While you were gone, that's how the cookie crumbled in April 2014 [Part 1]

Pause Life. The biggest political event in the planet is taking place.

Our politicians had their regular bout of verbal diarrhea. Mulayam Singh helpfully pointed out that rapists should not be hung because boys will be boys. Gee! I wish they'd just buy a car or something and not rape women, but whatever.

This was the season, many of our leaders got slapped, slippered and painted. 

Azam Khan forgot his insanity pills and determined that Kargil martyrs were Muslims. Next year, we'll pack him off to Biggg Brother. Let's see how he will handle all the racism there.

Bad news for those hard working Bangladeshis doing jobs that you and I won't touch with a barge pole - If Modi comes to the throne, they better start packing up. 

Manmohanji was in the news for all the wrong reasons. Again. This time a former Media Adviser released a book 'The Accidental Prime Minister' that told us pretty much all that I've been telling you all along. 
His half brother (sounds like Harry Potter) joined the BJP. Can someone please tell me how effective an 'half-brother' will be? Will he be only half as silent? 

Finally, Vadra is the flavor of the season. My Advice, Vadraji: Get out of India, pronto.

AAP conveniently missed LGBT reforms in its manifesto. What gives Kejriwal?

With more stardust than before, this election was the perfect time to watch your favorite out of job movie stars in person. Loyal constituents decided to press themselves and Nagma got the touch.

As we make headlines and break records, let's choose the lesser evil and hope to God that we survive the next 10 years. 

But if you are one of the millions who didn't vote, then STFU and watch IPL. The only sports event where you'll see Russian and Croatian cheerleaders wearing leggings underneath gaudy skirts waving the shit out of pom poms. 

And while we are still talking about them, can someone please pay the Royal Challengers Bangalore cheerleaders a little extra? The way they have to do their odd pelvic gyrations every time Chris Gayle hits the ball into the next zipcode, they deserve the extra pay.

But the season didn't start as cheerfully. India lost the ICC Twenty20 championship to Srilanka rather meekly. 

The way Chennai SuperKings have been playing the league matches, it looks like Srini Saar has not been paying the players enough. What's up, Srini?
If you ask me, I'd say - legalize betting. All this hullabaloo about betting is like asking children not to copy in an open-book test. Not.Gonna.Happen.

Across the pond, studies showed 1700 American teens are becoming mothers every week. Durex clearly isn't doing its job. Maybe they need to conduct free hysterectomy procedures?

A bomb killed 23 in Islamabad and a knife wielding student stabbed 20 students in the US. Didn't even make it to the headlines here.
One dirty bomb kills 1 in Chennai. Suddenly everyone loses their mind.

The SC handed down the death penalty to the 3 bastards who partook of the rapes in Shakthi Mills, Mumbai last year. You want to know who else the SC doesn't want to live? The Rajiv Gandhi assassins. The Fat Lady proposed, SC disposed. 

Oh but there was a fair bit of sunshine too. Apparently, with the added incentive of polls round the corner, the SC ruled that the government must recognize the 'third gender'. Bobby Darling, I hear, is very happy.

The business conglomerate Sahara was asked to deposit Rs 10,000 cr as bail if they want their rags-to-riches boss out of prison. Last we heard, they have about Rs 5000 cr ready cash money and wanted time for the rest. Blah! The SC behaved like a truant warlord and said: 'No part payment. Get the 10k now or stay in prison'. 

Mush seems to be really lucky nowadays. What, after losing the elections, surviving a major heart attack, he seemed to have lived through yet another assassination attempt. Charmed Life, I say!

Talking about penny-wise, pound foolish, American car major GM decided to save $1 per car instead of changing the design of a critical car component that resulted in 13 deaths. See, this is why the Indians will always remain the kings (and queens) of thrift.

Heading to Brazil? Want to cheap place to stay? Try the 'Tower of David'.

Right on the heels of namma Microsoft CEO, we now have another local boy from Manipal become the Nokia CEO. So after Jaguar Land Rover, Microsoft and now Nokia, we are all set to take over the world.

Need ideas on home-improvement? Take cues from a local BJP minister who just spent Rs2 crore of our money decorating his ministerial bungalow with 15 split air conditioners, porcelain for the shit-pot and various other gadgets that will make Bill Gate's home look like a low cost garage.

Meanwhile, the Pakistani Electricity Board cracked the whips and even the Pakistani PM is sweating bullets. Moral: Pay your bills on time.

The IOC put up their hands in exasperation and declared how the Olympic preparations in Rio are the worst in history. Surely, they haven't seen Kalmadiji at work.

In other news, remember to change your passwords. A computer genius inadvertently released a bug (appropriately named #Heartburn) that created a trapdoor that made countless secure webpages vulnerable giving a hacker the chance to steal invaluable data. See, that's why you should tattoo all your passwords.

Ramesh Agrawal. Green Nobel prize winner and true Hero. No selfies. No one knows.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Indian LCA went supersonic. Bah!
Toyota made history by recalling 6.4 million vehicles globally. So much for Japanese quality. 

IT workers in France can not refuse to answer their boss's phone call and emails after 6 pm. Now, that's one rule I wish we had here in India. 

Literary epic 'To Kill a Mockingbird' went online and viral. 'Nuff said.

The legendary Sherpas boycotted Everest after several of their colleagues died in a mishap that could have been prevented. 
In similar news, Srilanka deported a Brit just because she had a tattoo of Buddha. 

The Google Car logged 1000 miles of safe driving. But give it to Salman Khan and he will still kill pedestrians. Its all about BeingHuman, after all.

If you thought its only Indian politicians who can't keep their mouths shut and their penises in place, take heart. Vladimir Zhironovsky, a Kremlin stooge and first-rate buffoon has been caught ordering his aides to violently rape a pregnant scribe. Mulayamji, please take note.

We all switched off the lights and made more babies on the World Earth Day on the 22nd April.
Talking about earth, if you have been hoping for a good monsoon this season, give it up. El Nino hereo. 

2 States, a movie based on a novel by the same name by Chetan Bhagat, hit the theaters and captured the hearts and the imagination of our young intercontinental lovers. Whilst the book has oodles of sex and sleaze, I think the movie was subtle, but can someone please tell me how we can launch into a well choreographed group dance in the middle of a geeky college? My Rating: 7. 

The US has its presidential libraries, we have the dilapidated MPLAD bus stops, Pakistan has the Lal Masjid's Osama Bin Laden library. Isn't our world perfect?

Meanwhile in Iran, a grief-stricken mother chose to slap his son's killer, forgive him and spare him the noose. RESPECT!
And it was revealed that the CIA uses excessive and unnecessary force on its prisoners. Who knew?

Over 200 Nigerian girls were kidnapped and later converted to Islam. OBL must be running out of virgins in paradise.

In other tragic news, a South Korean ferry that sunk while carrying school-children on a picnic. With over 284 missing and 4 dead, this tragedy of epic proportions could have been prevented. Shame!

In 'Google The Shit out of ..' section, Google the shit out of  *drum rolls, please* Vijay Seshadri. Pulitzer winning poet and namma boy. Fully Pride! 
In 'Folks you have to watch out for...!' section, look out for Jia Ruhan. Talented, young and QC'ed by Beijing, she is set to rock your world.

No, this was not all. I just ran out of time. 
Stay tuned for Part Duo. 

No, don't vote...

Its that time of the decade when politicians make hefty withdrawals from their secret Swiss accounts.
Its that time of the decade when the EC will seize mind-boggling sums of money, liquor and anything else the 'people' might need.
Its that time of the decade when laptop, mixer-grinder manufacturers and other businessmen will court the politicians.
Its that time of the decade (apart from diwali) when cracker manufacturers love. Double Bonanza!
Its that time of the decade when you will hear political fiction and fables.
Its that time of the decade when manifestos will be embellished by underpaid content writers and out of job copywriters.
Its that time of the decade when roads get a fresh coat of asphalt. Feast your eyes on them while they last. 
Its that time of the decade when you will see your politicians up close and personal. Remember to take their autographs. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, its time for the biggest song and dance routine in the largest democracy of the planet - The Great Indian Circus.

Interestingly, this time there are a lot of things that are different.
Call it the influence of our Arab cousins, we have become disenchanted and disgruntled. 
Corruption is no longer a closet topic and depending on who your daddy is, you'll either support it or defend it.

But like in everything else, we are very hypocritical too.
Ask around and chances are you will hear not many people are willing to vote.
Why? 'Because it won't make a difference'. 

When youngsters say this, I am flummoxed. When older people say this, I am exasperated. I remember that time when I lost my school captaincy elections by just 2 votes, and I begin to tell them how every single vote counts, but I am soon drowned out by their 'voice of reason'.

We all like it when we are handed out favors, when our bosses hear our suggestions (and when they are implemented), when our landlords listen to our complaints and act on them, when our apartment associations value our inputs (and our votes), when the local grocer gives us a little extra rice for that rupee you pay because you are regular, when we are rewarded for our performance at work after having worked for it. 

So when we love all this, why do we hate voting for our country so much?
Which part of the 'Corruption, Quit India' did you not like?

While many are celebrating how 100 million voters will vote for the first time, I ask what is the rest of the billion doing? Surely, we have more than 100 million who have chosen not to participate in the democratic dance this time too. 

Vote for the general elections this year, because this is probably the only ballot that will matter. 
Your apartment association cannot fix the creaking infrastructure. 
Your say in corporate affairs will probably earn you more, but if you don't vote, you're allowing the next batch of political scumbags to loot you of every last paise that you earn.
Your grocer might like you, but unless you choose the right politician, you will end up paying more for less. 

If you are still not convinced that you need to vote, I won't force you.
Cherish these final days where you could still read and write stuff like this.
Remember the days when petrol cost you just Rs25/litre.
When you could live an entire month with just Rs 15,000....
I could go on but you get the drift, right?

Get out and vote.
This is the time of the decade when you decide how your country and everything around you will be for the next 5 years. 
Make it count.