While you were gone: October / November 2013

Sonia is retiring. Boo Yaa! 

Okay, so Obama is the flavor of the year.

Not only did he spare us World War 3 but also saved the billions around the world from financial gloom and doom. The Senate voted to raise the debt ceiling and all is fine and dandy again. Until next year. But now, let's drink to O who's shown the initiative to clean up the mess that his white masters created!
The pure genuineness that is America - the nation of consumers. No credit please?!

Obamacare went live. Why shouldn't it?
NSA - Proof that Uncle Sam loves to read your emails. Well, atleast someone should read those awful Nigerian spams.

Beckham and Malala lost out on the Nobel. What baffles me is the choice.
One is a self-centered celebrity who is well past his sell-by date and the other - a girl whose larger than life persona and courage defies fear. The choice must have been clear but obviously, the Nobel committee couldn't care less.

Our politicians are known for their brain farts, but Kejriwal misses Anna. Aww!!
Somehow Anna reminds me of how Stone Cold Steve Austin came and fought McMahon and then vanished in the good ol' days of WWE.

Sushil Sharma, the star of such shows like 'Haan, Mein hu Congress leader'  and 'Honey, I want to tandoor you' got his life back.
The SC in its infinite wisdom decided that Sushil deserves to live. Next!
Lalu was thrown into prison and into 'relative comfort'. Now, this is how your tax rupees get spent.

So if you can't beat it, ban it. Congress moved to ban opinion polls, because they are unscientific. I agree. There never was anything scientific about the Congress.

Andra continued to cook on slow flame but nature poured cold water and then just like that, we didn't care who got what. We all ran with whatever we had and politicians had a field day bragging. O Shaddup!

A tsunami of a smaller scale hit Japan, just off the Miyagi Perfecture. Perfect!
And when nature isn't killing us, we ran amok anyway. Toll: 89.
Nature - 0. Us - 1

And as the CBI continues to drag the Talwars through the drain-pipes and sewers of the justice system, I wonder if Aarushi would've ever wanted her parents to suffer as much as they already have. The more I read, the stronger I believe they are innocent. They just need Jethmalani.

In God's Own Country, Kerala, political activists stoned, nay threw a stone that found its way to the forehead of its Chief Minister. Witty as they are, the opposition quickly announced the fact that the CM didn't require much medical attention proves that he is thick-skinned. Indeed.
And while we are still talking about skin, Malayalam TV celebrity and movie actress Swetha Menon stirred the hornets nest when she filed allegations of sexual harassment against a sitting MP. Endless montages, live debates and sarcastic innuendos later none's the wiser. Just another day in the life of an Indian woman.

Yes, we are an enchanting land. We are safe as long as you're built like a wrestler, well versed in karate, isn't too fussy about your ablations and carry all your money and valuables inside you and don't mind getting gropped everyday.
For westerners who still think Indians travel by elephants and work as professional snake charmers, do attend the Assam Rape festival. Here's your visa on arrival.
Next on the calendar - The Great Indian Incest fair.

And while we are working on getting more tourists, we also got an arms-laden ship from the US. So someone missed the memo there.

Air India's Dreamliner lost a belly plate enroute. I read the news and I cracked up laughing. How we haven't had a major disaster yet reinforces my belief in the supernatural, given our dismal safety and maintenance records.
But two gruesome accidents in inter-State Volvo buses and suddenly we are blaming Volvo for our human error and greed. We are like this only.
Talking about greed, no we didn't find any gold. But we got punked real nice!

If you thought spiking a drink was criminal, this young lover forced acid down his [former] girlfriend's throat.
Scene Two. A girl paid the ultimate sacrifice for love.
Back at the Capital, a BSP MP's wife was arrested for torturing and killing her maid servant.
Another State, another rape. Where's the honor in raping your own daughter? Congratulations! We are finally insensitive.

And we are many things, but rational? No, being the emotional idiots that we are now famous for, the last fortnight or so has been one big bhajjan for the god of cricket, who famously said he will not retire any time soon just a few months ago.
And thus a nation of foolhardy fools dove head first into the heady pool of sycophancy and our retailers, wholesalers and every swine in between decided to partake of this mind-numbingly boggling event in world history.
That Viswanath Anand loses to Magnus Carlsen or whether Dipika breaks into the top 3 will never matter to us.

Iran appears to be finding favor with the US. And this could be good or bad news, depending on who you ask. Personally, I think their peace is important because that means cheaper fuel bills for us.
Syria, on the other hand, is a gone case.

In this month's 'I have billions to spend' moments,
ISRO notched another brownie point after launching MOM. Your uncle couldn't have done it cheaper.
INS Sunayna was commissioned. Won't change a thing with Pakistan. Doesn't matter to the Chinese. Now can you stop wasting my tax rupees, please?
Modi is going to build the world's largest statue of Sardar Patel. Note to all those cynical Indians who mocked Ambani for building Antila with his own money: Please protest.

And as I draw to the fag end of yet another post, here are some nuggets of wisdom:
Keep the thumping interesting with these golden rules. 
And our actresses do say the darnedest things. 


And the Bollywood cash registers had iffy month. Besharam was an embarrassment and don't even get me started on Krissh 3. Can someone please tell them that they suck.
I've never been a fan of either but I think Krissh 3 is the most atrocious non-porn, non-SRK movie that is running in theaters today.

Story of our times. 
Keep those mails coming. See you all next month!

While you were gone: September 2013 [Part 3 of 3]

In India, there are only a handful of things that you can do if you want to live the Indian dream - Movies, Politics and Cricket. Incidentally, none of them require a high school education.

Enter Vindoo Dara Singh. Description: A movie star (really?!) with deep connections with politicians and other cricketers (and their wives).
Act 2. Scene 2: Enter Gurunath Meiyappan. Outlawed son-in-law of god of (Indian) cricket - Srini. 
So while Srini has elected himself, none of us should really gasp in horror, because we should be accustomed to the nepotism and impropriety in public office. All Hail the dicktator.
Lalit Modi got his Life Ban. He intends to fight it, as soon as he logs on to twitter. 

Talking about dicktators, AK of UP did the predictable. He reinstated the fiery Durga Nagpal. Now, tell me folks, how many of you didn't see this coming? 

In Kenya, bunch of guys with guns and nothing else to do stormed a mall. All hell broke lose and 59 were killed. Apparently, this was in retaliation for Kenyan intervention in the Somalian crisis. So now, the Somalis can expect a Kenyan retaliation for the Somalian retaliation for the Kenyan intervention. 
They sure picked the wrong target. Hell hath no fury like the Israelis. 

..Or Rahul Gandhi, who ripped our poor, quiet-as-a-church-mouse PM Mr Manmohan Singh's ordinance against disqualifying corrupt (!!) politicians. Indian politics is beginning to resemble WWE 'feuds'. What was Rahul doing when his puppet premier was preparing the ordinance? Not picking daisies, I suppose. See, that is the problem with us. We hate it when he does not do anything and we hate it when he does something. Nonsense!

The Supreme Court instructed voters can choose 'None of the above' when they vote. Applause!!
Who will this benefit? How can this clean up the electoral system? For those who believe having the NOTA will rid the government of scum, good luck. 
Those who lose elections at the moment, lose not because their constituents did not believe in them. They lost because they distributed lesser (if any) largess than their competitors. Indian elections are no longer about meaningful debates, sensible and actionable manifestos or integrity of character. Financing an election is super-expensive and the ones who win will step into the league of extraordinarily wealthy gentlemen and the ones who lose, get the BPL (Below Poverty Line) ration card.

But don't even think about getting an Aadhaar card. Because the SC says so.

Meanwhile, our PM has been on the world tour. 
He spoke tough (!!) against Pakistan. Cherish the voice, dear people of India. This is one of those events in our lives when we hear the PM speak. The usual rhetoric - Stop terrorism, then talk. 
Nawaz, in return, told him to get rid of his 'womanly ways'. Hey! How dare you trash talk our PM, that's our birth-right and we don't intend on pawning it anytime soon. Thank you. 
Seeing as how this could be his last year as the puppet, he might as well enjoy the trip. 

Advani did his swan song. Nobody listened.
The US government shut down, as the House of Representatives refused to budge and tries to choke Obamacare. Why is the 'most' educated, industrialized, prosperous and the greatest nation on earth so scared about something as important as health insurance. So for as long as I live, I won't understand why people don't and won't take adequate insurance for themselves. 
In the meanwhile, while this shutdown will put 8 lakh people out of jobs, Republicans like Lee Terry needs his salary to pay for his 'Nice Home'. 
Now repeat after me, ladies and gentlemen: Gloom and Doom. 

Ever wondered why our rapists and murderers (and cricketers) have their faces covered when taken to court/cop-house? No, its not to prevent a sun tan, but to ensure they don't get their good selves trashed to kingdom Kom like these unlucky chaps.

Talking about jails, our Munnabhai got some bail. For 14 days. Looking every bit the part, with a salt and pepper beard and Nehru topi, I think he is ready for politics when he is done with his sentence. 
And oh yeah. So did Jagan. Talk about timing. 

One spurned lover threw acid on her flame. Where are the placards? 
A teenager working as a servant escapes. Its such a pity that juvenile victims are not as lucky as the juvenile accused. Irony of our times.

In other news, Tunisia is fighting sex jihadis (read 'hot, young women') who are traveling to Syria to 'comfort the militants'. Great!!
Another round of mass shooting, in Chicago. The less said, the better. 
An angry Tripura husband sent his estranged wife (his) severed thumb. I'd call this his ultimate sacrifice. He might have already pawned his balls away as alimony. 
All sorts of things were happening at Peshawar - churches getting burned, new islands sprouting from the sea... 

If you ever feel depressed at how inhumane humans have become, take a moment and read this.

Blackberry got juiced. 
Miss Philipines became the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Finally, Grand Masti hit the theaters, with a dull thud.
I watched it. And this is one act that I would like erased from my record. 
How do I put it?
Grand Masti can be compared to the green gooey shitty concoction that cannot be scrapped off from the business-end of a dog that ate the vomit of a drunk who masturbates to David Dhawan movies. 
That it grossed 100 crores grossed the aforementioned dog.

Good luck!