While I was celebrating... May 2013 [2/2]

It was a month where we saw an unabashed love for money and power.
IPL, the flavor of the month went through the regular wash cycles of scam and scandals, and you can bet (pun intended) your shorts that none of those arrested will ever be punished. Our greed knows no bounds and we simply don't have the legislation or the balls to punish the scum of our sports.

Finally!

In the finals, CSK went down without a whimper. It was a win-win. 
Indians could finally retire the god of cricket, when we dedicated another win to him. And foolhardy CSK fans felt vindicated that its captain faced defeat like a grown man. Well, what did he expect? A medal? 
We shouldn't expect the VP of India Cements Inc. to squeal against his boss, or should we? 

As the skeletons tumbled out, a 'Bollywood star' found his spotlight of glory. Vindu Dara Singh sang like a canary and we had more drama than the 'Bold and the Beautiful'.

They say hindsight is 20/20, so with what we now know about CSK's shadowy CEO/team owner/team principal/odd-job guy, is it anybody's guess how the team always reached the finals even with many mediocre matches. BCCI head honcho/CSK Managing Director N. Srinivasan refused to step down. No surprises there either. 

In happier times

Sreeshanth is small fry and is just that village boy whose eyes lit up when he saw the big city lights, but his Company tells another story. From being called the Kerala Express and revered in God's Own Country, his fall from grace was faster than his bowling spells. We could argue till we are blue in the gills, but as long as we still buy tickets and throng cricket stadiums, corruption in cricket can not be contained.

Angelina Jolie replaced her sagging mammaries with ones that came with a warranty and we all celebrated her unselfish act. So does this mean we replace everything that could go wrong before it does and say we did it for mankind?

What does surprise me is why a successful A-lister like Piggy Chops have to resort to doing item numbers in random movies! I'll let you figure that out.
Meanwhile, banks have managed to recover about Rs 1000 crore from Kingfisher. Seeing how Malya was smart enough to not pledge sufficient collateral, I'd be surprised if the banks recover even half of what he owes them.

The boston bomber got no grave and if it wasn't serious already, we now have a new sexually transmitted superbug that is deadlier than AIDS.

Choli ke peche..

The Chinese premier came and we played dumb (charades). Later, we cleaned up after they left.
Sanjayda felt betrayed. Really?! After we allowed you move into the jail like a techie was moving into a new hostel room. If anything, we all think the court should've thrown you into prison years ago and made an example out of you.

Talking about cops and prisons, we saw 2 Indian cops beat the living crap out of eachother in broad daylight. It was almost like two knights dueling eachother. To the victor, the spoils of fame.

The Sharada chit fund made plenty of news. From sex  workers to other bankers, it looks like they looted everyone. Hook, line and Stinker. In familiar news, an Indian couple was apprehended for duping several banks and financial institutions for millions of rupees. 

Our fledgling financial outsourcing industry took a beating when perpetrators withdrew about $45 million after hacking into secure terminals.
While this might lead to more dumb regulations and restrictions, what I fear is how all this will affect genuine customers.

Our national bird, CBI was hauled through the coals again. And our Navy fought a losing battle against itself. Our insatiable thirst for forbidden sex is indeed proving to be the bane of our existence both here and across the pond.

Pakistan did the unthinkable. It demanded an international probe on the incident and we did a Pakistan - Shift+DELETE. 

Nothing Official about it!

Meanwhile, BJP lampooned the government (read Sonia G) for making the PM a mere puppet. It took our leading opposition 9 years to say that?
Rahul resorted to some petty threats. So what is he? The school Prefect?
A minister from Down Under was left red-faced after he 'liked' a picture of a young teen mooning himself. And while you are on facebook, 'like' at your discretion but post anything you want, for the apex court of the country has spoken. Take note, Shiv Sena scum. But bloggers, Beware! You could still land in prison.

The public sector in India is funny. As millions of graduates struggle, we have murderers, rapists and spies have no problem finding favor and employment at public sector organizations. Latest from the realm of Incredible Indian opportunities, is the news that a man was found spying for Pakistan while working in the Army. Background checks ring a bell here?

In an innovation that might benefit humanity, an Indian teen invented a 20 second battery charger. This could be the biggest invention since the wheel.

In Weird News of the Month, Sherlyn Chopra showed off her black chuddies and buddy Mallika Sherawat had the usual bout of chronic verbal diarrhea. Her interview was a verbal equivalent of an Indian landfill after a rain. Where are the culture police when we need them? 

Queen of sewer talk

Elsewhere, a man 'demaned' himself and we found out that  pigs that taste better when they are high.

Former South Korean model Hang Mioku, is a testament to our pursuit of vanity. Big Mistake!
Like a dog returning to its vomit, iGate's Phaneesh Murthy was fired for sexual impropriety and misconduct. Deja Vu`. He cried coarse. Heck, he could be innocent too. But surely, he could've been smarter than to crap on the plate he eats from.

Husbands and mother-in-laws, Beware! Those suicide threats could come true. And if you are a man who likes to keep his wife's privates private, you've just scored the 'Go to Jail' card. Congratulations!

The Mango People spoke about The Mango People's Party. Question is, are they listening?
Google Glass made news. And I've got 2 words - More Porn.
Indian students celebrated when CBSE announced their results and Comedy Central ran foul with the foolish folks at the Centre. 
Maoists killed yet another  victim and Congress began frothing at the mouth. 
Dabbawallas ran, Amway is on its way out and so is Ram Jethmalani.

As the cycle of life shifts gear, we are halfway through this wonderful year. Sit back and enjoy!

When god stepped down [358/365]

Okay, I'll make a confession-
When Sachin announced his retirement from International one-dayers, I thought to myself 'Good Riddance'.

You have to admit that he is no longer the Fastest Indian between the pitches. It appeared like his foot was set in concrete when he could barely play a stroke but then Indian cricket fans are quick to forgive.

About 200 days ago, when he scored his 100th ton, he dismissed all rumors of a retirement and we asked for divine mercy for even suggesting that to the god of Indian cricket.
He seemed invincible.

For a cricketer way past his expiry date, we surely made sure that we squeezed every bit off him. Our cricket administrators in the time-tested tradition of politic myopia have failed to groom and induct younger and more talented youngsters and we are back to our loosing ways.

Everybody loves to throw their dirty underwear at poor ol' Dhoni, who is now doing the rounds of every known shrine in India in search for answers.

As a nation, we have very poor skills in estimating and preparing for major sporting events.
2012 has been a bad year of attrition for Indian Cricket and the damage has been done.
So what's ahead for Indian Cricket?
Difficult to say. With Sachin on the rolls, it appeared that our team was always playing for him. They always wanted him to get another ton, another milestone before he hangs up his boots. His retirement could actually be exactly what Indian cricket needs right now.

Dhoni, your moment is waiting.

With the below par results our team has shown at recent matches, I doubt if we'll even get to the quarter-finals at the next ICC World Cup.

Running on Empty [348/365]

Now, I've consciously stayed away from (watching) commenting on the state of the Indian Cricket team. But with the way the World Champions have been playing lately, I am compelled to write about it.

What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Could someone please help me understand why Dhoni makes the decisions that he does?
Why are the selectors still depending on relics like Sachin, who should ideally be relaxing in his jammies somewhere in the Caribbeans, to win a game?
Where is Poonam Pandhey and why isn't she offering to strip?

With the suspiciously easy way we have been losing to teams both outside and inside India, unless we have Mr Powar at the helm I doubt if we will ever get to the quarterfinals in the next World Cup.
Progressive sporting societies like Australia, Europe and the US have consistently groomed the next generation and encouraged the seniors to contribute, grow and move on.
I can't imagine an Australian or an American sportsperson way past his/her prime clinging on to their sport. Athletes that don't perform are sidelined so that newer talent can nurture. India can be the only country in the world where someone as inconsistent as Harbhajan can survive.

While the moolah is there for all to see, the current spate of humiliating defeats should ring alarm bells to all who matter. The harvest is rich but with the kind of nepotism prevalent at the grassroots, I doubt if we will get to see real talent anytime soon.

There's no winning streak here. Brace yourselves for we are about to run out of ideas. Soon.

Bad Hair Day [123/365]

The great Indian god just got a new hairstyle.
Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar has come of age and changed his curls to ... well, a disaster.

Sachin's new hairdo looks like a one-night-stand between Uncle Fester and Cousin Itt.
But why all this fuss over so much hair? In the West, we are used to discussing celebrity hair disasters, but are we allowed to go Rakhi Sawant about Sachin's hair? C'mon, this is his hair. And if Gajini could encourage youngsters to sport the hideous hairdos four years ago, I don't see why Sachin's barber cannot try his creativity on the head of the most famous cricketer alive. Where is the fashion police when you need one?

I guess all the brouhaha is simply because we are not used to seeing Sachin the way he is now. After all, the god of cricket always had the same mop of curls since he dropped off the womb. He probably even used the same wiry comb all his life.

But honestly Sachin, this new hairdo looks hideous. While it did shave off a few decades off your young face, you now look like one of those eve-teasers ready to molest the next thing in a sari. Coupled with that clean shaven look and checkered shirts, you look like a 20 year old chamcha.

Maybe, he is hitting back at the junta for the less than euphoric response we showed when he was nominated to the Rajya Sabha. And Sachin, if you think we are going to approve your stint at the RS in return for those curly mops again, then you are mistaken. We'll just Photoshop all your future posters.

On a scale of disasters, Sachin's new hairstyle beats all the wacky prosthetic stunts that Wacko Jacko did in his entire life. And my alter ego would like to ask: 'Who are you, and what have you done with Sachin Tendulkar?'

Or maybe, Sachin just fell asleep at the barber's chair and his barber had a Mentos moment.

The house of god [118/365]

Sachin with the symbol of Congress.            source: cricbuzz

Hurray! 2012 is indeed proving to be a great year for Sachin.
He finally got his 100th 100 and everyone popped the bubbly. Even the Bangladeshi's.
Sachin famously slammed his critics who goaded him to retire. Retirement? What retirement?

The aging superstar signed on a few more endorsements that will pay for his great grand daughter's wedding.
Just when you thought you'd heard (and had) enough of him, bang! Today's newspaper tells me we'll have to hear more.
Congress has signed up er.. nominated him for Rajya Sabha. (Read the top news here).

For those who bunked their Civic Studies/Political Studies classes in school/college, Rajya Sabha (also abbreviated to RS) is the upper house of the Parliament and has a total of 250 members, of which 12 are chosen by the President of India for their exceptional track record in arts, literature, science, sports and social service.

Not known for his oratorical or rhetorical skills, Sachin as a RS member is one of those questions that make you moan in silent agony.
For a sportsperson who is on the road for over 200 days in a year, I wonder how Sachin is going to punch in his attendance.
With a tendency to pick up injuries as easily as Ted Bundy picked up prostitutes, how is he going to fight for the welfare of sports in this cricket crazy nation?
But this does look like a massive effort at buying a brand ambassador for a government that is falling apart at the seams.
Or is this a sign that he is finally thinking of retiring as a superstar cricketer to start as a celebrity politician?

Whatever it is, India now has a new temple for it's god.

My Ton [100/365]

100th post!
Never thought this day will come. If I was Sachin, I would have called the media, signed on a couple more corporations and declared that I have no intention of retiring any time soon. How dare you ask me to retire?

But I am not Sachin. So I'll let this achievement fade away.
How hard is it to write one post a day?
Pretty hard, if you ask my Wife. She had to suffer many many hours away from me, because I simply can't write with so much distraction. And if you're going to ask if I meant my lovely wife was a distraction, I'll deny I said any of that. I'll do a Pakistan on you and ask you for a dossier to substantiate your allegation.

Source: baby-birdie.blogspot.in/

That said, I love writing. Given a day, an entire day that is, with easily accessible food and plenty of water and a clean bathroom, and maybe a laptop charger and TV with some good shows, I'd be as happy as a puppy. Not the ones that are new born, but the ones that are a few months old.

So I've managed to write one post a day for the past 100 days.
And I'd like to thank all the poops er, peeps who stopped by to read. And I know of a few who had their hands inside their pants when they were in my blog too. I've got your IP Addresses and I'll be sending you a 'care package' very soon.

But for the others who didn't entertain themselves but let me do it for you, thank you.
I owe you. Not too much but just enough.
I'd also like to thank all my high school teachers, for making me literate. It was not a wasted effort. Thank you.
I'd like to thank my parents. The roots are really deep.
I'd like to thank spell check for working the way it did. God bless you.
I'd like to thank the porn industry. We couldn't have been entertained any better if it there wasn't porn. Trust me.
I'd like to thank our poly-tick-sons. You give me fodder for thought.
I'd like to thank... er. actually, I am all out of people to thank.

Thank you for coming. Now, get lost.

Finally! [75/365]

The god of Cricket delivered.
Finally!

But instead of being truly happy, what I felt instead was relief. Relieved that we can now let Sachin be Sachin and not worry ourselves or him with urgency of cracking any more records for our gratification. And I know a lot of people who felt the same too.

While sportspeople have always been serenaded and unceremoniously dumped when they have not given us our dollar's worth, what Sachin went through could have been nightmarish. Something similar to what a couple, or more importantly the wife, would go through when they haven't borne a child yet, even after a year of marriage. The sheer volume of questions and the curious glances at her pelvic region and yours mentally theorizing that there could be a problem in bed or with the 'equipments'.

But unlike when and if the couple has a child, Sachin's 100th ton will always be a much less memorable one than if he had scored the same ton in Australia or if his current ton would have won India the match. Against a mediocre team and in a match where even his historic contribution failed to wing the team over, Sachin can now hang up his boots ala The Wall in relative satisfaction.

Personally, I think he can now hold his head high and walk away into the sunset despite his admission that he is not god but only Sachin, I have a feeling he'd rather wanted to end on a high note than be forever known as a 'choke' and a flash in the pan. As anything, a record like this is more for his own gratification than for the country.

And the time is just right now. With a team urgently in need of youngsters for the next generation and the World Cup a good 3 years away, Sachin needs to make way. Besides we cannot keep winning all the World Cups for Sachin, can we?

Keeping the goose that is way past her golden egg laying days just so that BCCI can fund it's retirement plans is a wasted effort.

Must Read:
Mukul Kesavan's take on Sachin. Rightly said