and his cronies did and latched on to Raj Kundra.
Sreeshanth placed his bets with God and stopped shaving and Dhoni got an honorable mention. 

And I laughed when Shilpa started complaining about how the media is treating her husband and her. Oh really?! It is the media who made you a 'celebrity'. If it wasn't for the fiasco at 'The Big Brother', you would've have married Viveik Oberoi and changed your name to something equally atrocious.

We don't have to be told our politicians have the combined IQ of a comb. We know that already. But when one Mumbai politician banned the display of bikini-clad mannequins, some of us gasped. Have we become so sex-starved that we get the stiffy just by looking at mannequins now?!

We had some big budget masala movies hitting the theatres. And unless you've been buried, you couldn't have missed the promos of 'Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani'. While I am tempted to warn you, after reviewing a few tasteless Bollywood movies last year, I decided I'd stop torturing myself. So I still won't tell you how terrible this movie is, but let you make yet another poor choice in your life. 

Ah Aadhaar! India's answer to an unified Civil ID/Social Security number. You have to have one, even if you are just a dog, a chair or a plant. And if you are a lady who loves to walk around without the dupatta, you might have to wear one for the photoshoot. No, don't blame them, they just gave Aadhaar to a dog.

Like the prodigal son, Infosys limped back to its owner. Narayan Murthy and his son Rohan Murty (without the h) took over the reins of the IT bellwether. The rules were conveniently bent and they promised to take home just Re 1 as their annual salary. That's one video each on Airtel, Mr Infosys. While you are at it, why don't you surrender all that high-priced stock too?

After the Great Indian Circus that kept us occupied for the past 3 months, we are back to what our men do best - Rape and Kill.
A young lady died after being splashed acid, a couple of foreigners got raped and one even went missing. So its business as usual.

Another inane (Indian) government agency ruled that we shouldn't be tortured with a lot of ads on TV. Don't these guys have anything better to do? 

And talking about doing things better, here's a breakup like none other. Don't blame me, I'll simply do a Srinivasan on you.

Indian directory service, JustDial went public and did amazingly well. Poonam Pandhey found a news article in her name, alas it was a summons.

In similar weird news, a man trying to catch ghosts in his house instead caught his wife having sex with his son. Candid Camera!

Last month, we all spoke eloquently about how Angelina's 'selfless' act of emancipation would translate to better awareness. 

None of this will matter to the locals at Fukushima or Jharkhand. To quote a sentence from the movie 'Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift', we 'not just played with fire, but soaked the matches in gasoline'.

Indians love working in the Middle East. Building their monuments and readying their economies for a future when oil will run out. Tempted with fat currency conversion rates, plane-loads of Indians are shipped by unscrupulous travel agents to work as slaves. Their salaries are tax-free, not free. With much of the work completed, there wouldn't be a more painless way to do it than to deport them. This would also ensure they can never crawl their way back here. Swift and clean.

We are famous for titing our tats. We did plenty of that last year. So when China announced it was going to buy a 100 warships, our impotent leaders thought 'Arey yaar! Why don't we also buy a 100 of 'em'. 
There is a difference though - Their economy and industries have been growing phenomenally for the past couple of decades, unlike ours. In all of this, I am reminded of the Malayalam proverb- 'If the goat tries to shit like the elephant, the outcome isn't going to be pretty'.

When the Chinese weren't window shopping, they shoplifted. In elaborately orchestrated cyber attacks on American defense systems, the Chinese stole top secret defense and military documents.

An unwed Chinese mother flushed her new born baby boy down the toilet. My heart goes to the child and I hope that is the last time he sees the sewers in his life. Her mother's motivation to hide the pregnancy and the father's reluctance to care for the woman he impregnated is appalling but something most Indians would identify with.
If they would've done the 69, there wouldn't have been the Baby 59. Just saying.

Syria did a North Korea, when it announced a stockpile of weapons from Russia. Great! Just what we needed to tip the scales.
... and North Korea did an Aman Ki Asha. The South and the North decided to reopen the one legacy of peace and unity in the region. 

Putin upgraded. So did Modi. No Surprises, there.
Nawaz spoke and his army shot. Same story.

As I end another rumbustious post, let's have a moment of silence to mourn the tragic death of Jiah Khan, a promising actress and a beautiful woman. While we won't understand what pushed her over the edge, I hope faux celebrities like Shobhaa De would think twice before mutilating her reputation online. Shobhaaaa, that comment was despicable (even by your standards) but we'll return the favor when you die.

Adious!