Monday, December 09, 2013

While you were gone: November / December 2013

'Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country' - JFK.
RIP Madiba

After years of unabated corruption and an economy that is going south faster than Obama's ratings, our unemployed but immensely talented youngsters are finally taking things into their hands.

ATM heists are passe. We now have our youngsters preying on people using the ATM. Earlier this month, a 'well-built young man..' attacked a bank manager when she was using her bank's ATM. She sustained severe head trauma when he attacked her with a machete. He later robbed her and escaped. Last heard, he is still at large. What surprises me are the following -

  1. How is it that CCTV cameras are not monitored real-time?
  2. How is it that we can't nab the culprit? Are we that incompetent? Or are we that impotent?
At the wake of this atrocity, the cops in Bangalore did what they normally do when they have a situation they have no idea how to grapple - Shut Down. Thousands of ATMs across the city shuttered and if you wanted to withdraw money, you were screwed.
But then, unlike bars and discos, ATMs are not something you can keep shuttered. So they opened. And we are none the wiser. ATMs still don't have guards and the ones that have, are senile old men on the wrong side of 60 and can't wield a gun, let alone fire one.
Happy International Men's day, anyone?

Israel was in the cross-hairs again. When will we all accept the fact that blaming Israel isn't going to change anything?
But what changed was - We cancelled the VIP helicopter deal. Big Effing Deal!
O knew that his healthcare website would crash. So tell me this. Is there ANYTHING that he hasn't been briefed on?

And if you were in the Subcontinent, you wouldn't have missed the All India All Hail Sachin bhajjan. And in the great Indian tradition of sycophancy, we tripped over eachother to award Sachin the Bharat Ratna. Seriously!
Next year, the Nobel prize.
But wait, Vishwanath Anand lost to Carlson in a rather tame match. Maybe we must stone his house and ask him to retire.

In our 'Crime This Month' section, we have Jyothi's parents raised a petition to have the juve tried under harsher laws. The SC appears to relent too. Don't hold your breath, though.
Tehelka honcho Tarun Tejpal did a Phaneesh Murthy. Epic mistake.
And out tumbled the skeletons. Some really old. How can we condone 'victims' who make a complaint years after the incident?
Across the Atlantic, Rajat Gupta challenged his $13.9 million fine.
Back home, the Talwars paid the ultimate prize for being what they were - Persistent and unrelenting. Never mind the fact that the CBI once told them they were not even suspects, the SC sentenced them to life in prison. Read 'em and weep, fellas.
And Oh! In a few years, we can also watch their ordeal in 30 mm. And why not. It has all the ingredients for a potboiler - Murder, mystery, sex, incompetent authorities, determined (stone-faced) protagonists and a trial by the people.

Pratibha Patel, arguably the worst excuse for a President, returned all official gifts that she got during her infamous tenure at the Rastrapathi Bhavan. What took her so long?

CobraPost did another sting and this time, unearthed an ugly network of IT companies willing to cultivate the social network for the right price. So that explains a lot of things now.
Bitcoin prices surged past the $1000 mark. Yay!
An enterprising Chinese thief sent 11 handwritten pages of phone numbers from an iPhone that he stole to its owner. Respect!
Scotland will finally be an independent country.
And talking about scot-free, Assange may not face any charges in America. If you ask me, Snowden looks more attractive now.
Uncle Sam, the international moral cop, flexed its muscles against China.
Everytime I think about America's diplomacy with the Orient, I remember 'Beijing 2008', a provocative painting which has been the subject of much discussion.


And the people of 'by-two coffee' went gaga when Starbucks opened its signature store in Bangalore. Okay, can we all settle down, please? Blah!
Delhi and 3 other States went to the polls and the AAP and the BJP packed off the Congress in a reply fitting a stray dog waiting to be euthanized. No offense, Priyanka.

In Bollywood news, Sanjay Leela Bhansali proved that even he can make puke colorful.
Ram Leela is the most expensive (and the longest) anti-dandruff/soft-porn/anti-gun propaganda that struggles to sell the Romeo Juliet story. That the couple kill eachother in the end is the only semblance to the 'adaptation'.
The 'romance' resembles lust, carnal lust. Surely, SLB wanted to capitalize on the real-life chemistry and he sure did. But knowing how Deepika is a gold-digger, this is one (more) on-screen chemistry she will regret in the future.
And Priyanka? She really needed the cash, I guess.
Ranveer, you've got potential. Take our advice and don't waste it!
So SLB, I'd give your 'magnum opus' a generous 1 out of 10 and that's only because you've obviously spent millions on sets. Read a more detailed review of Ram Leela by our guest blogger and movie buff Suparna here.

And so its December! The month of lists.
Stay tuned for 'Ze List 3.0'


Sunday, December 01, 2013

GuestSpeak : Romeo & Juliet : Ruined.

Project: A lousy adaptation of the Romeo and Juliet.

Title: Goliyon ki raasleela-Ramleela

Disclaimer: The character ‘Ram’ in the movie does in no way portray Lord Ram. No animals were hurt in the making, but we’ll show a dead peacock to tease Salman Khan’s taste buds. Evil Mojojo laugh.

No real women were raped or tortured but we’ll show damsels in distress just so we know that it’s India we are talking about and no Bollywood movie has scored well without a woman being irrationally exploited in public. Like, rapists will defile widows too, so there’s something new to watch.


My chores for the day:

  • Sign the most dead actress I’ve seen onscreen who gets ready to do absolutely anything that comes her way for a completely unrelated role in the movie for a dance. An item number. Have her dance to it and annoy my audience. She’s made Pitbull and satisfied him by sitting on his lap but that’s not enough, right?
  • Inane looking people with guns in their hands who shoot anyone who gets in their way. Even a little kid who just pees atop a terrace. “Just shoot at him now! Kill him! THROW YOUR EGO AROUND!”
  • Song.
  • Like every Bollywood movie, we will have a HUGE HOLI celebration! Lots and lots of people will dance in complete synchronization with each other and the air will be coloured in pink and yellow! My lead actress will enter wearing a bra-like something which barely covers anything and MAKE HER RUN. MAKE HER RUN LIKE THOSE BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN IN BAYWATCH! Let her rock that major-Cleave show going on there. She’s done enough by being a party girl in every movie she’s acted in, let me dress her up skimpy in this one too. And NO. Usage of combs is banned in the movie. No.One. Must.Use.Combs. Ram meets Leela, Leela meets Ram. They fall in love. Love at first sight, so romantic. More like LUST at first sight. She must practically seduce him by inhuman bodily gestures, so that at night when he’ll lurk around in her balcony, she can kiss him and almost make love to him.
  • Song.
  • Ah, my boy, Ranveer. Let’s give him a Greek sculpted body, lips that every woman wants to kiss, strong muscular arms and an oiled up chest FOR NOTHING. Just make him jump around like a monkey from terrace to terrace, hang out with his cheap,low-life friends and throw in some porn videos for him to watch to keep him engaged in his nuisances.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Song.
  • Yet another song, (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?)
  • In every, every damn scene must they almost make love. Just touch each other in places and arouse their audience but.must.not.make.love.
  • Must.not.make.love.
  • CONTROL.MY.BODILY.FLUIDS.
  • MUST.NOT.OGGLE.
  • Ooh Ooh! How could I forget!!! The two will run away, rent a sleazy, skeevy-looking hotel room and almost make love. They will get married and just when he puts sindoor in her scalp, they must kiss. Seal the deal with a long sensuous kiss. How about that? Am I not a genius?!
  • (Dramatic music in the background and temple bells ringing in the distance)
  • Evil Bitch mom strikes!! A loud pompous lady who has her widowed daughter in law take bullets out of husband’s chest with a knife. Every woman, every and every man in her household and under her tyrannous rule must carry weapons. They must show love, pain, sorrow, anger, depression, approval, denial BY SHOOTING THE AIR IN UNISON. Evil Bitch mom dresses up in black, wears heavy jewels, has dreadful bloodshot eyes and manly hands. She must in no way look like woman. Her weakness: Have a child hug her when she’s already caused a lot of collateral damage. Wait. Or I could get some guy to kiss her like Snow Whit was kissed. Way to go, I’m a whizkid with this shit.
  • THEY.MUST.SHOOT.RAM.BEFORE.RAAVAN.IS.BURNT. I am going to write a Ramayana of my own *Pretty Soon* and it’s going to be slick.. The UPites will go completely insane, my movie will gain publicity and Romeo can die.
  • The title can say an ADAPTATION OF THE ROMEO AND JULIET but not even one scene should really be an adaptation. It’s Bollywood. It’s way past Romeo and Juliet. We’ve come a far way. BUT LET’S FINISH IT THAT WAY. Have Leela lock her room, she has her bullet,he has his. Let them make have one last almost-love-making-session, and kill them off.
  • Woohoooooooo! 5 stars! I DID IT! This movie is going to be a sick production. It sure is going to disappoint millions of movie-goers.

The End.

SHOOT


This is a guest post by a budding blogger and avid movie buff - Suparna Havelia.
She describes herself as a very boring person who loves romantic books.


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